Writing Challenge: Freaky Friday

[Admin!]

It's writing challenge time! To enter, just post a ficlet (300-4000 words suggested) in this thread. When the voting for this month's OTM winners comes around, a voting poll will go up for this as well.

The Challenge: Let's start the year with something cracky. Two characters wake up one morning having swapped bodies. Whether it was to teach them some moral or just pure crack, it happened. Tell us that story.

The rules:

• Ficlets are not site canon.
  
• Characters must be Hammel canon.
  
• You can enter no more than three stories. Any ficlets posted after the original 3 will not be considered for voting. If you want to post more, however, have fun.
  
• Ficlets must be titled.

[Rhett Goddard]

Disclaimer: The following story alludes to sex and sexual topics mildly.

Naughty Friday

Braxton I
-What the… is that…? Oh my god, what… Oh these boobies are actually quite nice… so bouncy… wait, isn’t this one like a bit bigger? … Oh smoooooooth! Someone got a wax recently… Wonder what if I…

Kiara & Ethan I
-AAAA!!!
-Huh?
-AAAAAAAA!!!
-Shut up, Braxton.
-AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
-Is it another nightmare? Don’t worry; I’m sure your porn collection hasn’t burned down.
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
-And I’m sure there are still blondes in the world, just shut up and let me sleep.
-WHO ARE YOU?! WHERE AM I?
-Ok, great, you’re not gonna let me sleep in peace, are you?
-Tell me who are you!
-Or… you’re going to attack me with that book you’re holding? That has to be the first time I’ve seen you holding a book… Hey, hey! Wait up, where are you running to?

Braxton II
-Ok, that hurts. How do women do this with their nails this long? Oh, I know, maybe she has a dildo! Where could it be…?

Kiara & Ethan II
-Braxton?
-Oh, so you guessed your name.
-What the… why?
-Yes, exactly, why did you run out of the bedroom like that? And more importantly, why did I follow you?
-I don’t… understand…
-Stop touching yourself! You’re not masturbating in the middle of the bathroom… again!
-I’m not… I… I’m…
-Ok, Braxton, enough, you go back to bed.
-Oh… Then… You must be Ethan…
-You’ve guessed two names now, should I be proud?
-Oh, it’s… no… like in that movie… then Braxton is…

Braxton III
-Aha! Found you! And it’s black! You naughty, naughty, Kiara…

Kiara & Ethan III
-Riiiiiight.
-I’m serious!
-Right, Braxton, I mean “Kiara”, of course you are.
-I swear!
-And I believe you.
-Really?
-Yeah, of course. I just have to ask, was it the frat-house leprechaun or the washroom giant?
-What?
-Yeah, who made you swap bodies? Or was it the kitchen “evil fairy”?
-What are you talking about?
-No, you’re right, the fairy’s from the dining room, what was it the kitchen’s now? Elf? Was it the kitchen’s elf? Oh that naughty kitchen’s elf… come’on get me to him and I’ll smack it a bit until it return you to normal… Oh, stop looking at me like that; you’re the one making up a ridiculous story.
-I’m not!
-I’ve got to tell you, though; it’s far more believable than that time a “time traveler” was stalking you to kill you and sell your organs in the future’s black market.
-What? Braxton thought that?
-Oh, good, talking in third person, you’re selling the part quite good.

Braxton & Jackson
-What is that sound? Is that… Taylor Swift? Ah, her cellphone, let’s see… Jackson… that douche… ignore call… let’s send a text back… “sorry… masturbating… call you later…” Send. Now, where were we… oh, right, this little pimple is so… Ugh, he’s calling again. Fine, let’s answer.
-Autocorrect again, right?
-Hi douche.
-What?
-Hi. Douche. Are you deaf?
-What…? Are you mad at me?
-Not really, it’s just that my black dildo is far more interesting that you.
-What?
-Also smarter.
-Are you drunk?
-No… but maybe I should, do I have beers?
-Are you ok, Ki?
-Gonna go check for beers, don’t call me ever again, ok?
-Ok, what’s going on?
-How do you hang up these things… Oh, it must be this bu…

Kiara & Ethan IV
-So this whole ruse is to have an excuse so I take you to Kiara’s? I’m not taking you there.
-I’ll give you a hundred dollars.
-I handle your credit cards, I could have a thousand if I wanted and you wouldn’t notice.
-Ugh! Whatever you want, then! Just take me there!
-Go by yourself.
-This UGH doesn’t have a license, he told me himself, and I have no idea how to get home from this stupid frathouse by bus.
-Pff, like you know how buses work…
-Please, please, please, pleaaaaase Ethan pleaaase.
-Don’t…! Don’t grab my hand like that!
-Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
-Don’t look at me like that, B, those faux puppy eyes won’t… ok fine, you win, I’ll take you there.
-Yes!
-After lunch, though, I have things to do as well.
-Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you!
-Did you just… hug me and kiss me on the cheek?
-I…

Braxton & Jackson II
-Why do you keep calling me? Stop calling me?
-Ki, what’s wrong, are you mad at me?
-You know, yes. We break up. Bye.

Kiara & Ethan V
-So what will you do once we get there?
-I have no idea, I never watched the movie.
-What movie?
-Freaky Friday?
-Ah, right, right. Let me guess, you have to kiss Kiara you so you can both return to your own bodies.
-Oh, god, do you think I’ll have to do that?
-Didn't that happen in the movie?
-No?
-In anyway, if that’s not the purpose of us getting there, then what is it?
-I don’t know.
-You know, you could have simply told me to get you to Kiara’s and I’d have taken you, you didn’t have to come up with this story.
-…
-At least you’re getting creative, I can’t stop wondering what will you come up to explain the fact that she isn’t going along once we get there.
-…
-What, are you thinking what to do then?
-With this underdeveloped brain, I doubt I can think.
-You know the word “underdeveloped”? Maybe you are Kiara.
-Is it weird that suddenly crave muffin?
-And no, you’re definitely Braxton.

Braxton & Jackson III
-Ki!
-God, I knew I shouldn’t have opened the door.
-What’s wrong; tell me, we can fix this.
-Sorry douche, my heart belongs to another man.
-What? I don’t believe you, why would you say that?
-Really, douche. He has a big dick, you don’t, so I want him.
-Who?!
-Braxton Carson. I love him, and I love every single part of his delicious body. Now, can you leave? I was busy touching myself while thinking of my Braxie-boo.

Kiara & Ethan VI
-Isn’t that…?
-Jackson!

Kiara & Jackson I
-Honey!
-What are you doing here?
-Jackson! It’s me! Kiara!
-I’m not in the mood to deal with you, get away, I’m leaving.
-No! Jackson! Please listen to me!
-Get. A. Way.
-Just give me a minute, please.

Ethan I
-Wait… Are you… You’re kissing?! Stop Kissing! WHAT! STOP KISSING!

Ethan & Jackson I
-What was THAT?!
-Ethan, listen.
-No, YOU listen! You said you weren’t gay and you’re making out with Braxton?
-It’s not Braxton, that’s…
-You believe him?!
-I mean it, it’s Kiara. She just told me things that only she knows, it can’t be Braxton.
-What is wrong with you?!
-Look, I’m from Hammel, things like this do happen over there. She’s on her way to Braxton to find a way to fix this
-YOU JUST KISSED BRAXTON!
-Kiara… I kissed Kiara… In Braxton’s body.
-AND HE KISSED YOU BACK!
-Are you… Are those… tears?
-NO THEY ARENT, GET OUT OF MY WAY.

Kiara & Braxton I
-Give me back my body!
-AAA! Stop! Hitting! Me!
-What have you been doing with my body! You! Filthy! Bastard! Give it back!

Ethan II
-Ok, ok, both of you stop. I only have one simple question, what is one plus one?

Kiara & Braxton II
-Two!
-What?

Ethan III
-Oh my god, you have been Freaky Friday-ed.

Kiara & Braxton II
-This has to be your fault! What did you do?
-I didn’t do anything!
-So this happened out of nowhere?
-Sure, why not?
-Oh god, we have to fix this.
-I kinda like it. Except for this, do you know this booby is bigger than this one?
-Stop touching me! Yourself! Stop touching my breast!

Ethan & Jackson II
-So… Just how ok are you with all this?
-What you mean?
-Yeah, I mean, if we don’t fix this, you’ll be dating a girl with the body of a guy.
-We have to fix this.
-Do you think I’m Kiara’s type?
-What?
-You know, it's completely understandable if you want to break up with Kiara, I mean, you’re a guy, you like girls, and she’s, basically, not one at the moment.
-I’m going to step away before this gets more awkward.
-Can you put in a good word to Kiara for me?

Kiara & Braxton III
-We’re not kissing!
-We should! It’s what solved the problem in that movie.
-That movie was about a mom and a daughter, they did not kiss.
-They did in the version I watched.
-What version was that?
-It was called Naughty Friday. It had a lot of hot lesbian action.
-Porn. Of course. We’re still not kissing. Ever.

Ethan IV
-So… did kissing work?

Kiara & Ethan VII
-It’s been weeks since you swapped bodies; don’t you think it’s time to… give up?
-I don’t want to be stuck forever in this body.
-You seem quite comfortable.
-Are you kidding? I hate this disgusting frat-house and business school is simply horribly boring. Why did I even agree to keep the charade?
-Did you want Braxton to mess up your Hammel grades?
-We could have told officials, someone would have understood…
-What is this really about?
-What do you mean?
-Are things with Jackson ok?
-I… don’t know.

Braxton IV
-A wedding invitation? Ethan White and… Braxton Carson?! Honey! We have a wedding this weekend!

Ethan V
-I do.

Kiara I
-I do.

Braxton & Ethan I
-I’m hurt I wasn’t asked to be a best man!
-You’re a girl.
-And I’d rock that bridesmaid dress way better than your fat sister.
-Aren’t you going to congratulate me?
-Congratulations.
-Are you here with anybody?
-Of course, see that blonde over there in a red dress?
-Should have known.
-I tell you man, the lesbian market is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Apparently lesbians love me. And the lesbian sex… I tell you…

Kiara & Jackson II
-Thanks for… erm… coming.
-Sure, Ki.
-So, how is life?
-Good. It’s been good.
-It’s been, what, five years?
-Yeah, pretty much.
-Is that… all you have say? “It’s been good”?
-What… else you do you want me to say?
-I don’t know… That you… miss me?
-Maybe… you should go with your husband.

Braxton & Ethan II
-So who fucks who?
-What?
-Who fucks who?
-I’m not going to talk about my intimacy with you, Braxton.
-She fucks you, doesn’t she?
-Braxton, stop it.
-You’ve always seemed like the type.
-You know, in fact I fuck her.
-Well I did use to have a nice ass.
-Yeah…
-Yup.
-Veeeery nice.
-Ok, got it.
-What? I like fucking you up the ass.
-Ok, enough.
-And you have this spot that…
-Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala! I can’t hear you! Lalalalalalala!

Kiara & Jackson III
-How’s Gabe?
-He missed you for a while.
-I miss him.
-He likes his new mom, though.
-Oh, I didn’t know you… were dating someone.
-She’s nice.
-Do you… love her?
-I… do.
-Maybe… I should go with my husband.

Kiara & Braxton IV
-Oh hey!
-Hey!
-Congratulations.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Erm. Bye.
-Bye!

Braxton & Ethan III
-AAAA!!!
-Huh?
-AAAAAAAA!!!
-Calm down, Ki.
-AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
-Is it another nightmare? Don’t worry; I’m here with you.
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
-Everything’s fine, just tell me what you dreamt, you’re fine, we’re fine.
-WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHERE AM I?
-Ok, great, why am I getting a déjà vu?
-Oh my dear god!
-Please, don’t say what I think you’re going to say…
-I’m… Braxton.
-Fucking great.
-How did this happen?!
-Fuc. king. Great.
-You have a mirror on the ceiling?
-It’s a newly-wed suite; of course they have a mirror up there.
-Oh my god, we’re married.
-Yeah…
-We’re getting a divorce.
-Of course…
-God, I’m gonna miss lesbian pussy.
-Yeah, I’m gonna miss a lot of things too.

Kiara II
-Jackson? Jackson, it’s me. I’m back. I… I’m back. I forgive you. Can we please… can we talk? I’m back.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Run That Body Down

How long you think that you can
Run that body down?
How many nights you think you can
Do what you been doin’?
Who, now who you foolin’?

It began with waking up in bed with his brother-in-law.

Sean was long-accustomed to being the calmest individual in any given situation, and this was no exception. Although, this particular scenario struck a bit closer to home than some others.

He also could have lived a long, happy life without Colin Finnerty trying to kiss him. Although, he was heartened to see that the man was affectionate with his wife; despite her flaws, Kathleen deserved that much.

Kathleen hadn’t reacted with the same calm. The bruise on Josh’s cheek had yet to fade completely. For a fifty-five-year-old body, Sean still had a fair amount of upper-body strength, and his hands were nearly as large as his feet.

The good news, if any could be found in the situation, was that Sean had retained his telepathic powers. Having to cope with a panicked lover, an irate sister, her confused husband, and the wrong body, while also contending with the loss of his powers would have been devastating. Their predicament was bad enough as it was.

Sean had called Josh to check in with him, and then ten minutes later, he’d grabbed Kathleen’s car keys from her purse, had dressed, and set about packing a bag. Colin had protested the sudden departure, citing the fact that he had work.

Sean had been unconvinced. Although he’d informed Colin that the other man was welcome to stay in New York, or to go to work and then fly to Vermont, and that the telepath would reimburse him for the cost of airfare.

The resulting road trip was one of the worst in Sean’s life. Six hours of listening to Colin panic and prattle on about whatever sort of contagious weirdness Sean had infected his sister with and used to ruin Colin’s week.

Upon reaching Pilot Ridge, Josh informed Sean quietly that Kathleen had been no better than her husband. She also took the opportunity to inform Sean had he’d done her hair incorrectly and shouldn’t have left the house without makeup. That was before she launched into a lecture about his “meta-problems” ruining her life.

He was used to tuning out her venom. The task was made more difficult by the bizarre circumstances and the fact that Josh squirmed whenever Sean reached for his hand.

At least it was a long weekend.

That failed to make the first night less awkward.

Since Sean had retained his telepathy, he was privy to his partner’s thoughts. How uncomfortable Josh was with the entire situation. How the younger man simply wanted to have a stress-free relationship with the psychiatrist, free of any interruptions, power swaps, depressive bouts, interruptions, or body swapping with his sister. How difficult it was to look at Kathleen’s body and see anything but the frosty woman who had scorned her older brother and treated Josh with nothing but disdain throughout all of the years he had known her.

Also, Josh was unquestioningly gay. Even without Kathleen’s personality and the fact that this body belonged to Sean’s sister and that personal history, she was undeniably feminine and female-identified. Setting that aside was difficult at best.

It would be easier if Josh was a telepath. Telepathy would grant him the ability to set aside the physical and focus on the purely mental aspects of bonding. With that, he could see for himself, and to his own satisfaction, that despite the red hair, smaller frame, green eyes, delicate hands, and curves, Sean dwelt within.

Instead...

“Sorry,” Josh whispered, yanking his hand back abruptly after brushing uncomfortably close to Kathleen’s – which was to say Sean’s – cleavage.

“This would be easier if I was the big spoon,” Sean pointed out, forcing his voice deeper than Kathleen’s typical octave range. All that did was result in making it sound like he (rather, Kathleen) had a cold. That wasn’t the effect that he’d hoped to achieve.

“But you’re...ahh...smaller.” For the first time, Josh was taller than Sean. Moreover, the telepath’s frame was also small enough that Josh’s shoulders were broader, he weighed less, and the attorney could be considered larger by essentially all measurements.

“I know. But your hands won’t roam.” They both knew this from experience. When Josh was the inside spoon, he was content to bask in Sean’s embrace, cuddling close into the warmth that was the telepath’s body. He snuggled but didn’t shift, and his hands, if anywhere, rested atop Sean’s on his body. However, when Josh was the outside spoon, he felt compelled to envelope Sean completely, irrespective of their size differences. This led to shifting to curl around him. Moreover, his hands drifted idly over the telepath’s body.

Sean typically didn’t mind. He didn’t mind now, but the younger man was so uncomfortable with the realities of female anatomy that the telepath doubted that they could survive the night this way.

Making the decision, he turned over, wrapped his arms around Josh’s waist and encouraged him to turn. The pressure of their chests touching proved enough motivation for the attorney to comply. His guilt echoed loudly in his thoughts.

It would be a long night.

***********************

Unfortunately, upon waking the next morning, Sean was still in Kathleen’s body. At least he woke in his own bed, beside his partner, but that was of small comfort. Kathleen remained in his body; both Josh and Colin remained upset and confused, and the telepath knew that he would have to spend the entire day trying to find an answer and a means of reversing the situation. If only they could find a cause.

Hours spent in the Hammel library reviewing books and old records with Kathleen reminded him of why he was happier when they didn’t communicate. Her constant criticism of every aspect of his life. He knew that she was upset; he understood her concerns. The situation was disconcerting; she was a cisgendered woman, always comfortable with her appearance and her femininity, and she had nothing but contempt for his “lifestyle choices.” She didn’t understand his telepathy, and she loathed both Hammel and Joshua Bernstein with every fiber of her being. Being lectured in his own voice only made the experience more surreal.

For Sean, however, Josh and Hammel were his world (in that order), and no amount of criticism, born either from prejudice or from genuine concern, would change those priorities.

Still, he sympathized because he knew that Kathleen and Colin were uncomfortable enough with her male body that they had slept apart the night before. He was grateful to Josh for fighting his own discomfort to share a bed with him.

Still, even Sean Neville’s patience only went so far.

He looked up only briefly from the index of known meta-human abilities that had occupied his attention. “If you don’t want to be here, you can take the car and drive home. The registration has my name on it, and my license has your face.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “That isn’t funny.”

“It wasn’t meant to be.” He returned his attention to the index. “Yelling at me won’t put us back in our proper bodies. All it will do is give me a headache, and I don’t want to test your liver’s tolerance of Excedrin if I get one.

She actually seemed to consider that. After a long moment, she said, “You should take better care of myself.”

“I do, actually. It isn’t all binge-drinking and baked goods.” He chose not to mention the physical and psychological benefits of a healthy sex life. Kathleen and Colin obviously had a rhythm of their own, and nothing could be gained by inciting her by causing her to imagine Josh and him intimate together. Particularly not when she currently wore his face.

The index provided precious little information about body-related physical powers. There was a section on duplication, and then a section on mind borrowing, puppetry the likes of which Gabriel Underwood had possessed. But there was nothing in there about directly switching bodies with another person. Certainly nothing about making two people not the meta with such a power switch bodies. Not for such a long duration.

Sean hadn’t gotten this far in life through resignation. Instead, he searched for Robert’s old training files. Surely, his mentor would have answers for him. Either in the form of actual case studies or through applicable (and relatable anecdotes).

But no such examples were to be found.

***************************

Ride it out.

The immortal words of Robert Hopkins popped into his mind. Advice on how to survive anything at Hammel. Literally anything from power slips to finals to roommates who didn’t respect privacy to unrequired love.

Ride it out.

That wisdom would have to apply to being in the wrong body. Would have to apply to anxious partners, cranky brothers-in-law, and a sister who was ready to murder him in his sleep for putting her through this. Even if he didn’t know how or why this had afflicted them.

Ride it out.

He could do that. He was Sean Neville. And, like it or not, Kathleen was Sean Neville too. For the present time.

***********************

Sean awoke at the start of the work week (after an intolerably long weekend) in bed with his brother-in-law again, although this time he was in his proper body. Knee pain, love handles, large frame, and all.

The sound of a resounding slap followed by Josh crying out informed Sean that Kathleen had woken too. He quickly slipped into his robe to intervene.

But at least this meant that they could be ride of their houseguests. And if everyone requested to have their memories adjusted accordingly, for once Sean would put forth no argument.