Love is... (Jackson)

[Deleted]

The park was a great place to be. It definitely was whenever the swings were available. This was why Kiara cherished going to college. She could often find a moment to just escape from it all, and have the luck that this usually happened while high school kids and younger ones were at school. Sometimes a sick toddler, spending the day with the grandparents, would be at the park, but that did not appear to be the case today. In other words, she could even pick which of the two swings she wanted this time! Not that it truly mattered, but hey! Lucky day or what?

It was quite nice out as well, so the blond had settled for an outfit that wouldn’t make her melt, yet was also comfortable at the same time. She had considered wearing one of her summer dresses, but it was difficult to justify that when just going for a stroll to the park. Besides, it would make swinging quite awkward. And perhaps it would have been chilly at her legs as well. Oh, and her flats would have gone flying everywhere. Yup, Kiara had definitely settled for the safest option.

Once seated on the swing, hands holding on to the ropes, toes nestled themselves in the mossy underground before she slowly began to swing back and forth without ever losing that contact point. Ki didn’t feel like going too high yet. She was just enjoying the scenery while her mind drifted off. Around here, people didn’t question any sadness visible on her face. They tended to mind their own business, unlike those at college. Kia liked that. It almost felt like the only time that she could stop faking it all.

[Jackson Haynes]

The reasons why he left had been complicated to say the least, and instead of being reasonable, Jackson had left without a trace. Natasha, Gabe’s biological mother, was going to make things difficult for Jackson since he had decided he wanted nothing to do with her, and then had dumped their son in his lap for safe keeping. When he left, it was because he was going after Natasha for full legal custody and rights over Gabe. And no, he didn’t want to be paying anything if and when Natasha got hurt or was disabled, they hadn’t even been married!

He thought he was doing the right thing in keeping Kia in the dark. In Jackson’s mind, she didn’t need to be dragged down with him – this was his mess and he had to deal with it. It wasn’t until after he had been shooting a few gigs that he realized he really couldn’t live without her. Yeah he could exist, but he thought eventually he would get over her. But as soon as he thought he had, Gabe would be asking for her.

The move back to Pilot Ridge hadn’t been easy, but he wanted to see her again. Explain everything that had happened, and he knew that the best place to find Kia would be at the park. He loved her, and he had tried letting her go because he knew she was better off without him. But he wasn’t better off without her. Parking his Volvo in front of the playground, Jackson got out of the car and went to the backseat, unbuckling a very fidgety Gabriel.

“Alright buddy, let’s go play,” he said. Gabe was beginning to look more and more like his dad. Short brown hair, piercing grey eyes. Jackson held his son’s hand and together, they approached the swing set. But Gabe wasn’t to be fooled, and as soon as the little tyke saw Kiara, he went running towards her. Jackson didn’t stop him, he just stood on the sidelines, ready for whatever reaction he might receive.

[Deleted]

The park was peaceful and quiet enough for Kiara to hear the faint sound of car doors slamming. It didn’t draw her attention though. Normal life continued around this beautiful piece of nature, so this was nothing out of the ordinary. What did make her look up, however, was the wobbling spot that appeared in the corner of her eye. A little one running over towards the playground, yet based on his movements, not one who was old enough to venture onto the equipment by himself. It was why the blonde rose in the first, ready to intervene if need be, only to conclude that a parent should be nearby. That’s what led to blue optics scanning until they settled on Jackson.

Within that same count, her body tensed and for a second lungs stopped working as eyes dilated like a deer caught in headlights. Her gaze didn’t linger longer than a few moments though, for realization hit that the toddler rushing over had to be Gabe. It’s when she looked down and over at him, close enough for her to now distinguish the familiar face, that oxygen slipped past her lips in a shaky exhale. And a tentative miniscule step was taken back, able to feel the swing poke against the back of her legs. It kept her from moving, but it did not erase the expression that hogged her features.

She looked at Gabe as if he were the most contagious person on the planet – almost disgusted – and her small movements gave away she wished to avoid contact. Her muscles were still contracted as she kept a straight back and her head high, staring down at the little boy who had finally reached his destination. While Gabe did not cling to her legs, short arms did lift in a wordless cue to be picked up. And Kiara didn’t want to for she knew he was not hers and she was not his. Jackson could erase her from his life again within seconds. But then the little prince spoke.

“Up?”

Walls crumbled, but Kiara felt numb as she slightly went through her knees to scoop hands under his arms. Even a robot might have smoother movement than her. Nevertheless, Gabe was sitting on her arm, only needing a moment to tangle arms around her neck like a real and effortless charmer. In turn Kia slowly brought her free one up, placing it upon the boy’s back as cold eyes lingered on Jackson in the distance. When she closed them, finally able to acknowledge that Gabe was truly in her arms, did she manage to let go of the tension and to pour all her affection into the hug, pressing a soft kiss to the side of his head while holding him as close as possible. 'Hey sweetie," the weak happy chuckle was only for him to hear for Jackson would not receive the same treatment once he dared to step closer.

[Jackson Haynes]

Seeing Kiara on the swing gave Jackson mixed emotions. She was so beautiful, the memories he had of her were fuzzy in comparison to the real person in front of him. He stood stoically at the edge of the play set, his hands in his jeans. He didn’t expect what he saw before him, and he didn’t like the way Kiara looked at little Gabe with near disgust. He hadn’t done anything wrong, and the little boy’s love for her was purest of all. But soon her heart melted towards him, and Gabe was giggling as he reached up and played with her long blond hair.

Jackson took a deep breath, biting his bottom lip as he glanced away and wondered what to do. He had done some stupid things before, but they had always turned out well. Everything had a silver lining, and Gabe was proof of that. But Kiara clearly did not want to be dealing with this right now. Maybe she had moved on? But if she hadn’t, wouldn’t she be flaunting that fact? Jackson knew that he deserved that. He had left without a trace, even though things were going really well between them. So well in fact, that he was ready to propose to Kiara, but life had other plans, and his timing wasn’t perfect. He had kept the ring, and he absently wondered if Kia kept Shelby.

Jackson’s attention went back to Gabe as he squirmed, wanting to be put down again. The little boy looked around for his dad, and when he couldn’t find him, his face began pouting. Sensing he was wanted, Jackson finally crossed the unmarked line and went closer to Kiara. He caught Gabe’s little hands and made him giggle once more. But there was no laughter in Jackson’s eyes, even though he was smiling at his son. “Kia,” he said finally, not sure how else to start, “can we talk?”

[Deleted]

Kiara remembered heading out to class, granting both of them a kiss before disappearing out of the door. She remembered coming back home, calling out for both upon entering the apartment and that no reply came. She remembered looking for them in their bedroom and then the nursery. She remembered spotting an open drawer in there, heading over to close it, only to spot just how empty it was. She remembered rushing into the other room again, tugging open Jackson’s part of the closet that looked as if no one had ever used it in the first place. But most of all she remembered calling him multiple times, unintentionally leaving seconds of sobbing on his voice mail because the emotions and trembling hands made it hard to end the call on time, without him ever answering it or getting back at her. She remembered because her shattered heart still was the strongest evidence of this all. She remembered because it replayed in her head every day and because nothing had ever hurt this bad.

Kiara cherished having Gabriel in her arms again, and despite knowing that it would not last forever, it still stung quite hard when the little one squirmed to be put down again. She carefully complied and rose to stand up straight, attempting to ignore the sick feeling that arose now that Jackson was closing the distance during those actions. While blue eyes lingered on Gabriel, Ki could tell her was near and that ignoring him would not make things any better. Then again, neither would talking.

First of all, he had no right to call her Kia… but she lacked the courage to bring that message across, along with the fact that she couldn’t tell him ‘no’ to his face. “Since when do you solve issues by talking?” Whatever had been wrong between them, Jackson took the easy way out. He simply left without a single word, without a single note. And by now Kiara had accepted the fact that it must have been her fault. She had convinced herself that she had never been good enough in the first place. Not after she had seen Gabe’s mommy and knew what kind of woman Jackson could have in his life.

During it all, Ki never lifted her eyes to look at him, almost as if she were in submissive mode. While he might not realize it, he had shoved her self-esteem deeper than an ostrich could poke its head into the ground. It had been stomped on and left there to rot. “There’s nothing to talk about.” The college student finally added. “That has been pretty clear.” Nothing had mattered nor had been important enough.

“You want to go on the swing, sweetie?” Her focus on Gabe again as she stepped aside. “You can have this one.” She had no need for it anymore, and it was also her attempt to flee this situation.

[Jackson Haynes]

If Kia would just listen to why Jackson did what he did, maybe she would understand. It had been a hard decision, and he definitely did not leave a note. But he didn’t think that she would think it was her fault in any way. No, it was Gabe’s baby momma that started it all over again – Natasha. Jackson didn’t leave America to go after her, he left America to prove to the court systems that he was in fact the more capable parent. He was not going to lose his son because of some crazy ex. And he didn’t want to drag Kia into his mess, she had already done so much. While he was in Europe, Jackson had been offered a high paying modelling job that he couldn’t turn down. At that point he thought Kiara hated him and was over him, and he needed the money.

Baby Gabe wasn’t trying to break hearts, he just wanted to play. Jackson strapped the little guy into one of the toddler-safe swings and sighed. She wasn’t going to get away that easily. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” he carried on, accepting the jab because he did deserve it. “Telling you that Natasha was bringing me to court to try and get Gabe didn’t seem like an option…” It wasn’t that he thought she wouldn’t understand. In fact, he believed that she would be so understanding, that she would give up her own goals in life to be there for them. The little Haynes family. God it hurt too much to think about. Kiara hadn’t been the only one who cried on the phone, as Jackson had when he played the messages. And Gabe had when he kept peeking around bathroom corners, looking for Kiara getting ready in the morning. Things weren’t happy.

Jackson watched the love of his life carefully. “I didn’t want you to give up your dreams for me… For us.” He had low self-esteem too, and hiding behind good looks didn’t always work. He had never really felt like he deserved her. It was better this way, at least now she had a reason to hate him.

[Deleted]

What had Jackson expected? He left without a word and she wouldn’t think it was her fault in any way? As Gabe got strapped into one of the toddler-safe swings, Kiara felt stupid for a second. Of course he couldn’t go on one of the bigger swings, so in turn that made her attempt to avoid this pretty obvious. Eyes lingered on the cute tot as his little hands held onto the bars in front of him. In the meanwhile she did listen to what his father was saying, and it took quite a lot for her to not interrupt him while he tried to justify his actions. Ki actually failed after his first brief statement, muttering a “looks like that didn’t work out as planned then”. Why would his disappearance have hurt, huh? It wasn’t as if her heart had been shattered into a million pieces... It made her wonder if he even thought those words through.

Unable to suppress a bitter snort when the man finished, the blonde dipped her head just enough to enforce the look that gave away she couldn’t grasp that explanation. “And it didn’t seem like an option either to tell me and to ask me to wait for you? To assure me that you would return for me? Because you loved me and I loved you and that’s what you do when you really love someone?” Kiara would have waited an eternity for him if he had asked her to. But her conclusion out of this was that Jackson didn’t care enough. If he planned on telling her otherwise, she hoped that the words that followed would keep him from that. “I see you won though”, a hand faintly motioned at baby Gabe in the swing. “Congrats. Must have been a hell of a trial to have taken around seven months.” He never returned for her right after. And it made her suspicious about his sudden appearance.

It hurt to act like this towards him, but Ki’s pain ran deep enough to be able to deal with the additional hurt feelings as well. When she tore blue eyes away from him, back to the little one, the shaky mixture of an exhale and sob didn’t come out as muffled as intended. “And you and Gabe were my dream, my family. I didn’t have anything to give up because you took it all away.”

Upon hearing his name, the young toddler looked over and Kiara managed to give him a loving smile. “I would have waited for you, Jackson.” Her voice barely above a whisper as a hand reached out to meet Gabe’s as he did so first. She wanted Jackson to know that. To know that she had loved him enough to wait a lifetime if necessary.

[Jackson Haynes]

Jackson wasn’t trying to justify anything, he was just letting Kia in on his thought process, stupid or not. He knew it hadn’t been right, but he didn’t think it through and that was that. Maybe all along he believed that he wasn’t good enough for her anyways. There were moments when he didn’t doubt himself, when he knew that she wasn’t as freaked out by him as he was when he saw himself in the mirror. But there had always been doubts.

Jackson pushed Gabe with a little more gusto than necessary, but the little one only laughed from the heights. “No, it didn’t… I didn’t because I love you.” Maybe it only made sense in his head, but he was trying. That was all he had ever done, was try. But when she said that she loved him, Jackson knew that coming back here had been stupid. Coming back here to try and work things out and apologize had been stupid. In fact, he was pretty sure it was only making things worse. “I’m sorry Kia…”

Pushing Gabe a little softer now, Jackson nodded, a small smile on his face. Yup, he had won. “There was a modelling gig that came up while I was out there, and I thought maybe I could live without you, but I can’t.” So if she was going to turn him down, she may as well do it now and he would disappear forever.

He took the courage to look at her again when he heard the sad sounds she was unable to hide. Jackson stopped the swing, pursing his lips together tightly. “I shouldn’t have made the decision for you,” he said, his heart completely breaking. Jackson had done some stupid things in his life, but he had never done anything so stupid before as the day he decided Kiara was better off without him. Watching Gabe and Kiara interact rehashed old memories he was certain couldn’t be made new.

“I’m sorry for bothering you,” he said, looking down at Gabe, doing his best to keep it together and shield his eyes brimming with tears. “You ready to go bud?” He asked Gabe softly, but his son was too busy smiling up at Kiara. At least one of them felt like they were home.

(OOC: The feels! Click!)

[Deleted]

It definitely only made sense in Jackson’s head. While Kiara could tell that this was not easy on him either, perhaps because his attempt to make her understand was failing, she struggled to grasp his mindset. When he apologized, the weakest of sighs could be heard and optics briefly landed on the man the second the modelling gig got mentioned. That one stung quite badly, and it possibly showed on her face.

“You… you though you could live without me?” It wouldn’t offend Ki if he could though, and there were no intentions of it sounding like she was full of herself. She just didn’t understand how he could think or reason like that if their love had been pure. Jackson made it sound like he made an attempt to forget about her in a very casual way. Or at least that was how the blonde took it – and she was highly sensitive to anything said. “You took a job because of that? You took a job over m-“

Ki kind of shut herself up though. It was his life; he could do with it whatever he wanted to. Hearing herself like that, she felt selfish to expect a decision that she thought should have been obvious. Clearly it had not been, and the young woman knew that it was a good thing that her unrealistic view on love had died when he left.

At least Jackson now seemed to realize that she could make decisions for herself. “You shouldn’t have.” The blonde confirmed as her thumb gently caressed the soft skin of Gabe’s hand as he lightly swayed her arm back and forth. Ki’s reactions were slowly growing cold as inner walls were being tugged up around her heart… until Jackson spoke to Gabe. That was when features fell and her hand slowly retrieved itself from the small fingers as her hand turned to the man.

“Can I still see him?” Her voice had a hint of desperation to it, very well aware that she had no claim to Gabriel. “Please?” It would be a chance for Jackson to keep in contact with her, right? But she would understand if his answer was ‘no’. It might be awkward if he ever met another girl, and Ki spending time with Gabe could get the little tot to see her as his mother again.

(((... *dies* So many feels!)))

[Jackson Haynes]

Why did he have to make everything sound bad? It wasn’t like he was trying to be the bad guy here, it just felt like he was, and judging by the look on Kiara’s face, that was all he could ever be in her eyes. He was the one who had left her without saying a word, and if there was one thing he could redo, it would be to trust in their love enough to know that she would have understood.

“I didn’t want to,” Jackson added in a rush. Man he was digging himself into a hole and pretty soon there would be no escape. Defeated and obviously not getting through to her, Jackson just shut his mouth, lest he make the whole thing worse than it already was. “I want the best for you…” And honestly, he didn’t think that was him. She deserved to be with someone who had more of a backbone.

Simply nodding when Kia agreed, Jackson knew he would leave with his tail between his legs. His disappearance had nothing to do with molting this time. He tried not to look too hopeful at Kia’s suggestion. “Uh,” he cleared his throat and nodded, “yeah, sure. Anytime. We’d both like that.” Not that she could come over or anything, he was still trying to get a place and get Gabe into daycare… “Just uh, just text me?”

Gabe giggled, chewing on the zipper of his jacket as Jackson lifted him out of the kiddie swing. Maybe this wouldn’t be goodbye forever.

[Deleted]

Jackson couldn’t help it. Kiara should know him well enough to know this. To know that his forte was reacting to things without thinking it through twice. At this moment, however, she had convinced herself that she had never truly known the real him, so in turn that led to ignorance of that fact. Or, in other words, he was indeed digging himself into a deeper hole. Especially when he stated that he didn’t want to accept that job over her. He had done so though… and it made her want to skeptically question if someone had forced him to say yes then. Instead Kia refrained, but the look on her face could effortlessly have given those thoughts away.

Luckily Gabe didn’t undergo the same treatment. Every single time eyes settled on him, her features softened to a certain degree. The anger also appeared to have diminished some when Jackson agreed with her request, yet the blonde remained cautious. “Is… it still the same number?” During the first week of his disappearance, she had called him every single day. After that it had become less, and eventually Kiara gave up. Maybe he had changed his number after that to avoid it all together.

When Jackson lifted Gabe out of the kiddie swing, the girl took a small step back. “Where are you staying?” Perhaps he had gotten into contact with their old land lord to move into the apartment again, but she figured that might not be the case since she also knew that Jackson’s furniture had been moved by a storage company so that the place could be rented again.

After that, there were more questions that spun through her mind… Questions that were of no real importance now, yet ones that would make him stay a tad bit longer. She wanted to keep Gabe around, but she also had to let go an one point.

“Be a good boy, little frogie…” Remembering his fascination with frogs, Kiara smiled softly as a finger gently poked his nose.

[Jackson Haynes]

Jackson felt worse and worse by the second, and when she asked him if his number had remained the same, all he could do was nod. After all, maybe she would try calling him again.

Adjusting Gabe’s jacket, Jackson stood up to his full height again to answer the question about his living arrangements. “Planning on finding a flat for us, something with more space.” There were also plenty of baby-proofing devices in the back of his car.

Gabe cooed at the nickname, and Jackson smiled. He began walked away, Gabe trotting behind him, when Jackson remembered something. He turned his head, “Just uh, I’ll tell you if it’s a good time or not. Molting!” That last shouted word received a few stares from some other park patrons and Jackson turned back, focused on getting Gabe into the backseat, and ignoring how gloriously red his face was turning as he got into the driver’s seat.