Panic Attack (Oriel) [Trigger]

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Phoenix still wasn't sure what to say. He didn't know where this was going, but he had a sinking feeling in his stomach as a small trickle of suspicion started to sink in. Gangs, relationships, money... There was something missing from the story that was important in early every kind of these experiences, and considering what the two of them had just gone through, even Phen was catching on.

It took a little bit longer, but soon enough, the point of the story became clear. Meth. Phoenix shuddered against Oriel's chest, squeezing his lover's hand and closing his eyes. How many people that he'd known had he seen fall down that same path? Hell, if he hadn't been picked up by Hammel when he had, he likely wouldn't have reached his late teens.

His own eyes grew moist as Oriel continued on, but he blinked it back, telling himself to hold it in and be strong. As Oriel wrapped his arm around him, Phoenix lifted his head, seeing his boyfriend staring out blankly, his cheek wet. Phen reached up and wiped at the droplet, then leaned in and pressed his lips softly against the damp skin. "That's awful, Oriel," he murmured, not sure of what else to say. His own voice choked up suddenly. "And n-now you just had to f-fuckin' keep me from doin' that to myself again..." It was no wonder this was such a sensitive subject for Oriel. He smothered his face into the crook of Oriel's neck, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. "I'm s-so sorry..." How many times had he apologized? He felt like he could never do it enough.

He wasn't sure if he should ask, but... He really wanted to know. "What... What happened to her?" he asked, his voice raspy.

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Yeah, there was a bit of suspense as he was telling the story, Oriel wasn't sure if he'd been doing it intentionally or just because he was trying to avoid the subject for as long as possible, but he could understand how it'd be difficult to see where this was going at first.

Oriel silently reflected on those times. After being exposed that time, he realized just how much he was surrounded by that stuff. He wondered what had happened to the people he sold that shit to. He looked around at the people he hung around all the time, noticing the behaviors between them that gave it away clear as day that they were on something. Some of the other people he crashed with were even worse off than Crystal had been, the places littered with evidence of things even more hard-core than amphetamines and other stimulants. Angel dust, dope, acid, coke…. Until it had attacked someone he had grown so close to, Oriel had completely ignored what was going on with the so-called "adults" surrounding him.

That's why he got out of there. He ran away. Oriel couldn't stand seeing it anymore and he forced himself to forget for a long time. He floated around for a while until he settled in another crowd on the lower east side of Manhattan. He was, strangely enough, a lot happier with these new kids, though they were probably not that much better. It was just a place where he could start over, distract himself and forget.

"What... What happened to her?"

He knew that question was coming. It would be strange not to. But he still didn't want to say it. Oriel was silent for a long while before he finally cleared his throat and said in a shaky voice, "She died…" That was to be expected. Oriel had abandoned her, left her in a hole she couldn't climb out of, and she paid the price for it. "Couple months later, went to see 'er again. Childish, naive curiosity, I guess. Found her…" He scrunched his eyes tight, letting a few more drops fall from his cheeks. "Found 'er curled up like a fucking skeleton in a corner." Her arms were riddled with sores and scabs that had been clawed at over and over. Her eyes had become two sunken sockets. She was like a living corpse. "Barely recognized me. I uh….I called a ambulance. Cops came. Took 'er to the hospital…took me back t' my fosters….'s the last time I saw 'er."

"S…started drinking a lot after that. Be surprised how easy a kid can get their hands on a pint o' whiskey." Oriel swallowed and took another breath. "I…I think that's pretty much it. Came t' Hammel not too long after." About four months or so later. He combed his fingers through Phen's hair. Now that he'd gotten it all out, he was starting to feel better.

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A lot of this was information that Phoenix gathered from the various hints and glimpses into Oriel's past that he'd gotten from being around his lover for several months, but it wasn't until now that Phen realized the whole picture. Well, he knew there was still a lot that he didn't know, but at least it painted a better, more detailed picture of the life that Oriel had lived. It wasn't pretty by any means, and Phoenix wished he could do something to help, to change the bad memories, but there was nothing he could do besides be there now and comfort Oriel as best he could.

Of course she had died.... Still, Phoenix cringed at this information, his heart thudding dully in his chest as he thought of the people he'd known that had gone missing or got sick or had 'moved on' to somewhere else. "That's rough..." he murmured sympathetically, only imagining the horror Oriel must have felt. He felt a sort of guilt for this girl Crystal, that he was fortunate enough to have someone that cared enough to get him away from his own inner demons while she hadn't been so lucky. What if it had been the other way? It was definitely something that would weigh on his mind.

He sighed and shifted against Oriel as he spoke again, this time about drinking. He'd never seen Oriel drunk that he was aware of, but it made sense - when you'd gone through so much and had no one to really turn to, substances were often the only thing you had to manage to get by. He knew this all too well. "You've had a hard life, Squishy," he said softly, slowly rubbing a hand up and down Oriel's chest. "I'm so, so glad I met you." He swallowed hard. "And... And I promise now, I'll... I'll let you know if I'm havin' a hard time, y'know, cravin' stuff... So you can help me..." He didn't want Oriel to have to worry about the same thing happening to Phoenix as had happened to Crystal.

Phen took a deep breath and finally pulled back, wiping the bleary wetness away from his eyes as he gazed up at Oriel. "Thank you for tellin' me all that," he told him, reaching up to caress his lover's cheek. "S-Someday, I'll have t'tell you some more of my stories, too..." He leaned in and kissed Oriel once more, a tender, loving gesture that he hoped communicated all of the feelings that he couldn't get out verbally. "Do... Do you wanna go back to my room?" he murmured as he pulled away. He tried not to focus too much on the bandages littering Oriel's arms and shoulders.

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There was a lot that he'd managed to say over the past few minutes, stuff that he'd been keeping locked away for a long time and hadn't ever thought he'd be able to get out ever to anyone. He never thought he'd be able to talk about it. But to Phoenix, for his sake, to help him understand where Oriel was coming from, it had finally come out. There was still so much he didn't say, still so much more of his past that Oriel hadn't gotten to, but for now this was enough. The rest could wait. And just this much was enough to make Oriel feel like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. It was…a relief.

He nodded at Phoenix's promise. "I…I want to help," he said. He wanted to be useful, not completely helpless. Back then he was too young to know what to do, to be able to make a difference. Now, Phoenix was his boyfriend. He was the most important person to Oriel. They were dependent on each other, they helped each other, they made the other person feel like they were worthwhile. "…thank you, for letting me."

Oriel cocked his head with a smirk. "I'm here t' listen whenever you want t' say it." Oriel wanted to know more about Phoenix's past too. "There's…a lot more where that came from. I got a…a lot of stuff t' tell." Not all of it was hard and sad, but a lot of it was. The lies from his fosters, the neglect, the disdain. He was always just a problem to them. "He can take care of himself" some had said. "Oh, he fine, just leave the TV on, he doesn't know what's going on anyway. He's just a kid."

Oriel let loose a chuckle as some of those memories reared up again. "Shit, I…" Oriel looked down on his lover with a broad smile. "We're pretty fucked up, ain't we?" He nodded again and stood as Phoenix pulled himself up. "Yeah, 's a good idea." Oriel snagged one of Phoenix's wrists again and pulled it up, inspecting the bruising that circled it. "H…how bad's it?" he asked, running a finger over the inside of Phen's wrist.

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"I know you do," Phoenix replied, letting out a deep breath. Already the past hour or so seemed like a bad memory; his brain tended to do that with things he didn't want to remember, and he wasn't sure if it was a defense mechanism or something the drugs had done to his head, but at least it made things easier to deal with. He smiled faintly, nuzzling his nose against Oriel's. "An'.... If you need help with anythin', you know... I want you t'tell me, too," he told him, quietly but firmly. "I... I know I ain't too good at a lotta things, but...." Phoenix closed his eyes and rested his head forward. "I wanna be... A good lover. And... An' a good friend." If he could be those things, then at least his life would mean something.

He nodded, already thinking of some of the stories he could tell Oriel when he was ready. He probably would be able to tell them now, but they'd already gone through so much today, he felt like any more would be too much. "I'm sure you do," he replied quietly, pecking the space between Oriel's brows. "And I'm gonna... I'm gonna try to make enough good memories with you that it'll outweigh all that bad stuff ten times over," he promised. He could be cheesy, too.

Phoenix let out a soft snort, shaking his head. "We sure are," he agreed, smiling dryly. At least they were fucked up together. Broken people were attracted to broken people, apparently. He looked down as Oriel grasped one of his wrists; he'd nearly forgotten about them now, but there were definitely bruises there, a dark purplish line that ran nearly all the way around. Phoenix shrugged, looking away. "Ain't too bad," he mumbled. "Just throbs a little." He could feel his pulse each time blood pumped up his narrow, bony arm. He didn't want to worry Oriel, but... "I, ah... I think my wings might've gotten a little banged up too," he admitted. "B-but it's okay." He didn't want to dwell on the bad stuff.

If Oriel began to fret (or even if he didn't), Phoenix tried to distract him by kissing him again, this time pulling him in deeper and making it last longer, so that Phen had to catch his breath when he pulled away. "Come on," he breathed, lacing their fingers together and pulling Oriel gently back to the room.

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Oriel nodded but he couldn't at present think of anything he would need help with that Phoenix could help him with. Outside of his reading difficulties, which Phoenix already helped him with a great deal, the biggest problem he had were his anger issues. He wasn't even sure where that came from half the time - from memories, from over-thinking things, from unintended triggers maybe - but Oriel knew that the last thing he wanted was for Phoenix to throw himself in front of Oriel when he'd gotten to the point where he just couldn't hold it back anymore. "You are…you always have been," he assured his lover.

They already had a lot of good memories together, thought they have a lot of equally bad ones too. He hoped that things only went uphill from here. Oriel didn't want to hurt Phoenix like that again. This time had been bad enough, he hated having to see those bruises on Phen's wrists.

He circled a thumb over them, wishing he could take them back, make them all better. No matter what Phoenix said, there was no way they didn't hurt. Oriel looked up when Phoenix mentioned his wings. "H-how bad?" he started to ask as Phoenix started smothering him with kisses. Oriel closed his eyes and took him in, responding in kind with his own passion. While Phoenix made his point and distracted him from his frets, it didn't erase the issue. Oriel was still worried. He really was out of his head back then. Still, he didn't know what else to do at the time.

He sighed and followed his lover back to the room, enjoying the feel of their fingers intertwined. "At least let me look at 'em," he insisted. Though there was a hint of intent in his voice. That kiss was really effective.

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Phoenix knew Oriel should probably - okay, definitely - be doing something about his anger issues, but Phen was inexperienced with any sort of counseling himself, so he wasn't sure how to help in that regard. All he knew to do was to try to prevent the outbursts from happening, and to give Oriel love and reassurances afterwards if they did happen. He hadn't done a very good job at preventing today, though, and he blamed himself for what had happened.

He really didn't want to think about the injuries between them now that Oriel's had been taken care of. In his opinion, his boyfriend had gotten the worst of it, with those surely painful scratches littering his arms and upper torso. Phen would be fine - his wrists would heal, and his wings might just take a little longer to get better. When Oriel asked how bad, he shrugged again, biting his lip. "Just... Just a little," he reassured him. "I think the wire brace took most of it." Still, he appreciated Oriel's concern, and tried to show it in the soft, intimate moment between them.

Phoenix's injured leg hobbled awkwardly between them without his crutch, but Phoenix managed to make it back to his room again without too much difficulty. At Oriel's insistence, he sighed and turned his back to the boy, letting his wings spread out a bit so his lover could see them. They had been healing pretty nicely, and still weren't too bad, but there were several new breaks in some of the thinner veins, and a couple of pieces of the translucent webbing between them had fallen out onto the bed. "Nothin' time won't fix," he murmured. He wanted to just curl up with Oriel on the bed and maybe have a little fun to make up for what had just happened... "A-actually... Can you take the braces off? I'm... I'm gonna try t'bring them in so we can..." Phoenix trailed off, a small spark of playfulness in his eyes.

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Maybe Oriel had gotten the worst of it, maybe he didn't. He'd taken a lot more psychological damage than he had physical. But by the end, he felt like maybe he'd made progress. Like he and Phoenix had made progress. And Oriel wondered if maybe, just maybe he had shared his past with Phoenix sooner, then maybe he could have prevented this kind of thing from happening. If Oriel just let Phoenix know why he had such a problem with drugs, then Phoenix would have been more willing to let Oriel help him get through his panic and cravings.

Oriel couldn't do anything back then when he was a kid, when he had no idea what he was doing and with someone who didn't want his help, but now…now Oriel was older. He was more stable than he'd been back then and was working toward getting even better. Now, he could at least provide some support for his lover. Even just now, against Phoenix's will, despite how angry and violent he was, despite how scared he was, he still something more than just simply stand there and watch it happen. He didn't let it happen. That was the important thing, he tried to tell himself. He wasn't as powerless as he thought, not as much as he'd felt. Now that Oriel was calm and thinking straight, he was starting to see that. He should be proud…nope, he still felt sick.

Especially looking over the damage that he'd inflicted on Phoenix. His wings had healed so much since they'd been crushed back at the end of November. Now it was going to take even longer for them to heal. Oriel traced his finger along some of the broken veins and gossamer tears. He lifted his eyes at Phoenix's request, meeting them with his lovers, and a smirk pulled at the corners of his lips. "Alright," he said with a leer. "If you say so…Squishy." Oriel started working at the brace, slowly and carefully, then set it aside to put on again later. He moved in and, wasting no time, slid a hand under Phoenix's shirt, pulling it up and carefully over his head and off his wings to expose the back of his thin, tawny-skinned lover. Oriel placed a kiss on his shoulder. "Love you…" he mumbled.

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Phoenix was definitely more understanding now that he knew about just how bad Oriel's history with drugs was. It wouldn't necessarily make his cravings weaken - that just took time - but he would be more aware of letting Oriel know when it was happening and what his boyfriend could do to help. Oriel had definitely made the right move by flushing that shit down the drain - even if Phoenix had fought it at the time, he knew that. And now he was grateful for it. He knew in the future he might scream and wail over it, but.... For now, he was alright. And that was all that mattered. He really should let Oriel know... "Thank you," he said suddenly, blinking and looking up at Oriel. "Thank you for... For bein' strong an' gettin' rid of that stuff..." His throat closed up a bit and he cleared it; that was all he could say. He really didn't want to dwell.

Because now this was going a much more pleasant direction, and Phen didn't want to ruin it. He shivered a little as Oriel's finger ran across his wing, a small, whine-y sound escaping his throat - the touch tickled. He was smiling despite the damage, and it widened when Oriel agreed and used their special little pet name. He held still as his boyfriend carefully took the wires off, and let his wings flutter a couple times after they were free. It hurt a bit, but it felt good to actually move them. He was about to say something else, but then Oriel was already pulling off his shirt, and Phen giggled, dipping his head as his torso was exposed. He was still thin, but had definitely put on a few pounds over the last month or so - it collected around his hips and thighs. As Oriel kissed him, he closed his eyes, tilting his face back to nuzzle against his lover's. "Love you more," he breathed, blinking back with a grin. "Okay, let's try this..." With effort, he willed his broken wings into his body, and grunted as they sunk into the skin with more pain than usual. It was still bearable, at least - he just hoped it wouldn't hurt the healing process too much. Oh well. The dark lines of pigment, usually crisp and clean like his wings, were bent and broken, identical to how his wings looked now.

"Nng... Okay, I can do this," he told Oriel, reaching down to take the boy's hands in his own. It'd been so long since he'd felt up to doing this, his heart was pounding with anticipation. He turned and lovingly latched his lips onto Oriel's throat, leading him to his bed, where they could make this night go from bad to emotional to passionate...

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Oriel lowered his eyes, not sure how to take Phoenix's gratitude. He was grateful for it, of course, and felt such a sense of relief to hear that Phoenix thought he did the right thing, regardless of what else had occurred for it, but Oriel didn't know if he could simply dismiss all that transpired so easily. He shook his head. "Fuck….I wasn't strong, I was….I was terrified. I didn't know what to do….I just panicked…." Reflecting on that memory only made Oriel want to curl up with his lover and bask in his warmth forever.

Luckily, that was exactly what he planned to do, or at least as close to it as possible. Phoenix, being his meek, vulnerable self, was certainly making it easy as he twitched and whimpered behind Oriel's light touches, first across his damaged wings, then under his shirt and over the korean boy's torso. He waited a moment, mentally wincing as the gossamer wings gradually melded back into Phoenix's back, creating a broken pattern down his shoulder-blades that looked much like a tattoo.

Phoenix announced his readiness and Oriel smiled, leering over his bare chested lover and taking his hands in his own. With Phoenix moving backwards, Oriel lowered Phoenix onto the bed, his hand guiding the thin boy from the base his spine and the other hand offering support on the back of his neck. Oriel placed his lips gently over Phoenix's eyebrow, then down to the side of his nose, then finally he opened his lover's glossy lips with his tongue and wrapped it around Phen's. The kiss was long, deep, passionate. It was sweetly suffocating and after a what seemed like several eternal minutes, Oriel broke free with a short gasp. He nuzzled their foreheads together and slowly opened his eyes. "I'll be careful," he assured his injured lover. And he kissed his again.

--Fade to Black--

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Mmmm.... Phoenix couldn't imagine Heaven being any better than this. The bliss of making love was still thrumming through his body as he snuggled up against Oriel's chest, a thin sheen of sweat making his skin stick to the sheets. His heart was finally slowing down and his breathing evening out. Despite his injuries, Oriel had still managed to make it extremely enjoyable; and it'd been so long (one month? two?) that they'd been able to actually do it together, like this, Phen almost felt like it was the first time all over again.

Oriel had been gentle, though. Phoenix's cast-clad leg had only been bumped a little, and though his back ached where he'd brought his wings in, it wasn't unbearable. "I..." Phen didn't even know what to say. Did he need to say anything? He sunk deeper into Oriel's embrace and tugged the blanket up around them, fitting himself into that perfect niche against his lover's body that he never wanted to leave. "I'm... So in love with you," he breathed quietly.

He took another breath in. "How... How are you doing?" Even though he was the injured one, Oriel had gone through a lot tonight too - he wanted to make sure everything was perfect and settled before they fell asleep.

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Oriel was still floating in the dizzying after-haze of having held and connected so intimately with his lover, he was on the verge of drifting off to sleep right there without barely making another move. He didn't mind the rough and heaviness of Phoenix's cast and so still entangled their legs like he always did. He wrapped around his thin asian lover, cocooning the two of them beneath the bed covers to trap their shared heat. It may have been hot and musty, but that was just perfect. Oriel needed this kind of closeness.

"Mmmm...." Oriel mumbled, half-asleep already but with a content smile lightly placed on his lips. "Me too..." he uttered, pulling his Squish in even closer. At the next question, though, Oriel opened his eyes to just slits and thought for a moment. "Yeah..." he whispered, though he wasn't sure how true it was. If not today, then Oriel knew at least that he'd be fine tomorrow. Right now he just wanted to bask in the comfort of the person who loved him and whom he loved until morning came. Maybe then the dark cloud that had fallen over this day will have cleared up enough for that answer to be true.

Oriel worried about Phoenix. He was still in shock over how he'd treated him when emotions had been so high. Oriel would have to watch himself more closely from now on, to make sure he was in better control. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Phoenix in a fit of rage. That was something that had been weighing heavy on Oriel's mind for the past few months....he shook it off. He didn't need to be thinking of such a thing now, when the atmosphere was so nice and he was moving steadily towards feeling okay. Oriel pulled Phoenix in close once again, planting a light kiss on the boy's forehead. "Go to sleep, Squishy," he said softly. "....love you." Oriel rested his head down again and closed his eyes.

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Phoenix didn't mind the heat - as someone who was cold about ninety percent of the time, especially during the freezing days of winter, the warmth was welcome, especially radiating from someone that held him so close and cared for him so much. He let out a hum of content as Oriel pulled him in tightly, ignoring the pains in his back from keeping his broken wings in. He knew he should probably be worried that he was making them worse, but... He was far too warm and happy to dwell on that now.

He peeked back as Oriel sleepily spoke, smiling at what he was saying. "Good... 'Cause I am too," he mumbled, giving a wide yawn. His wrists didn't even feel like they hurt anymore, although he would notice the next morning that the bruising would darken and spread a little more. At least his panic attack seemed like a thing of the past; he knew they would come again, but not for a while, hopefully.

Phoenix knew Oriel hadn't meant to hurt him. And he had to believe that he wouldn't again, because Oriel loved him and he wouldn't harm the person he loved, right? Nah... Phen felt safe and secure, wrapped up nice and tight, like nothing in the world could hurt him as long as he was in this protective embrace. He squinted his eyes as Oriel kissed his forehead, brushing his fingers through Oriel's hair once as his eyes fluttered closed. "Kay..." he mumbled, feeling himself begin to fade quickly. "Love you too..." And with that, he drifted off into unconsciousness. Tomorrow would be a better day. Right?

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It was a few more hours into the night before either of them would wake again. Oriel, like usual, had moved little over the course of their slumber, doing no more than simply rolling onto his back and draping Phoenix over him like a blanket, keeping his arms wrapped around his snuggle-squish like he was holding a teddy bear.

But his mind was still racing, taking events from the present, from the past, from his own imagination and blending them together into images floating through his subconscious.

"I can't do it!" he screamed at the faceless figure. But still, the burly man insisted, pointing down at the canvas. The painting was nearly complete, all the others had made their contribution. There was just the small spot in the corner that was still left blank.

He couldn't see the picture, couldn't make sense of what it was supposed to be, but if he could finish it then it'd be complete. Oriel didn't know why he had to contribute, why couldn't someone else do it? "Just put something down. Anything will do. It doesn't matter what it is." But that didn't make any sense! How could it be complete if he put down anything? What if it didn't fit? What if it made the rest look bad? As it was, it looked okay. If Oriel put something down, then he'd just make it worse.

"Just do it, it's not that hard." Another voice came from somewhere. "It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be there." Another from the other side. "You're the only one who thinks it's hard."

Just a line, just a circle, just a scribble, just a dot of color. Anything that came from his hand would be enough. But he was paralyzed. Despite holding the tools in his hands and being only inches away from the canvas, he couldn't move. Oriel could barely breath. The voices weighed him down, their words hanging off him and crippling his movement. He couldn't even retreat, they were so heavy.

"It's not that big a deal. Look, I'll show you." Another faceless person took the brush from his frozen hand and approached the canvas, holding it up to mark up the blank space.

No. That space was his, it wasn't meant for you! You're taking it from me! That's not right, it won't be complete if you do it. Nobody will be able to see it.

You're not doing it.

But it'll be fake!

Why do you care? You can't move.

I'll move!

You're lying. You're not even trying.

Yes I am!

No you're not. You're just making noise.

I'm not lying!

Saying it enough doesn't make it true. All it takes is one step and you can't even do that much. You only have yourself to blame.

Stop it!

I'm taking it.

No!

You didn't deserve it anyway….

Oriel's breathing had become shuddered, quick and sharp. An incoherent series whimpers escaped his parted lips. He tilted his head to the side and let a tear stream down into the pillow.

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Unlike Oriel, Phoenix was sleeping quite soundly, apart from the occasional rise out of deep slumber to get more comfortable and keep as close to Oriel as physically possible to suck up all the body heat he could. He was normally one to dream all the time, especially back when he'd still been taking hits - the hallucinogen gave him extremely vivid ones, too, some that he woke up screaming to, only to have to cry himself back to sleep over without anyone there to comfort him...

Since he'd been with Oriel, though, the nightmares had been fewer and less intense, and many of his dreams were actually pleasant. Tonight, he didn't dream at all, or at least not that he would recall; it was dark, warm, fuzzy, a very pleasant sleep especially considering what had happened earlier in the day.

He was roused, though, by small, whimpering sounds. Call it some sort of weird maternal(?) instinct, but Phoenix was roused easily by sounds of distress, and he snapped awake, squinting up at Oriel. "Mmm... Babe?" he mumbled, but there was no response apart from continued whimpers. Phen realized he was still asleep, and pushed himself up onto his elbows, reaching down to cradle Oriel's jaw in his hands. He felt the dampness on his cheek, and Phen's worry grew. "Oriel, wake up," he murmured, shaking him a little. "Oriel..." He must be having a nightmare, Phoenix thought. And while they weren't necessarily dangerous, Phen knew how traumatizing they could be; this sounded like a bad one, too. His shaking became more determined, and he sat up more, feeling helpless. "Come on..."