Can't Let Go [Morgan]

[Jacob Lawrence]

June 10th, 2012
approximately two weeks after this

“Hey Morgan. It’s me, Jake.

I was calling because I was worried about you after what happened the other night. I'm sorry about what I said. I just... when I get around you my head just turns to fog. I just... I wanted to know that you're okay. If you could call me, please, just let me know you're alright."

And yet there was no return call. Not that day, that week, or even that month. Just silence.

July 17th, 2012

"Hi Morgan, it's Jake again.

I know things are difficult between us, but I'm really just trying to check on you. We weren't able to resolve anything back then, but I'm not ready to give up yet. If we could just talk... If you could call me, I promise I'll pick up no matter what time of day or night it is.

Please, Morgan."

He didn't say it then, but Jake would have given anything just to hear Morgan's voice.

---

Weeks turned into months and there was still no word from Morgan. Though Jake had checked his phone religiously and still held out hope that one day the other man's name would pop up on the screen, it just didn't happen.

There had been several other messages left on Morgan's voicemail. Short messages, long messages, anything to let him know that Jake was still interested and to let him know that he would do anything to right his wrongs.

Sometimes it seemed hopeless, holding a candle for so long, and yet there were other times where Jake simply knew that he had to do this. No matter how long it took.

Jake had already spent several months in jail; he was willing to spend a lifetime earning back Morgan's trust.

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan did not develop an unhealthy drinking habit after what had happened to him, but on the occasions that he did drink he now had a tendency to let things get a little out of hand. And only recently had he started drinking alone. It never started out as drinking to forget, but bitterness had it's way of finding him.

Jordan laid his warm head on his master's lap, his earnest brown eyes ticking over Morgan's face as he put down his empty glass and picked up his phone. It was still like a reflex when he dialed the number and held it up to his hear, hearing the hollow ring on the other side.

"Jake?"

[Jacob Lawrence]

Jake was filling the dogs' bowls when he heard the phone ring. He set the bowls down in proper order before letting the boys into the kitchen, moving to the other side of the island so as not to get trampled by the larger members of the group. Thinking that it was probably Ella or Brendan, he didn't feel a need to rush.

However, when Jake saw the name on the screen of his phone, it was like time stopped. His fingers trembled just a little as he picked it up and pressed answer. When he held it to his ear and was greeted with the sound of Morgan's voice saying his name, he nearly gasped.

"Yeah. Hi, Morgan."

Even without knowing what prompted this call or what might be said to him, Jake couldn't keep himself from smiling.

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan’s eyes moved lazily to the clock, suddenly surprised at how early it was. How many had he had? Suddenly Morgan felt uncomfortable. He thought back to something Jake had said months ago, that he would answer no matter the time. Morgan wondered if he would answer if he’d known Morgan didn’t know what to say.

The pause while Morgan thought of all these things was quite long, yet he could think of nothing to fill it. Or rather, he could only think of too much. He was still hurt, angry, but mostly only because he was still hurt and angry. It was a strange cycle with Jake.

“I don’t know what to say.” Morgan finally said.

[Jacob Lawrence]

He laughed shortly at the blunt response, shaking his head slightly. "It's okay." It didn't matter if Morgan had wanted to call to berate him or call to complain, just hearing his voice was enough. "I'm... I'm glad you called, anyways."

He leaned against the countertop, rubbing the back of his neck absently. "I figured you were avoiding me because of what happened at the coffee shop."

[Morgan Tonaya]

Patting Jordan's head for comfort and courage, Morgan nodded. More to himself than to Jake, but the gesture was comfortable, and it aided the gentle sloshing of a buzz in his brain. He huffed a bit of a chuckle.

"I am." He admitted when Jake suggested he didn't want to talk because of their failure to do so at the coffee shop. No reason to be dishonest at this point, right?

[Jacob Lawrence]

He raised an eyebrow, though Morgan obviously couldn't see it, at the reply he earned. "Then... why are you calling me now?"

Jake chewed at the inside of his cheek, hearing the clanging of bowls against each other in the background as the dogs sloppily devoured their dinners. "Not that I mind. I've been worried about you, after all."

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan opened his mouth to respond, but only ran his tongue over his teeth and patted Jordan's head thoughtfully. Why was he calling him now? What kept him from just giving Jake the finger and telling him to butt out of his life forever?

"Because I can't let go." He finally answered, his voice heavy but sure. "Because I can't stop thinking about you." he cleared his throat. "About us."

[Jacob Lawrence]

There was a sudden tightening in Jake's chest at Morgan's admission and his jaw clenched momentarily. "Morgan..." He only whispered the other man's name as his head leaned more against his phone and he released a sigh.

"I can't either." He silently wished that everything was back to the way it had been, when they had been happy together, when he could see a genuine smile on Morgan's handsome face. Biting his lip, Jake took a moment to roll his bottom lip between his teeth, then quietly muttered, "I don't want us to be over."

"I'm so sorry, Morgan."

[Morgan Tonaya]

"We're all sorry." Morgan snorted wryly, pinching the bridge of his nose. When did he get so very bitter? He was tired, really tired. And he missed the way things had been.

"How do we go back to then, Jake?" Morgan asked quietly, his voice fading into a whisper, as if speaking to loud might shatter the tenuous link still between them.

[Jacob Lawrence]

How did they go back? It wasn't as if they could just forget the awful things that happened and it wasn't like Jake could pretend he didn't feel guilty. "I don't know..."

"We can't just... start over, can we?" It was idealistic and foolish to think so, but Jake missed Morgan so much, he would have done anything to have him back in his life again.

[Morgan Tonaya]

"Didn't we try that?" Morgan asked wryly, recalling their last encounter at the diner. It had started off pretty nice, like nothing was wrong, but the stinging memories just wouldn't go away.

"What happened isn't going away, no matter how much we want it to." Did that mean they couldn't escape? Would things always be like this and never like they were back then?

[Jacob Lawrence]

"Then I guess... we need to work through it." Jake gripped his phone tighter, as if doing so would keep Morgan closer. He had left with so much left unsaid, not that any of it would have justified what he did, but his intentions had always been to keep Morgan safe.

"You're right, we can't ignore it. Can we... should we talk about what happened?" Swallowing thickly, Jake could feel a faint burning in his eyes that he tried to blink away. "I still..." He stopped and sighed, moving over to the table and pulling out a chair which he immediately sank down into, propping his forehead in his palm.

[Morgan Tonaya]

Work through it? Morgan wrinkled his nose, his anger rising slightly. That was an awfully gentle way of putting something so major.

Talk about it? "About which part?" He added with a measure of venom. "The part where you kidnapped or a child or the part where I lost my sight and you all in one fell swoop? I thought you were dead, Jake."

[Jacob Lawrence]

It only broke his heart more to hear the frustration in Morgan's voice. And yet there was a part of Jake that almost wanted Morgan to be angry at him, to shout at him. He deserved it, after all.

"About all of it." Jake finally said after a long pause, shutting his eyes tight. "I only wanted to keep you safe, Morgan." And he couldn't even do that.