Post by Jack McCarthy on Nov 24, 2013 15:08:55 GMT -5
-Attention everyone
Y’know recently after another rescue of a princess from a terrifying monster (Seventeenth that week…slow week) The question popped into my head: Why does this place suck so much?
I mean let’s not be glib here: Hammel is a weird ass place. I’ve lived in this hell hole for far longer then I care to admit, and in 99% of the people I’ve encountered have been psychos, evil, or just down right violent. Trust me, I’ve seen some messed up stuff (Oh the stories I could tell!) But what was it about Hammel that made it so craptactular?
,,,And then just like any problem. My super computer like brain managed to instantly come up with a solution. See it’s not your fault Hammel, you just don’t know any better, what you need is guidance, what you need is for someone to lead
and so being the oh so charitable man that I am, I’ve taken it apon myself to utilize my vast knowledge to help you, my adoring public by doing my level best to give a damn about your mundane problems, no..no please don’t thank me all at once, It might take you so some time but with my wisdom and sage like advice, you might just become…well not as awesome as me (Let’s not go insane!) But you might just become acceptably reformed freaks.
-Jack
Dear Jack, my girlfriend thinks I drink too much. Last week I wet our bed after a night out. I just like a few beer with my friends but she thinks I have a problem. Do I?
In short: No. As a medical expect…well I say medical expect I once had sex with a doctor so I’m totally qualified in saying, medically, there is no such thing as an alcoholic. Your girlfriend is just a square. But, maybe it’s the group you’re drinking with? If so, you should explain to them that you need to take some time off. Tell them that you have to spend some quality time with your girlfriend teaching her how to drink…and if that doesn’t work pee in all their faces
Dear Jack, I recently tracked down my long lost mother. But what should have been a joyful discovery was ruined by the fact that she has been living within walking distance of me for the last 19 years. To make matters worse, my adoptive parents and her have been having a bitter feud for as I remember. On top of this, she has a son. He’s really nice. Nothing’s happened between us but he asked me out last week and of course I turned him down because I’m not sure how closely we are related. He asked for a reason and I just couldn’t give him one. If I tell him we’re most likely brother and sister he’ll tell his mom (My birth mom) then she’ll tell my adoptive parents, they’ll get upset and it’ll all blow up in my face. I don’t want to break my possible brother’s heart. Please tell me what I should do?
Faces. Pee on them.
-----------------------------------
Have a problem? A cheating GF? Sex advice? Contact Jack and he'll do his level best to give a shit.
Y’know recently after another rescue of a princess from a terrifying monster (Seventeenth that week…slow week) The question popped into my head: Why does this place suck so much?
I mean let’s not be glib here: Hammel is a weird ass place. I’ve lived in this hell hole for far longer then I care to admit, and in 99% of the people I’ve encountered have been psychos, evil, or just down right violent. Trust me, I’ve seen some messed up stuff (Oh the stories I could tell!) But what was it about Hammel that made it so craptactular?
,,,And then just like any problem. My super computer like brain managed to instantly come up with a solution. See it’s not your fault Hammel, you just don’t know any better, what you need is guidance, what you need is for someone to lead
and so being the oh so charitable man that I am, I’ve taken it apon myself to utilize my vast knowledge to help you, my adoring public by doing my level best to give a damn about your mundane problems, no..no please don’t thank me all at once, It might take you so some time but with my wisdom and sage like advice, you might just become…well not as awesome as me (Let’s not go insane!) But you might just become acceptably reformed freaks.
-Jack
Dear Jack, my girlfriend thinks I drink too much. Last week I wet our bed after a night out. I just like a few beer with my friends but she thinks I have a problem. Do I?
In short: No. As a medical expect…well I say medical expect I once had sex with a doctor so I’m totally qualified in saying, medically, there is no such thing as an alcoholic. Your girlfriend is just a square. But, maybe it’s the group you’re drinking with? If so, you should explain to them that you need to take some time off. Tell them that you have to spend some quality time with your girlfriend teaching her how to drink…and if that doesn’t work pee in all their faces
Dear Jack, I recently tracked down my long lost mother. But what should have been a joyful discovery was ruined by the fact that she has been living within walking distance of me for the last 19 years. To make matters worse, my adoptive parents and her have been having a bitter feud for as I remember. On top of this, she has a son. He’s really nice. Nothing’s happened between us but he asked me out last week and of course I turned him down because I’m not sure how closely we are related. He asked for a reason and I just couldn’t give him one. If I tell him we’re most likely brother and sister he’ll tell his mom (My birth mom) then she’ll tell my adoptive parents, they’ll get upset and it’ll all blow up in my face. I don’t want to break my possible brother’s heart. Please tell me what I should do?
Faces. Pee on them.
-----------------------------------
Have a problem? A cheating GF? Sex advice? Contact Jack and he'll do his level best to give a shit.
