Gold Notes

[Leila Gold]

Dear...

Yeah, no, I'm not calling this a diary. Diaries are what little girls write in, or nice little old women. And I'm neither of those. This is...a book of thoughts. Yeah. Cool.

This notebook is really plain, though. I got it for Christmas. My parents have run out of things to send me, since I already have a television, computer, car, and all that other nice stuff. So this time it was a notebook, a letter, and a check. I think I'll use the money to buy Blue some stuff. Or maybe a nice new coffeepot for the office.

Anyway. My parents suggested that, in addition to writing to them more often and letting them know what's up, I should be keeping track of my own thoughts for the new year. So I decided to try it. New Year's Resolution, here I come. And with it, journaling.

I should decorate the notebook. Maybe some stickers. I think I'll put in some doodles, too...eventually. I suppose for now I should just get some things off my chest.

Like the holiday party. And Blue hanging out with that woman, who is quite obviously his friend. I wish I had known. Maybe if I'd realized he could make friends on his own, I wouldn't have pushed so hard to try to get him to meet people in town. Maybe. Probably not.

I made my own friend at the party. I actually, heh...yeah, we had waffles the next day. I don't really remember how I ended up at Savvy's apartment, but from what she's told me I was so completely drunk that she couldn't let me go back to my own apartment. It was probably a good call. And I think, against all the odds, we might actually end up being fairly decent friends. We'll see.

It's nice for me to meet up with some new people in town, actually, who aren't all the same age as my parents. Speaking of meeting new people...I met a doctor, and that reminds me that I should go visit the doctor. I haven't been in a while, and I haven't been feeling that good recently. Still, no reason to worry yet. It's not like it's been creating a lot of problems. And I'd rather not have to go in to the doctor, since it'll just make Blue nervous. Either that or he'll just go on another rant about all the painkillers. Hopefully this whole thing will just blow over.

Oh yeah. Found out something about Blue. He's gay. Who knew? Well, I assume he did, but that's not the point. I guess more than anything I feel kind of betrayed about it. I shouldn't, since I'm only his intern and he doesn't have to tell me anything. But for some reason I still feel kind of upset. Like, I was almost starting to think of him as part of my family, but he didn't feel like he could tell me about all these things. There's still so much about him that I don't know, and I guess I'll never know. But then, maybe I shouldn't. I mean, he is just my boss.

All right, I've done enough rambling for one night. Probably enough rambling for at least a week, if not a month. There's a reason I never kept a diary. I just stink at keeping track of these things. But whatever, I'll try again. Now I just have to hide this in a place where no one's going to come snooping for it. Probably stick it in with the comics.

Oh yeah, birthday's coming up soon. Hopefully no one remembers. Next thing you know the parentals will be shipping my pony up here as a present, since they can't come up with anything else. Much as I'd like to see Rover again, I don't think I can take care of him up here. Ha.

Leila

(Why did I just sign out like this was some sort of letter? This isn't a letter, it's just a ramble. So stop writing!)

[Leila Gold]

I just got back from the doctor. That's the first sticker for my little notebook--right on the front cover, in the middle. It's a picture of a dog with his arm in a sling, and it says "Get Well Soon!" on it.

Anyway, I told my doctor I wasn't feeling that good, and he said to keep an eye on it. If I'm still feeling this way, I may be getting depressed. And my weak immune system wasn't looking too good, either, though he's not sure that it's a sign of something bigger. It might just be cold season. I wish I had my old doctor from Texas, or even my Chicago doctor. Just someone I had more history with and who had better records of mine.

So I'll keep watching this...we'll see. Worst case, it's cancer, and I'm going to die in a year. Best case, I'm just feeling under the weather. They're doing some tests to check for cancer. I should hear back in a week or so.

I'm looking back at what I wrote last time, and I think I should probably write some more about some of that stuff, just in case I ever forget. Or something. Because it's easy to forget the first time you wake up in someone else's bed wearing only your underwear. But I'll probably end up talking it out more...maybe not. Kind of like the Cobalt thing. I just don't know what to do with him sometimes.

So I'm not going to worry about it. Everything's still okay for now. And I'm not going to freak out.

[Leila Gold]

Happy birthday to me!

You know, sometimes I think it's a bad thing, having my birthday so close to Christmas. I feel like a lot of people say, "Well, we got you a present for Christmas...and it's going to count for your birthday, too, okay?" But I suppose it's not so bad all the time. Generally you can kind of slip through the cracks and nobody even notices it's your birthday, which, when you're getting a little older, can be a good thing.

Let's face it. I'm 28 today, and I haven't done much with my life so far. Sure, I have a job, and yeah, I'm living on my own and totally independent and all that. But let's be honest, I don't want to stay in Pilot Ridge forever, and I think by this point in life you're kind of supposed to be set on your career plan. Obviously I'm going to be a lawyer. But I can't start building up to retirement or anything in the position I'm at. I'm actually not really making much money in the job I'm at.

Let's be honest. Blue and I don't get that much money from the work we do. It's just enough to cover the bills...after I cut my pay a little. I'm fine, of course, and I don't mind it, especially since it's not like I need the money for anything. My parents are still helping me out with that, and I have some things tucked away as well as the money I've invested. But still. Maybe it's time for me to start thinking about moving on to somewhere else.

Probably not yet...maybe another year or so...but I should start thinking about it.

And another thing. I don't like to complain too much, but I always figured I'd be married by now, or at least be in a relationship that I thought was going to last more than two months. I haven't gone on a date in eight months, and since I moved to Pilot Ridge it's like I've cut myself away from all options. The people here who are my age, straight, and not complete jerks...I've already dated them. In high school. And it wouldn't really be a good thing to go back.

Whatever.

I finally confronted Blue about the whole gay issue. He wants me to act like it's not big deal. Which it isn't, so long as he would actually accept it. I guess I just feel like he's not really comfortable with it himself, so it's still kind of a big deal. The other things I wish he would deal with better is his sudden influx of friends and developing a better sense of himself. But maybe I'm just biased and will always think that he's a great person for being willing to take me in. I doubt he ever actually looked at my grades from high school and college, or he may have been less willing to take me on. Especially my high school grades.

More than the new year, my birthday always feels like a time for me to look back on everything I have done and try to take stock of what I have done so far with my life. Let's face it, I am about a third of the way through my life (if I live to 90), and I haven't really done anything. It's about time I stepped up and got to work on some of my bigger goals.