Dear Diary

[Kaytee Palladino]

12/15/11
Dear diary,

Dad got diagnosed with cancer last month. I decided to sit down and write this so I had a "coping mechanism". I promised dad I would talk to someone, and this is who I'm talking to. Myself. I don't want to talk to people about this, I don't know if anyone could possibly understand what I'm going through. My mom died when I was born, my only family and my best friend is in a hospital half way across the state and I'm not there with him. How could anyone possibly understand this? Maybe I should talk to someone other than writing this all down, but its Christmas break and I don't have anyone to talk to. I have to go tell Reece that I will no longer be able to take lessons from him, and I haven't figured out if I'll tell him the whole reason or if I'll tell him that my dad lost a job or something.

My dad has Myelofibrosis, it's a form of Leukemia. He had to be rushed to the hospital from work because he started coughing up blood. He had been feeling pain in his calf bones and hips, but didn't think it anything. They had to perform surgery to remove tumors that had formed in his stomach and found that he had this cancer after doing a biopsy. I did research on it and it said that it was a pretty painful process and chemo is bad no matter what. It's killing me not to be there with him. Part of me wishes I didn't have this stupid power so I wasn't at this school and I was at home with him. He says he's so proud of me though, and I don't want to do anything but make him proud. He's all i have. I'm just so worried that I'll lose him.

Since his diagnosis, he lost his second job and his position as sherif has been put on hold because of being in the hospital. He says that some of his coworkers visit, but otherwise he is alone for most of the time. He reads plenty of books and watches tv. And we skype every once and a while. It will probably be much more often now that I'm on break. Because of his lack of money flow right now, he's barely able to pay the bills. The town raised some money for him, but not much. That's what sustaining our bills and house right now.

I won't tell him this, but I'm quitting all the clubs after break and getting a job. I have to. Then I'll be able to help with payments. I'm 18, it only makes sense that I take care of my dad while he's sick. Both my grandparents are dead on his side, my mom's parent's don't pay any attention to us, thinking it's my dad's fault that my mom died. He was also an only child, so I'm all he's got as well. I really need to be there, but there is no way I can go home. I also wish I could get him our here or something, but that's not possible.

I should probably tell someone. Maybe when I talk to Reece, I'll tell him the whole story. That would be good for me to talk to someone about it.

[Kaytee Palladino]

12/26/11
Dear Diary,

Well, I would say that this was the worst Christmas I've ever had. Not because I didn't get any presents or anything stupid like that, but because I was not with my Dad. We Skyped for quite a while on Christmas morning, and with all the students gone, internet was pretty fast. Not to mention I had zero interruptions, all my roommates went home. I told them I was, just going later than they were. It doesn't really matter what I told them, I just don't want a bunch of people trying to tell me they know how I feel when they can't possibly know. I have honestly never wanted to NOT tell someone before. It's the weirdest feeling, and I know I shouldn't feel that way. I should talk to someone, but I just can't bring myself to doing it.

Anyway, Dad wasn't having a good day to be honest. He tried so hard to look like he was feeling better, but I knew better. He excused himself a few times, and I could tell he had gotten sick from the chemo. I excused myself to "use the bathroom" only to cry my eyes out. I wanted to be there so bad. Dad had his quilt that I made him last year with him, so that made me feel a little better. He had a piece of me, but I still wished it had been actually me instead.

We sang some carols and talked about Christmas' in the past. We played a couple games and even watched a movie at the same time. It turned out to be a good time, better than I thought, but I would still call it the worst. And I'm sure my dad feels the same way. He hasn't spent a Christmas alone before, and neither have I. It was just rough. He asked me if I had talked to someone yet. I told him I had. I can't really be sure if I just lied to him though, because I'm sure this isn't exactly what he meant by talking to someone.

Well, diary, I'm going to watch some movies, and hopefully distract myself. I doubt it will work, but all I can do is try. One nice thing about being on campus when no one is home is the living room is wide open and I can just veg out in there all I want. Maybe I'll have a Lord of the Rings marathon or something. Who knows, but I hope it works in the distraction department.