jin kyung에 주

[jinkyung]

The room, dark as coal. The blinds drawn, and Mia lies asleep. I, on the other hand, cannot possibly close my eyes, or at least rest my mind. I'm restless. Hyo has ceased from sending messages by letter, and I'm mentally anxious. Has life's pressures increased to the point of no return or failed communication? I could text her again, although I doubt she's want to be bothered that much. I miss her much. She's my Mississippi River to the Midwest; an essential key to the functioning of the land of the free and home of the brave. My sister, my younger sister by only three minutes, still, my baby sister. I hope you understand how much I care for you, how hard I'm working here to be able to protect you. You're the only reason I'm here. I'm here to correct my mistakes from the past. The past that has fragmented my relationship with you, with mother, and with father. The past that has fucked me up, has fucked everyone up, because I made wrong turns. I almost ended up dead, if not for my...ability. I want nothing of the same for you. If only we could share skills, then I would worry less for you. You are my world, no matter who comes into my life, you will always be my first priority. Remember when you would dance and I would breakdance together in the studio in the basement to our favorite kpop? Oh how you squealed about those boy bands. Still, we choreographed our own dance moves that we promised we'd show off to family and friends, like a recital of sorts. Who says its too late for that?

Know that I love you forever and I miss your letters. Write soon.

JJ



항상 사랑

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[jinkyung]

"In this enemy town, on a spring day so harmonious
it brings tears to my eyes,
I wander aimlessly all day long with a missal
and a book called Poverty
wedged under my arm."

Ku Sang, Even the Knots on Quince Trees Tell Tales


Why does this stand out to me? Perhaps because of its simple eloquence that shines bright in the light of Poverty, in spite of the long journey he was on, to arrive at such a destination. The glory of it all!


As enlightening as that may be, there was still the issue of not hearing from my beloved sister. It makes my heart ache, which was the reason that I've resorted to reading Korean poetry. It calms me down, really. I've been doing so since childhood, but you knew that already, dear notebook, don't you? These tattered and torn pages from childhood, something Mother used to read to me when I was too young to understand what was going on. But she must have known that they would help me in my future, what a wise woman she used to be. Perhaps she lost her intelligence and wisdom over time, after fighting the tides of my ever-changing personality, and finally, giving up and resorting to caring solely for my sister. But where are you, Hyo? Mother and Father have yet to report any illness of yours to me, and surely, they would do something like that. After all, the let me know when Scruffy the family dog passed, and when they let our flock of parakeets go and fly into the wild while I was away at school. Now thinking back on that, I can remember how retarded of an idea that was. Did they really think they'd be able to survive in the New York winters? Hopefully the birds flew south and made it.

Where are you, where are you, where are you Hyo? I feel like leaving here and returning home, possibly only for a weekend, just to check on you. But the parents must not know. They would have a riot, and I can figure I'd be severely punished. You'd be fine though, even for not telling them. That's how its always been hasn't it?



------------


And you, young sir, you arrogant asshole, get out of my head, if you'd please. But you know, I think you'd love to be in my head. You and your fit body, muscular and hard, or at least it appears to be so, I've never touched you, your attitude repels any desire I have at that moment. Maybe if I duck taped your mouth shut I could fill my desire, but that seems a little violent. Maybe I should just get you drunk.. no no NO. I cannot think like that. Its far too violent to get what I want. In fact, I just want you to want me. Nothing more. Maybe for one night, you could just shut up, and quit the attitude. Just touch. You are the man in my dreams, although the chance of me having you is little to none. Still, you remain in my mind, teasing me like yarn to a kitten. Why must you torment me? Just leave me alone, and stay out of my mind or so help me.


정욕

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[jinkyung]

I find it very interesting not to care. The world would be so much more euphoric if only people minded their own business, because that would be the start of something new, tragic for some, relieving for others. Without invasion of privacy, there would be no need for gossip. And with no gossip comes a severe deficiency of lies and rumors. The halls would not stir with whispers, stares, and glares. People would have nothing to fill their idle time with, and would have to evolve to fit their new surroundings. Perhaps we would have more individuals involved in the arts, in science. Maybe some would be less apt to spend their time surfing the net on celebrity websites and more keen to actually excel in school or the workplace. This would lead to higher levels of job advancement and finer tuned skills, which creates better products. Better products means more money for them, higher business profits, and an overall higher GDP for the country, which means more power on an international level. Just think, we could have a better world if only people would agree to stop all the utter nonsense and stop spreading rumors. Here I am, ready for a newer and better world with smarter and more efficient people.

If only.

On the lighter note, I shall converse with the invisible self about my wanderings and habitual happenings throughout the past week or so. Although I've been keen to keep to myself, it couldn't be stopped by none other than Jared Park, a boy who seems to find great interest in me, or at least my abilities. Although slightly juvenile, the boy is only about a year younger than me, still, his maturity level confuses me. He's kind and a very hard worker. He's willing to try new things, and alas, I wouldn't have known any of this if he had not stayed persistent enough to force myself to give him a single lesson. For that, he was more than ecstatic, thankfully. I shall continue doing so, I do believe. He's a kind and gentle spirit and for that I can appreciate him.

사랑과 계몽

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