Leave your veil at the door.

[Lucas Blacke]

So, a few days ago I met this girl. It was during my explore-time, this place is kind of big, too big for my taste.. more places to run though.

Y'know, this is what I like about my diary. I know there's no judging, no witty retorts, nothing to hold me back from being me. Nothing forcing me to act happy and cheerful. Nothing telling me to be what I'm not. No one telling me to smile, to feel happy, to be social. I sometimes wonder why I even bother trying to annoy people. Sure, I'm doing it for the negative attention, right? Anything for attention, right?

I wonder, sometimes, I really do. What if I'm just fooling myself by thinking I can make something of my life when I'm clearly just acting in a futile attempt to make it all worthwhile?

There a only a few things I can come up with that make me even remotely happy, or even forget to think, remember just how shitty my existence is. Music is one of those things. From time to time reading is. The thought of being happy is, but the more I think about what might make me happy the more I think about fucking it up.. my curse, my bane.

One of those things is a someone though, not a something. The girl I met a few days ago.. she makes me smile without me even wanting to smile. She.. somehow makes me both happy and sad.. I.. kind of know it won't last if it even happens, which I don't like thinking about because I'll just fuck it up..

And that is the part that saddens me. Sometimes you need to let go of what you love for your own good, or even the good of the other, but if I think about letting her go I just.. I just..

I don't even really know what she feels, what she thinks deep down. Not what we share, but what we don't share is what scares me. What if, y'know?

What if she feels the same about letting go out of the good of her heart?

What if she doesn't want to let go?

What if she eventually changes her mind.. ab.. abou..

No. That'd be something I couldn't take.

But that's just like me to cling on to the faintest glimpse of happiness.

It all started out as a joke, but she just.. has this.. way about her.. I knew what I felt clearly for the first time ever from the moment I saw her. Like the Carpathians say.

You have only one mate. Every day spent away from that person makes your emotions dull. Once you meet that person, you know it. The air gets sharper, sounds clearer, emotions more intense.

Or like the ancient Greeks once reasoned. That every person is born with 2 heads, 4 arms and 4 legs, but Zeus deemed them too powerful and split them in half, and that from that moment everyone is just waiting for their 'alter ego' - their other I - to make them complete again.

Yes. I think I like that second reasoning. It works, somehow.

So, this girl, Marnie. She like, didn't seem all that annoyed by me, which I have to admit, upset me quite a bit at first. But after some playing around [though she didn't experience it as playing] I felt that there was a reason for her not outright stomping out of the room, or telling me to stop. I felt there was a reason for her being patient. I knew there was a reason for me losing the urge to annoy her.

Now, I'm not saying that I love her. It's too soon for that.

But by god, I think I'm in love with the idea of her.

[Lucas Blacke]

I had a lot of pent up anger, I guess. I mean, hello diary.
For all I know you could be monitoring everything I write down or something. 

I should have a book written about me.

Though that would be one empty book. But enough about that.

So, I mentioned having a lot of pent up anger. Luckily there was someone in the library a while back to help me with that. Though I'm not sure I liked letting go as much as I did, pretty sure it scared Marn as well.

Oh. Marn was there too.

This guy came up to us and called her a bitch. Something I didn't quite like. I got some hits in, sure, and it felt good, but he's still walking around and that bugs me. Not sure if the idea of that should scare me. Pretty sure that idea would scare Marn so I'll keep it to myself I suppose. Unless she finds this. In which case: puppies and rainbows.

But also, and what has been on my mind for a while now is the fact that she has been avoiding me for a while now. I.. don't really blame her, but that doesn't mean I should like it, does it? And as inexperienced as I am, I feel there is going to be a serious talk about this. Apparently I'm not allowed to stand up for the one I love.

See that Marnes? See? I said wrote it down. Points.

I've been thinking about what the consequences of this could be. Taking a small break? Breaking up for real? And if we do break up, are we still going to be friends? I hope so. Though I don't, because that would mean breaking up first.

I wish it were as easy as giving up one thing for the other. Choosing between Marn and fighting. I know which one I'd go for and that'd be that.

It is all so fucking easy in my head! Why can't real life be like my mind?
Oh well, I should take responsibility for what I've done. That's the mature thing to do.

Yup. Mature.

[Lucas Blacke]

It's been quite some time since I wrote in ya, right? You collection of memories you. You like it when I write in you, don't ya? You like it when I drip my ink all over you. You're a dirty book, yes you are, taking it like the filthiest book out there.

I'm done now.

In all honesty though, there has been lots going on.
I mentioned Marnie (See how I called her Marnie and not Marn or Marnes?) and me breaking up, or at least that something had happened that resulted in her avoiding me. And now I can say that I was right. We broke up.

She was my first girlfriend, first kiss, first breakup. This is something you do not easily forget, I think. I don't know if this is because of my ability, but I still see everything about her vividly in my mind. It's like she's not even gone, like she's still here but I'm unable to touch her or talk to her.. almost like a ghost.

I know she's not there though. I'd be lucky if we ended up just being friends. I know I fucked up and I know it took me a bit too long to figure out I needed to fix it. Marnie was my wake up call.

I wonder if she still thinks about me.. I bet she does. You don't forget your first, right? That and I saw Marnie again on her birthday while I was in town with Karalie (I'll get to that part later), I don't think that went over all too well, there was even some tension between Marnie and Karalie.

Maybe she needs a nickname.. Kara? Lee? Kar? I'll get back on that.

There was even more tension between me and Marnie. If I wasn't sure she still thought about me before, I certainly was after that. Marnie and I did end up talking a bit, albeit through texts. I was happy that happened, and though I do know looks can deceive, she came across as pretty cool. But knowing what I've done to her that'd just be a cover for something ominous.. I'd have my luck to blame for that.

How I wish it was all loads easier.. I don't want this to be awkward between us. I miss Marnie('s company)


Now, I mentioned Karalie. She has been pretty much invisible to me, as in, I didn't even know she attended this school. Turns out we had classes together though., Maybe even will in the future. Boy, I like that word more and more when used when I'm talking about Karalie. Future. Future. Almost like it means something, and only the two of us know what.

The moment she made herself known to me I almost melted. Right off the bat. And I know I have that a lot, I see a hot girl, I go crazy. It happened with Adaryn and Axelle, Marnie and that cat-chick, even George, my roommate. But nothing like Karalie. Most of the times the feeling fades after a good talk, a fun run or something, a day or two, but not with her. We've known each other for over a month now, and I still feel the same I did the moment I noticed her.

Yet I didn't notice her. Not all at once. I noticed her eyes, her face, her hair. I heard her voice, and realized that her accent, oh god her magnificent accent, was aimed at me. In that moment I didn't really see her as a random classmate, I saw her as more than that. I knew I needed her, but not like I did Marnie. I needed, and even now..

I need her on an intellectual level, not just physical. We've spent our first days just talking and talking. Where Marnie and I kissed on the first day we met, Karalie refused to and had only kissed me on the cheek on my birthday, which was a month from then. I won't go as far as to say she completes me just yet.

But I do feel more complete.

[Lucas Blacke]

So Karalie again. I mean, hello diary.

Karalie and I went on a date. She mentioned me meeting her parents. I'm not sure what that means but.. I suppose it's good. Seems like my mom and dad did do something good for once. -I'm still not gonna thank them for anything, they could die in a fire for all I care. I wonder.. would Karalie mind it if I replaced my parents with hers? I'd like having parents who care for once, although that whole meta issue kinda gives me goosebumps. If I ever meet them I'm gonna tell them I'm meta.

I still don't get why you wouldn't tell people you're a meta.. if anything it means you're part of the next step in evolution. But.. I dunno.. Maybe she's from one of those backwards families that is anti-meta, and being meta means shaming the family or something, I dunno. Can't seem to shake the feeling of having this huge burden on my shoulders. 'Specially with her. She gets memories through her hands, right? So how in the name of all hell does she hug people? We all know she hasn't hugged me yet, not with her hands touching me or anything.

..I just realized that the whole waiting for marriage thing might have something to do with not being able to touch. At the risk of sounding like one of those horndogs, we do know mouths have a reason beyond just eating and talking, right?

Moving on. I do have the new In Flames album. And my god does it rule. It's no 'Come clarity', but it's awesome. They got their sound back it seems. Bye bye dubstep I guess, and hello In Flames! I especially like the song 'alias'

don't believe the mask, it adapts to any lie.
A perfect 10, when reality caves in.
Don't tell me, tell my ghost.
'Coz I blame him for all I don't wanna know.

I found secrets about, life's undertow.
Let them take me far, away.

We have no idea the emotions this brings rise to. It seriously sounds amazing.
And it aptly describes my life, I guess.

[Lucas Blacke]

'Ello there my dear diary! Long time no talk.

I've been absent for quite a while due to real life and shit. I told you about that letter from my parents, aye? Well, I read it and it turns out they (my parents and my uncle) bought me a house in Pilot Ridge a while back. Apparently my parents care more than they let on and my uncle actually knew about Hammel. What they wanted to achieve though was keeping me in school, which is now the university of Vermont. Fun school, plus I get to see Karalie daily! I know we're done and she hates me for what I've done, but I never did stop loving her. It's kind of annoying.

But back to the letter. They told me some shit about staying in school, the works. Find a job, get a girl, settle and live life to the max or something. Almost makes me wanna ask who Max is, or kill my parents for telling me what to do after all this time. But what got me to avoid hurting them was the fact my uncle was mentioned and the keys that was attached. They told me where I could find the house and shit, and to take care. Ending with "your uncle loves you". The fucking nerve, right? "Hey, here we are but we don't care. Here's a house so you can stay the hell away from us."

Ugh.

BUT the house makes up for a lot of things. And when I finally got to the place it didn't look half bad. It had a shower and stuff, a bed and a tv, fully decorated, 'nuff chairs, fridge and stuff. Kitchen full of appliances.. pretty much all I need. Not to mention it had a bed big enough for two people and a spare room, hell, it was like they wanted to get a point across. That was my uncles doing, obviously.

In there, next to my bed I found a letter that my parents wrote. Find it attached, I cried. I spent a few months after that with my parents, oddly enough. We talked and shit, lots of stuff to catch up on after 14 years for sure. Harsh at first, but it turns out that they didn't mean to upset me or something, turns out I got my ideas from them. "Keep people mad so they stop caring." I told them some stuff after that in hopes they'd change, and as I was going home I thought about my own words for once. Turns out that, in the end I've been helping myself more than them.

Oh, and they left me some money. 500 grand to be exact. Thought I'd say that.

..now, what does a piano cost..?

Aside from the small things I want though, piano and sound things, guitars.. that cost me about 3 grand. But aside from that I had a need for a new car, and I quickly desided on a Dodge Charger. Supercharged it and got some tweaks in there, and it still didn't cost me 100 grand. 'Bout 80 or so. So 400 grand is on the bank recruiting more money and I got like 20 grand lying around the house for.. needs. I should thank my parents, and my uncle. The guy cares for me even in death. My parents.. well.. they know stuff now! Guess the whole sad act of mine is out of the question now.

Speaking of though, I'm not gonna tell anyone about the money because, well, I can just see people being friends with me just for the money. So this is just between you and me, okay? So try and make sure no one reads you, please.

But that's not really the point of this entry. It's about school, which I don't really like but the people are fun. Okay I missed a few days, but did anyone really miss me? Those 2 or 3 days? Mention being sick and get like 1 week. Oddities. I dunno.

My accent does a killer job though, but my rep at Hammel haunts me. I know I've been a dick in the past, but I wanna change that. But I do wonder why everyone keeps judging me on what I have done in the past. The only one who may do that is Karalie. I really wronged her and now she needs to see me day in and day out. I really respect her for keeping her cool around me. Maybe she's keeping up appearances to keep people from wondering though, wouldn't entirely surprise me.

All in all school ain't bad though. And actually learning ain't that hard either. I'm trying to stop all the cheating, in and out of school.

Bah.. changing is hard when people keep reminding you of your flaws.[/i]

[Lucas Blacke]

Dear Lucas, we know it has been a bumpy ride throughout the years, and we do not ask for you to forgive us. Just.. know that while it may seem not to, we do care, your father and I. Me a little bit more though.

Tsh, I know where I got my jokes from.. My dad, 'cause my mom still has 'em! Also points to be awarded for the understatement of the ages, they don't really know the meaning of a bumpy ride, do they? My years with them were about as bumpy as a car without suspension driving through an underground cave with bears mauling at your face and- I digress. It does feel good to hear them admit it though, that much I will say.

If you don't like us.. well, that would only be for the best.

They sound like me. Wonder if it has any meaning beyond that though.. like, do they have something they don't want me to know? Is my uncle a zombie? That would be so cool. Or a sister! Oh my god that'd be epic! Finally someone to be a role model for. Now only if that sister thing was real. Or brother. Or both.

Anyway, it's weird that we have you reading this letter right? After handing over keys to a house you don't know. Pretty funny if you do end up reading this, if you think about it. But your uncle and us decided that just a house wasn't going to cut it for you, so we kind of started saving up some money to give to you on your eighteenth birthday, or whenever you read this.

So.. yeah, they saved up money for me to have on my eighteenth, great. But the part after that.. or whenever you read this how far in advance did they write this? I was wondering why they said my uncle loves me in the present tense.. this is where the feelings start to come in. For me, anyway.

No idea how much it is, but we all think you deserve it. And some of us know you do. Like the house. It'll be old by the time you get it, but so will we. And hopefully you will have aged accordingly. Maybe have a nice girlfriend, or boyfriend. Have them move in with you, use the house you have, pamper them. Make them happy with a guy like you.

Happy with a guy like me isn't in the package I offer, mom. History has taught me as much.

Seeing you here in your little bed.. I have no doubt they will. You're just the cutest. And call it maternal instinct, but I don't see that changing in those seventeen years leading up to your eighteenth birthday. My only hope, is that you sometimes, when you are older and have read this letter, will visit your old, old mom and dad. I'm sure your uncle would want to see you too.

I wanna see him too, you have no idea..

You know how to reach us, we will make sure you'll keep up to date on our whereabouts one way or another.

Oh and son, know that even though they are taking you away, your dad and I both love you.

And that was how I completely forgot about the 500 grand they had given me, and was stuck thinking I judged them poorly all this time. To have done this before I could even speak..

Slugger, this is your dad. I stole the letter from your mom and am adding a few things. One, always wear clean underwear. Two, always shave. We Blackes are a hairy bunch. Three, use a condom-

No, I'm just joking. There'll be plenty of time for rules later. For now, know that your mom is right. Just know that I'll be expecting to play catch when you come over, you play catch, I'll play catch and we'll both catch up. Sound like a plan?

Oh and Lucas, I love you.

PS: Please do use a condom! Unless you REALLY like her of course.

Thanks, mom.
Thanks, dad.

[Lucas Blacke]

So.. here I am again, with a pen, writing and shit. Not sure on what to write really, guess I'm just killing time or something. Don't even know what I would be killing time for, but I am.

But as per usual I do have something to mention. Stuff happened, and I don't know if it's good or bad or how I should feel about it.. like, I spoke highly of my parents, but before that I loathed them, and right now I'm starting to loathe them again.. I honestly don't know what to feel anymore. It's like they give me something to be happy about only to follow up by doing someth..

Is this how girls feel around me? Specifically Marnie and Karalie? Maybe even Anthy that one time.. oh god.. I really am a product of my parents aren't I? What I do to people my parents are doing to me.. I knew it sucked, and I also knew it hurt both parties in my case, but they took it to a whole new level. Like I want to like them but keep finding reasons not to..

So much for not having anything to write about, huh? But as long as I am writing about something I think I should also include the more positive things about my life, if there are any.

First off, Marnie and me. Things really do seem to have been fixed between us! Now we're not together or something but we're talking like friends do. Something I have been ready for for quite some time but Marnie wasn't, I think. But yeah, things are going okay between us.

Not so much with Karalie though. Or maybe they are, I don't know, but I haven't seen her in the longest time. I think she's still in Pilot Ridge, but I can't be sure. She either moved back to.. where was she from? Oh right, Mississippi. Family from Jackson and house in Mendenhall. So either she moved back to Mendenhall or she is doing a hell of a job avoiding me and everything around me.

I did meet someone else though at a party. A fun but little up-tight girl. She calls herself Live and actually reminds me of Zoelle, and that was what got me talking to her in the first place. Maybe I should tell her that.. that I only really talked to her because she helped me get over Zo. I can see myself falling back to the Luke I was back then though, seeing as the very first night Live and I slept together we actually slept and didn't do anything else.. I think, anyway. But Zo and I did the same eventually, and then I fucked it up.

I definitely do not want to be that guy again, no matter what the cost.

Oh and I miss my night light.

[Lucas Blacke]

So I've been re-reading my journal entries and holy fuck am I sad. Whining on and one about things that were and could have been instead of looking at what I have! Which I am the first to admit pales in comparison to the shit my past has been filled with, especially so since new years made me think it over again for some reason.. can't years like.. I dunno, seamlessly do.. shit. I dunno. I know what I mean.

Ugh, even writing is a chore nowadays, new year new chances my ass! It's.. I'm like.. okay, I was gonna make this entry a sad one, get everything out there, Marnie, Karalie, Zoelle, Anthy, Live, yadda yadda yadda, everything about how it makes me feel bad and what they do to make me feel bad and that I somehow still keep hanging out with them.. How often have I used that same excuse over and over again? ''Oh but I knew a girl and she was the love of my life and I fucked up so I'm not even gonna try'' Bullshit.

I'm here to say (or write, hold your tits) that this is a new year and there are going to be new chances to be had, maybe not all as good as they could be but chances none the less. I'm young, still lots to learn, why not start instantly? Yes I can have fun while I'm young, but who says I can't also make sure my future is fun?

I need to change.. goddamn..

(underneath the entry is a small list hastily added)