Harder to Breathe(Sean)

[Zander Grey]

Zander was pretty sure he was losing his mind, which was a big deal when you were surrounded by the thoughts of others. He knew his control was at best poor over his powers, but it shouldn't be like this. When he was younger he was able to control his powers better, but with emotional strain and bad life choices over the years it seemed his control was slowly declining. But it wasn't until he snapped at one of his students for 'thinking to loudly' that he knew he should probably talk to someone.

So he decided to talk to Dr. Sean Neville, again.

Dr.Neville had been speaking to Zander since he was just a boy pretending to be a punk from New York.In truth, the good doctor was the only adult figure he ever showed any respect to while growing up. He helped him through a lot of problems that he didn't feel like he could talk to others about. His powers being one of his major issues. He knew that their were counselors that were trained just for that reason, but when you could hear the thoughts of others, it was a little more complicated. It wasn't a power that everyone could just understand right off the bat. Zander had met people who once told him it must be so cool that he could hear thoughts!

Zander didn't think of it that way. He found his power to be a curse. When you can hear what the couple in the next room want to do to each other in graphic detail or hear all the snide comments everyone makes about you, all in your mind, it gets a little confusing. There were times when Zander didn't even know if his thoughts were his own or the person's next to him.

So While in his panic mood he picked up his turtle from the class room, and dropped him off at a friends room until he could be picked up. Zander tended to get violent when his powers pushed him to far, and he wouldn't want the one thing he treasured most to be harmed because he lost his temper.

The offices hadn't changed much since Zander had been there when he was younger. And because of that it was easier for him to just walk in and find the office he was looking for. He leaned against the door way for a moment and took a deep breath before knocking and opening the door.

"Dr. Neville? Are you busy?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean had great empathy for other psychics, particularly other telepaths, who struggled with their powers. He had been in the same position when he had been a student at Hammel, and it was only with intense training and the efforts of his trainer that he had grown to become the man he was today. He had once been afraid of his powers, but now he appreciated them and had for decades. The psychiatrist would be far more concerned if he didn’t hear the thoughts of other people.

But he knew that not everyone was as fortunate as he was. His mental shields were iron-clad, completely impenetrable, which had been Robert’s gift to him. It was useful when speaking to other psychics, because it could give them the same silent oasis that he had relished with his trainer, back when Sean had been a student himself.

He had strong memories of Zander Grey as a student, since the boy had spent a great deal of time in his office. He thought that they two of them had made progress together, in addition to Zander and his trainer who had been responsible for actually teaching him to construct mental shields. He had been glad to see Zander go off to college and continue with his life as an adult.

He had also been glad when Zander had returned to Hammel last semester as a teacher. He thought that, if Zander shared the same motivations for returning that many other faculty had, then the work would do him well. Though the younger man had a changed a bit between graduating and returning, and that went beyond the typical emotional changes that came from young adulthood.

It was something to keep an eye on.

The psychiatrist was also happy to continue to meet with any other staff, particularly ones he had known as students, for advice or simply to vent.

Thus, when Zander knocked at his door, Sean set aside the alert about the DSM-V revisions that he had been reading. There would be time for that later. “I’m not busy at all. Please, come in.”

[Zander Grey]

Zander stepped into the office hesitantly at first. He remembered his first time in this room, he had been sad, angry and extremely scared. Dr.Neville had seen right through it all and helped Zander understand it was okay to talk to someone about issues. It was a shame that Zander never really kept that lesson with him as he went onward to college.

The room hadn't changed much, sure a few things were moved around and reorganized, but the feel of the room was still the same. Which was why after his first hesitation he had no problem sitting in his old chair.

"Hi Dr.Neville , I'm sorry to disturb you." Zander's hands twisted together in his lap in a nervous gesture. He couldn't look at him in the face, his eyes roaming around the room with a hope of being distracted.

How do you tell your oldest role model that he was a failure? That all of Dr. Neville's work on Zander was for nothing? It was so hard and Zander couldn't even think about where he should begin. It wasn't as if he just gave up after Hammel, he really tried to keep going with what he learned from everyone at Hammel. But it got harder and harder the farther away from Hammel. He was so scared to even just say 'Help me.'

"It's funny how just being in your office makes me feel like a kid again. "He chuckled softly, but it sounded forced. He kept silent for a little while and then just started to speak.

"I've been having a problem with my power. It seems like lately I don't even know who's thoughts are mine. It would be an understatement to say that it is making me feel, crabby. And it's...it's a bit scary."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean shook his head, waving off the apology with that simple gesture. “You aren’t disturbing me, Zander. I’ve told you before that you’re always welcome to stop by; that didn’t change with graduation.”

The older telepath had been quite sincere in that offer. He was in the wrong line of work, and at the wrong place of employment, if he was hostile to the thought of drop-ins. His door was always open, particularly to other telepaths, former students, and coworkers; Zander happened to be all three of those.

“Do you want an energy bar?” He asked, reaching for his desk drawer where he kept those supplies, just in case. “It might help perk you up a bit.”

If not, Sean could always offer him some coffee, tea, or ginger ale; he had access to all three of those beverages readily enough.

The psychiatrist offered the younger man a smile at the remark. “I hear that a lot. I think it takes a while for all of us to get used to being on the other side of authority here.” When he had first come to work at Hammel, although that seemed like a lifetime ago, he had also felt a bit out of sorts, to be on equal footing with trusted authority figures from his childhood.

Sean then waited for Zander to explain his reason for seeking him out, not prompting him to speak. When the explanation came, the psychiatrist frowned, in both sympathy and concern. Zander was too old to have slipups of that magnitude: problems with differentiating thoughts, absent a severe life event or external factor(s). “How long has that been going on?”

[Zander Grey]

Zander shook his head as he shifted once again in his seat , looking down at his nails and picking at them with intensity . "No thanks Dr. Neville, when my head hurts I find it hard to eat." It didn't help that he has a little hung over form the night before. "And besides I'm not very hungry."

He gave him a small but sad smile as he thought back over how long his power fluctuation had been going on. It hadn't been long considering how long it took him to control it the first time he learned about his powers. But it was getting to a point where the side effects were worst then when he first started.

"It started to go badly when I moved to New York, after master's degree. I thought I could handle it, it was supposed to be my way of going back home. But there was too much to sort, too much to control. I was never really good at blocking the thoughts, of course you know that. My range is good, great even, but I suppose that comes with a price huh?" He chuckled a bit darkly while he thought back to it.

"I had to leave obviously, it was overwhelming. I started to go a bit crazy from all the noise. But even now it's not getting better, and I'm worried about that. The other day the migranes got so bad I couldn't even teach properly."

Zander looked up at his most trusted role model. Dr. Neville was everything Zander could ever dream of becoming, yet had no hope in achieving. "I'm scared Doctor."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Hunger wasn’t the point of consuming glucose when one was a psychic, but Sean wouldn’t press the issue. Zander knew his own needs, and insisting that he eat would do nothing to incite his appetite or ease his hangover.

The psychiatrist nodded in complete understanding. The difficulty with his manifestation had been magnified because of the immense range and scope of his telepathy. Robert had taught him to block out the noise, and after decades, he had learned to cope, such that New York was invigorating, even if he was never truly free of the knowledge that telepathy bestowed. “It can, yes. That always is the difficulty with keen senses.” To emphasize that, Sean tapped his own temple lightly with two fingers.

He then frowned as the other telepath described the continuance of his symptoms. Away from overwhelming interference, the side effects should lessen, even if they could never completely disappear. “Have you told anyone else about this?” The side effects expert immediately came to mind, although this was Sean’s area of expertise, despite not being a trainer.

Moving away from that, he added, “Have you been exposed to anyone recently to whom you might be sensitive?” Narrowing that list down could be difficult, but if they would someone, then that was a start. “A power amplifier? Someone who creates interference? Someone with whom you identify?”

[Zander Grey]

Zander sat for a moment just listening to Dr. Neville. He never thought about going to someone else for a problem. Even when he was a kid, he didn't go to anyone. He hated to admit to anyone but he felt uncomfortable around people. It was amusing to admit that him as a communications teacher could not even talk to people about his issues. It was normal for most people, not to want to explore their weaknesses with a stranger .

Had he met anyone recently? It was almost a silly question for him to ask himself. He was a teacher, of course he met students with a variety of different powers. It was possible that a student was creating this fluctuation in his power, but Zander doubted it. He didn't spend enough time with any one of his students for them to cause this.Yet even as he thought this his mind went to the image of Lei.

"There's a kid, not one of my students, but a student here at the school who met me , in a rather poor mood. I like him, I like him a lot. There's this air of arrogance around him, but still you can see the fear that he tries to hide. I connected with him quickly, it's like staring at a teenage me, without looking in a mirror." Zander rubbed his hands on his pants legs before continuing.

"He is angry at the world, fearful and full of emotions that he won't let anyone see. He is in a situation that only he can get himself out of. And I have become very invested in making sure that he will not become like I have become." Zander said seriously. It was one of the few things he was very serious on. He didn't wish anyone to be him, not even his worst enemy.

"But he hasn't a power that could directly effect mine."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Discomfort with social interactions was a common enough side effect of telepathy, one that Sean understood. It was a matter that he had overcome, despite his natural introversion, but not everyone adapted – or could adapt – in the same way that he had.

The psychiatrist waited for the other man to provide answers to his question. It could be difficult to reflect on the number of people one met, particularly when one had a range outside of Hammel while simultaneously encountering the sea of ever-changing faces as a teacher. However, if someone had affected him, he or she would stick out more, even if as a hazy memory.

Then the image of Leiken popped into his mind, just as Zander began to describe that he had met a student who reminded him of a younger version of himself. Having known Zander as a student, Sean could see where the teacher sensed the similarity. He also believed that the younger man was on the mark when it came to Leiken’s inner turmoil, which was why he had his eye on the boy. Ever since his inexplicable appointment.

However, Zander ended that with a cryptic statement that also caught his attention. “And what situation is that?” He had his theories, but he needed to know if something else had arisen.

He then returned focus to Zander’s abilities. “Has there been anything else? An anniversary or other undue stress?”

[Zander Grey]

Zander frowned slightly as his whole body stiffened. He could not, nor would not tell Lei's story. It was not his to tell. He understood that it was something him as a teacher should report, but it was also that he as an emotional person could understand. He knew that in his shoes he would want to destroy the person who pulled the thing, or the memory that kept him happy. The frown on his face lightened into a small smile "I can't tell you Dr. Neville"

He thought back about what could of happened around this time of year to cause him distress. There was nothing much that he did now a days. He supposed most people went homes to families to have celebrations and good tidings, but Zander couldn't go home. Not that he would, he hadn't spoken more then 10 words to his father in years. Sometimes he wondered if his father even remembered that he was alive, but he guessed that it would be better for the both of them if the radio silence they started endured.

"There's not much for me to be stressed about. I miss home, but I know I can't go back there, least of all during the holidays when it's the busiest. I don't have a relationship to keep me occupied. I find it works out better for me alone. The only thing that has ever happened around this time of year was my mother's death. But that was years ago and it's never effected me before."

Zander thought about his emotions this time of year. Winter always seemed to the saddest part of the year for him. He never understood why, but he supposed it had to do with all the depressing thoughts he heard. Everyone seemed to be down around winter time.

"I could just be lonely I suppose" He said a bit sadly while popping his fingers in his lap.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean disagreed with the younger man’s conclusion. When there were situations that involved the students, particularly given what he assumed this referred to, Zander absolutely could tell him what had happened. Moreover, he should tell him, both for the sake of Leiken, as well as for the sake of Hammel and Zander’s job security. However, he wouldn’t actively pursue that topic of discussion, while Zander was here on other matters.

The distress that the younger man’s telepathy caused him was topic enough for conversation. Moreover, it could be solved with only the two of them, or with consultation with the Powers Expert. Anything involving Leiken would undoubtedly be more complicated, and Sean had a meeting scheduled with Vincent for later that week.

As such, the psychiatrist turned his full attention to that topic.

He had been aware of the situation with Zander’s family. However, not being able to visit family could be just as stressful as visiting family during the holidays, if not more so. Seasonal Affective Disorder led to depression, as did the reminders of the holiday season for those without families or those who were unable to spend the time with them. He considered that potentially stressful. Just as he considered the anniversary of a death of a loved one, even if there had been no outward signs of depression before.

Grief, and anniversaries of loss, could strike later, because everyone processed differently.

“For how long have you been isolating yourself?” Sean asked, latching onto the point about loneliness. “The mind yearns for stimuli, you know.”

[Zander Grey]

Zander thought about that question. 'For how long have you been isolating yourself?' He wondered about how long Dr. Neville wanted him to go back. He supposed he was forced into isolation when his mother died, and his father ignored him. But he took the logical route and decided that he wanted to know when Zander himself took in the life a hermit. Not as extreme as that, but he was aloud to exaggerated once in a blue moon. So he had to think; When did he start to lose himself?

It wasn't at Hammel, that was one thing for sure. Even with all the rage and angst that every teenage boy has, he never separated himself from those around him. He wasn't a loner, and in fact had many many friends. He wasn't the cheese ball charmer that he was now, but he was attractive and good with his words, which made him a target for friends. His powers were an added bonus to this, everyone thought it was cool to have a telepathic person at parties. You could cheat people out of any game and win lots of money. So he concluded in his short ranting thoughts that it was not Hammel that created his isolated life.

It was most likely when he started to try and date people seriously, the summer before college. Zander had a few dates in Hammel but that was different. He knew those would never last, because he chose people it wouldn't last with. But it was when he left Hammel that he started to realize how terrible dull the world is when you have no one to share it with. So he started to date people. He wasn't picky on gender, Zander couldn't care as long as they gave you love. He mostly dated older people, not illegal old, but 2 or 3 years older. He liked the way that older people's thoughts just seemed more intelligent, but that could of been who he was dating also. He gave all he had into every relationship he had , but was given nothing in return. It's hard to be in a relationship when you are telepathic and Zander knew this, but he tried. Alas it was always the same excuse when it came to the break up point.

'It's not you, it's your power.'

What no one seemed to understand was that his power was him.

So Zander did the math quickly, 25 years minus 18 years. 7 years he had been a bachelor, and a hermit one at that. He was actually quite amazed at how long he had been able to keep it up.

""Since I was 18, the summer after I graduated "

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean wanted Zander to be forthright about his experiences, which meant including everything he felt pertinent. Since the older telepath had spent time with Zander through his senior year and graduation, information about his life after that, until his return to Hammel, was the most pertinent. They had discussed his social status and other facets of his life throughout his time as a student.

Moreover, Sean had experienced first-hand what life was like as a telepath, both as a student at Hammel and then outside of the protective bubble of the school. In the so-called “real world.” Life as a telepath wasn’t easy in a society inhabited by, and whose rules were designed by, non-psychics.

Sean had received his share of break up explanations that included the statement that there was only enough room in his partner’s head for herself or himself.

It was a slap in the face, because he couldn’t change his powers. Neither could Zander.

However, while he understood the impulse to isolate oneself rather than learn to adapt and learn to navigate that society around them, he also didn’t think that it was healthy. It certainly wasn’t fulfilling in either the short-term or in the long-term.

Particularly since Zander admitted that he had been doing so since immediately after graduating from Hammel.

That was the opposite of what had been intended for the younger man. It was also far too long. Seven years in a lifespan of only twenty-five was twenty-eight percent. Twenty-eight percent of his life spent isolating himself from others.

That had to change.

Shaking his head, the older telepath’s voice was sympathetic as he said, “There are other ways, Zander.”