The Tiger Diaries

[Kamini Vena]

Umm, hi...journal/diary/notebook...thing.

Mom gave you to me originally right before I left for India, but I told her it would be fairly difficult for me to write seeing as I'd have no opposable thumbs, being a tiger and all. I hated to belittle her like that, but sometimes I have to. She can just be so normal, sometimes.

But Mother did have a point, a good idea. Documenting my experiences as a tiger for three months would be beneficial for me, and maybe for later research. After all, wouldn't it be good for me to know in the future how I should live? Being a tiger, but also a human, is confusing. I have two lives, but both are so deeply connected.

If I were to fall in love, would it be with a tiger or a human? If I were to become pregnant with a child, would I be unable to change? If I could change, would the shape I'm in pose a danger for the child during birth?

So, I'm on my flight now to India. I want to remember everything, and to do so, I think I should document. So at the end of every week, I'll find my human belongings -- which I can hopefully hide somewhere safe -- and document my week.

There are a few things I'm worried about. Surviving, being the biggest problem. I've never actually hunted real game. And I've never fought another tiger. I know I'm confident in my strength, usually, but I'm actually a little worried. How much stronger are actual tigers? I am only half tiger, despite the fact that I feel more tiger than human.

But I guess the only way to know is to try it.

Ciao for now.

[Kamini Vena]

The First Week

Monday: May 15
I landed this morning in the Indian state of Uttar Pradesh; specifically in the city of Lucknow. There is a district nearby, called Lakhimpur Kheri, that is home to an immense tiger (and other animal) reserve called Dudhwa National Park. The Dudhwa Tiger Reserve lays on the foothills of the Himalayas on the India-Nepal border. The last time I went to the reserve was when I was a child, so young that I don't even remember. My mother had told me the story before I left, that I had wandered away and they found me curled against the flank of a tiger. I wonder if the tiger is still alive, if he or she is still as untame as the day I first met them. Perhaps its one of the things I'll come to learn on my trip.

I considered about getting a hotel room to store my things, but I didn't see much of a point. I only brought two pairs of clothes, after all. The ones on my back and the ones I'll wear on my way back to America. I grabbed a cab straight off the plane and headed to the national park. I admit that to get onto the park without having to pay or sign papers was a little bit difficult. I told the cabbie to drop me off a mile away, so that I could change in the comfort of the trees. I could run and stalk and hide better in my tiger form.

The minute I got out of the cab, I raced into the trees and once I got a safe distance from the road, I dropped my leather pack that's holding all my belongings, stripped, repacked, and changed as fast as I could. If I thought it was hot in my human form, it was even hotter in my tiger form. It being the middle of summer, temperatures can get up past 100 degrees. I was panting by the time I picked up my pack between my sharp teeth and took off through the trees toward the smell of freedom.

Sneaking in wasn't as easy as I thought. I had to find a hole in an untended fence and dodge several tours and run several miles until I caught the first scent of tigers. I found a good place to hide my belongings in an old cliffside, between two boulders. Hopefully, I prayed, that nothing would shift.

And to be honest, the further I got from my belongings and, slowly, my humanity, I began to get more worried. I was trespassing in a tiger's territory, and tiger's are known to be very protective of their territories.

The sun was high above me, almost dipping toward the trees, when I came into contact with my first ever tiger, and she was not pleased to see me. Her snarl was the first thing I heard before the shape came forth from the trees. Although the tigress was clearly smaller than I, her tail was twitching violently back and forth in a show of aggression and I had no doubt that with her being born in the wild, she'd be stronger than I.

But something curious seemed to cross between us, and I felt a sort of click, or tug, on my brain. And suddenly I heard a voice, as clear as if it were said aloud, in my head.

"You smell strange, outsider. Why are you here?

I couldn't help but stand dumbfounded. Was that the tiger speaking to me? In my head?! But the voice repeated, and I couldn't find my voice. How do I speak in my head to another tiger?

A look of pity made the tigress tip her head to the side. "Don't you have a voice?"

I only shook my head, and she seemed to sigh, as if she realized I wasn't quite normal. "You can't or you don't know how?" she asked, sounding almost impatient.

I don't know how! I thought to myself, but she obviously didn't hear me. So just thinking wasn't the way to do it.

"I am called Aiman," she said. Her tail had long calmed down and now curled languidly near her feet. "Come. It is nearly night. Have you hunted?"

I shook my head and followed her into the trees. I didn't know how to hunt, but the tigress didn't seem to mind. I showed her the best way I could, which was by failing miserably, and she caught enough prey for the both of us. We sat side by side and ate together, and it was an early night for me. I passed out where I ate and had dreams of Hammel Institute, as strange as that is.

[Kamini Vena]

The First Week

Tuesday: May 16
I woke up the next morning confused and alone. I expected to wake up in my Hammel dorm room, but instead when I opened my eyes and lifted my head I saw the towering trees, heard the birds twittering, felt the humidity cling to my thick coat like a second layer of fur.

"Good, you are awake." A dead rabbit fell from the sky and landed at my paws. I looked up just in time to see Aiman leap from a tall boulder and land nearby. "You will learn how to hunt today," she explained. "I don't know how you managed to live so long without knowing."

I guess that's a good thing about Aiman. She voices her curiosity, but leaves it at that. Maybe its because she knows I can't speak. Maybe its because she really doesn't care either way. No matter what the reason, I'm glad she had patience with me. And I'm glad I have enough confidence in myself to know that animal instinct eventually takes over human blindness.

She taught me the basics. Crouching, pacing, stalking. Feet soft, belly to the ground. Tigers, or baagh, were born to be amazing predators, Aiman explained to me on that first lesson. "We must trust ourselves to let go and become one with our land, while still maintaining our dignity as rulers."

I thought I was being pretty successful with the forms, but Aiman only shook her head at my attempts. We worked hard into the night, missing an afternoon meal that was quickly made up by Aiman, who had disappeared near sunset. When she returned, she bore a small deer type animal between her jaws. She dropped it in front of me.

"Stop for now, and we will continue tomorrow." Aiman settled down in front of me. "It is as if you have something keeping you from letting go," she mused for me to hear. Her eyes bore into mine as I ripped the meat apart. "You have no blood lust," her eyes flashed as the sun passed behind the trees, "Perhaps that is your problem."

At that time, I had no idea what she meant. If only I had.

[Kamini Vena]

The First Week

Wednesday: May 17
When I woke up the next morning, I was sore and could hardly stand for the pain in my muscles. But something was off. Aiman was gone, as she was yesterday. The heat was as thick and suffocating as it was the day before. But it was the eery silence of the trees around me that had me on edge. My tail twitched nervously, and I lifted my nose into the air, parted my jaws, and sucked in a breath of fresh India air. I could smell nothing amiss. But still, the silence that remained was as sticky as the humidity. There were no birds chirping, no cicadas buzzing. The fur at my neck stood on end, my hackles raised, and just as I stepped forward, I was tackled onto the ground by a weight greater than my own.

A snarl ripped the air between us, and a pressure on my neck buried my nose into the dirt bellow. Claws dug into my spine, and for a moment, I saw only the white pain behind my eyes. I felt a warm breath ruffle my fur, and a fear gripped me. For once, I realized the danger I had put myself into. Where was Aiman? Who was this tiger above me, who was crushing me into the dirt?

"Fight. Back." The voice was Aiman's, and her tone sent a chill down my spine. "Fight, or be killed."

Teeth clamped down around my scruff, and something inside me clicked, like a light switch turning on that I hadn't known existed. Suddenly, I bucked my back and the tigress above me released my scruff and leapt, landing squarely in front of me. I jumped up to my paws and raised my head, snarling. My tail lashed back and forth like a snake, and Aiman leapt toward me.

Fear gripped me once more, I felt the switch turn off, and I spun around and ran. Stop! I screamed in my head, desperate for the tigress to hear me. I heard Aiman chasing me, her paws crashed into the leaf-scattered ground. She was an elegant huntress, and fast, but I felt that I was faster. I used to spend hours running around the Hammel track in my tiger form, back when I was a student.

I ran. I dodged under low branches and leapt over fallen logs and tall rocks. I was less elegant a runner, when I was running for my life. I turned too sharply, and ran into the sharp bushes. I took a chance and glanced behind my shoulder -- Aiman was nearly on my heels. When I looked back, I saw a looming cliffside and had to skid to a stop. No... I attempted to leap up to the nearest rock, but my claws only gripped the rock side. I pushed myself from the wall only to have Aiman head-butt me into the cliff.

I shook my head, the world was spinning, and Aiman was snarling at me. Her teeth gleamed in the sunlight that pierced the ground through the tree branches. "Fight!"

Aiman leapt. And the switch flicked on once more, and suddenly, something like Instinct took hold of my body and I leapt into the air. I crashed into Aiman, locking claws with her. A roar escaped my snarling mouth and one of my paws came free of our locked claws and I swiped at her face, knocking her to the ground. I landed back onto all fours, and felt my tail lash at the air.

Aiman shook her head, and suddenly we were connected once more, batting at each other with unsheathed claws and grabbing at each other with teeth. I bit into her ear, tasted the sharp tang of iron on my tongue and knew I had bit straight through. I hopped backward as something came over me, like a need to keep fighting although I didn't wish to hurt Aiman at all. The tip of her left ear hung loosely from a strange of skin. She bled from a scratch on her muzzle. I felt a sting on my right eye and had a feeling I had a cut across my eye. I hoped it wasn't deep. I didn't want to go back to Hammel with a scar...

Again we leapt at each other, and finally I managed to get on top. I held her down with my paws pressing into her chest. I do not..."want to fight you!" I yelled in my head, hoping she could hear.

Aiman's ears perked forward. "Fight!"

I lifted my lips upward into an exhausted snarl. I do... "not wish to fight you."

Aiman's lips pulled back into a strange, teeth-baring snarl that somehow reminded me of a victorious smile. "And neither do I."

Aiman had her legs against my belly, and she kicked me off. I skidded on my side, and lifted myself upward with a shake of my head. I was dumbfound. You can..."hear me?"

"Only a bit." Aiman seemed smug. "Next course of action is hunting. But you must learn, first. Come." Aiman led me back to the area where we had slept, and we once again went through the motions of stalking and attacking prey. I was clumsy. Looking back, I feel embarrassed. But I did not easily give up. That switch that had been flicked on seemed permanently so. And I was grateful that I seemed to finally feel like a tiger, no matter how small the feeling was.