When did this become therapy? [Sean]

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan's work life had returned, essentially, to normal. He'd gotten used to his glasses and was able to read papers for extended periods of time, just like before his accident. Sure his eyes got a little strained every now and then, but he no longer lived in fear of the blurry world he woke up to every morning, nor did he fear that it would once again go dark. He was back to socializing, gossiping, and all the good garbage that came with teaching at Hammel.

Personally speaking, Morgan could almost say the same. He'd settled back into a happy routine. Except for one thing...

Every few months, Morgan couldn't help the speed dial. And yes, Jake was still on speed dial. Sometimes Jake would call and Morgan would answer, but it always boiled down to the same old thing:

Morgan just couldn't forget what had happened.

Most days he kept it out of work, but when it came time for lunch the evening after their latest encounter, Morgan was slightly wilted. He kept to himself, sitting in a plush chair by the window and chewing thoughtfully but disinterestedly on his sandwich. He put it down half way through consumption and removed his glasses, massaging his tired eyes to try and rub out the bad mood.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean didn’t advertise his own relationship history with his coworkers; he didn’t even advertise it with most of his friends, because it was quite personal. Those who had experienced his interactions with Josh, typically while inebriated, before their reconciliation knew this better than others, but Sean understood difficult relationships. He understood what it was to have deep feelings for someone and to live through extended periods of amorphous boundaries.

He also understood what it was to have difficulty with that state of affairs.

While the telepath shielded at work, he remained privy to far too much about his coworkers, the students, the townspeople, and everyone else within his telepathic range. Sean knew far too much about Morgan’s relationship with Jake, past and present. He also felt responsible for much of this, because of his involvement in the battle against M.S.A.D.

Having packed lunch for himself, and with free time between sessions, he settled into the staff to pour a cup of coffee and relax.

However, Morgan was there, and he looked both exhausted and miserable.

While Sean was quite experienced in holding his tongue for the benefit of others, he wasn’t as keen on pretending people weren’t in pain. As such, he stepped around the lounge, approaching the coffee machine, and said, “I’m pouring myself a cup. Do you want one? Or some tea?”

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan looked to Sean as if he’d spoken another language. “Huh?” When Morgan’s distracted brain caught up with the offer, he leaned back slightly in his chair and shook his head. “O-oh. No thanks, Doctor Neville I’m fine.” He chuckled wryly.

“And I’ll…try to keep my thoughts down.”

Morgan wasn’t ever weary of the telepath. He trusted him implicitly and with his life as well as his thoughts, but he often wondered just how much Sean could ‘overhear’ in the brain static of his coworkers. A blush burned lightly on his cheeks, but quickly faded. Morgan would hate to be a telepath.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean stood by the coffee pot, waiting for Morgan’s response; the young man certainly seemed distracted. He had been about to repeat his offer, but the younger man beat him to it, clarity dawning upon him. “Very well. If you change your mind, I’m happy to pour one. You know the coffee is one of the perks.”

It was a poor pun, one that hadn’t been intended wholly in that spirit.

However, after pouring his own coffee and then mixing in milk and sugar, the telepath crossed the staff lounge to sit in an armchair across from the history teacher. He took a sip, and then shook his head slightly, a gentle rebuff of the offer. “That’s kind of you, but it’s unnecessary.”

A small smile touched his lips, and he reached up with one hand to lightly tap his temple. “I’m used to the background noise by now,” he assured the younger man.

He was. He couldn’t have lived this long without growing used to the so-called fringe benefits of telepathy. Not without maintaining his sense of identity.

Sean took another sip of his coffee, letting the caffeine perk him up a bit. Mentally, he weighed whether he should ask the question point-blank or if he should try a gentler segue. Deciding on the latter, he asked, “How are you? And how have you been? We haven’t chatted for a bit.”

[Morgan Tonaya]

He laughed half-heartedly at Sean's poor pun, but the attempt at humor was enough to bring a strained smile to his face. It quickly fell though when the topic turned to him. He was really tired of that question these days.

"I'm..." he trailed off. He knew Sean would accept a lie, even if he knew the truth. Or well, he usually did. But Morgan was tired of lying. "I'm tired. And I've been much better." He admitted, tugging at one of his curls in thought. "I guess I can't complain. Just...personal stuff." Jake stuff would have been the correct answer.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Part of being a psychiatrist was helping other people to work through their problems, such that they didn’t feel the need to lie. His professional training taught him to identify those situations and provided the tools to help others without becoming confrontational. Part of being a telepath was letting people lie without being called out, because that was an aspect of life. Occasionally, those two aspects of himself warred internally, and his own sense of wisdom helped him choose a path.

Fortunately, Morgan diffused that situation by telling the truth, albeit vaguely.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sean asked in a tone of voice intended to convey that he already knew what the underlying cause of Morgan’s personal problems were. He also intended to convey, through gentle tone and sympathetic facial expression, that he didn’t judge the younger man for the conflicted emotions. Even though the other person involved had wronged him and his friends, colleagues, and innocent bystanders many times in the past.

As he had told Jake months ago at the grocery store, he was not the person to dole out forgiveness. This was a matter for each individual involved, and for life through acts of atonement, to sort out for him.

[Morgan Tonaya]

"I don't know what to say." Morgan replied tightly, opening his clasped hands in an empty gesture. "I don't know what there is left to say. I feel like I've said everything. I've thought about this so much." He knew Sean knew. He knotted his hands in his hair, suddenly feeling even more tired than he had before. His hair stuck up between his fingers and he resisted the urge to pull.

"I feel lost. Like I've thought of everything but the one thing I need to actually do to finish this."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean certainly empathized with Morgan’s plight, even if the younger man was unaware, and other people might expect otherwise. It wasn’t easy to have feelings for another person while simultaneously knowing – or at least suspecting – that the relationship could only be unhealthy. It wasn’t easy to retain romantic feelings for an ex-lover; it wasn’t easy to cope with betrayal. And while the telepath’s experiences with Josh were quite different from Morgan’s with Jake – Josh’s behavior had led to amorphous boundaries and neglect while Jake’s had led to Morgan’s hospitalization – he still understood.

“Sometimes saying it aloud instead of relying on the echo chamber of our thoughts helps,” Sean offered. Offering oneself unbiased advice was a Herculean task in itself, without the added baggage of Morgan’s relationship with Jake and their past interactions. Although the adage that hindsight was 20/20 was accurate enough, any perceived benefit was wasted in the midst of an ongoing situation.

Of course, the younger man might not want to bear his soul to the telepath, even if Sean knew the underlying facts. But the offer was on the table.

“Do you want to finish it?” The psychiatrist asked, gazing steadily at Morgan. He didn’t intend the question to be patronizing. However, not having an end was often a subconscious, if not also conscious, goal when one was attached. It maintained a connection, no matter how tenuous.

[Morgan Tonaya]

“I’m not even sure I know what it is.” Morgan replied wryly his eyes still staring into the table. “Every time he calls I remember what it was like the first time he called. And then I get angry because it will never be like that again because of what we did.” Even then Morgan still thought of them as a unit. Now matter how he tried separating himself, he would still pick up the phone.

“…I don’t.” He finally looked back up to Sean, his face looking almost sick. “I don’t want to finish it; I don’t want it to end.” He sighed. “But it has to.” That’s what it boiled down to, that circular pattern of thoughts that kept him answering phones and also promptly cutting off conversations. He didn’t feel it could go on, but he refused to let it end.

Why couldn’t he just let go?

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean met the younger man’s gaze steadily, although his eyes held no judgmental scrutiny. Eye contact was for Morgan’s benefit, to show that he had his full attention. Which he did.

“It can be very difficult when we entwine ourselves like that. We bind all future thoughts of life and happiness to one painful reality, when it isn’t the only option.” That was what decades of life experience and psychiatry had taught him. In that order.

“For how long has this been going on?” He asked, gently prompting the history teacher. The telepath understood that Morgan might not want to answer that question; that was why he had left it vague and open to interpretation. This could refer to the cycle itself, or to the conflicting feelings, or to the realization that it did have to end for his own mental health. However the younger man chose to interpret it, Sean had mentally prepared a follow-up question.

He wanted to help the younger man through this. Primarily because Morgan was his friend. Secondly, because he had been in a similar (although far less damaging) cycle with Josh. He had been where Morgan was, and he knew how painful it could be. Thirdly, because he had the skills and ability to help, if the younger man actually wanted it.

He retained enough of his youthful idealism to want everyone to find happiness and health, wherever they could. Or to find the strength to leave a situation that compromised either or both of the above.