Let it always be known that I was who I am

[Annabelle Coronova]

[take me to the rambling man],
on [march thirty-first]

dear journal,

What am I going to do with myself? No, really? Mum says I'd be an excellent lawyer, or policeman, etc. Some governmental service because of what I can now do. I'd be able to tell if someone was lying sure, but what benefit is that to me? Honestly, I don't care about it one bit. That sounds selfish. Possibly because it is, but then again, aren't I allowed to be selfish with myself? Its my life. Le sigh.

"What about art?," I ask her. She smiles sweetly at me and then turns away. Mum knows I won't make a lot of money off of an art degree, plus the chances of finding an actual day job would be even further minute. But what if that's the one thing I truly love? Whether its painting, dancing, or making music, its what makes me happy, no matter what previous mood I was in. It takes a lot of work too, despite how much those science kids and al the other smarty pants laugh and scoff at the idea. They just can't think the way I can. And as my mother is a business oriented, I can't really see her doing that either. Oh, what am I going to do? I want to make them proud, but more importantly (or at least that's where my mind is set now) I want to be happy myself. With all this junk racing through my head about other people's lives when I touch them and stuff, what if there's someone who's absolutely vile? I don't want to see what a rapist or a serial killer has done. I'd be sleepless for nights, and I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything. Plus I'd probably get paranoid. Is that what my mother wants for me? Is that what my whole family, what this world wants for me? Surely there's gotta be an better answer.

When I touch those mandolin strings, or pick up a paintbrush, I don't warp into a different dimension, I just breathe in and out, and go about my escapism. I try desperately to escape from this altered world I now live with. Why would I possibly want to spend my life engrossed in something I'd be happier living without?


bon nuit,

[Bells]

[Annabelle Coronova]

[take me to the rambling man],
on [may seventeenth]

dear journal,

The world is my canvas, I have decided. My romance is found in the swaying of trees, in the chirping birds, in the fresh smell of oils on canvas, of the tiny particles of charcoal dust that I have to gently blow off of my canvas in fear a smear. What am I saying, I'm finding love in the most interesting of places, perhaps because my interests have been elevated for some reason. Some person perhaps, but I fear letting on to whom I'm talking about, in case some gets ahold of this journal. I don't need my secret spewed out to the entire world, no thank you. Not like I haven't been obvious enough with my behaviors, but if no one has noticed even this person, I will not complain, nor will I try to pry into their lives forcing them to understand who. That whole gossip thing is not my cup of tea.

Speaking of tea, my lovely family sent me six containers of tea bags, 30-50 count each! It is the most splendid of surprises, and one very much loved. I am indeed a tea fiend, and now with my Blueberry, Blackberry Green, Toasted Rice, Irish Breakfast, Red Currant, and Organic Peppermint tea flavors, I can make a cup for any mood or reason. Perhaps I shall invite my friends to a real tea party, all I need are a few more tacky mugs and everything is a go.

Life is wonderful, and it almost gets me in the mood to train harder, something that's been pushed and prodded towards me for quite some time now. I am getting used to the environment and everything here, which could be a good thing, but maybe I'm too familiar. I don't want to train, its annoying and exhausting. Really and honestly, I don't want to probe into everyone's mind and history and secrets. Its not my sort of thing. I'd rather we all just keep to ourselves. Then again, my chances are pretty much shot with you-know-who if I don't at least try. I could try for him then, I suppose, as corny and cliche as that sounds. Ugh, I am making myself sick with all of these allusions to amore. This means I should stop writing, brew a cup of tea, and continue with my projects.

until next time,

[Bells]

[Annabelle Coronova]

[take me to the rambling man],
on [june seventh]

dear journal,


You know, I'm really bad at this. I rarely write at all in here, and I'm surprised the pages haven't started to yellow. Once a month to jot down my feelings. Perhaps people would say its because I'm such a tart or because I'm using all my emotions as creative juices in my artwork.

Anywho, this isn't why I actually tried to write today. Its because I think I've actually gotten to a point where I'm willing to try. I'm going to take the gloves off, stick them in my back pocket, and attempt to train. I mean, I don't know who could help me, or how they could help me, as I've been pretty much a loner and skidding around any form of training, but I think I want to shake someone's hand and feel their skin again. Plus its really hurt my love life, as I'm pretty much an untouchable. Like that'd be a concern...

But, yeah. That's about it. I'm no good at these journal things. I'm just gonna do it. I'm actually going to go down there now, and write about it in this journal afterwards just to prove I actually did it. So there.

Yeah.

you just wait,

[Bells]

[Annabelle Coronova]

[take me to the rambling man],
on [june tenth]

dear journal,


Just so you know, I've gone. We're working on training, so don't even ask about that. I'm working on figuring out how to touch people. That actually sounds like a really awkward sentence if not given information beforehand. Luckily journal, you know all, so everything can be taken in only the right way with you.

So about this whole breaking open the shell sort of thing I'm supposed to not know anything about, well I'm working on that too. I feel, I don't know how to describe it. I just feel different. I feel like, "hey, I'm confident enough about myself to not really care what you guys think of me". Its actually working quite well for me. It certainly hasn't caused more people to think I'm the most gorgeous human that's walked on this earth, nor has it gained me more friends, but its helped the most important person in this relationship, myself. I'm starting to believe that this confidence thing that they talk about could actually be true, so long as it doesn't get out of hand. Perhaps it all started with this initiation to train, its like male testosterone to me (although they have both testosterone and confidence, which is over-doing it altogether, in my opinion). As long as I can handle the bit of self-assurance that all is well, then I should stay in the happy boat. Who knows if this will actually help me in the long run with forming lasting friendships and whatnot, but we'll deal with that issue when it comes to part.

As for now, I've got to run to that new frozen yogurt stand down the street. Old building and architecture meets new storefront ideas. Exciting for me! Oh, and not to mention yummy too. Strawberry milkshake, here we come!

have a nice day,

[Bells]

[Annabelle Coronova]

[take me to the rambling man],
on [june fourteenth]

dear journal,


Spurned. Spurned, burned, scorched. Spited, scorned, brushed-off, snubbed, dismissed, kicked in the teeth.

You don't have to tell me twice. Hell, you don't even have to tell me at all! Just like I found out through the grapevine, and trust me, my grapevine is healthy and very reliable. You're just the sick one. Sure, lead me on, just to find out that perhaps you like to do that with three or more girls at a time. It still hurts, you know? I can't believe I've put all of effort into you, all of this effort I'd otherwise never show or attempt on anyone. But for some reason, I was under the impression that you were different.

NOPE.

everything's gone to shit,

[youknowwho]

[Annabelle Coronova]

[take me to the rambling man],
on [june twenty-fourth]

dear journal,


Well...that was odd.

Today marks the day of graduation for a handful of students, one that I'll -thankfully- never have to think about again, and that iron spike moody girl I wish I knew more about and...well I would only suppose this boy who was randomly talking to me as I sat near the pond and looked at the koi this afternoon. He has already graduated, I suppose, I mean, I skipped the ceremony and everything, huddled away into the far depths of my favorite cafe down the street. But it was so... odd. Mind you, I've never talked to him before, and heard about him only through the mouths of other people spreading nasty gossip in art class among others, but he just talked to me, sat down on the bench next to me and just talked. Perhaps he was looking for some consolation, especially with what he was saying. I'll just paraphrase it here:

There he was, sitting and talking, talking about how its been a long time coming at Hammel, that he decided to smarten up, and finally get out of here. He mentioned some things about the 'far too cold' temperatures, and how he'd look forward to getting back home. At that point, I casually looked up at him, at that time to see if he was indeed talking to me, a stranger. He continued talking in my direction, which confirmed my suspicion. He told me that he had to break up with his girlfriend, asking me if I knew an Adrianna, when I just stared at him, he shook his head and continued, saying that he'd really miss her, but prayed that she'd excel at Hammel.

At that, I continued to look down at the pond, wondering why he would possibly be talking to me, and he paused too, perhaps wondering the same thing. But he still continued on, as if he needed to get that out to someone, to tell someone of his plans. So, like a good steward, I sat there and looked at the gaping mouths of the koi, listening for his continuation of the story.

He told me that he was leaving the country to go home, to his native land of Greece. He went in explaining how beautiful the place was and all that jazz. Then he told me of a bella, or as he said, it came out like "ómorfi̱", which when I looked up at him, he told me of a childhood friend and closer than that, even, although nothing could come of them because his family had decided to move to Miami for a better job pool. She had written him letters of the years, and he'd sent a few back, but after telling his grandma that he was coming back to find a place for himself to his island town in Greece, she told his lady-friend, and now they're to meet again. He kinda went off the deep end into fairytales and romance and all that squishy stuff and believe that they would fall hopelessly in love with each other and have meta babies, and all that craziness, as long as he help up a position as a fisherman with his uncles and grandfather and he would live his days out like that.

I kind of feel bad for this Adrianna girl, maybe I'll seek her out at school. Or not. I don't do those kinds of things. I'm sure I'll hear about her one way or another. I could try to reassure her that life will be alright, but then she might get all catty and wonder why I know anything about it and all that drama. So maybe I'll just smile apologetically in the hallways to her. Dunno.

But then, after he told me his story, he looked over at me. I mustered a weak smile, and then he just smiled back, teeth and all. He looked relieved, if anything. I guess he's one of those guys who needs to tell people about his life to survive. But I guess I was able to do him that service, staying in the right place at the right time. He patted my lap with one hand and got up, walking back to the school.

And now here I am, jotting this all down to you as he graduates and his plans are put into action. Its amazing how much you change, he actually seemed like a nice guy compared to some of the stuff I'd been hearing about him, but what do I say, don't judge a book by the cover.

I wish him well.

La tee da,

[bells]

[Annabelle Coronova]

LAUGHING HIPPOS

[/color]
JULY TWENTY-SIXTH

[/center]

dear book of secrets,[/SIZE][/color][/font]

[/s] person. Well its true about the nicer part. I'm beginning to take compliments, isn't that bizarre? Strange, yet true. I'm a turtle who isn't afraid to come out of the shell. My turtle skin needs a bit of sun, because as you know, everyone needs at least ten minutes of sunshine without being in fear of not getting enough vitamin d. Who knows the severities of that if you have an improper amount, but I can only imagine it would be bad.

See that hippo? It kind of reminds me of me. Why you ask? Does it have a deep significant purpose for representing me? Not really. I just like hippos. If I could, I would get myself a hippo tattoo on the full of my back. Or maybe this exact image on my chest. Or face.. well maybe not face. But I'm so jolly, just like that feller. Maybe when I smile real big I look like him too. I dunno, but a hippo is my spirit animal, I swear. Why am I telling you this? Because, secret journal of ultimate secrets, you are the first to know of anything. Everything. Prepare to brace yourself for more hipponess later on in my other posts. Time to be happy like hippos.[/SIZE]
[/ul][/FONT]
adios amigo ,[/color][/font]
count chocula...err me .[/color][/font]

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