Featherbound

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

A rough leather bound diary, plain and simple. It is obviously old and visibly worn from age and the wear and tear of being near a family. On the inside cover is the message:

"No matter who you turn out to be, remember that I'll always love you.
P.M.A x"

The diary is written in with messy handwriting and misspellings throughout, which improve as time goes by. For the first entries, look at Gryph's profile.

February 7th, 2014

IT'S 2014. You know what that means... nothing will fucking change, except my calendar.

As you can tell from my amazing skills of memory and organization and stuff, I am writing in here 2 months after the new year actually came around. You want a reason why? I couldn't be bothered. And I had stuff going on; if you actually remembered correctly, I do have a social life and friends and lessons. Which leads me to another question I'd like to ask, why do I write in here like I'm writing to someone? Like, who the fuck else is gonna read this? Sometimes I don't know why I try.

Got quite a lot of news, anyway. First and formost, I ACTUALLY TALKED TO PHENNIE AGAIN! He's a lot better than the last time I saw him (you know what I'm on about). I'm glad he's sorting things out. Details aren't gonna be coming through today, I'll just say he has an asshole boyfriend and bruises on his arms and I don't wanna think about it. But he has a job and he's happy, so I'm happy for him, I guess.

And I'm happy to report that I'm actually kind of moving on, although I'm not sure I can count it as moving on quite yet. It's fun, though, so yeah. The guy's name is Cody or Codey or something, at least that's what it sounds like. Met him while I was dancing, and that was funny. And then he was ill, so we did cute things while he was tipsy on medication. And a few days ago, I ran into him in the library. Literally. Well, technically, he ran into me. All the same, that was great too. I found out that's he's a bookworm, which I honestly wasn't expecting, because he acts really tough and all... growly. I'm not describing him very well, but whatever. Don't worry, I didn't kiss him or anything... HA TOTAL LIE I DID! In all honesty, it was amazing. Dang, I should've been kissing more people these last two years, I've missed doing that a lot more than I realized. But Cody's a lot of fun.

There's a Valentine's dance on tomorrow at a local LGBT center. I'm sill deciding whether or not to go, but I don't think it'll be anything but fun, so yeah, that'll be how I spend my Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. 

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

April 13th, 2014

Things have happened. Multiple things. I usually wouldn't write in here until my birthday (4 days!), but I'm running out of ways to get my mind off of everything so I can actually concentrate instead of constantly mind-walking.

I don't wanna talk about Kodi (it's spelt Kodi, not Cody) straight away, because it'll get muddled with everything else. Even though half of everything I've been doing has revolved around that moron ugh. I have other things to talk about anyway.

Met three girls recently - Melanie, Maddie and Maud. And it keeps tripping me out how all of their names begin with M, don't get me started on that. Met Melanie when she was trying to fly. She had a stupidly rude bird - I was polite to him, but he was ridiculously rude back. Some people. Some birds. Anyway, when I was helping Melanie, she crashed into a tree and cut her arm. I feel really bad, I wish I could turn back the clock and stop it from ever happening... argh.

Maddie was cute, another dancer, and photographer, like me! She was bubbly and friendly and I was in a crap mood when I met her, but she picked up my spirits. Sweet girl.

And Maud. Crazy little Maud. I sent a bird to talk to her and then when I actually talked to her, she invited me to this huge cavern place - it was insane. I flew around a bit with her, and now I really wanna take Kodi there too.

Might as well start talking about him, seeing as I can't seem to think for two seconds without him popping into my thoughts. I feel like a 13 year old girl, so yup. That's just fucking brilliant.

At the end of my other journal entry I mentioned that LGBT dance thing. I went to it - it was fun! And then I went outside and Kodi was there. We talked and long story short, I tried to make him jealous and it crashed and burned into a smoking heap of horrible failure. I promised to stop mucking around and we... made up? I don't even know. But then we left together and went back to Hammel and stuff and yeah. It was fun ^-^

I think I asked him out properly on Valentine's day. He kinda froze, but it was adorable. We went to town and bought ice cream (what else?), but then fate decided to rear it's ugly head and Oriel turned up. I got properly pissed, and so did Kodi. They talked for a bit and I have no idea what it was about but I didn't dwell.on it then, and I'm trying my hardest not to dwell on it now... anyway, we went to a bookstore and then we went back to Hammel and... things happened. V-card's still intact, but things(!!)

Broke my wrist - whoop-di-freaking-doo. I can't stand having this stupid wrist in a cast - I want to do things, but I can't go photograph things, or dance very well, or do most everyday things without failing miserably. What is life. Should be coming off at some point soon, though.

I went to a truth or dare party coz I live life on the edge. Ended up getting drunk, and my drunk self screwed me over. Kind of.

I told Kodi that I loved him.

Of course I like him, I really sincerely do! And maybe I am kind of infatuated. But I have no idea why, or how, and I don't know why I suddenly decided that I loved him. When I came to, Kodi told me about it (after some encouragement) and I confirmed it. I'm not gonna go back on it - I said that I loved him... so I will love him. Because I do love him. Why do I have emotions, can't I give them to someone else?

I went to help at dancing at one point, and Oriel made me promise not to leave Kodi behind. I have a bad feeling about this, but I promised. And he didn't really make me promise, I just straight out did it. And then he told me all this... stuff about Kodi. Stuff I am not writing down because it was bad enough hearing and remembering it, I don't need to go into overkill and write it too.

At some point, I swear I cracked. I made a blanket fort and played Truths with Kodi. That reminds me - things to remember (let's hope I haven't got any of these wrong): August 17th, Red, The Fault in Our Stars. There might be other stuff, but I remember him saying those things.

We share a birthday number, that's pretty cool.

And then something happened that shocked me (and if I'm honest, still scares me a little). I ran into Kodi beating someone up. Kicking them.in the stomach, shouting at them, fangs out... I wish I'd looked away. I know that sounds wimpy, but I forced myself to remember what he looked like and it just scares the shit out of me that the Kodi I'm growing to love could be consumed by his "demons", as he called them. I don't want to lose him. And he seemed so scared - his own parents told convinced him that he was going to go to hell. I can't even understand how that's humanely possible, because they sound heartless. I don't remember our conversation perfect, I was a little overwhelmed with... everything. But I'm not leaving him. I can't let him slip into that dark side of himself that makes him hate himself and he told me that he practically lets himself get beaten up because he thinks he deserves it. He's self-harming, and I can't bare to even imagine what he thinks of himself. It scares me.

Ran into a guy called Erik. Apparently, he and Kodi used to do things together. I don't like Erik.

Might go back to that cavern again soon, the one Maud took me to. It seems like a good place to think.And I can think in my room, but nature makes it so much easier for my brain to function. Fresh air, fresh grass, fresh perspective. It's all good.

It'll be fine. I know it will. I'm finding it hard to.understand all the goings on as of late, but I can work with them. It'll be okay.

(Whoa I wrote loads today x.x)

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

April 18th, 2014

Shock horror - I didn't write anything in here on my birthday, broke tradition! Well, shut your flaps,book, because this is my birthday entry. (Why do I write like this...) I just happen to be writing it the day after; I was a bit busy, too busy to write anything yesterday. So quit complaining and start listening. Reading. The fuck, I don't know.

I said about Oriel before and didn't really explain who he was. Well... I'm gonna draw him. I'm in a drawey mood today.

That's not too crap. He looks kind of like that, and he's Phen's boyfriend person. I'm definitely not a huge fan of him, but I don't hate him morbidly. I want us to get along, if for nothing but the sake of Phen, but I'm not sure if that's gonna be happening anytime soon. I have a story about Oriel, something that happened between us, but it's not the nicest story ever, and I can't remember much about it. That fact alone should speak thousands for how crap it was.

Pushing away from the topic of assholes like Oriel, I have had my birthday! Fi got me some stuff, the usual, but I still think it's all great. She also got me a little plushie bird thing that's pretty cute - I keep finding myself fiddling with it. Not that that's an issue. Phen got me a 'wing-friendly' jacket, which looks awesome and isn't as fucking shit as most of my other wing designed clothes.

And then there's the subject of Kodi. Still in a drawing mood, bear with:

(Gah, I need to improve my drawing skills) So, that's Kodi. Kind of. Maybe I should stick an actual photograph in here instead, it might actually do him some justice. But yeah, Kodi got me a book about birds and stuff (which I keep flicking through, despite the difficulties involves), some cake (mmm, cake) and he asked me to be his boyfriend. Excuse me while I explode with happiness right now. Obviously, I said yes. God, it's so... weird and amazing and stupid and crazy and there aren't enough of the right words in the world to describe how I'm feeling. My cheeks are hurting as I'm writing this, literally just because it makes me smile so much when I think about it.

I haven't been this happy in ages. And I would consider myself pretty optimistic at the moment, so that's quite a big deal.

We went to the overlook over Pilot Ridge and I flew for him and he gave me fangs, after it started raining and we ended up stranded under a tree for a while. Once it died down, I woke him up (he went to sleep for a bit) and we got the bus back to Hammel. Went to my room, talked a little and went to bed. To sleep. Still have my V-card, although that fact has developed into more of a frustration than a source of comfort or whatever. Uuuuggghhh. But Kodi's amazing.

I said before, about saying that I loved him too early. I think it's true now. I love Kodiak. It's still too early, even now, I feel, but at least it's definitely genuine. He just has this other side that no-one gets to see, and I can't help but love it. I mean, yes, his snarkiness can be pretty funny, and yes, he isn't a perfect human being, but who is? No-one could be a perfect person, in accordance of society or whatever. There will most probably always be at least one person who isn't a fan of you, who will always be able to point out your flaws. I'm not perfect either. In fact, I could afford to not try so hard, but I like being liked, and I like others and helping them and being there for them. Yeah.

So that's that - I'm nineteen. Just one two one more things. First of, I'm reading. Clearly, it won't become a hobby, I can't deal with the frustration of wavering concentration on a constant basis, but Kodi said he like the Fault in Our Stars, so I'm reading it through a few times and stuff. Hopefully. Hmm.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring. (Thought I'd end on a cheesy note)

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

May 7th, 2014

I never know how to start these. Nothing incredibly life changing has happened - not yet, anyway. Maybe my next entry will be like 'HOLY SHIT, BOOK THAT I OCCASIONALLY WRITE IN FOR NO DEFINABLE REASON, I WON THE LOTTERY!', the most suprising part of that being that I don't even enter the lottery. What's the point?

Main reason for me writing today - I met someone new and thought she was worth mentioning. Her name (excuse me if I get this wrong) is Tackchawee, or Tack. She seems really nice, if a little... interesting. Like, she could tell that I was gay without asking me, or seeing me talk with Kodi for more than five minutes. Because that would probably result in kisses. Not that I am complaining at all. Ehe. But anyway, she seems cool and stuff. Yup.

Played Spin the Bottle and that was... fun(?) Kodi said he was allowed to get drunk because I got drunk and he had to deal with me. So that was nice of him.

I'm probably also writing in here because I am incredibly nervous. Nervous for what, your inanimate unwritten pages ask? ...I'm about to give Kodi my V-card. Like, properly. I'm doing this. Fucking hell, I don't know why I'm so nervous.

(Random scribbles fill up the next few lines.)

...I guess that kinda helped.

Okay, I'm not putting it off anymore. Might write in here later. Wish me luck, inanimate object!

Gryphon

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

May 25th, 2014

Why do things happen to me~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh hey, by the way, didn't win the lottery. Actually, practically the opposite. But, lets do this in order, seeing as it comes in pretty early anyway. I almost wrote in here straight away, but... I'll get to it.

There was a blackout for a few days, and I happened to be in the band room when all the lights shut off, with all the instruments out. And apparently, I had no balance or anything. Fell about like a fucking inflatable clown, almost denting this and damaging that, which... yep, if that's not great, I don't know what is.

Oh wait, maybe I do. The day after, I went to visit Kodi at his work place (and my original plan was funny and stupid because I'm funny and stupid so ha) but then who of all people to be there but fucking Nick. Like, please kill me now, why has this happened. And also, this was two weeks ago today - it took me two weeks to get this down on paper. I hate him, I hate him so fucking much. And yes, I am generally a happy person, you know, optimiscitc and shit or whatver, but let me be angry, let me be fucking upset! Because he was crap to me, and then he left. That was the point, he left, not he stuck around for however long to make me feel like crap, he LEFT! Why did he have to come back? More to the point - did he ever leave? I don't know what he did after Hammel, I expected him to go to some high-and-mighty college someplace else, or start some stupid, useless business or I don't know, just not here!! Grrrrrr (scribble scribble scribble, page rips sightly)

And it made Kodi pissed off, because to calm him down, I told him more about what happened between me and that assbucket - what in God's name made me think that that was a good idea? He got really really angry and kept saying he was gonna punch Nick's face in and a part of me wishes I had just let him, because oh my god I want to do that now. It's not fair.

What else~~~ oh yeah.

I hooted at someone's owl. They looked at me funny. Oh, the someone was a synced gestalt pair. The bird demanded food. I said no. That was a good day.

In seriousness, yesterday was a good day, honestly. I went to go dance and work out or whatever - there are a lot of things a guy can do in the training rooms. So I took the option of lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling. I honestly don't know why people like me sometimes, I can be so damn boring. But, here's the good part, Maddie came along. I seriously need to meet up with her more, she has a way of cheering me up that I don't even understand. We caught up on things and she climbed on top of me just as Kodi came along. That made me laugh loads, his face was pure gold. And Maddie didn't even give a shit - I have no idea if that was on purpose or not, but it was brilliant either way. And she took his girl hugging virginity, which was amusing to watch too. Oh, and suprise photos. If I remember to get them printed, I will clip them in.

I think things will be okay. I just need to keep smiling. Keep smiling.

Gryphon

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

June 20th, 2014

Okay, I've graduated, that's one thing that's happened.

Not that I like it.

Okay, of course I like it, I mean, it shows I have competence, even if it is only mild and fleeting. I'm smart enough to do stuff, yay.

I don't want to leave. Seriously, no, I don't want to go anywhere. I'm happy right here. Why~ :c

I've got an apartment, with Tak. It's cool, but I've got to put everything in it, and so does she.

Why am I finding it so hard to write today?? I mean, I'm no author, I never have been. But... for fuck's sake... AGH! This usually helps, and now it's making me feel like shit. This isn't fair.

University won't be crap, hopefully. I'm looking forward to it anxiously, if that makes any sense.

I don't know what to think anymore. This sucks. Everything sucks.

Butts.

Gryphon

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Books I've read
This is neccesary. Because reading. And stuff.
This is my journal, I'll do what I want.

The Fault in Our Stars - Reading Finished 06/19/14

The Hunger Games - Reading  Finished 07/12/14

Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone - Reading Finished 08/14/14
 (about damn time, me)

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets - Reading Finished 09/28/14

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban - Reading Finished 12/13/14 

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire - Reading Finished 01/29/15

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix - Reading Finished 04/05/15

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - Reading Finished 07/16/15

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Reading (?)

....I'm not sure I want to read anymore.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

My Tattoos
Because obviously, at this rate, I'm going to lose track of them.
Italics is OOC because #yolo and these pics ain't accurate.
List will grow if/when Gryph gets moar ink


Picture is accurate


This picture's accurate too


Nope. Right - the typography's less fancy (more like this) and the tattoo is underneath Gryph's wings, not on his shoulder. And it's a little bigger.


The tattoo is smaller and is under Gryph's right thumb.


Picture is accurate



Modelled by your's truly - for clarity, this is his left hand, on his middle finger, facing him. So yeah, it's accurate ^^

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

July 14th, 2014

So something happ

A lot of things have gone on recen

I don't know what

Fuck everything

Life is confusing. I thought writing would help, but nope.

Nopeity nope nope.

Gryphon

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

August 27th, 2014

Everything's just a train-wreck at the moment.

My last entry was a bit cryptic, so I may as well explain. Kodi got drunk and I found him with Oriel (also drunk) making out.

You don't know how crap it made me feel, and I just don't want to think about it for too long.

I talked to Kodi the day after. That was not a fun conversation. But in the end, he told me he would try not to screw up again. I wanted to believe him.

I completely trusted that he will try. Whether or not he will succeed, I have no idea.

That's kind of mean to say, but I'm in a bad mood.

Now, it's still kind of the same. I'm not sure what to think, but I don't want to leave him, and I want to help him.

He told me he loves me. Or at least, he thinks he does. Which is huge.

It made me wonder why I loved him, but I have come to the simple conclusion that I can nitpick certain things that I like about him, but in the end, I just don't know. It's cheesy to say love is unpredictable and strange, but in the end, it really is. But it happened. I can't stop the stupid attraction I have.

I don't regret falling for him - not at all. Even if to other people he's not exactly... nice, or civil, I like him for who he is. That's what matters, right?

Even if he's terrible sometimes.

I swear I'm going insane.

After that whole issue, I found out that Oriel had found Phen when he was drunk and he had hit him. To my knowledge, Hammel has been keeping them separate ever since. I would say it was a good thing, but Phen's been in a bad way. He's getting help and everything, but he's turned into a walking skeleton. It's bad.

So I have multiple reasons to hate Oriel, which I do. Very much so. Which brings me onto my next catastrophe.

I punched Oriel. Three times, I think.

More bad stuff. I feel terrible about doing it, even if a part of me says he deserved it. I don't punch people. Never. He's a dick, but I shouldn't have punched him. I did it once and then he just started egging me on, he kept trying to get me to punch him again. I still don't understand why.

He got me a few times. News flash: I don't like being punched. I don't want it to happen again, and I especially don't want to be the instigator again.

I mean, he punched concrete in the end, and I hit him while he was down. That was just plain wrong.

Another sign of my insanity.

It was Kodi's birthday a little over a week ago. That was fun. And awkward. But I don't remember some of it.

It was at UVM. Hopefully no one from it will recognise me when I start going to stuff. Because it probably wasn't the best of first impressions.

Speaking of UVM, I saw Rue again. I never wrote about him, I don't think. It was during that silent time. While I was recovering from the whole Nick issue, me and Rue went out. Didn't really work, for obvious reasons, but we're still friends. He showed me around. That was nice.

Reading that back, I sound so unenthusiastic. Honestly, I'm happy about it. I just feel crap at the moment.

I grazed my arm and gave myself a concussion because I crashed onto Starbucks, but what else is new? A guy helped me. He was a nice guy.

I am using the word nice too much.

I think we've got through everything, so I will get to the creme de la creme of my crap situation.

My dad called.

He actually contacted me.

I didn't really know what to expect at the time, but it went downhill pretty fast.

I honestly don't understand why he suddenly turned on me. I thought he was just completely indifferent about my existence but then he suddenly turns around and tells me I'm a disappointment.

What am I supposed to think?

It's like he expected me to apologise for the fact that he did nothing for me, except the necessities. And the money, in physical form or in the form of lessons and stuff.

That's a thought - is he going to cut off the money he was giving me? Because I am overly screwed if that happens. I can't exactly ask him, maybe he's too busy to remember about it? Or maybe he will keep giving it to me so I don't completely flop.

I'm not the mastermind he expected me to be. I'm not perfect. I know that, even if I have been told that I am. I'm really not. I never will be. I'm happy with myself though. I was happy with myself. Now, I just don't know what to think.

Come on, I'm stupid. Seriously, I just don't have brain capacity. Or maybe I just don't have a brain at all. I trust in my heart, but my head feels like nothing but hot air now.

He attacked my homosexuality when I brought it up. Called me naive and disgusting for it. I know I'm not - I know that I am gay and I am totally at peace with that. But I thought he didn't care.

He's asshole, but first and foremost, he's my dad. And he's not ignoring me now, he's borderline disowned me, and that feels so much worse.

I could write about this for a long time, and I might another time, but I feel drained just thinking about the whole situation. I just feel pretty drained about everything. I have got things to make things better, like talking to Maddie helps, even if we don't talk about anything that's happening. Especially if we don't - it just gives me a chance to forget for a while.

I haven't told anyone about my dad incident, and I don't intend to, honestly. It's just too much to burden anyone else with. And maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I should just try to forget about it. I don't know.

I'm a bad liar. I know I am - so I don't know how long I will be able to hide it for, but I can trust in my ability to do so, because of how much I seriously don't want to trouble anyone else with it.

Yeah, I'm insane. Where's the nearest asylum?

I want help, but I know I can't and shouldn't ask for it. This is my problem, something I created. It's my responsibility to deal with it myself. I shouldn't risk dragging anyone else into it with me, because that would be truly unfair.

I don't know anymore.

Gryphon

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

September 12th, 2015

I am extraordinarily awful at keeping this journal updated. And it now hurts to read back at everything. I'm halfway through the last Harry Potter book (an achievement for me) and yet, I don't want to touch those books again. I don't want to see any more books... but at the same time I do. I don't know what to do. Kodi broke up with me suggested that we took a break, but I know what that means. And now I'm lonely. I was lucky enough yesterday to have Rue find me and help me feel better, but other than that happening, I have been sad and lonely and I don't know what to think anymore.

It's probably because I'm slowly noticing things. Things I should have noticed while I was with Kodi. I knew our relationship was unhealthy, but how we functioned was just... completely off. I know what happened has turned out to probably be better for me, personally, but I'm still worried about Kodi. I want to send him something or see him or something but that's not how this works. So I'm stuck. I'm used to the company. Maybe I should take Rue up on his offer to say over at his more often until I feel better... I don't want to be a pain though. I should try and be more grown up about this than hiding in someone else's home because my own place makes me too sad. And I can't leave Fang on his own, like how I can't take him to Rue's apartment, unless I want him torn to pieces by two cats - or at least be frightened by them. I would hate to see that. I'm only writing about Fang because I'm sat on the floor in the living room and he's hopping around. He seems confused. I guess he misses Kodi. He's not the only one.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to refocus back into my studies but it's a real struggle. I'm constantly worried about Kodi, about what he's doing. I would hate myself if I found out Damon found him again. I can't help what Oriel's going to think when he finds out about this. The only person I've told is Rue. I wonder if Kodi's told anyone. 

I need to stop thinking about him. I know this is unhealthy, but I can't help it. I miss him. Which is understandable, we only split a couple days ago, but... is it really going to stay like this? Last time it was about a month. I haven't written about that in here either. I haven't written about Damon before either. I know what I'm talking about so I don't think I need to clarify. 

Maybe I should make a list of things I can do without Kodi.

• Dance, and learn more choreographies, and keep my job
• Start taking photos again
• Go to college and get my degree
• Find someone new (?) 
• Experiment with.... things
• Sort my Dad out
• Really work out who I am

I don't really know who I am anymore. I don't think I ever gave myself a chance to grow up. Maybe I should now? And I am not getting married to Fleur. Another thing I haven't written about. I'll kill myself run away before that marriage goes through. 

I should play with Fang for a while. I think we both want Kodi back but I can't change that now. Maybe the fluffball will help me cheer up. I hope so. I'm already so tired of being lonely. Bye, journal.

Gryphon

[Gryphon Matsuoka]