Silent Screams (AJ's Journal) [TRIGGERWARNING]
Aug 14, 2013 15:17:26 GMT -5
Post by Amanda Joy "AJ" Lane on Aug 14, 2013 15:17:26 GMT -5
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
AND I KNOW THAT YOU'LL USE THEM HOWEVER YOU WANT TO
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
August 14, 2013 -- 3:41 a.m.
I can still feel your hands wrapping around my hair, skimming over my neck.
I can still feel your firm grip on my waist, holding me in place beneath the trees.
I feel it all. Over and over again. The memories replay themselves underneath my eyelids as I lay in bed, like a never-ending movie that I'm forced to watch. I don't have a choice. It's enough that I had to live in those moments, but again and again I relive them in my mind.
I blamed myself. He touched me. He tried to steal something that wasn't his. That was my fault. Stupid pheromone manipulation. If only I didn't have this wretched power. If only I knew how to use it.
He threatened me. He called me names. That was my fault. If only I didn't hurt others.
I manipulated them both. Anger and Lust: two very dangerous emotions. I took the inkling that was already there and released pheromones that angered and seduced.
But you know what? I'm hurt too. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for the panic rising in my chest when I'm around people because I fear that I will manipulate them on accident. I didn't ask to feel like I had to be alone.
I tried to push people away, to make it so that they didn't want to associate with me. I didn't say much in return, I was painfully shy. I tried to ignore them, but my desperation to feel like I belonged and the craving for human interaction were my downfall.
I let this happen and now things need to change. They will change, or I don't think I'll ever sleep again.
All I do is cry every night, soaking my pillow and stare at the ceiling as memories replay.
Oliver. Oriel. Phoenix. All victims of my power, all victims of me.
I'm afraid of what I can do. I'm afraid of what I can make others do.
I'm also afraid that I only have one choice.
Amanda Joy
[/blockquote][/blockquote]
[/center]
