AU: Another Galaxy (Josh)

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh's stomach turned at the items listed, and he tightened his arm around the other man. Although Eva would certainly face consequences for her actions none of that would change what she had done to his husband and crew.

"If we don't find any aloe tomorrow I'll try and place an order for some." It might not be the easiest item to acquire, but if it was what Sean desired then he would hunt it down and pay any price necessary.

If he couldn't find some, he would ask Captain Weaver; his crew had an uncanny ability to find almost any item anyone could want. He was sure that one of them would know where to locate some aloe, if he failed.

"So pillows, cocoa butter, gauze and aloe. I think that we can manage that." He mused, his hand straying upward to stroke Sean's hair in a gesture he knew his partner had always found comforting. "Is there anything else? Perhaps we could see if Ari's ship is in port. Last I heard he was working on a recipe for a strawberry trifle."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The reality of the kidnapping aftermath was impossible to ignore. While the Brass were adamant about healing the psychological scars of the mission gone awry, they were less fixated on healing the physical ones – the ones that didn’t interfere with the ability to work. What Van Drakke had done to him made for damaging testimony at her trial, and that was to be preserved.

Sean had submitted to numerous photographing sessions. Anything that could be done to cover up for his own peace of mind took priority, as far as he was concerned. As it was, he barely felt comfortable disrobing in front of his own husband.

He despised her for doing that to him. For taking away so much for him, even after the rescue. He hadn’t died at her hands; his crew hadn’t lost a single life. Yet, surviving wasn’t as sweet as he had dreamed it would be, when he had only internal hope to keep him going.

Admittedly, the strawberry trifle sounded enticing, in an existential way. Once upon a time, Sean would have leapt at the mention; he had an infamous sweet tooth, and quality desserts were difficult to come by on missions, even with a talented galley cook. However, as with all food, the mere thought made his stomach flip, and the Captain couldn’t gather enthusiasm for the dessert. “No, thank you.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh's stomach dropped at the rejection. It was expected; after all, Sean had barely accepted any of his offers, particularly not any that involved food. But he continued to hope that he would find a way to lift up his husband's smile, if only for a little while. Something to comfort him, to take his mind off the ordeal he had endured.

He ate in silence then, wracking his mind for some suggestion that might allow Sean some measure of temporary comfort. Some offer that the captain wouldn't reject out of hand had to exist, if only he were creative enough to think of it.

Sensitive enough, empathetic enough to know what would help.

He pushed aside his bowl once it was empty, then offered, "There's a bit of bubble solution left, if you would like to take a bubble bath. I can give you a massage and then we can sit in bed and talk after."

Had this been before the kidnapping he would have suggested activities other than talking for bed, but his spouse hadn't been exactly receptive to their previous favorite activities, either.

Eventually he would be himself again.

Josh had to keep telling himself that.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Despite Josh’s discomfort, Sean was content as they were. For these few minutes, he could rest against his husband in their shared home and simply try to take comfort with the position. He didn’t have to keep up appearances for others, didn’t have to pretend that he was unaffected by what had happened as a means of boosting morale. He could simply reveal in what closeness that he was able to accept.

Which was why the other man’s suggestion was like a knife to his chest. As much as he wanted closeness with his husband, he couldn’t do that, not yet.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, before he whispered, “Slim, I can’t.”

He could talk in bed for as long as his husband wanted, although there were certain topics that he still didn’t want to discuss in detail; he was haunted enough as it was. But to undress for a bath in front of the navigator? To take that bath and have Josh’s hands run over his unclothed flesh, corrupting memories and merging sensations in his addled brain?

Josh had seen the mark on his chest, so it was no longer a means of hiding from him. But he was physically ill at the thought of going through that. And he was apologetic for that. “I’m so sorry.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Don't apologize," Josh hurried to reassure his spouse despite the pain he felt at yet another rejection. He was glad that Sean had closed his eyes, as that allowed him to brush away the tears that were forming in his own.

How selfish of him, crying over a mere rejection when his husband was the one who had suffered, was the one who continued to suffer.

"Don't apologize," He repeated, nuzzling his head against Sean's. "We don't have to. Perhaps before bed we can just try a shoulder massage."

Or feet. Or anywhere that wouldn't result in this distressing reaction towards the idea of undressing and touching.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean felt Josh lean against him, felt the scruff on the other man’s cheeks and chin brush against his face. He leaned into that touch, nuzzling back because he took comfort in that physical contact, even if he appeared otherwise. The Captain’s eyes remained closed for another moment, as he steeled himself for the rest of the conversation.

Of course, he couldn’t help but apologize, because he didn’t want to deny the other man the intimacy they had shared before the mission. Truly, he wanted to be close to his husband, wanted to return to the easy banter and deep closeness that provided the bedrock of their relationship.

But he couldn’t. Not yet, for it was too soon.

“We can try.” Sean opened his eyes, peering up into Josh’s from the unique vantage point. If he was able to keep his shirt on for the exercise, he thought it would be fine; after all, the embraces, kisses, and cuddling all worked without triggering memories. That had to count for something.

Additionally, just because he couldn’t receive didn’t mean that he was incapable of reciprocity. If he didn’t have to undress and submit to such touches, then he would be fine. “I could give you a massage,” he reminded his husband. “You’ve been doing more than your share all week; it’s the least I could do.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

"I haven't," Josh disagreed, attempting to both nuzzle and caress at the same time time. He'd done what was necessary for their lives to continue without falling into complete disarray, but beyond that he hadn't managed to actually help and so he didn't think he ought to be commended for that. There had been a great deal of housework and repairs done, but that was simply to occupy himself while Sean was at therapy -- if the other man was doing something productive then the navigator didn't think it was fair that he should relax and enjoy himself.

However, he also didn't wish to argue, and so he said, "We can both have massages, then."

And despite his belief that his husband needed the relaxation more than he did, he would welcome the physical intimacy.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean disagreed. Given the nature of both his and Josh’s jobs and the attendant lifestyles, neither of them could properly be considered domestic. However, they made do as best they could. In the week since returning, Josh had done more housework than Sean could remember him doing in recent memory. The Captain took notice, even while he was shuffled in and out of therapy sessions and meetings with the Brass.

However, he also had no desire to argue. He didn’t have the energy to argue with the Brass and with his therapist while out of the house and then with his husband at home. Sean was grateful that Josh proposed what might constitute a compromise, because he could live with the underlying agreement.

Perhaps by the time he finished giving Josh his massage, they would both be tired enough to go to sleep. Or he would have managed to relax sufficiently in order to let Josh touch him.

Either was acceptable. The Captain didn’t ask for very much when it came to the universe granting favors. Then again, his luck with the universe had run out months ago, and he didn’t have high expectations for regaining its good graces in the near future.

He turned his head, arching up to brush his lips against the other man’s cheek. “I love you.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Although Sean didn't explicitly agree to the suggested compromise the fact that he didn't outright reject it was enough for Josh. He had found some occupation that his husband would accept, and that was all that he wanted for the moment.

If he could just get acceptance, then perhaps true happiness and contentment would come soon after.

The confession caught him off guard, not because Sean hadn't said those words countless times before, but because the days since his emancipation had been so full of stress and hurt that expecting small admissions of love was simply more than the navigator was willing to ask.

But instead of expressing any of that surprise he smiled, delighted. "I love you, too." He whispered, fingers raking through Sean's hair gently. "Always."

And although this ordeal had been difficult he was so, so grateful that he had Sean back alive instead of in a box. He didn't know that he would have survived himself, had his spouse been killed. It was unfortunately likely that he would have sacrificed himself to defeat Eva out of grief. And, he reflected, he wasn't certain that Captain Weaver or Dr. Campbell wouldn't have had similar reactions to their husbands being killed.

Wouldn't that have been grand? Three grief-stricken men bent on destruction of their enemy and themselves.

Even with Sean's trauma this was a far better resolution.

"I could just sit here with you forever."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean offered his husband a small smile when he returned the verbal declaration. He didn’t doubt Josh’s love even for a moment, but it was nice to hear aloud. Particularly when he felt as vulnerable as he did. So many aspects of his life had been inverted; being able to rely on his husband’s love and affection was necessary for his well-being and for his ability to cope.

The Captain tilted his head slightly, trying to better accommodate Josh’s fingers in his hair. Sean had always found the sensation of his husband stroking his hair to be soothing, and he wanted to extend the contact for as long as possible.

There were moments when Sean displayed the uncanny ability to know what other people thought, particularly his husband. The Captain attributed this to keen observation, innate understanding of how the human mind worked, and hunches. Other people were occasionally more impressed than was warranted. He experienced one of those moments, because he knew how Josh thought, and emotions and grief were not so foreign to him that he couldn’t understand. Thus, unprompted, he said, “She’ll be sent to a penal colony for this.”

He would see to that.

Then he closed his eyes again, although this was from a sense of security rather than pained regret. “So could I. In fact, I think I’d like to do that.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh nodded solemnly at the comment regarding Eva van Drakke. He wouldn't precisely say that he was glad, because no amount of punishment would diminish the damage she had done. However, she couldn't be allowed to go free because she would only cause more harm. And because Sean was alive he didn't really want to destroy her utterly; he wasn't proud of it, but he knew that would have been his instinct (at least initially) had she killed his husband.

When Sean moved to better allow him to stroke the other man's hair, Josh shifted as well, embracing his spouse with his other arm and allowing his free fingers to seek out his husband's hands.

"Then we can. I don't have anything else to do tonight, do you?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“No,” Sean admitted with the barest shake of his head (to move more than that would potentially dislodge Josh’s fingers, and he had no desire to do that). “I don’t have any other plans.”

He didn’t even intend to eat, because the thought of food did nothing positive to his stomach or his appetite. He was perfectly content to rest here with his husband for the foreseeable future, moving only when Josh required something more substantial to eat than the cereal and fruit had been. At that time, he might opt to brew a mug of tea.

The Captain leaned into the embrace, taking comfort in the security of his husband’s arm, while Josh’s fingers continue to move soothingly through his hair. He spent several moments in silence, allowing the touch and the closeness to communicate in lieu of words.

Eventually, he broke the silence. “My meeting with the Brass was less than it should have been.” He took a deep breath and then sighed softly. “It isn’t as though I don’t understand their concern or the need for precautions, but some of the questioning is excessive.”

It was standard protocol following a kidnapping and mental compromise of crewmembers. However, Sean saw no end in the near future, which meant that this would be reality for him and for his crew. It added insult to injury.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh frowned at Sean's statement. He didn't think it was beneficial that his husband was forced to relive his experiences day after day for the amusement of the higher ups, even if he did understand their reasoning in the abstract. He was simply more committed to his husband's emotional well being than cataloging precisely every offense committed by the pirate queen.

She would be punished regardless; there was more than enough evidence of her wrong doings.

His arm tightened protectively around his spouse. "I'll talk to them." He promised, though he was well aware how futile that effort would likely be. He had no standing that anyone should listen to him, but he couldn't stand idly by while his husband was in pain. Perhaps the audacity of his intervention would shock them into backing off, even if it was only a temporary reprieve.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean thought that nothing would result from speaking to the Brass, with the possible exception of disciplinary action against Josh. However, they were sharing a quiet moment, and the Captain was calmer and more relaxed than he had felt all day. He didn’t want to disturb this balance to argue about the futility of his husband’s determination, and the possible career backlash.

“They can’t keep up the pace forever,” Sean remarked with a soft sigh. Eventually, the Brass would extract all of the information he had or they would decide that they had enough for prosecution. He hoped that would be sooner rather than later, yet he preferred to bear the brunt of scrutiny, if it meant that his crew was spared the in-depth analysis.

Besides, he was in a unique position, because he had spent more time in Anastasia Van Drakke’s company. She had reserved her greatest contempt for him, after all.

With another soft sigh, the older man turned in his partner’s arm – just slightly. He shifted his head, turned to rest it comfortably against Josh’s shoulder while turning his face inward, and pressed it against his spouse’s neck. “I want them to give a ruling on when they think The Vermont will be space-ready again. I don’t want my crew to suffer unwanted grounding.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Despite the melancholy emanating from his spouse there was something pleasant about the current situation. If Sean hadn't seemed so drained then this would have been the perfect scenario, simply sitting together in affectionate embrace.

But his partner was scarred, unable to express any genuine happiness since his rescue. And Josh couldn't be happy when his lover wasn't.

"I hope they give you an answer soon." He whispered, nuzzling his chin into Sean's hair. "But so many of your crew are under observation..."

He wondered if it would really be wise to release them all so soon. Would being back on th ship give them all a needed sense of purpose, or would it be a constant reminder of the horrors they had endured?

He couldn't say.

That wouldn't stop him from providing the most positive spin he could, as support.

"It would be good for everyone to go back to routine."