The Color of Magic (Kai)

[Deleted]

Backdated to May 20, 2014

Zach stared down in disbelief at the book in his hands. The package had been for him. Fed-ex’d from a Mr. Roen, so it said on the package. When he saw the same, a tickle bounced up in his stomach from wonder and expectation, along with a twinge of fear of what this “gift”, as he assumed it was, could mean. What was Kai thinking? Was this how he tried to “win” back the writer’s heart after Zach had already asserted that they weren’t going to be anything more than that?

It’d been about two weeks since the long, agonizing era of not seeing Kai had been broken finally, with the younger man finding himself in the hospital over a bad allergic reaction to a bee-sting. Zach had been hesitant to at first, but eventually(and slowly) worked up the nerve to meet Kai face-to-face to have a very much needed talk about the standards and boundaries of their relationship. They had decided, much to Zach’s relief and dismay, to remain “just friends”. Nothing more, nothing less. And that line wasn’t to be crossed…at least for the moment, though that part wasn’t spoken out loud, because Zach still didn’t know if that was going to be a possibility. Even if he wanted to.

But this package…this book…what was it supposed to be? What was it supposed to mean? he thought as he held it between his hands. His favorite author. His favorite book series. Zach didn’t think that Kai had been listening when he droned on about his books. Which was why he stopped doing it eventually. What’s more…this wasn’t supposed to be released until next month!

Why?

The gesture alone made his heart ache, but the connotations that it brought made it ache even more. Zach had opened it long after the delivery man left. He’d let it sit on the mantle for a good half-hour before working up the nerve to finally open it. And now…he set it on the coffee table in the family room and continued to stare at it, contemplating any hidden meaning the gift may have as he sat forward on the couch.

It would be at least another hour before he tried to open it.

[Malachai Roen]

Being a rich bastard came with certain... Perks. For example, networking. Kai could boast (and probably had) that he had numerous connections with somewhat powerful people, mostly through his parents. It was very convenient when one wanted something that would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to obtain on one's own.

For example, a book that wasn't set to come out for a good few weeks longer.

It had taken some phone calls, a large portion of money, and promises not to spoil anything for those who had yet to read it, but Kai had finally managed to get ahold of a copy. While Zach thought that the younger man hadn't been paying attention, Kai did pick up bits and pieces here and there, and it was hard for him not to learn who the writer's favorite author was and find out when the next book was coming out.

He'd shipped it to Zach's home, keeping track of when it would arrive with the tracking number. When he saw the day it had arrived, Kai couldn't help it - he had to go over there and see his reaction.

He desperately hoped Zach wasn't mad. Kai wouldn't put it past him, though.

With plans of a 'friend' date in mind, he drove over to the man's residence and knocked, rolling on the balls of his feet with slight anxiety. When Zach answered, he would offer a nervous smile and a small, dorky wave, looking much, much better than Zach had seen him last - stubble trimmed, hair combed, and nothing left from his bee sting but a stubborn, reddish rash around his hand and a little of his forearm. "Hey," was all he said.

[Deleted]

Mad..? Was Zach mad?

Words could not accurately describe the cesspool of emotions he was feeling right now, and “mad” was probably the least of them.

No, it was pretty prominent, but overall, Zach didn’t know what he was supposed to be feeling over the receipt of this book. Until he knew exactly what Kai was thinking with this gesture, Zach was holding off on letting any of those tentative emotions overtake him. He didn’t…want to make assumptions. Because that would just be setting himself up for disappointment, if he read into it too much. Kai was stupid rich. And stupid. He would take a person he hardly knew on a trip to Paris for a first date. Something like this certainly didn’t mean anything…right?

Zach sighed again as a knock came at the door, mildly irritated because he didn’t want to be bothered just yet in his contemplations. It was probably Kailin’s boyfriend or JJ’s friend or someone else’s friend coming to call. Seriously, where was everyone? Was there nobody else around to answer the door?

Zach stood slowly from the couch and stepped across the family room into the entry-hall. When he opened the door, Zach had to keep himself from impulsively closing the door in a wave of panic.

He was here.

Zach was not expecting that. Seriously, what was Kai thinking? Why was he here?

These questions swirled through Zach’s mind as he stared at the tall man standing on his stoop, looking a lot better, gorgeously better than he had back in the hospital. Hey he almost said before he stopped himself. No, this was no time to be getting a case of wonderlust. He crossed his arms and scowled. “You could have called,” he accused. What kind of person just dropped by like this unannounced?

[Malachai Roen]

Kai saw the surprise and what seemed like panic cross over Zach's features once the door opened. He cringed slightly, looking towards the ground, already wondering if this was a bad idea. All of his previous cockiness around the older man had vanished, leaving him only a sort of shell of his past self. He was absolutely terrified of pushing him away again.

"I... I could have," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. "I should have. I'm sorry." Yes, the ever-confident Roen was already apologizing, kicking himself for not doing just what Zach suggested. Then again.... Would Zach have wanted him to come over at all, or would Kai have even been allowed that? He didn't know.

He risked a look up again. "Did you, ah... Did you get the book?" Even though he knew it had arrived at its destination, he didn't want Zach to know he'd been tracking when it would arrive. Kai held a hand up, as though expecting a rant, and added,"I didn't give it to you because I expect anything. I just.... Wanted to do something nice. That's all." It wasn't because he was hoping for sex, or even making out, or anything. Yes, he would love if that happened, but that hadn't been the point. "So, please.... Don't accuse me of that just yet." He managed a weak smile. "Can.... Can I come in?"

[Deleted]

Zach expected Kai to toss out some excuses in an effort to convince Zach that it was fine and okay that he was here so suddenly but…when he didn’t, Zach felt like…like he really was making mountains out of mole-hills. Though it was true, if Kai had called ahead to let Zach know of his approach, Zach would have told him to…come on another day…but then why was Zach keeping his time free if not for…?

It really was just easier when Kai pushed himself into Zach’s life without permission. It was so irritating but…if Kai hadn’t come today, Zach didn’t know when he’d have gained the incentive to contact him on his own.

“I did,” he said with a suspicious look, opening his mouth to, expectedly, ask what Kai was expecting him to ask. The younger man stopped him, however, and Zach snapped his mouth shut, now somewhat irritated that he was prevented from going on his very well, though-out rant. “Thank you,” he said instead, once Kai had finished explaining.

Zach thought for a brief moment, his eyes falling to the welcome mat and the shoes that were on it, before flitting back up to Kai’s with a nod. “Yeah….okay,” he said, still nodding slightly. Zach stepped back as if to invite the tall man inside, his heart fluttering a little bit as Kai brushed past him, and the thought of whether his siblings were home surfacing and making his heart thrum even more. “Just uh….” he mumbled, closing the door and gesturing towards the family room where he’d been sitting a moment before. “Over there.”

[Malachai Roen]

Yeah.... This entire situation was difficult. Kai could be too pushy, and Zach could be nowhere near pushy enough, and... While Kai used to think it was a good, equal balance, he now thought that him going back to being too pushy would end up just pushing Zach away again. But.... If he didn't try at least a little, then they would never get anywhere!

Breathe, he told himself. This was a much better situation than they'd been in a month ago. This was progress.

He smiled at the thanks, having seen Zach's lips part in a predictable rant. Kai was glad he'd been able to squeeze in his say before he could. "Yeah.... It's no big deal," he replied with a shrug. "I... I hope it's what you wanted. I was pretty sure that's who you said your favorite author was, so I just looked him up and... Yeah." He shrugged again, grinning sheepishly. "As much as you may think so... I didn't always turn a deaf ear on you." He blinked, then corrected himself. "I... Never did."

Phew. At least Zach was letting him in and not making him leave. More progress, right? Kai stepped inside as Zach moved aside to give him room, unintentionally brushing his arm against the shorter man's. "Okay," he agreed easily, peeking around as though expecting a sudden twin explosion or something as he walked to the family room. He sat down on one of the chairs, deciding it might be awkward if he took a couch and made Zach decide whether to sit next to him or not. "So, um..." Kai lifted his hand (the one that was still recovering from its rash) and scratched at his scruff as he looked at the floor. "I was wondering if you might... Want to grab a coffee or something." Again, before Zach could protest, he went on,"Just... Just a coffee. No going back to my place, or... Or any expectations, or anything. Just... Hanging out."

Kai swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing visibly. "Wh.... What do you say?"

[Deleted]

Zach nodded. “Yeah…I was going to get it myself…when it came out.” Now he felt bad for assuming that Kai was never listening. That’s what he accused Kai of back at that encounter in the library. “Thank you,” he said quietly. Zach just…had nothing. As usual, Kai just forced something so grand on the writer but this time it was to prove something completely different than he expected. And Zach…didn’t know whether to be angry or just appreciate it.

Their relationship before, with Kai pushing and Zach just taking it with a disgruntled rant…it wasn’t terrible. Zach enjoyed it. It….worked for them at the time. It was just when the insecurities started getting too high that Zach started to really freak out. Zach was just far too jealous a person to deal with Kai constant flirtations with everybody that wasn’t Zach. And while Kai had promised to never do it again if they got back together….Zach didn’t know…he just didn’t know if it was worth all the worry and mistrust he had for the younger man if he gave him another chance. It was Kai…but it was Zach too….Zach had issues he needed to work through and he didn’t see that happening if they got back together so quickly. Though at this point, Zach wasn’t certain they would get back together at all. After all, was Kai really expected to wait around for Zach to stop being so….scared? No, that was ridiculous. It was better if they just stayed friends and tried to move on. And if they ended up with someone else, then that’s what happened. It would be…hard to see that but it was probably for the best.

Zach wondered if Kai understood that. He had to, Zach had made himself clear at the hospital. Though…Zach saw how Kai purposefully sat on the chair instead of the couch, making it impossible for them to sit beside each other. On purpose. That meant…didn’t he want to sit next to Zach anymore? It hurt, the idea that Kai really had moved on and really was just being the nice friend that Zach had asked for. He wondered how far he’d moved on…if he and Vanessa had become something more yet? Or if Kai had finally found someone else once he realized that he and Zach weren’t going to be more than friends anymore. Or maybe that’s why he agreed to it, because he wanted to assert that he was moving on. After all, Kai was the one who suggested just being friends…

Zach sat in the spot he was in before on the couch, in front of the book that Kai had gifted to the writer. Zach…had to keep himself from looking too excited when Kai posed his question, and it was a good thing he did too. Oh, right. Just as friends. Just coffee. Nothing else.

That was fine.

Zach nodded, taking a swallow of his own. “Okay,” he agreed softly, but then he brought up a finger before Kai could get too excited. “But! It has to be a place where I can afford to pay for myself.” He wasn’t going to let Kai pay for him anymore. That was a boundary he needed to make clear right now, before they tried to do anything.

[Malachai Roen]

Kai tried not to let himself feel smug over Zach's obvious embarrassment over the assumption that he never listened. No... He didn't feel smug. Just... Relieved that he didn't somehow end up making Zach angrier somehow. "Yeah... Don't mention it," he replied, equally as quiet. He was just glad it seemed like he'd made the right choice.

If Kai was being completely honest with himself.... He desperately hoped they would get back together eventually. He hoped it wasn't obvious; that was why he was trying so hard to keep up the 'let's just be friends' deal. It had become clear to him over the... What, couple months? that they'd been apart, that he'd realized how desperately he missed the writer, not just his company, but... His confession of love. Kai... Wanted to hear that again. That Zach... Still loved him. That he wasn't the only one stuck with that emotion in the pit of his chest, unable to say it, only able to just... Do his best to be there for the older man and hope it would be enough. But already, Kai's habit of flirting with everyone he found attractive had just... Vanished. Sure, he'd given Vanessa a kiss or two here and there, but that wasn't... That wasn't what he had had with Zach.

Still, he sat on the chair so Zach would know he wasn't trying to be pushy. Kai wondered if he imagined the upset look on Zach's face; his heart twisted painfully. No, this was for the best. Over here, alone, he couldn't do something dumb, like wrap his arm around the writer or kiss him on a whim.

When Zach agreed to his offer, Kai straightened, relief coloring his features so obviously that Zach could probably see it. "Great," he breathed. Before he could say more, though, his eyebrows rose as Zach continued, and he let out a small chuckle. "O... Okay. That's fair," he agreed grudgingly. Kai really liked spoiling Zach, and he had the money to do it, but... If that was what Zach wanted, then that's what he would do. "Starbucks, then?" He fiddled with his hands in his lap. "I have my car parked out front, I could drive us there. Um, and wherever else you want to go, I... I don't have anything planned this afternoon, so we can do whatever."

Was that too much? Nah... Friends hung out all day sometimes, right?

[Deleted]

Of course Zach still loved him. Zach didn’t think he could ever not love the arrogant, irritating man that was Kai. But that’s what made it so hard to let himself be more than friends. It had been too easy to let himself get hurt that way. Going back into that with the worry and uncertainty, Zach was sure to get hurt again, or so he convinced himself. At least if they were just friends, then there weren’t any kind of expectation towards one another. That much was understood between both of them. And this way, they could still be around each other without those expectations. And then if one of them happened to get together or hook up with someone else….? Well…at least then, Zach knew he absolutely had no right to be upset over it, since he didn’t hold any sort of claim over the younger man…

Would he be able to handle it if such a thing did happen, though? Zach wasn’t sure he wanted to find out…no, he’d just have to deal with it. Clearly, Kai had moved on, Zach should too.

So yes, it was a good thing Kai sat in the chair. Help him get the message and move on. And it was true, thinking about it now, even it they had sat next to each other, and Kai tried something with the writer, Zach would have just used it as an excuse to push him away. So…it was…good…

When Kai seemed to relax after Zach agreed to go out…a small smiled formed on his lips, so small that Zach probably didn’t even know it was there. Zach nodded. “Yeah…that’ll work.” Starbucks was simple and quick and easy. While Zach was a little apprehensive about riding in Kai’s car, even he knew refusing to let Kai drive would be taking it too far. “I don’t either but…umm…why don’t we just get the coffee…for now.” And then figure out what to do next later…maybe while they were enjoying their drinks? Simple and easy. Just one step at a time.

[Malachai Roen]

Kai had done anything but move on. He was so caught up on Zach that the stupid writer was always the last thing he thought about when he fell asleep, and the first name in his mind when he woke up in the mornings. No matter how long it went since their last romantic encounter, it was the same. And there were no signs of it fading at all. But Kai couldn't do anything about it than just... Wait and see how this played out. He had to have hope; that's all that was keeping him going, and able to interact with Zach now without just forcing him into kisses and touches that he knew would make the older man swoon but would end up hurting them both in the long run.

Yep... That's what Kai told himself. He really hoped it wasn't obvious how much he was struggling not to try to push them back into their old ways. Was that... Was Kai's self-control... Created through his love for Zach? His need for him to be in his life, no matter how, or what the cost? How ironic and unfair was that?

"Okay..." he breathed with a nod. One step at a time - at least Zach was accepting his suggestion. "I... I mean, we can go now...?" he suggested as he slowly stood again, motioning out front. "Unless you'd, you know, rather just stay here and read your new book," he chuckled quietly. At the initial turn-down of his suggestion to do something afterwards, Kai's stomach shrunk a little, but he forced himself to nod again. Baby steps. "Alright, that sounds good."

Kai began meandering back to the front door and, assuming Zach came after, opened the door for the older man. Yes, he just had to be courteous; it was something that had been pounded into him from a young age. "How's, um, your writing coming along?" he asked, trying to make light conversation.

[Deleted]

Zach almost felt like rolling his eyes over how careful Kai was being…that was it right? It wasn’t just that he was as apathetic as he seemed? Or that his awkward was there just because he didn’t actually want to be there? No, he wouldn’t be there unless he wanted to be, so…being friends was clearly all Kai wanted, nothing more.

Nothing more….

Sigh….

Zach nodded. “Yeah, now is okay.” After all, Zach didn’t have anything else to do. On purpose. In expectation for something to happen that he didn’t have any proof that would happen but it did actually happen though didn’t happen exactly how he expected/not expected it to happen. Zach followed Kai’s lead when he stood and held his hands out loosely. “I have…a lot of extra time these days. I can read it then.” Because who knew when Kai was next going to have time, he always let himself get so busy.

Was Kai taking summer classes? It sounded like something he’d do. Zach wasn’t because he enjoyed his summers. That and there was the family vacation they had every year in July, so he wouldn’t have time for summer classes anyway.

“Thanks,” he muttered with a small smile. Someone was home right? Just in case someone wasn’t, Zach turned back as soon as Kai had closed the door behind him and turned the key in the lock. “It’s…coming along,” he said as a sort of cop out. It had been and it hadn’t. It started coming along a little bit better after he finally saw Kai again, but it gradually dwindled into a snail’s pace again. He’d mostly been watching TV lately as he kept his laptop at the ready to write all of two sentences.

“Uh…” he started as they approached the car. “How’s your…..hand…?” The bee sting.

[Malachai Roen]

"Having free time is nice," Kai replied, a little dreamily. Between work and... Work, he still didn't have a lot of his own. "I'm, um, I've been working on this modeling project at work," he mentioned, almost with embarrassment. "You might've seen the fliers around. I'm... Really excited for it, we had a really good turnout." He could practically smell the promotion he was going to get afterwards. "But... Yeah, it's been eating up my time," he sighed. Kai had purposefully set aside time today for this meeting... Not that he would tell Zach that.

He was still working on thesis stuff too. Kai vaguely wondered if Zach would be willing to help out on research, but he thought it was too soon to ask.

"That's good!" he replied with enthusiasm. Kai almost asked about the sex scenes he 'knew' Zach was writing in it before he stopped himself and ended up just opening his mouth and quickly shutting it like an idiot. "I'd, um, still like to read it someday, if you'll let me." Kai was not a book person by any means, but if Zach wrote it, well... He had no choice.

"Mm? Oh," the younger man glanced down at his hand and lifted it up for Zach to see. The skin was still red and swollen around the sting area, and the faint rash still ran up his arm, but it looked much, much better than it had before. "It's healing fine, thankfully," he said softly. Kai unlocked his car and popped open the passenger side for Zach before going over to his own side and sliding inside. Of course, his car was the kind that stood out blaringly in this sort of neighborhood - who would expect anything different?

As soon as Zach was buckled in, Kai revved the engine and took off. He wondered if he should risk mentioning... "You know, I've, uh... I've been working on my thesis, it's about meta-human biochemistry," he mentioned, trying to seem casual. "It's been really interesting; I've been taking samples and tests with different metas, but I need to do some more research." Subtle enough?

[Deleted]

“Yeah…” It gave him plenty of time to…think about things he shouldn’t be thinking about too much. Things he needed to distract himself from. His family offered quite a bit of distraction, but it was honestly not nearly enough. “Modeling?” Zach looked confused. “Isn’t your face already plastered enough over the walls at the store?” Zach didn’t understand the point. He didn’t know that it was a competition featuring amateur models from around town.

The degree of Kai’s enthusiasm immediately clued Zach into what Kai was probably thinking and his face dropped into a small frown to reflect that. “Yeah…maybe someday. When I actually finish.” His book was an incomplete work. Even if he wasn’t self conscious about the scenes that he knew Kai was going to hone in on, Zach wasn’t sure he was ready for anyone to read it, at least not until he was satisfied with the end result.

Zach winced a little upon seeing the rash and swelling. It looked like it had been pretty bad, actually, though Zach didn’t have any allergies so he wouldn’t know what it was like. “That’s…good,” he said, stepping inside the car that he knew too well and had gotten used to riding around in during the time that they were….together…

He sighed as he sat back in the seat and the car started moving. “Oh yeah? That…sounds pretty interesting.” And it actually did. And Zach was actually surprised. Kai rarely ever talked about what he did in the lab…probably because Zach didn’t understand any of it and ended up tuning it out after too long. “Are you getting enough volunteers?” he asked. It was a general question, though. The thought of volunteering himself hadn’t even crossed his mind.

[Malachai Roen]

Kai gave a sharp laugh at the question, unable to keep himself from nudging against Zach's shoulder with his own. "That's the point," he chuckled. "It was a contest to get some new faces up. I think people are tired of mine." He just wanted to give some youths the chance to model and feel proud of themselves, as well as see their own faces on the walls of a high-end shop. "We're doing the photoshoot soon, you could come watch if you're, uh, interested at all." Kai had no idea if he was.

He glanced over as Zach seemed to droop slightly, and frowned a bit in response. "I think it's pretty damn amazing you're even trying," he went on. "I'd never even be able to write a chapter of a novel. I... Don't really have the imagination or stamina." Writing papers for school was hard enough. Kai would rather spend all day in a lab collecting data than write an essay.

Kai dropped his hand again and nodded. "Yeah," he said with more enthusiasm than he felt. "Damn thing. It would look even better if I'd had my stupid EpiPen with me." No way was Kai going to tell Zach what had been going on in his mind when he'd gone to the gardens in the first place. "I have it in my car now," he added, as though expecting Zach to ask if he was being more careful.

He kept his eyes on the road as he drove, glancing over occasionally at his passenger. "It's really interesting," he agreed, grinning. "I'm... Actually hoping my research will help me get a job at Hammel's labs," he admitted. Kai felt there was a lot to research when it came to meta-humans, and Hammel seemed the best place to perform it. At the question, Kai looked over briefly before eyeing the road again. "I've gotten some," he responded, turning a corner. "I think people are intimidated, though. It's not bad, really, just some blood samples and other things. Why, are you volunteering?" Even though Zach wasn't, no way was Kai going to turn away an opportunity.

[Deleted]

Oh. “Ohhh,” he said, finally realizing what was going on. “Yeah…I’ll bet. I mean, it’s not like your face is….” Absolutely gorgeous. No, Zach had to force himself to stop thinking like that…

How depressing. If this were before, then Zach would have had no problem insulting Kai’s face. Or his arrogance. Or anything about him. Now…Zach felt like he had to be stupidly careful of his words…because…he didn’t know where the line was. Was it too familiar to continue treating Kai like he had before? How did he treat him before anyway? Looking back on it, Zach had actually been pretty…mean….he probably shouldn’t do that anymore. “Uh…thanks, but I think I’ll pass,” he said cautiously.

“Thanks,” he said, accepting the compliment with a shy smile. “Though, I’m sure you could if you try. I mean…well, you have to, um…write papers all the time anyway, right?” Though Zach didn’t know if that was the same or not. He’d never really had to write a technical paper.

Zach breathed out a faint laugh. “How…” How could you be so dumb..? Again, Zach held back on his teasing. “I guess, you’ll be more careful in the future now, right?”

He kept an ear on what Kai was saying about his research. “Oh, as a researcher there?” Of course as a researcher, dumb question, Zach. When Kai asked him if he was volunteering, Zach blinked. “Uh…” Was he? Would he? Could he? ……should he? It would be a good opportunity to spend some time with Kai, and would also help him out with something that Zach normally wouldn’t be able to do. Zach knew nothing about Kai’s research and just science overall. “I, uh…I guess I am…I mean, if it’ll help..I could do that.”