Girl, Uninterrupted

[Lyra Caruso]

[First page]

Yeah, I know, original title-do not steal. God, I'm a dork.

This isn't a journal more than just a collection of my mind-gremlins, the things that gnaw at me, the things that kicks off my berserk button and maybe the very very few things that don't piss me off.

I wanna call it my manifesto, but that feels too pretentious to even consider.

But it could be apt too. The word rolls nicely off the tongue every time.

[Lyra Caruso]

I’ve been here a short time and I don’t know what to think.

For one, I’m in VERMONT. It’s a slower pace than in Boston and a place I could never see myself in without pretense of vacation or visit. I haven’t gotten the chance to see Pilot Ridge long enough to actually finding something to hate about it.

Hammel itself. I was nearly disappointed that this school is just a admittedly huge but jacked-up high school, but there was some relief too. I don’t feel like saving the world only to have people still treat me, treat us meta things with such shit-tastic disregard. That and I’d make a piss-poor hero, seriously.

People always will find fault. It doesn’t matter if we have the same bones, same muscle structure and organs underneath. God forbid there be a little difference, a little variation. It disgusts me that there’s no appreciation for how crazy with variety this world is. Not my fault they’re jealous of awesomeness.

I suppose I shouldn’t say that though. My roommates are really bright people. Not mentally, just in general demeanor; I had the slightest thought to go change rooms upon meeting them. Okay, maybe one could be mistaken for sunshine itself, it makes me cringe and seek the sanctity of my room. The other one, I dunno her deal yet. She speaks with this smile that’s fetching at face value, but I’m not quite easy to believe in what she’s saying.

It’s keeping your eyes open. It’s very easy for things to feign truth and kindness, after all.
So I do wonder about them and how they really are. I wonder what I will hear if I hang out in some reflective place in their rooms. What spiteful words I will hear from the ball of sunshine or what truths will fall from the lips of the scene girl when no one’s looking.

On second thought, I’ll stay. The curiosity craves attention.

That said, there was someone that didn't annoy me. Lucy doesn't strike me as dishonest and she hates art-house film crap as much as I do. Good to know I have a fellow horror fan on this campus. I’ll have to bother her more.

Nothing more to report or dump from my brain. I’m just gonna check around the reflective underbelly of this campus. Maybe I’ll find something interesting to do in the meantime.

[Lyra Caruso]

The world beyond the reflection is unlike anything I have ever known. It's backstage, where I'm able to hide away and watch as others take off their masks. In a world that values impressions and appearances, I still find some good faith when people decide to throw away their masks and indulge being human. Or meta, whatever. It's still a little surreal to be one.

So, that is an honest world, a world I cannot feel with my own hands. And yet, I know when passing into a mirror, I both exist and do not all at once.

I never really had to sit and dwell on it. I try not to linger too long, using it as a passage to places I need to get to and too lazy to walk it. Only recently had I paid attention to what happens to me there. I can't explain it, it's like a ghost trying to explain what being a phantom feels like to a live person. The person would just scream and run away because holishit, a ghost is talking to him.

My body exists when I'm in there, I think, but it also feels like only a small part of me enters the reflection, leaving me to wonder where the rest of me goes. Do I simply melt into the surface I enter? And what happens if I stay too long?

I don't know, but testing it sounds like a long term goal to keep. Best as any time to learn about this at a meta-thing-school, but I will need some trustworthy bodies for the experiments.

Actually, it would probably be best to concentrate on actually accumulating some trustworthy allies. I'm batting a thousand so far.

[Lyra Caruso]

I don't think I'll even understand the whole relationship thing.

Humans are social creatures, never meant to live lives alone. So I get that, there's always that reach for someone. I see a lot of the times though, it's all need to alleviate certain insecurities or fears, fears of being alone mostly that people cling to each other purely out of desperation. And then other time, it is just carnal wants: the need to possess another person, the need to fulfill a person's own desires without really thinking of the other person. There's too much trust that have to be exchanged and there's just not enough fair exchanges to ever see myself ever considering walking that road willingly.

And then I meet Bluebroad, this manic pixie chick that apparently really knows Lucy. It doesn't bother me one bit if Luce's a dyke magnet, not my business. Hell, I rarely ask about who Lucy knows but I do know some of the cast in her side of the world in passing - cool roommate, douchey blonde twins. Actually those are the only two I remember off hand. And then suddenly a blue-haired broad with powers akin to mine shows up in the reflective world.

And worse, she has a better grasp of the reflective world than I do. It even looks different, way wider and monochromatic, with windows leading to reality. It was jarring and I felt like such a fucking loser for not being able to show her up. Make fun of my accent? Used to it. Got one friend? Yup, but thanks for hammering home that I suck at dealing with people-things in general. But not knowing what I can do in my own calm and truthful world got me.

It's a stupid thought. I know it's a stupid thought considering I just learned I could do this, but it still crossed my mind and it's still lodged there.

Thankfully she was a big enough bitch to distract me from any circular thoughts at that moment. Actually, Bluebroad really reminds me of that chick Marcel dated a few years ago. He brought her home once, really pretty and rocked the dye-job well. But one year he came home from break and took me and the cousins to a rock concert at Wilbur Theater. Came back home and she had broken into our house, took his clothes and burned them out in front of the lawn. From what he told me later, she had been apparently upset that he visited home and thought he was actually cheating on her. To be fair, he should be careful dating a girl with fire powers.

Rule 5: Bitches be crazy.

So anyways, Bluebroad was also a big enough bitch to make me question what the hell she and Lucy has. I dunno what to call it, it's a very uneven-looking relationship and I'm kinda worried about Luce for it. What are you supposed to call it when one person is able to impose their presence on you at any point in time? Stalking, it REALLY looks like stalking. I dunno if Luce thinks it.

What's the point of even stalking someone that doesn't piss you off? There's so many other rubes in this school to scare and stalk and mess with, why waste that fun on someone you call a friend, someone you respect? So confusing!

Luce is a big girl though, she'll handle things somehow. The hammer offer stands officially. Hell, Matilda wouldn't mind the smashing either.

God, I SO hope I never have to deal with this kinda crap ever. This seems way too fucking complicated to deal with normally. I cannot imagine being or wanting to be that close to someone to wanna be around them all the time or kiss them, just ew. I really, really doubt anyone would wanna be around me that much and I triple doubt that someone would ever look at me that way.

I'm not nice.
I'm not oh-so-airheaded-bubbly.
I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not just for someone to like me. I'd rather not be social if I can help it and I'm not even remotely pretty. So many of the people here at Hammel are gorgeous, I have to wonder if metas have the underlying ability to have perfect looks.

Know what? I'm okay with all this. It feels a lot better being the fringe of the school social system and away from all that madness. Besides, way more fun to point and laugh at everything.

[Lyra Caruso]

If there's anything that grinds my gears more, is thought policing bullshit. Day by day, words are being redacted and language is becoming restricted.

You can't say tranny or retard, apparently it's hate speech. I learned that during that stupid Sex talk thing that happened in school recently. Isn't that more of a hate speech when it comes from a dark place of a person's mind and heart? KKK, those bitches actually HATE others. I never felt any real hate towards any specific group of people, because that would require me actually giving a shit about other people!

Except I hate Canadians.
And New Yorkers.
Dickbags.
See? THAT's hate.

Where's the line? You can't even make a joke anymore without other people jeopardizing another's livelihood. What good is anything if you can't make light of horrible things? What CAN individuals do but poke fun in absurdity - terrible things happen all the TIME and what, we can't even laugh it off to make things hurt a little less? People are over-thinking shit all the time, getting mad over the stupidest little reasons when there are bigger problems to deal with! A joke is a joke, godammit!

People seriously gotta grow some balls and thick skin, because if someone's gonna judge me on something that isn't even relevant to my burning rage, then they better be right to cast stones. I have no problem throwing back at people if they wanna spar.

That said, I'll have to meet with the douche for silly detentionanigans.
Because I think highly of shrinks already!
Wonder if I should hang out in the mirror-world for the rest of the week.

[Lyra Caruso]

I'm annoyed.
Not new, I know.

I've been seeing various Christmas decorations since before Halloween. It's not even Thanksgiving yet dammit! It's kinda annoying, there's no just enjoying the holiday that's present. People are so gung-ho to move on to the next holiday, it just seems like everyone and everything is in a rush. I don't remember it being this way.

Or has it always been this way and I'm just waking up to it? I'm not sure, I cannot fathom it always being this way. Halloween comes, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas. It's just that simple, at least I would think it's that stupidly simple.

Halloween came and went this year in a blink of an eye; maybe it's because I was away from home for the first time. I usually met up with the kids on my block and we cause mayhem and trick-or-treat. God those days were pretty fucking awesome! There was so much egg throwing and toilet paper bombing the hipster houses that dared give granola bars! This place had the right atmosphere, people were into it but I felt off. I didn't bother going to the dance, wasn't my scene. Clem got roped in, poor bastard, but I skipped it. I don't think I'd fit in there anyways.

I thought to bother Luce or Echo for maybe a pregaming session, but I dunno. Maybe my heart wasn't too into it this year?I got dressed up, my costume was pretty epic too! I dressed as Sadako from The Ring (and not the shitty remake, it's not Samara, fuck that). I even got the makeup going! my skills are pretty boss.

Scared a bunch of kids around town real easily it provided a little entertainment at least. I'm probably gonna get yelled about it if word gets back to the school.

I hope this melancholy feeling isn't something permanent. I love Halloween, totally beats out Christmas and narrowly edges out Guy Fawkes Day.