Why the Caged Bird Sings

[Roselyn Veeder]

I can feel a phoenix inside of me...

August 20th 2005

Morning for Rose began like any other, she rolled over on her side of the bed towards her husbands as she felt his weight shifting the mattress, the final signal that he was putting his shoes on and soon to be out the door. But this morning he was in a hurry, she opened up her eyes to see him rushing to lace up his shoes and get his tie in order as he stood up. He smiled at her as he looked down, she tried to reciprocate weakly. "Morning." he said in a hushed tone as if he didn't really want to wake her. He bent down to give her a quick kiss on the cheek, holding his tie against him before finally gathering his things on the night stand, grabbing all in hand and pushing them down in his pockets with just a slight struggle.

Rose was awake, as much as she could be. She felt like she was in a dream, like in a sequence that she just couldn't break. They have had trouble in their marriage, sure, but Rose was sure they would work it out. It wasn't anything that James had done per say, but there was just so much stress on them these days it was hard to be spontaneous. Intimacy was so hard for her because over the past two years she had obsessed with it, scheduling when they could be 'active' and when they would have to refrain from certain activities. She didn't want to be a bedroom Nazi but her body was failing to cooperate and right now she wasn't dealing with it very well emotionally. What was the point in even trying when you so desperately wanted a child... and knowing that people were tossing them out one abortion after another in this great country they lived in?

She waited til she heard the car start up and slip down the drive way til it faded in the distance. She had to get up, sure she didn't have school today but she still had to study. James had encouraged her to quit her job at a small burger joint she had worked at and apply herself fully to her studies. She had busted her tail to get into medical school and now, with much hard work (and it becoming somewhat of an escape) it seemed there was almost light at the end of the tunnel. But first, first she would pick up around the house and try to collect herself. She felt less human these days and when she was learning, studying, or volunteering it was when she felt the most alive.

She went down stairs and clicked the on switch on the coffee pot. James loved coffee and considering the pot was empty and untouched since she got it ready for him last night meant he must have over slept, quiet a bit. She stood there for a bit, rubbing her eyes and looking out the window above the sink to the small back yard they had. All fenced in, a nice place for kids.. or dogs with the way things were going right now.

After the steady stream became a drip and the drip finally stopped she poured a cup. She usually put cream in it but this morning she drank it black, the half cup that she drank. She gave a sigh as she set the red over-sized coffee cup down on the counter. What time did James get in last night? He said he had to stay late, something about paperwork on a client he needed to go over. Rose knew medical, she didn't really need to try to understand his side of life, it was a bit above her and besides with all the things she had going on when she did learn something that little bit of brain space was wiped clean and replaced with something essential.

She picked up her feet lazily as she groaned in protest and followed James' trial to the bedroom. Tie was on the back of the couch, his small briefcase was next to the wall going down the hall. She went into the bedroom and began picking up his clothes, grabbing his socks right next to the bed when something caught her eye. If the screen hadn't been lit up blue on his cell phone perhaps it would have went unnoticed all day. Rose didn't think of anything bad, she acted out of curiosity rather than accusations. What if it was something important? Or the office calling? She could tell him that he was on his way.

She closed her fingers around it and pulled it from it's hiding place. But there wasn't a call at all, it said new message on the blue screen when she flipped it up. She hit the button to bring it up and at that moment it seemed like something grim had taken hold of her life and just shaken it.

I know it's only been a couple of hours but I miss you. I love you and can't wait to see you in the morning. -S.K.

Her heart skipped a beat after a long pause. Who was SK? There must have been some mistake! Logic told her otherwise but truth was ugly and it was hard to face it. She was always the kind of person to want cold hard facts. She started navigating her way around on his phone until she got to his old messages.

I know they may find out but I don't care anymore. I want to be with you James.

She started flipping back and forth between texts and the more she read the more it was hard to deny what was in black and white. Rose was mad, sure, but right now she was afraid. It seemed like a ball of lightning was gathering up inside of her. She was breathing hard, trembling. She wanted to smash the phone into pieces but that would only hurt her. So instead she went to the closet to hide it away with her winter sweaters. She moved almost as if in some sort of trance, her adrenaline kicking in and letting her body act when her mind refused to grieve at the moment.

As she turned to step back into the bedroom her wedding dress brushed against her arm, the plastic making a soft rustle as if it were beckoning to her, pleading for forgiveness and mercy. That didn't matter to Rose right now, she wanted to destroy James Elliott now more than anything in her life. She acted out in rage, grabbing the sequined garment and ripping it hanger and all off of the rod with a deep roar. She felt the adrenaline pumping inside of her, her eyes almost blind but her body wanting to fight. She started grabbing all of James fine suits, slinging them all over the bed room. Anything of his that was in the closet now covered the floor and furniture.

She hadn't noticed the noises that she had started to make until she got down to the last pair of shoes. Her breathing was nothing short of savage and even now somewhere deep down inside of herself she tried to talk herself into being rational, not to do anything stupid that would mess up the rest of her life. So with trembling legs she made her way back down to the hall, picking up the phone in the kitchen. She dialed the number without any thought and in just a matter of seconds her mothers voice was on the other line. "Hello," the woman said in a gentle tone, which only seemed to stir the beast inside of her right now.

Rose couldn't hold it back in her voice she was half crying and perhaps half laughing. She couldn't control the variety of emotions she felt right now "Mama," she started realizing how much she sounded like a child now. "What's wrong Rose?", her mom asked in an alarmed tone, "Are you all right?" Rose was standing there shaking her head and trying to gather herself. "No" she squeaked out as she tried to wipe tears off of her face and catch her breath. Her mom's voice slipped into a panic and she began asking what was wrong. "It's James, mama. He's been having an affair." The line fell silent and she was stuck there wondering what was going on in her mothers head. "I found his phone this morning... He was supposed to have been with a client last night but he was with her." "Her who?" her mother asked so calmly. She didn't seemed upset like Rose had anticipated. She wanted someone to understand, someone to back her up. "I don't know! SK! That's what he has her listed as in his phone." her voice was definitely elevated. Rose didn't need exact specifics, she had all the general information that she needed, too much for her to forget.

"Have you prayed about it?" her mother asked in a mellow tone. "What?" Rose asked in disbelief, as if this were something that could be fixed that simply. "Have you prayed to God about it? Rose you all can get through this. I'll have your father drive up there after church tomorrow." "NO MAMA," Rose spat out. She didn't want her father up there sitting them down like children. She didn't want her father to know that James had humiliated her, that he had picked another woman over her and that she wasn't good enough. "Honey, you are going to have to talk this over but you need to center your relationship around God and forgive him." her mothers words were like poison and it tasted bitter in her mouth. She clenched her jaw tightly, "I've got to go." she said in a forced growl. She could hear her mother calling her name, saying not to do anything stupid as she clicked the button on the receiver and left it sitting off the hook on the counter.

She paced just a bit, looking outside to the porch. She had just bought James a grill for their anniversary and now that bright red shining piece of shit seemed to be staring her in the face like a big scarlet A. Sure maybe she was over reacting but given all the burdens she was carrying right now her load was too heavy to keep her sanity. She had no one to confide in and at this moment she just snapped.

She slid open the door and stepped out onto their small patio. She pulled at the bulking beast and on the stone it gave a groan of protest at first before she jerked it off into the grass. She drug that stupid thing to the drive way, slinging back the lid and using her foot and arm as leverage to bend it back to make another compartment. She went through the front door and started towards the bedroom. On the tables in the living room and on the walls were pictures of them hugged up on one another smiling brightly. She grabbed them all, making sure to circle the whole house before slinging them on the pavement next to the grill.

She went back into the house and into the bedroom where she wildly started grabbing up clothes. She carried three arm fulls, slinging them down in the grass. She would find out who this SK was and as she ran into his brief case on that last go round she had a revelation. She tossed the clothes out but quickly returned to pick up that shiny black box of promising secrets. She fiddled with the lock, trying to pry the thing open with a butter knife for the longest time. When that didn't work she took bone cutters and started stabbing it at the end towards her. It took a bit but she cut it open enough to grab the papers out of there. I guess the goal of the lock was to keep honest people honest.

She dug through his papers scanning one name after another with nothing coming up that seemed to fit. She shook the suitcase empty and there on the floor fell pictures of a blond headed woman, about half a dozen of her in see through lingerie. She noticed writing on the back of one and pushed the other pictures away digging for some kind of indication of who it was. Red lipstick made a faded kiss mark then in pen was wrote XOXO Steph. A few business cards littered the floor and after hunting through about three she found her, Stephanie Keane, a woman who worked for the same law firm. Her picture looked different on her business card, but most people do when they have clothes on. She gathered up all the photos and took that and the card back down the hall. The closet was too obvious so she stored it away in the bathroom behind the towels.

She raced back into the kitchen swinging open the cabinets wildly looking for a lighter. A dark bottle caught her eye and she reopened it, picking up that bottle of Bourbon. Everything seemed to work like clockwork cause the drawer above it held what she was looking for. She tucked the bottle under her arm and marched outside, a woman with a hell of a purpose. She started piling James clothes in the metal monster, opening the bottle and taking a swig before pouring it on everything.. for good measure. She struck a match and tossed it in, a bit disappointed when it seemed to just bounce down to the bottom and burn out. But just when she was getting ready to strike another one a little flame popped up to life, black smoke flickering lightly above it's head.

She smiled, taking another drink before dragging a lawn chair and a golf club out of their small garage that was now occupied by her car. She sat down, poking at the fire every few minutes to make sure it was still going. She would feed it clothes, pictures, frames, ties, whatever she grabbed in her hand fulls as she feed it but made sure not to smoother it out. It seemed like time passed so quickly, she was down to near nothing when James pulled up into the driveway, stopping short of her. She was lounged back in her tank top and shorts she had slept in all night laughing and raising the almost empty bottle as if toasting him.

He quickly got out of the vehicle alarm and panic covering his face. "ROSE?!?" he yelled out quickly, was it a question, answer? She wasn't sure. All she knew was she didn't give a damn and she was taking him down with her. "JAMES!!!" She called out as loudly as she could. "Look, you need to stop this!" he said as he tried to approach her but she swung at him. Her aim wasn't the best but the force she used showed she wasn't messing around. She hit the grill and it seemed to cry out with a clank. Her mind was filled with nothing but venomous thoughts. She probably wasn't being tactful now but she didn't want to be. "You're not my daddy." she spat back at him, raising the bottle up towards her lips but pausing as if she had something she just couldn't resist saying. "Wait, who's time are you on right now, mine or Stephanie's?" He grew pale and you could tell that all signs of life slipped through him out the tip of his toes.

"How?" he started and followed weakly with "Rose I can explain!" He made a desperate grab at her and this time she made contact with the club. It sounded much duller than she had imagined. "Don't you dare touch me." she said as she tried to stand up, dropping the bottle at her feet which broke into pieces. If she had had more grace or strength she would have kept swinging. But instead all she could do was bluff, club held tightly in both hands. "Rose, I swear, I'll never.. never again!" Her lip snarled up in disgust in response. "Look, we'll go through counseling, I'll stick with it." He grabbed at his hair desperately as if trying to pull some thought out of his head to make things all better for them.

"I don't want counseling." Rose said plainly, as if this was the one thing she was absolutely sure of. "I want a divorce." She said the last part a bit too quick and to the point. She heard James start saying no,no, no but her mind was made up. She turned around, using all she had in her to get up the steps. She stopped to face James again, pointing at the grill which was slowly consuming the last bit of clothes and accessories she had been piling up on both sides of it. "I took care of your fucking clothes today but that suit," she looked at the gray jacket that was half burnt and laughed a bit "You may need to take that one to the dry cleaners."

And just like that Rose stepped into her house, locked the dead bolt and chain on her door and slumped down on the couch. She tried to listen to see if James' car would start up but the alcohol was taking it's effect on her. Her eyes wanted to close so badly. She didn't hear the engine purr to life but she saw the headlights as the drifted across the window as he backed out and headed down the street. She shifted her weight, pulling her feet up on the couch, only now noticing how badly they were cut. Dawn would begin a new day and perhaps the demon would be a bit more tame....