~NIGHTMARE DISORDER~

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: NiN - Ruiner
--------------------------------------------
Still No Use

It has been a LONG time since I got here. I must admit, at least it isn’t as hot as down south. Jeezus it was like a oven at best. Well, for me it was anyway. I am partially glad I came here. But in some respects I am not.
Hammel should have known that telling me about the people I killed was… was a mistake for the most part. Most of the time I never stayed in my dorm, I found a corner in the dark a thought about if I could be redeemed somehow. But knowing all the families are to far away to reach, and that knowing would probably forgive me… it’s like being in Hell already. I best stop thinking about that… it’s not good. Anyways, I best get ready for school. I’ll be filling this in whenever I can… perhaps I’ll get a camera and mess around ^^ being a camwhore is so fun!

NoteToSelf: Do yourself a portrait... serious comic style, perhaps?

Ahaha, I'mma so cool ^^

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: MCR - [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqCvhtlDkOg
]S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W

[/url][/font]
--------------------------------------------
ENTHUSIASTICALLY DEAD

Oh jeez, it’s Mayu‘s birthday soon goddamn it! I got a hell of a load of wrapping to do! And Antosha still wants help with that party he wants to set up. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if May and Ant turned out to be long lost relatives.
I met a few… interesting people earlier today or yesterday, some where. The first was a guy called Oberon, I believe. Tall guy, really formal and unsettling for me. I believe he was an accountant, as local knowledge has led me to believe.
Another was a military girl called Exie Yates. Poor girl wasn’t used to all the relaxing we did… although that might just be because she was reading Twilight.
I also met Ant again, tried to scare the living daylights out of me. He was acting more homosexual that usual, although I couldn’t tell if that was feline instinct or sheer will.
L.C was another one. Goddness knows what she was crying about, Ant also pointed out that her knuckles were bleeding. Although I later discovered quite a few smashed up lockers.

I wouldn’t call the past few days productive, in all terms. It was quite simple and my power is still as freaking useless as ever. I wonder when it will start to improve? I do have an idea that may sort all this out, but if I’m wrong than jeez will I regret it.
Look out Europe, I’mma planning on seeing you soon! [/center]
[/font]

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Eminem - Lose Yourself
--------------------------------------------
DO-LALY SPASTIC

I guess it has only been a day since I wrote in here last. Jeez I’m on a role this week! Anyway, today’s entry isn’t a recount of the people I’ve met, but a particular letter I received from my parents two days after I arrived at Hammel. I haven’t had anything from them since. In light of this, I have found it appropriate to write the entire letter in here, and give its simple message.

--------------------

Dear Ashley,
As I am sure you have figured out by now, me and your father were… hasty to have you leave, and we’re not confident that you absolutely understand why we had to make such decisions. You see, twenty families have been tormented by your very existence; they hate you, and that’s that. They have been protesting and sending letters to the council to have you jailed for life. You see, mass murder is illegal. People are not all willing to admit to your kind… mutants, meta-humans if you will. Me and your father did what was best for you, and for us. We were grateful that Hammel took you in as soon as they did, as vindictive as that sounds. Your father was fired from his job after you caused a rut, and he’s only just found a new one. I have been working from home, anonymously.

Ashley, I do not feel sorry for anything I have done, and I doubt I will regret this. As your mother, I am appalled by what you have done, and I so brazenly say I am glad you have moved. I hope you feel safe among members of your own kind. Needless to say, we feel a lot safer now, too.



Regards, Marie-Ann Shaw

PS: We would be gratified if you didn’t reply to this letter. Thanks.

--------------------

There we have it. The last words from my beloved parents. The message? Fuck off.

[/font]

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Pendulum - Witchcraft
--------------------------------------------
Elite Angsty Kid

So, as you might be able to tell from today’s whimsical title, that today hasn’t gone as well as yesterday. That is for multiple reasons. I won‘t explain just yet, instead, I‘ll give you an update on my buddies list:

Guys
Antosha ‘Ant’ Vikenti- Ant is probably the most random, funny and in general coolest guy in the entire school. He is my best friend, and has agreed to go to Europe with me, only if May is coming too. Ant is a shape shifter (black panther) and makes for great (if not awkward) heterosexual V homosexual moments. He is possibly the most extraordinary person I’ve met.

Oberon Sparks- Tall, Accountant, in general SCARY. His tallness makes me feel awkward, even though he isn’t as tall as Ant. I have no intention of ever losing my timetable again!

[/color]
Gals
Mayu ‘May’ Yoshiko- May. There is a lot to say about her. Sweet, charming. She puts a lot of care into everything she does, and I’m not to sure whether her telepathy is a gift or a curse. I’ve made her cry in the cafeteria, and I don’t want to do it again. Even so, her birthday is coming up soon, and so is Christmas. I am so glad she invited me over for Christmas, I’d have nowhere to go otherwise.

Exie ‘Pexie’ Yates- Militant and same old. She is getting used to the whole relaxing thing, and I hope her dad realises that relaxing doesn't always mean slacking off. I have no intentions of meeting her father anyway.

Lyra ‘L.C’ Milliner- L.C is angsty. That's all I know, and want to at this point. She seems desperate to get away from everyone, worse than me even. I don't know if I can help her, but I doubt she'd let me if I tried. Her power is unique, I've never seen anything like it before.
[/color]
[/left]

I haven't met many more people since last time, but I have managed to cause a rut with Mayu. She asked what I was going to do for Christmas, and I got angry about my family. I hope Ant doesn't beat me up to much, I like May. A lot. She's like a light that cuts through the darkness. I hope Ant still lets me see her, and that Ant will still be my gay BF haha! I can't imagine the world without those two.
[/center]
[/font]

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Black Stone Cherry- Lonely Train
--------------------------------------------
ABDCTED BY THE SLENDER MAN

Yes it is amazing what you find by raping surfing the internet *hint*the title*hint*. Anyways, Christmas is almost here and I’ve finally got a few things sorted out for May’s brithday and Christmas and not to mention Ant’s Christmas as well. I’ve spent way more than I should after I had found my bank account to see I had received $3’000 dollars from my not-so-lovable parents. I have no idea why they’d do such a thing, but hey, take what you can as long as it ain’t stolen. Partially. Rubbers and pencils naturally go missing from classrooms when an artist is about.
So, I think I’ll jot down what I bought this year, and perhaps when I bought it, since it doesn’t hurt.

Ant

~ A set of professional pencils (with sharpener and rubber ^^)
~ Random chibi him with cat ears. Yes. It looks cute. Trust me.
~ Twilight poster for him to graffiti. Yes I got a marker for it too.
~ Bottle of Jagermeister, see how much he can take before he gets pissed.
~ A pair of black leather 'drivers gloves' so when he's at the wheel, he knows he belongs there haha!
~ A pair of dark skinny jeans, specially bought

May

~ External hard drive for her laptop if she need it ^^
~ 1st to 10th chapter of Oran High School Host Club (since I guessed Manga would be a good way to go)
~ A bunch of flowers which should get here for Christmas eve-eve (the day I should be going over her place)
~ A rather precious looking white gold ring with a diamond surrounded by sapphires.

NOTE: Oh jeez, I've already spent $1'000, and guess what? That's about to rocket when you see what else I bought May! Since she wanted a puppy and she's partially Japanese, I thought I'd get her THIS little devil:



You wanna know how much he cost? Only 1'000 freaking dollars! I know, I know, I've been a bad boy this year. I got him two days ago, I did some research on his family and his mother and father are directly from Japan. That should please her. His name's Vegas. Strange name for a Japanese dog, but she can change it if she wants. He's a Shiba Inu, they house break themselves of you give them the right hints. The are intelligent so should have a plentiful supply of chew toys at all times. They are known for their infamous 'Shiba Scream', which is, technically, a high pitched yell. If you walk through the door and they start screaming, that's a good thing. It means they like you. However, if you handle them in a way they deem inappropriate, they will also scream. So far Vegas has been a charm. He's quiet, easy to control and sleeps on my bed. Hopefully he doesn't get to attached to me.

That bumps my Christmas money count to $2'000 dollars. Shit. I sure hope May likes Vegas. If she doesn't then I'll be keeping him. It would feel wrong though, he's such a lovely little thing. And I sure hope I don't have to pay them rent soon.

[/font]

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Kenji Kawaii- (Ghost in the Shell) ‘Ballad of the Puppets’
--------------------------------------------
SYMBOLISTIC ATTIRE

DECEMBER 1ST 2006, JAMES DENMAN MIDDLE SCHOOL, SAN FRANCISCO, CA

911 WERE CALLED OUT AT 10: 30 PM ON A WENDESDAY IN RELATION TO A FIRE OCCURING WITHIN THE SCIENCE DEPARTMENT. THE CAUSE WAS SAID TO HAVE BEEN A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD META-HUMAN SHAW, ASHLEY SYLVESTER. TWENTY PEOPLE WERE KILLED FROM THE DIRECT BLAST (MALE/FEMALE RATIO 9:11), THIRTY INJURED FROM FREE-FLYING RUBBLE, FIREBALL AND AFTER-BLAST (MALE/FEMALE RATIO 18:12)

"Wha-what the hell is going on?"

[/i][/right]

THE FIRE LASTED FOR FOUR HOURS BEFORE BEING EXTINGUISHED BY FIRE SERVICES AND LOCALS. AFTER THE INITIAL DESTRUCTION, WE DISCOVERED SHAW UNCONSCIOUS UNDER 4 FEET OF RUBBLE AND DEBRIS. AN AMBULANCE WAS CALLED OUT TO GET HIM TO HOSPITAL ASAP. TWO OF OUR OFFICERS WENT AWOL DURING THE OPERATION, DUE TO A CONDITION OF THE BODIES.

"I...I can't see! Oh God, what's happening?"

SHAW WAS TAKEN AWAY BY THE HAMMEL INSTITUTE BEFORE A COURT PROCEEDING COULD BE ORGANISED. ON THE SAME DAY, CHERNOBYL SCIENTISTS WERE BROUGHT IN FROM RUSSIA AFTER A NUMBER OF VICTIMS BEGAN TO SUFFER FROM RADIOACTIVE GAMMA POISONING (MALE/FEMALE RATIO 6:4). THE SCHOOL AREA WAS QUARANTINED AFTER THE SCHOOL SHOWED 400.8 ELEVATED RADIATION LEVELS. ALMOST EQUIVALENT TO LEVEL ZERO TURBINE HALLS IN UKRAINE.

"Is this it? Is it over... am I over?"

AFTER ANTHER FEW DAYS, WE RECEIVED INFORMATION FROM FAMILIES REPORTING STRANGE INFECTIONS AND DISEASES. VICTIMS' SKIN BECAME LOOSE AND STICKY, SOME ACQUIRED BURNS DOWN TO THEIR BONES. MANY LOST SOME OF THEIR FIVE SENSES, MAINLY SIGHT AND SPEECH. A CHILD BORN TO A VICTIM TWO DAYS LATER WAS SEVERELY DEFORMED.




A CHERNOBYL CHILD.
[/font]

This is a copy of Detective James Mason's report on what I'd done at my old school. I scribbled in a few of the thoughts that went through my head on that day. The police down there want me to graduate Hammel so we can do the proceedings on whether or not I get banged up for life, set free or given the death sentence.
I also learnt that my brother and sister are closing in. They are after me with a vengeance.[/center]

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Curve- Hell Above Water
--------------------------------------------
HEART OF A BEAST

Demons come in many forms. Sometimes they appear as dogs, rats, natural disasters and even people. People you love, and people you hate. Your family, friends, and everything in between. As far as I can tell, I know one demon. That demon is me. I may not look like much, but my heart is as black as the rock that forms at the mouth of a volcano. I know it, even if I have friends, or have people who care about me. I know what I am and I refuse to believe otherwise. Not even Ant could convince me otherwise. Not L.C, not Exie, not even Mayu. I don‘t think anyone can get these thoughts out from my head anymore. If only I could, I‘m seeing more and more horrific images in my dreams; one long nightmare every night. I don‘t understand what‘s going on. It‘s Christmas, I should be enjoying myself. Instead I‘ve been shown the truth about myself. Once I graduate, I‘ll go back to San Francisco, I‘ll let them pass the death sentence. What have I got that‘s worth living for now?

I don‘t understand what’s happening anymore, and nor do I want to. My life has gone from bad to worse in a matter of moments, and I’m just going to have to site here and bear it all on my own. I doubt anyone could help me now, what I think what I feel and what I want to do. I thought I had overcome this stage, but it seems to have just lain dormant. I personally blame Hammel for all the discomfort in my life. I prefer a big dose of bullshit any day if the truth is that painful.

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Kamelot- Forever
--------------------------------------------
KEEPSAKES AND CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

I haven’t done an entry in ages! I think today will be another trivia page. Today, it’ll be my keepsakes from my childhood, you know, the time when I was actually a little loved by anyone at all? Yeah, it seems so far off now, and to be honest I don’t think I deserve it again. I don’t deserve much at all. Anyway, most of this stuff I might want to hide from Ant, he’d pick on me if he found it. He’s like that, you see. If I told him I owned something remotely fluffy, he’d never stop mentioning it, and May… I don’t really know what she’d do… hug it? Keep it for her own? I’d let her hug it, she could borrow it if she wanted, even.



So this is the first personal item I ever got, my dad bought it an hour or so after my birth, I’ve always had it and it was the same stuffed animal I hit Catherine and Rael with that hot summer day when they wouldn’t shut up. It’s been in the washing machine more in its lifetime than any of my shirts have this year. Strange, I know, but this little teddy is all I’ve got left of my peaceful childhood, and it's no surprise I’d want to look after it. Goodness knows what I’d do if I lost it or someone destroyed it. I think I gave it a name, I can’t remember. I think it was named after a MotoGP racing driver… Rossi or something. Yeah, Valentino Rossi he was named after. I used to be into motorcycle racing when I was a little kid, if I’m bored I’ll go back to it and see who isn’t there anymore. Sometimes racing cars too, although I’m not sure about NASCAR. All they do is go round and round, instead of actually testing their driving skills by going round tight turns. NASCAR is for wimps. Period. At the moment he sits at the bottom of my bed, or on the bed side cabinet, depends.

The next thing is not fluffy, and is a lot smaller than Rossi. It is a connection to my past, both good and bad. I was given it on my first birthday as an… induction to the Shaw family. Catherine and Rael both have one too, although Catherine’s an oval and made from moonstone and diamonds, and Rael’s is made from silver.



It is a medium sized locket with a Daisy or Lilly on the front. Mine is made from small silver and gold squares with the flowers dyed on there somehow. It used to have a picture of my family in it, but I tore it up and burnt it. Now it’s just an empty locket with nothing inside of it. I am saving the spot for when I have a family of my own, I guess. But that’s so far off it might stay empty for a long, long time now. Maybe for the rest of my life. It’s pretty to look at, and I’m not even sure where my parents got it from. It keeps me in the knowledge of who I am, my lineage and that I carry the blood of the family that hates me; a Shaw. True, they are ignorant bastards most of the time, but I cannot help nor deny what blood flows through my veins. Without my identity I am nothing. Noone would know me. Not L.C, not Ant, not May. Not even myself. In all honesty, I don’t think I know myself anyway.

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Avenged Sevenfold- Seize the Day
--------------------------------------------
FACE THE FINALEE

My brother emailed me something really dodgy just before I left to May’s house. Apparently some of the people who suffered because of me have designed and filled in a jail request form. Rael said he only got his guys to re-direct it because he wanted to get me himself. To be honest I don’t know which is worst, being requested to go to jail or having my brother track me down. I don’t want either thank you! Anyway, since it was ‘lost’ in the post, I guess I have to settle with being hunted by my own brother. Oh life, you’re so cruel to me.

[/FONT]

---

ARREST REQUEST
From: The people of San Francisco
Subject: Jail permission
Topic:

Shaw, Ashley Sylvester

Age: 17
Height: 5'9
Weight: 210
Eye colour: Green/Hazel
Hair colour: Black
Crime: Mass Murder/ Man Slaughter
DOB: (day, month, year) 5/3/1994
Race: White Meta-human
Occupation: Hammel Student

Request of the arrest and jail of Ashley Shaw has been seen as a positive move for 70% of the people of San Francisco. Events which took place at James Denman Middle School four years ago were caused directly because of his actions. From students who survived, they all suspected he did so in knowledge of just what he was doing. While we understand the importance of peace, we believe that five years at Hammel will not make up for any of the deaths of that day (20). While the excuse being thrown around is that it was an accident, 85% of San Francisco citizens believe that the excuse of accident is invalid where life is lost. While Shaw's time spent at the Hammel Institute will train him, it will not be an experience to change his attitude, and we people of San Francisco believe his time their barely counts as enough to wipe the slate clean. We request that Shaw face a trial under the watch of the supreme court, accounting for all deaths, injuries, and the one child whose life will be spent on a life support due to his intolerable actions.



Regards, The people of San Francisco

---

Well, I guess having my brother after me isn't that bad after all. Well, I don't exactly want to get shot in the head. That would destroy Ant. He's always calling me 'babe' or 'boyfriend'. Jeez that guy doesn't quit. Anyways, I best be getting on. I don't have time for this shit. Anyway, the next entry will be an UPDATE on everything that has happened inside Hammel since the last friend update. I'll just say this.... AWKWARD.

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Kysouke Hiromu feat Gerard Way- Safe and Sound
--------------------------------------------
CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER

While the song does not relate to the title, the title does relate to what has been going on for the past while. For the first time in a few days I’ll be updating my buddies list. Yeah sure, I only met one knew person, but my god have relationships changed in the past few hours. It’s so weird. I feel a little different, the voice is screaming at me so loud, but I keep on smiling. Something must be wrong with me, seriously. So, here is the update of my friends list, yep, they keep getting longer descriptions as I get to know them even better that before.

GUYS

Antosha ‘Ant’ Vikenti- Yeah, so we all know this guy. Witty, tall, and very, very flirtatious if you happen to be a guy. He is an amazing guy, and does whatever he can to help a friend. He is also very protective over his best friend ‘lil sister’, Mayu. He loves tattoos and he got me into some awkward social positions in the past, and he’s got me in yet another one. He has called me ‘babe’ and ‘boyfriend’ so many times it is unbelievable, and has picked me up before. The bugger has just realised our height difference, and is starting to exercise that.

Oberon Sparks- Not much has changed with him. He’s still tall, an accountant and hilariously tall. He is also very awkward to be around if you are a student with no timetable, but hey, we might just get along eventually. He also told me he went to Hammel when he was younger.

GALS

Mia Keystone- This maniac is in my history class, but I bumped into her in the student lounge. She’s a major hacker and virus programmer, and she is one feisty devil. She tried to charge me for an essay, but I think I can do just fine. I don’t ever want to get on her bad side, shit gets wrecked when she gives you a virus. She is kinda scary, but also a little weird… a laptop named Kaylee… that’s perfectly normal

Exie ‘Pexie’ Yates- She is the same as last time, socially perfect with a lifestyle which banishes any kind of relaxation. Jeez, where would I be without that? Anyway, I hope she gets to mingle with other teenagers, it would be good for her. Hopefully I’ll see her around.

Mayu ‘May’ Yoshiko- This is where things get… complicated. God, where do I start? Let’s just say this is the socially awkward position that Ant got me in. Right, I got May a ring for her birthday, and boy did Ant suggest the most awkward thing ever. He said I could only give her the ring if I… if I went on a date with her. One, Ant never lets ANY guy touch his sister, and two… just… how am I supposed to do that? It took me a long time thinking that night if I should give her the ring, and eventually I realised I was in denial. Yes, dear diary, I think I know I am in love with Mayu Yoshiko. I can’t explain this feeling, it’s so… weird, it’s so right yet damn it all to hell. She is just so beautiful, she is sweet and kind and, urgh, I could go on. I’d do anything for her. All I want is for her to be happy, now. I don‘t deserve her.

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: You Me At Six- Stay With Me
--------------------------------------------
HAPPIEST. DAY. EVAH ^^

So, yeah, I really have no idea what to write but I have to write something!! I’m just so happy, I swear I could move the sun! I guess I better star explaining ^^ Long story short, May agreed to go out with me!! I can’t believe it, it’s… it’s like something out of my dreams, out of Eden! I can’t believe she said yes to a guy like me. She’s so gentle(ish), kind, sweet, pretty and ever so easy to talk to. And then there’s me. Scruffy, lazy, round-the-bend, daredevil me. Hmm. What an odd mix. Who am I to complain! I might just be the happiest guy on the Earth right now. I’ll tell you just how happy. I’m writing this while hugging Rossi. Yep, for the first time in four years I’m not hugging my little teddy not in fear or in depression, but in joy. I think I’m so happy I’ve got a shock line in my hair. You know, when the roots go white, and when they grow out there is just this ring of white. Guys don’t usually get it. It’s called a shook line for a reason, cough*stillbirth*cough.
You don’t want me to blabber on, do you diary? No? Well guess what! I don’t care anymore ^^
May’s my princess and I’m her prince and this is turning into a real life fairytale! If so… what the hell is Ant? Is he, like… the stead or that bartender guy or what? Well, he can just stay May’s best friend and brother. I’m so glad he didn’t turn straight, because one, he still makes things awkward, and two, I have May! I don’t have to worry about not being able to ask her in time, in fact, why am I worrying! I just want to hold her and never let go, to take her around the world and show her everything the world has. If I screamed right now I could probably destroy this entire house ^^ but, why’d I want to do that? If I did then May’s Christmas would be ruined, and that’s a no-go! I want to make sure she’s happy at Christmas, I’m sure as hell I will be!

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Static-X- Not Meant For Me
--------------------------------------------
CLOUDS FOR SILVER LINING

Nightmare Disorder is a sleep disorder categorized by frequent nightmares. The nightmares, which often portray the individual in a situation that jeopardizes their life or personal safety, usually occur during the second half of the sleeping process, called the REM stage. Though such nightmares occur within many people, those with Nightmare Disorder experience them with a greater frequency.

Nightmare Disorder can be caused by extreme stress or anxiety if no mental disorder is discovered. The death of a loved one or a stressful event can be enough to cause Nightmare Disorder, but mental conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder and other psychiatric disorders have been known to cause nightmares as well.

---

Anxiety. Stress. Fear. Fear? What was he afraid of? Himself? His mind? Mental state? All he knew was that this was no dream. The worlds colour bled into each other, fizzing the image in bad sight. Voices were quiet and echoing, he couldn’t see straight.
Calling. From where? From the right? The left? Heaven, Hell? Where was he? The Courtyard?
He felt weak, drained of all strength, his heart pounding in his head like the drums of a devilish marching band. He was shaking badly, like he had dived into the Baikal Lake in midwinter.

He couldn’t stand for much longer, and collapsed onto his hands and knees, the world spinning in all directions. The grass was like ice and damp, bright and so unclear, rustling, then melting away in a high speed wind, screaming like the desperate cries of infants in the night. The sky above changed from midday to midnight and back again, over and over, the ground shook and cracked, flames burst out from the pressure beneath the surface. Illuminating the vision rose red and orange like the sky of a sunset. Screams turn into wails, which merge into a single ear-splitting frequency, like a steam kettle boiling in the pits of hell. Satan smiled an inhuman grin.

Something grabbed his ankle, digging into the fatless flesh, breaking bone and digging into marrow. He looked back, eyes in shock at a half decayed corpse with a dislodged jaw, hanging from a piece of white broken bone and a thin strip of muscle, skin peeled away from its form like an oranges’ skin, stripped away to reveal bone, pale yellow cartilage and muscle. A work of art by a grotesque demon. He was to petrified to call out as more decaying hands reached out from the ground behind him - missing fingers, no flesh, covered in dirt, removed nails, boiling in salt or covered in days old blood - grabbing his clothes and pulling him back. The noises got louder, screams and cries defining, he was fit to cry out…
Then silence.
Unbreakable, unending silence. Like the very vacuum of space. There was an immense pressure on his chest, his lungs burned and he couldn’t breath, it was like being strangled by a hangman’s noose, constricting harshly around his torso.

The vacuum turned to water, the tightening force around his chest took a physical form, another pressing sensation on the back of his neck, just bellow his skull, two evident pressure points like fangs about the break the skin. Brown and tan, gun gray. Coils and coils of scales pulsed and danced, the immense, bizarre feeling of muscles rippling covered his body;
Snakes.
Two huge, hissing snakes.
One was a constrictor, pulling tighter, squeezing relentlessly on his ribcage, almost cracking bones. The audible creak of them followed by pain. Sharp, heavy, throbbing pain. The head of the boa was at the top of his neck, another’s tongue almost touching his face, gray scales shinned in the ripples of the freezing water, like a prison around the chains that hissed at him. His heart was pounding faster and faster, threatening to burst out from his chest, his blood boiling, unable to think, yet knowing he had to get free, swim to the surface and breathe.
He was drowning.
Deep black eyes flashed with malevolence, its body’s size much larger than that of its species. He could tell by the colour of its mouth as it hissed just what kind of snake this was. He tried to wriggled out of the boa’s grip, much more concerned about the Black Mamba posed to strike, a hiss rising from its open jaws. The more he struggled, the tighter the Boa bound him, his arms forced tightly behind his back, fixed fangs digging into the flesh on his neck. He opened his mouth to call out, air rising from his lungs, and all at once the snakes began to strike and constrict, bones snapped and veins burst, colouring his skin black. The Black Mamba struck out at his throat, tearing it apart with quick strikes, the boa snapping his neck, and a blinding white light evolved the scene.

The weight was gone, the water, the freezing sub-zero temperatures. It was all replaced with Hell. Flames towering further than his eyes could see, the heat unbearable. It didn‘t matter. The heat, the stress. It all narrowed down to one shriek.
“Ashley!”
His head snapped up, the voice so painfully recognisable that he refused to believe it. No way, impossible. His blood froze and he could feel rage building up inside like steam of Reactor 4. Whoever was in control of this nightmare had to die!
Mayu Yoshiko stood bound in chains, in a tattered white dress, a demon so foul gazed and smiled with a tilted head and skinless muscles, the heat melting his bones and his blood bubbled in the heat. He recognised the face, and with its one wicked cry he realised.
“Amon!” he screamed across the canyon of fire, tugging forward. He was cut off. He was bound. To wood by metal. Like Jesus to a cross, on a pinnacle overhanging a bright abyss. But no Messiah he was, and to him would no Messiah come.
The demon was Amon. Wrath. The voice that plagued him, his inner beast.

His sin.

Amon raised a fist above May’s head, the girl struggled against the binds and the heat, her eyes making contact with Ashley’s. His heart stopped and froze, the world slowed down, yet it went so quick he doubt she could hear his final words to her.

I love you,

Within seconds the demon and pounded her to the ground, ripping a hole through her chest and pulling out her still beating heart. Then he turned to Ashley, and ripped out his too.

---

He woke up screaming her name, a hand over his heart as he bolted upright, covered in cold sweat, his chest heaving as he breathed heavily. He shook in fright, he was so terrified. He gazed out of the window in an attempt calm himself down. This had to stop, it was becoming to much. He was becoming enable to sleep, to afraid to face another night of agony.
“It was just… a dream,” he assured himself, shutting his eyes, opening them again as he heard his dearest scream in anguish again. He had to look to his side to make sure she was Ok. To make sure she was safe and sound; alive.
Sooner or later she would find out, and things would have to change. Organisation. The stand off he never wanted with the one person he refused to set eye upon ever again.

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: My Chemical Romance- Cancer
--------------------------------------------
FETCH ME THAT FUCKING RAZOR BLADE

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! You’ve no idea how much I want to DIE right now! Remember May? The girl I’ve been going out with for one day? Well guess what? I just CHEATED ON HER! With her best friend! Yeah, I was drunk. Yeah, I couldn’t think straight but why didn’t I see it coming? I’m getting manically depressed, my nightmares are getting worse, and I’ve just ripped somebody’s heart apart. It’s making me SUICIDAL. I don’t want her to be with someone like me if I go against my own sexuality with another guy! Jeez, what the actual fuck was going through my mind. Now I have a hang-over and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look May in the eyes ever again. All my little dreams mean nothing to me anymore!

Why hasn’t anybody stepped up to help me? Hammel KNOWS I’m suicidal and depressed. They KNOW I can’t sleep at night and yet their over the kid who almost killed people. What the fuck do I get?! They KNEW this would happen to me! They knew and they still did it!
If there is one thing I realise now, it’s that THEY are the reason why I’m so messed up! I share Antosha’s hate. Fuck the world! And fuck the system! I just want to get this all out!
Why doesn’t anyone get it? Why do they just tell me to chill out or calm down? I’m fucking sick! Sick with depression!
I’ve already got scars on my arms again, cause I just can’t be bothered with this shitty life any more! Can't some body just kill me already!

[Ashley Shaw]

Ipod: Trans-Siberian Orchestra- Carol Of The Bells
--------------------------------------------
DOWN TO A T

The Christmas season is over and the nightmare is too… well, the nightmare when I was awake anyway.
May doesn’t seem to know anything, so that’s all good. I’m also very please with this Christmas as well, but maybe that was because for the first time in three years I actually have somewhere to go, and maybe even somewhere to stay for a while, so that’s all good. I may be giving back the key to the dorm, and then leave a note in it telling the next poor soul who goes to live there will be aware of its heating problems!

Anyway, my life seems to be getting on track slowly, I met a whole new bunch of people, not all of them were exceptionally nice. Some of them were strange, but I guess I can put aside the doubts. Now, I don’t know where to take myself, I feel like I’m due a little love. I know that may seem crazy for a guy who’s just got a girlfriend to say, but I’m looking for a little more, I think I’m pushing it, but as long as I know when and where the boundaries are, I’ll be fine. I haven’t added to my journal for ages, it seems so long, and yet slightly necessary. I’m coming to terms with a few things very slowly, and I believe I’m getting my relationship back together with -yes- the girl I totally blew it with (quote- The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy).

I’m going to just lay here and go to sleep, I’m knackered. I could crash here and sleep in my clothes for the rest of the day. I’ve been getting my energy sapped by using my ability to power a TV -unplugged- just for the hell of it. Now I can’t move my right leg. Great. Well done you complete spastic, now deal with the fruits of your labour!

Gosh I sounded like a completed idiot. Ah well, I think I’m about to pass out -crashes-