I Remember You! (Rafael)

[Rafael Soto Vega]

Rafael had realized he'd struck a part of Zach that the man may have not wanted to get into. It was certainly not why he had walked into the coffee shop that day - even the fairly oblivious latino boy could see that much. "I'm sorry if I have brought up something sensitive..." he said honestly, seeing the true sadness and discomfort in Zach's eyes.

Rafi didn't like making people uncomfortable, so he immediately felt bad upon noticing what he had done, but he felt as if he still needed to comment somehow. Especially because of the way Zach had answered his previous question. Usually Rafi just said what was on his mind and it somehow helped people. He couldn't help but wonder why Zach would be sitting around sulking about a failed relationship instead of trying to fix it, or to find something else that made him happy. Rafael's mother always told him that was the best way to go about fixing a bad situation.

"We do not have to speak of it any longer," Rafi said promisingly, "But I feel I must say one thing. You say you are sad because you love him. Which does not make sense to me. Because love is supposed to be the happiest emotion. So... you should really think about doing something to make you happy again."

Zach hadn't explicitly expressed sadness, but Rafi was good at reading emotions. He may not pick up social cues or sarcasm, but he could see sadness in someone's eyes from a mile away. And Zach's eyes looked sad from the moment he walked into the coffee shop. "You just have to do what makes you happy and be with the people who make you happy," Rafael added with a shrug, hoping that somehow his words may be able to help. He had not a clue of the complexity of the relationship Kai and Zach had, and probably never would. Rafael didn't comprehend complex situations well. He tried to keep everything in a nice, simple perspective. And he tried to share that simplicity with everyone - sometimes it was just what they needed. Sometimes they looked at Rafi like he had 7 heads and called him crazy.

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Zach wanted to say it was alright, that he was okay and that Rafi shouldn’t be worried because he couldn’t have anticipated how his words might have affected the writer….but it really wasn’t alright. All of that was true, Zach knew, but he’d been trying to keep his emotions down for what seemed like forever, so much that having them all exposed at once so simply was very near overwhelming. So instead of lying, Zach just…didn’t say anything. If he did, then he knew he’d probably lose what little control over his emotions he had left and explode needlessly at the latino man.

Though at his next words, Zach was actually trying to not blow up at him, like he’d done with Jade. “Sorry, but…this isn’t some book…or movie….where you fall in love and everything turns out perfect.” Zach was speaking through gritted teeth, genuinely upset that Rafael could speak so glibly about another person’s emotions. “I can’t just…pretend that I don’t love him! But I can’t be with him! And that’s why it hurts!” Zach pulled himself back, realizing that he’d raised his voice enough to draw a few stares from other people. “Sorry….”

Really, what was his problem, getting so worked up in front of someone he barely knew? Zach must look pathetic to this person, whining and blubbering about a failed relationship like some teenage girl. Rafi was right, though. Zach should just get over it and move on with his life, do stuff that makes him happy. It sounded simple, in theory. But it was never simple. It hadn’t been so simple with Claudia and her ex. It definitely wasn’t that simple with him and Kai….right?

Zach didn’t even know anymore. What if he really was making too big a deal of everything? “it’s just…not that simple,” he muttered, slumping down a little. “If it were, then there wouldn’t be such a thing as ‘heartbreak’.” Zach shook his head and rested his head down on the table. “Sorry….you shouldn’t have to listen to me complain.”

[Rafael Soto Vega]

Rafi wasn't mad at the way Zach reacted - even if it was a bit snippy. Rafi wasn't even annoyed or miffed by the way the man answered. A smile stayed on the latino face and he shook his head slightly, actually trying not to laugh. "I never said it was simple," Rafi pointed out.

Sure, Rafi didn't know everything about love. He hadn't even been in a relationship he felt comfortable in...well... ever. But his abuela and his mother taught him a lot about love, and people in general. And Rafi believed what he was told as a child could be applied to all situations - all people. "Happiness does not come easy. You must work to be happy," Rafi explained, more as if it were a reminder than an instruction.

"The pain you feel... it means what you have lost was real. But pain begs to be relived and it cannot unless you make all your efforts to restore your happiness.... whether it is your old happiness... or a new happiness that you never thought you could have," Rafi added with a small shrug, offering his view. Because sure, he understood Zach may not be able to fix whatever was making him sad. However, that was no excuse not to search for something else to bring him joy - something else to at least ease the pain.

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Zach felt like an idiot. Of course, he’d been feeling like an idiot ever since he met Kai. Like he wasn’t in control of anything that was going on anymore, not what he was doing, not what he was thinking, not even what he was feeling. And things hadn’t really changed much since Zach decided to take back some of that control and break things of with the other man. And he still couldn’t decide if it was a good thing that he finally put his foot down when it became too much to handle, or if he should have just been keeping on like he was doing, waiting for something to change.

And he didn’t know if his irritation with Rafi was because the hispanic man seemed to so simply dismiss the difficulty of the situation by just telling Zach to “be happy” and “cheer up”. It made him feel like…if he couldn’t do those things, there there must definitely be something wrong with him. Because obviously, if Rafi could suggest them, then it means that it was something he could do…and maybe was just common sense to everyone else. Which in turn meant that Zach didn’t have the same common sense that everyone else did…which wasn’t really helping matters.

Even though, listening to Rafi explain himself, Zach knew he was right…it just felt like criticism for letting something hurt him for this long that someone else probably would have gotten over right away.

“I know it doesn’t,” he grumbled. But really, what had Zach been doing all this time?

Mourning. Moping. Grieving….using his family as an excuse to keep his mind off of it. What had he done to help himself move on? Hang out with his sister and let her push him into social situations. Make up with the woman who triggered their separation and even become friends with her. It wasn’t like he’d been doing nothing….but if he was still suffering, then it clearly wasn’t enough. “Yeah…I get it…” he said, taking a swallow of his coffee to ease his stinging throat.

After a long pause, and much contemplation, Zach finally decided to speak, and with it, take a leap at something. “Rafi, um….sorry if this sounds weird, but…would you like to…um…go out with me…sometime…I mean you can say no, or we can just hang out or something but….uh…yeah, I don’t know what I’m thinking, sorry, forget it…” Zach dipped his head again, covering his face with his hand to hopefully hid the changing color.

[Rafael Soto Vega]

Rafi frowned slightly when it seemed he hadn't helped much, and only succeeded in making Zach more upset - even angry or annoyed maybe. And Rafi didn't like adding to people's grievances. He sat back in his chair, gaze set slightly to the left of Zach as if looking at him was now slightly uncomfortable. But in Rafi's head he just had to think of a new way to help the man he thought could be considered a friend. Though even if he wasn't, he should be helped. Rafael was taught to come to the aid of anyone and anything that may need it. And the look on Zach's face suggested he was in a lot more emotional pain than Rafi could ever understand.

So when Zach asked Rafael if he wanted to go out sometime, he didn't quite interpret it the way that the other man had intended, perhaps. Rafael read Zach's offer as an opportunity to become better friends, he was taking it as another opportunity to cheer up the other man. And between his low level of understanding with English phrases like 'go out' and his increasing investment in the man's well being, Rafi was not even considering the possibility that Zach meant go out on a date.

"Yes, we could go wherever you would like," Rafi said, a bit confused, becuase wern't they out now?

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Zach was especially oblivious and awkward when it came to flirting(especially sober). He’d had to have the people he was engaging with literally spell out what their intentions were before it finally dawned on him that they were hitting on Zach. Like with the Hammel student, Kodi, who practically had to bit Zach before he got it. Or with Noa, who essentially said “I want to have sex” before Zach realized. There were probably even more incidents that Zach was leaving off that list simply because he never got around to noticing that someone was coming on to him.

So to be put in the reverse position was kind of…..surreal?

Zach thought he was sexually retarded, but Rafi was…

Well, he was also foreign and english wasn’t his first language, so that probably had a lot to do with it. Zach lowered his head with a few nervous, breathy laughs. “No…that’s….not exactly what I meant,” he said with amusement. Should he just go ahead an clarify.

“You said….that I should…do something to make me happy. Basically, if I can’t be happy with him then I should…you know, start looking somewhere else.” This all sounded(and felt) so freaking weird coming from Zach’s mouth. “I was just thinking….you’re right. So I thought maybe…that’d be a good place to start….to ask someone…maybe you…out on a date…” Zach could feel his face flushing even more. He thought he must look sunburned by now. “But like I said, you don’t have to. It’s just easier to ask that of someone I already know….” He didn’t even know if Rafi was gay….then again, if he wasn’t, all he had to say was ‘no’, right?

[Rafael Soto Vega]

"Oh!" Rafi said, finally putting the pieces together when Zach said the word 'date'. He was taken sightly aback. Rafi hadn't ever really been asked on a date - except by girls in high school who were obsessed with his accent and the way he spoke spanish. But that didn't count for a variety of reasons. "I apologize. I misunderstood," Rafi said with a nervous, embarrassed laugh. He rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to recover from the mistake.

"Um... yes. Sure. We could go on a date if you wanted," Rafi agreed. Even though he didn't exactly mean for Zach to try and find happiness with him, Rafi realized that it didn't necessarily mean it was an impossible suggestion. And why shouldn't Rafi say yes? He had never gone on a date with someone he actually could see himself... liking more than just friends. Sure, he didn't know Zach well, and the attempt could be a total failure - but if Zach wanted to try something new then Rafi was willing too. You had to practice what you preach.

[Deleted]

Well, now he got it. After Zach pretty much spelled it out for him, though Zach was a little surprised that Rafi even got the message from how stuttery and awkward Zach’s explanation was in the first place. “That’s…that okay,” he reassured his companion. “I get…that happens to me too, more time than I care to admit. Ha ha…”

He wasn’t looking at Rafi for a rebound or to date continuously or anything. Zach wasn’t the kind to be comfortable with asking out someone he didn’t know or had just met, or at all for that matter. Rafi was someone he’d only met once before, but by this point that was enough to make the writer a little more comfortable…maybe…only because Rafi had made such a point of being an ear for Zach to listen to. It was simply a set in the right direction. If it went anywhere from there, then…Zach would deal with it when it came to that.

But now what? “Uh….” Zach looked around awkwardly. “…can you tell I don’t do this sort of thing very often? I, uh…have no idea where to go from here…” Maybe get his phone number? “Maybe we can…make plans for after finals…or something?” Because Zach wasn’t about to interfere with another student’s schoolwork for his own selfish reasons.

[Rafael Soto Vega]

Rafael blushed, more from the embarrassment of needing Zach to practically spell out his intentions than being asked on the date, though that definitely contributed. "I am ... still after all these years... I am not used to the slang and grammar many American's use. I would hate to know if I had been asked on dates before without realizing..." Rafi trailed off, trying to think back in recent memory if there had been any times he accepted or rejected an offer to 'go out' - uneducated on the phrase and it's implications of going on a date.

"You think you do not do this often?" Rafi asked Zach, leaning in a bit to emphasize his statement. "Senor, I have not been on a date since my girlfriend in highschool... and let me tell you what kind of conclusions came out of that relationship," Rafi explained with a small roll of his eyes and a sip of his coffee. It was still hard for Rafi to face completely, and still hard for him to say out loud at times. He was pretty sure he would never be able to tell his mother, and was secretly glad that his Abuela had passed a few years before he had made the discovery. He could not imagine having to keep that secret from her, and he could not imagine the sort of reaction the very religious, traditional woman would have.

"My finals will be done by weeks end," Rafi said. It was Sunday, and his finals were on Monday and Thrusday this week. Then he would be free for the entire summer. He would likely try to find a job to occupy his time, and to start saving up to take the US citizenship exam. And to catch up on rent... "What did you have in mind?" Rafael asked, wondering what exactly Zach wanted to do on this date - because frankly the latino was broke and couldn't afford anything even remotely fancy. He only could afford coffee here because the owner offered him free refills after realizing his financial struggle...

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Zachary managed a laugh. “Well, I don’t. Kai was…” Zach drifted off for a moment before deciding to go ahead and finish that sentence. “Kai was the first person I really dated seriously…and when I say seriously, I mean…at all.” And during that time, Zach had only gotten the courage to seriously ask him out on a date once. And that once had been a disaster.

He considered Rafi’s explanation, but was surprised when he didn’t finish with his ‘conclusions’. “So…what did you find out from that relationship?” Though Zach might have been able to guess by this point, he didn’t want to make assumptions. Zach himself hadn’t been completely aware of his own preferences until he’d gotten together with Kai. A traditional relationship, he felt, still wasn’t outside his realm of possibilities, but Zach had pretty much by now figured out that he just wasn’t compatible with the fairer sex.

“Oh, okay.” That worked good. Zach was thinking they might have to wait a couple of weeks, but if Rafi was free by only next week then that made it easier. Though now the question came of…what would they do? It wasn’t like either of them had much money and…coming up with something to do that didn’t cost a lot of money was actually a lot harder than he thought. Dammit, Kai! He spoiled the poor writer! Zach would hit the stupid asian if he were there right now! “Uh…maybe we could go to a matinee?” Tickets for those were usually under $10, right? If so, then Zach thought he could even afford it for both of them if it came to that.

[Rafael Soto Vega]

"What did I found out?" Rafael repeated Zach's question with a laugh. Better question was what didn't he learn? He learned that relationships were confusing and he'd probably never understand them. He learned that he almost always said the wrong thing. He learned that he was awful at saying no. He learned he was awful at starting relationship and even worse at ending them. But perhaps the most important thing he learned was more along the lines of what Rafael was originally thinking, and the information Zach was probably looking for. "I learned that I am not fit for a 'traditional' relationship," Rafael said, "Because I do not love women in the way you must to be with one."

Rafael loved women. He respected women. He thought women were amazing and deserved so much more than the world gave them. He thought they were beautiful and smart and everything else a man could be too. He just wasn't attracted to them. He couldn't possibly have a long lasting relationship with one.

"A matinee?" Rafael half-asked, trying to remember what the word was. It took him a moment, since it was not a commonly used word in his vocabulary. "Oh, oh a movie," he said, when the information finally clicked. And if he rememered correctly from the times he would tag along to movies with friends, the matinee was at a less popular time, and tickets were cheaper. Rafael was glad this was Zach's suggestion, but was a little embarrassed that his situation only allowed for such. "Perhaps after I could treat you to a traditional Mexican dinner," Rafael offered, knowing he may have to rely on Zach for the movie tickets - since he hadn't had work for a while. He always had enough for food, though, and kept a small garden on the roof of his apartment building for fresh vegetables. It was the least he could do.

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As Zach heard him say it, Zach smiled a bit to himself. Maybe a little bit smug for getting it right. A year ago, he might not have guessed. But now…well, Zach might not be able to spot a gay man across the room, but coming into the realization yourself sure helps on being able to pick up on the signals. Especially in how they react to hearing about it from you. “I, uh….yeah, I kind of know how that is, actually. I…I only figured that one out…about myself….maybe last month?” Zach smiled into a laugh. “Kind of late to be learning that kind of stuff about yourself, huh?” Well, Zach was always a late bloomer. In nearly everything he did.

Zach was mildly amused at seeing Rafi sort through his English in order to understand what Zach was saying. It was…somehow refreshing to see someone that was slower on the uptake than Zach…even if he knew it was only because of the language barrier.

He nodded. “Yeah, a movie. Prices are pretty cheap at the Globe Theater in the middle of the day.”

“That…actually sounds perfect!” he said with a big smile. “I…cannot cook to save my life, so…so that actually works out pretty good, if you ask me.” Now it was just a question of the when and what movie to see. Well…they could figure those out later, right?

[Rafael Soto Vega]

"Last month?" Rafi asked, almost in dis-belief. Mostly because when Rafi had figured it out, he was a wreck for a while. He denied it for months, and to this day hadn't been able to ask a guy on a date. He had only ever been asked on a couple. Including this time. "I admire your confidence after such a short time," Rafi admitted with a tiny laugh, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly, hoping Zach understood what he meant. "It was hard for me at first. And... I'm still a little... uncomfortable when it comes to approaching men," Rafi explained, his attempt to clarify what he was referring to when he spoke of Zach's confidence. "I am not sure I will ever be able to ask a man on a date myself."

Rafi was glad he interpreted Zach's suggestion correctly. He was pretty excited about the notion, as he had not seen a movie in the theater for a long while. And he was equally excited to find that Zach had accepted his offer to make dinner. "I learned to cook from my mother at a very young age. You are in for a treat," Rafi said with a broad smile. He opened one of his notebooks, and grabbed a pen. "I uhm..." Rafi started, scribbling something down in his notebook. "I do not have a cell phone or a computer," he explained... further proof of his financial situation. "But this is my home phone number," Rafael said, ripping the page out of the book, and sliding it to Zach. "And my address... in case you ever wanted to stop by to chat instead," Rafael offered.

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“Thanks…I guess. I..” Zach shrugged. “I guess I just…grew up around really open minded people…maybe?” After all, his little brother was bisexual himself. In high school, he’d been hit on aggressively by a classmate. Even his first time was with his best friend, who was male. Though that was lame, in retrospect. They just didn’t want to lose their virginity to a stranger…and wanted to lose their virginity already like a couple of dumb teenagers. “I mean…I guess it was after the first time I went to The Talk at Hammel that I started thinking about it…and then just…decided that it was something that was out of my control, so I should just not worry about it and be prepared for anything.” That was it really. He hadn’t expected that he would be so incompatible physically with women. Not that they weren’t nice, being with Noa was actually quite nice…it was just…he didn’t really feel the urge to do it again. Not like he did with Kai. He couldn’t even blame it on an emotional issue, because he loved Noa, greatly. “It just caught me by surprise…”

But he knew it wasn’t like that for everyone. “I’m sorry…it’s, um…been difficult for you.” He couldn’t really imagine what Rafi must have gone through with overcoming his sexuality. But he knew it was something that some people had had to go through. “Uh…really…I don’t normally do this…really. You’re the first I’ve even tried…asking…” Aside from Kai, but they were “together” at the time, so it was kind of okay….and still nerve wracking, now that he remembered.

Zach laughed, offering his own smile. “Really? So did I, actually…uh…it didn’t take…” Zach’s mother had tried to teach him when he was growing up, so he knew a little…just enough to make macaroni and cheese from the box. Nothing fancy, the simpler the better.

No cell phone? Well then, that was going to take some getting used to. Zach was so technology oriented when it came to communication. Phones were kind of his bane. “Alright, thanks…!” He’d just have to get used to it. “I’ll probably call before stopping by. I don’t want to impose. Um…can I…?” He motioned with his hand to indicate to Rafi to slide the notebook over. Assuming he did so, Zach would leave his own number(phone and home) and his family’s address. He hadn’t been back to his apartment in ages…. "In case you ever want to stop by..."

[Rafael Soto Vega]

Rafael slid his notebook over when Zach asked, gladly accepting the personal information. He'd add it to the small list he was accumulating on his fridge. "Gracias," the Latino said, taking his notebook back, and tucking it away in the backpack he had brought. "In that case... I suppose I will see you soon," Rafael said with a smile - thinking this was an odd socail interaction, but it landed him a date so he didn't really mind.

He and Zach just seemed to be a bit awkward. That would probably fade.

"I must go now, though," Rafael said, collecting his items. "I have a tutor coming to my apartment to help me with my essays," he said - a slight roll of his eyes. He wished he didn't have to rely on anyone for his grades, but that wasn't an option. "You will call me about the movie, si?" Rafi would have to go to the market before the date so he could get food for dinner.