AU: Broken Curses

[Joshua Bernstein]

The questions were unexpected, and Josh blinked in confusion as he processed them. He had avoided topics with any hint of romance, which included the subject of his previous relationships, because Sean had made his opinion on their situation plain and so there was no reason to bring any of that up.

He hadn't expected the older man to ask at all, particularly not in such a blunt manner. He wasn't sure what the purpose of asking served, anyway, but he felt as if he at least owed Sean an answer.

The answer to the first question was hardly a secret, however, and after he had recovered from his shock over the fact that the telepath had broached the topic at all he shrugged.

"We had some ahh...insurmountable differences that I wish I had known about earlier. I'm sure that he wished he had known, too. I couldn't continue to date someone who thought that calling the president a Muslim was an insult and he couldn't continue to date someone who thought it wasn't."

He inhaled deeply as he considered the answer to the next question. "Well ahhhh I suppose you could say that I'm spontaneous. I think it's important to show your partner physical affection when the mood strikes you, and then if they want to take it further from there you can work it out. I don't like to get stuck in a routine, and ahh I like variety. With, you know, styles. Not with people. But if my partner has a more ahh...limited amount of things they like I can live with that. Variety is fun, but only if the person I'm with enjoys it, too. I don't want to have sex with someone if he isn't into it too. Ahhh....is that too much information?'

That was more than most people would get regarding the second question, which was certainly nobody's business unless he invited them to bed with him. It was a little uncomfortable to talk to his friend about at all, but since Sean was a telepath he might already know. Maybe he was asking as a test, to see if Josh was honest.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean did not find Josh’s answer to his first question surprising. He had learned quickly that the attorney was liberal and conscious of a variety of issues of oppression, and they had similar sensibilities in politics. The telepath would have no tolerance for someone who subscribed to similar notions as the ones that Josh described his ex-lover as having espoused. That was one area where the telepathy granted him an advantage; he never broke up over politics because he avoided such relationships in the first place.

The answer to his second question earned a nod of understanding, followed by a simple, “No, that isn’t too much information” when Josh asked a question of his own. While it was possible to discuss sex without using that word, he considered it a waste of time to tiptoe around the issue. That was what two decades of teaching sexual education to students coupled with life during the 1970s did to a person.

He then took a deep breath before he added, unprompted, “My last three relationships ended because nobody can stand to be with me in the long-term, and the short-term gets shorter with every year that goes by.” His voice held no bitterness, only dull resignation.

The telepath had an exceptionally poor relationship history. While he had had no problems finding partners as a young man, keeping them proved difficult. Finding them as he grew older also proved increasingly difficult, until he had determined that he would most likely spend life as a bachelor, even while he yearned for more.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Oh."

Josh had witnessed the demise of one relationship,when he had been in dog form. That it was part of a larger pattern wasn't exactly a surprise, because obviously Sean remained single, and because Josh has never met the person who had broken up with Sean, which meant that they had not come over to the house the entire time he had been there. This suggested it has not yet reached a serious stage.

Still, with everything he had witnessed as a canine, and then with the friendship he had experienced as a human, he couldn't understand why the telepath would have so much difficulty maintaining a relationship. He seemed like precisely the sort of person to have settled down decades ago with someone wonderful, with grandchildren at his knees by now.

Only that hadn't happened.

Somehow.

"Do you...do you know why?" He asked cautiously and then hastened to add, "you don't have to answer that, sorry."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean did not reply immediately, although he had heard the other man’s question, as well as his assurance that no answer was required. Explanations always proved difficult when conversing with non-telepaths. Robert Hopkins had understood, but his mentor had passed long ago. Robert had also managed to overcome the difficulty inherent in telepath/non-telepath relationships by being married for over fifty years.

Beth had been special.

Finally, Sean looked over at the attorney and said, “Every non-telepath on this Earth has a door in their mind, but instead I have a fence and a key. It’s difficult to bridge that gap, since other people can’t change, and I can’t change myself enough.”

He shrugged then, rather than heaving a sigh of resignation. “I have flaws beyond that, and everything gets compounded when you reach a certain age and have only a string of unsuccessful relationships in your history, rather than a proper family.”

There was also the biphobia, and his unfortunate history with other men. Some women assumed that he was gay but was too ashamed or uncomfortable to admit it to himself or to others. Some men also believed that and rejected him as a result. Others thought that he might prefer a woman and so they preemptively rejected him before he might reject them. Some women found his experience with men gross or unmasculine or sinful. Then there were the expectations: that he had to fall into a particular pattern behavior or else.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Everyone has flaws," Josh remarked, although he wasn't sure that this observation would be particularly reassuring to the other man. He had surely already noticed, as a telepath and a psychiatrist and, well, as an adult human being with observational skills of his own.

"But being a telepath isn't a flaw. Being different from other people isn't a flaw. Do you want other people to change? Would it be easier if the rest of us had fences instead of doors?"

He knew that Sean was right, that it was an impossible wish, but he was interested in the answer.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean knew that everyone had flaws. Stating that he had them had been his acknowledgement of that fundamental fact, so it did not appear that he had argued that he was perfect and that anti-psychic bias bore sole responsibility for his abysmal relationship history. “Yes, and I’m flawed like everyone else.” The telepath wanted to make that plain, and he otherwise was content to leave that part of the conversation where it had ended.

Sean also agreed that being a telepath was not a flaw. Discomfort with telepath stemmed from unfamiliarity with telepath and anti-psychic bias, and occasionally from metaphobia as well. None of that had bearing on the fact that his needs as a telepath differed from those of the average non-psychic, and that this also played a role in the demise of his past relationships.

At the question, he shrugged slightly. “Those aren’t the same question. Of course, it would be easier.” If the entire world was designed around telepaths, then he would be accommodated in all areas of life, including social bonding and interpersonal relationships. That would make life infinitely easier.

However, that hypothetical ease did not dictate that everyone else should change; it also did not imply that he wanted them to change.

“Even with that, I don’t think that people should have to become someone or something they aren’t. Even if it would be helpful for them to meet me halfway sometimes.”

Therein lay the problem.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh was not sure how this topic had come up. Maybe Sean just needed someone to vent to about his history, which was fair. But he had so many friends, most of whom had known him far longer than the attorney had and would surely understand better.

Instead Josh continued to flounder, uncertain what was expected of him but sure that there was some word or phrase he ought to say to help the other man to feel better. Whatever might help remained elusive, however, and so he contented himself with furrowing his brow in concern.

"You make it sound like it isn't possible for anyone to meet you halfway."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Admittedly, Sean had made use of an exceptionally poor segue. He had brought them to this topic because they had been without other topics of conversation, and because they had returned to the circumstances under which they had met. Which, inevitably brought with it memories of what Josh had said regarding their compatibility, if not also the impending future.

Sean Neville was foretold to be Joshua Bernstein’s “True Love” ™. Given that the telepath was naturally monogamous, it would be a cruel twist of fate if Josh, in turn, was not destined to be his “True Love”™.

This made each other’s past romantic histories relevant. As such, his lament served as a warning about what would inevitably occur. What a miserable thought. Even if he believed in destiny, which he did not, for it to fall apart due to the same factors as every other relationship would be enough to shake one’s faith.

“I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t think it’s possible, no.” As Sean was a telepath and not precognitive, he could not say with 100% certainty, but he certainly had enough experience to inform his opinions.

He shook his head and then turned around, glancing back at the water for a long moment before he added, “The person who cursed you was crueler than you think.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

That was quite the rejection, rejected because he would inevitably be just as incapable of meeting Sean's needs as anyone else. He had no reason to think that he was special there, though; he was just an ordinary human being who happened to have been cursed.

But Sean seemed like he needed to talk about it, and he looked so forlorn and so the attorney asked, " what would it take for someone to meet you halfway?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean was not trying to hurt the other man. To the contrary, he was trying to spare both of them pain and heartache in the future, if and when any relationship that they might start fell apart. The two of them were trapped behind a rock and a hard place in this situation, since supposedly they were destined to be together, and supposedly would never find love apart from the other. Yet such proclamations, even if true, did nothing to immunize them against the typical pitfalls. They remained themselves, with their own needs, expectations, and baggage.

Josh’s question demonstrated the irony of the situation. In response, the telepath shrugged and shook his head a single time. “I honestly don’t know. I’ve never had a relationship that worked well enough to use as a blueprint.”

His first relationship had not been love, not adult love as opposed to teenage infatuation, friendship, and caring, but sadly it had been one of the more successful ones, insofar as long-term potential was concerned. That had been doomed due to attending college in different parts of the country and becoming adults on their own. She had understood him better than several of his subsequent partners, and they had never gotten past second base together.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh folded his arms across his chest, still concerned about all of the things Sean was revealing to him. He had no comments on the fact that Sean's relationships had not worked out; obviously neither had any of his, given that he was currently single. Likely to remain that way, by the direction this conversation was headed and the previous one they'd had immediately after the reversal of his curse.

"Have you ahhh...never discussed your needs with a partner before?"

Even if no relationship had worked out he still expected the other man to have some idea of what he needed, because surely that was the sort of thing that people thought about when getting into relationships. Surely that was the sort of thing people talked about when entering into relationships? Sean seemed like both the talking and the thinking type, and so Josh was surprised that he didn't have any ideas to propose on that front.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean had not said that he had never had a successful relationship; that was evident enough by the fact that he was single without being either divorced or a widower. He had said that he had never had a relationship work out well enough for him to use as a blueprint for subsequent relationships. The implications of that statement went deeper and further than mere lack of success.

“Being a telepath necessitates a level of intimacy and closeness the likes of which most people can’t even conceive, let alone provide. Let alone feel comfortable providing when it’s so far outside of the realm of their day-to-day interactions.” The older man shook his head to himself, turning back around to give Josh his full attention.

“No matter how much I hold back, it never does any good. No matter how many warnings I give to people, they buckle or I grate.”

Another shake of his head, before he added, “Most of the words I have to describe myself and my needs don’t even make sense to other people.” He knew for a fact that the attorney had never heard any of the terms that Sean used in his daily life, and that the younger man was wholly unprepared for what the telepath could unleash.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh couldn't deny any of the accusations Sean made. He'd certainly never been in a relationship with a psychic, and had no idea what that would be like. He didn't know what level of intimacy the telepath required, but perhaps it was too far outside his realm of experience to be workable.

"How close do you need to be?"

He wanted to understand, even if nothing came of the chance that had thrown them into one another's paths. After all, they were friends now.

"Do you need to have scheduled time to talk about problems? A lot of physical touch? Words of affection?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean could tell that Josh was trying. Unfortunately, even the younger man’s guesses and questions demonstrated how unfamiliar he was with these concepts.

“Mental intimacy is important. It’s so important that even when I do everything I can to avoid it, it still happens.” He distinguished mental intimacy from emotional intimacy, which was what most people sought in relationships, as they could conceive of emotional intimacy. They could conceive of being a good match for their partners in terms of hobbies and intellectual curiosity and life experience, but that differed from mental intimacy where telepaths were concerned.

He required a literal meeting of the minds, and most people found that uncomfortable.

At the question, he waved his hand, dismissing the other man’s suggestions. Ideally, yes, he found all of those important in relationships: he was a talker and a listener, and as a matter of both his personality and his job, he considered clear communication to be important. He also valued affection through words and through physical touch. However, he could adapt.

If he had a partner who couldn’t provide some of those, then he would cope. He could not cope with expectations that he cease to be a telepath, even when his partners never articulated those expectations as such.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"What is mental intimacy?" Josh asked, feeling utterly out of his element. Sean was right, after all, he didn't know what dating Sean would get him into.

Not that it mattered. Sean had rejected him already, and he had resigned himself to that. He couldn't force himself onto someone who wasn't interested.