Screaming On The Inside (Cupper)

[Deleted]

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation

It was a dark and stormy night...which is a lie, because it wasn't the night which was dark and stormy, it was the inside of Oriel's head. He couldn't take it any longer. He felt like he was going to explode at something that didn't deserve it if he stayed cooped up in the dorms any longer, without being able to see his Phoenix. He paced back and forth in his room, trying to keep himself....fuck it, it wasn't working! Fuck it!!

Oriel grabbed his shoes, not even bothering to put them on all the way, and climbed out his window, barely using any effort to do so. His hand stung, as it was still sore from punching the concrete about a month ago, but he paid it no mind. Hell, he was about to do it again, with how mad his head felt right then. He didn't even care that it was after curfew, that he was probably going to get detention for it, that he was no doubt just making things worse for his situation with Phoenix. They weren't going to let Oriel see him again anyway, so what did it matter what he did? If he wasn't going to be allowed to see him, then what did it matter if he ran off, or disappeared. Or died in a ditch somewhere. They'd probably be grateful for that, actually. No more having to deal with that troublemaker Oriel, who just made all their lives difficult. He wouldn't change, wouldn't cooperate, couldn't do anything right, hell, he didn't even try! With him gone, they didn't have to pretend that they gave a shit anymore...

That's what he was thinking as Oriel darted down the road from Hammel into the small town, like he'd done so many times before. Oriel didn't do it so much at night anymore, not since the first few months after he arrived at Hammel, but he was feeling himself regress back into those habits and he...just didn't know what else to do anymore!

Would they care if he didn't come back in the morning or before then? He already convinced himself they wouldn't. That they wouldn't even want him back. That they'd even go as far as to kick him out again if he dared to come back. Irrational, yes, but knowing that didn't stop him from thinking it.

Oriel ran for a long while. He wasn't even sure where he was going, he just kept going straight; when he hit a dead end, he'd turn; when there wasn't a place to turn, he'd go back the other way, just searching for a way out of this goddamn town. Maybe he'd just run until he hit the edge of the world and just jump off?

Oriel stumbled into a yard or something. What was this place? Some sort of church? Abandoned no doubt. He tried for the front double-doors. Locked. Whatever. He looked out into the darkness. Nope, not going back out there. He didn't want to go back either. Oriel just wanted to...stop existing maybe? He was tired. With sweat dripping from his brow and a dampness in his eyes Oriel rounded the corner of the stone building and slid himself down into the grass. He closed his eyes and hoped, prayed even, that sleep would claim him soon.

[Father Stanley Cupper]

It was a bright and glorious morning, beautiful in the promise of another day, at least that's what Cupper thought with a small smile as he drove to the River Jordan to get it opened and tended. In truth, he hated that he had to close it at all, but until he could find someone willing and able to watch at night, the old priest couldn't really risk leaving it open. He heaved a sigh at that, though it vanished as he pulled into the church, stepping on to the parking lot, soft dew giving a glisten to both the pavement and the yard surrounding. As Cupper headed up the steps to unlock the doors, Bart and Mort bounded out and began their morning play... pausing as they found the sleeping Oriel in the grass. Mort gave a concerned squeal at the stranger as Bart began moving forward, sniffing out the strange new being. At the sound of his pets distress, Cupper pushed the doors open and started limping his way to the disturbance, brow beetled with curiosity, and launching to his hairline at the sight of the sleeping teen. He picks his pace a bit more as Bart starts nosing Oriels cheek, "Oi." Cupper calls out, "You alright there lad?"

[Deleted]

Oriel didn't know when sleep finally found him. Long after he stopped running around the small town, his head still continued to run and race in every direction it could think of. Eventually it had worn itself out, because the next thing Oriel remembered was the sensation of something wet prodding against his unshaven face. Oriel scrunched his face in confusion, then opened his eyes to.

Dog. Fucking bulldog! Fucking---!

Oriel jerked upright, barely registering that there was a person behind that bulldog asking him questions, and started scrambling backwards away from the mongrel. His eyes finally darted up to the tubby bearded man, but quickly flit back down to the canine...and those teeth(that he was not baring, mind you). "Fucking...get that away from me," he uttered out, completely rattled from his unsavory wake-up call.

[Father Stanley Cupper]

Cupper frowned at the language, but snapped his fingers, causing the hurt looking Bart to amble off after the now hastily retreating Mort, "Sorry about the wake up, you alright, lad?" He asks, offering Oriel a hand, "Let me getcha inside. Got some snacks if you're hungry. Bart shant be bugging you, I promise."
If the hand is taken, Cupper will help Oriel to his feet and get him into the churches dining hall, snagging some nibbling snacks from the fridge for him, before asking "Rough night, lad?"
If the hand isnt taken, he'll shrug, "Offer stands, gimme a holler if you change your mind, I'll be cleaning out the old place." And head for the door.

[Deleted]

The dog was...well, he was only half the problem. The other was that someone had happened upon Oriel when he was cowering out on the side of the building and he had no reason to think of them as either friend or foe, but usually Oriel's first impulse was to either retreat. If that wasn't possible, as it seemed to be now, he approached the situation with caution. And a severe amount of distrust.

Oriel scowled, staring at the offered hand. Should he take it? Should he shun it? Didn't matter because Oriel took too long to decide and the tub-lord retracted it with a few words of parting. Then he left.

Oriel took the moment to take in his surroundings. Even to try and remember exactly how he'd ended up here in the first place. He shook his head, not wanting to dwell on anything ever at anytime. It may have been a good ten minutes before Oriel finally rose himself to his feet and crept around the building to the front where he slowly, carefully, slipped his way through the doors into the edifice. He looked up, then quickly averted his eyes from the holy symbols and architecture surrounding the interior. Churches didn't exactly make him uncomfortable, they were actually great places to hide out and get a place to sleep for a night, but Oriel simply wasn't a religious person and he didn't like the idea of someone trying to impose that on him.

He cleared his throat, a sound that echoed throughout the acoustics of the high ceilinged chapel. Oriel didn't know if he should say anything. And he didn't know where the old bearded guy had gone.

[Father Stanley Cupper]

Cupper had been in the back, sorting out some paperwork and lesson plans when he heard the clearing of throat and limped toward the sound, "Ah, got yer head about you a bit?" He asks with a smile, though it dips a bit as he notices the lad actively avoiding looking at the iconography around, "Not one for the church, eh?" He gives a shrug, "Not a problem, just don't go talking bad about any of it, I shan't make efforts to preach atcha." He points to a spot on his cheek, "Got some grass there, bathrooms down the hall if you'd care to wash that off, and fellowship halls down that way if you want to get out from under the crucifix's." He pauses for a moment, looking up to the image of Jesus, "If you'd care for some company, I'd love to provide, but pray don't think I'm trying to impose." It was clear to the old man that the rough looking lad had a mess inside his head, and he wanted to help, even if that was just bending an ear, but one must never force these sorts of things, the other person has to want help for anything to stick.

[Deleted]

"Yeah..." he said despondently. At least it was for now. Who knew when his head was going to decide it didn't want to be sane anymore and go on a rampage and send him racing from one end of town to the other. That's if Oriel removed himself in time before doing something even more fucked up. Oriel shrugged a shoulder as he crossed his arms in uncomfortable defensiveness. "Ain't my thing," he muttered, darting his eyes up to the old man then back down to the stone floor. "...religion...it just...seems like another fucking reason for one person to justify power tripping over some other guy." And usually the other guy was the 'weakling' to be taken advantage of. He was sure it had it uses, somewhere, but the church was really just another form of authority to Oriel.

Oriel rose his hand to his cheek, feeling for the piece of grass. He was sure he looked a mess. Probably smelled it too. "Don't matter. I don't understand any of this shit anyways." It was just some of the images of people, like that woman or the guy on the cross, it always seemed like they were looking right at him. At the offer for company, Oriel shifted. He did...and he didn't. Fuck. "I don't know what I fucking want anymore..." Oriel mumbled, looking once again to the ground. He should probably just get out of this guy's hair(or beard) before he became a bother to him too.

[Father Stanley Cupper]

Cupper heaves a sigh at Oriels description of religion, "Aye, that's often how it's used, and I truly hate that position. God is meant to unify people, bring them together in fellowship and family, He is perfect, unchanging, unconditional love, but so many daft prigs use His name to force obedience and fear on the brethren." He shakes his head, scowling slightly, "Truly disgusting to me when I see it. Specially those little bumper stickers what tell you 'repent or burn in Hell'. Where you're soul is going is between you and the Almighty, its not for any man to say." He rubs his brow, "Sorry, getting off the podium now."
He listens to the boys mumbled response, "Well, how about this, I want to get some of the Meat Pies from out of my office and sit down with someone to have breakfast with someone. Feel like indulging a dotty old man? Only price is you to kindly start minding your language. Profanity is generally only for vacuum salesmen what stick their feet in your doorjamb, and I'd like to think I'm not presenting myself so poorly."

[Deleted]

Perfect, unchanging, unconditional love? Oh, oh, can you feel the love tonight? Like fuck, Oriel didn’t believe in unconditional love. They say god or whatever loves all his children unconditionally? Well, fuck, there was the condition right there, you had to be his fucking child. (note: this logic is flawed)

Oriel snorted. “Don’t know what they’re all complaining ‘bout,” he mumbled. “This world is so fucked up, it may as well be hell.” So hell couldn’t be any worse than what he’d already experienced.

Oriel was incredibly adverse to accepting charity, but he had to admit he was hungry. And he hated himself for being hungry even when his ‘soul’ or whatever was going through such turbulent turmoil. He grumbled to the floor, not happy about the note towards his language. “I got worse problems than my fucking language to worry about….”

[Father Stanley Cupper]

"Aye, I imagine you do." He nods, looking the lad over with a slight frown, So young, so angry... He muses, Reminds me of McKyle... He gives a shake of his head, deciding another tract is called for before he gets too angry about the vulgarities, "You're a proud one, aren't you? Got yerself in a bind, and either don't want to go to anyone, or you don't think you have anyone. I don't know you well enough to say if you're right or wrong for either idea, but I'll say this, if you need a hand, that's what I'm here for. Not because I think you're some delicate flower what can't hold himself up, not because I see myself as some messiah here to solve the worlds ails, but because that man there..." he say, pointing at the image of Christ looking over them, "Gave me rather clear orders to do my best to show affection for my fellow man. You want to talk, I'll listen. You want food, I'll provide. You need a lift, my car's out front, name a destination. All I'm asking in return, a bit of courtesy. Now... you want some breakfast, or not?"

[Deleted]

Why was Oriel even still here talking to this guy? He was just another old guy in the system who was going to give him a good talking to about how he should do things, point out everything he isn’t doing, and completely ignore everything he is doing. It’s what old people liked to do, right?

Well, maybe not all old people…Oriel knew of a few select who didn’t fall in that stereotype..at least not completely.

Still…Oriel didn’t move to leave and just listened to the priest’s words in silence. He wasn’t sure how to take his words, and was in all honesty, surprised by them. On the one hand, it made him think like this guy didn’t actually want to help anyone…but on the other hand, he wasn’t hiding behind some candy-coated lies. Oriel grunted, keeping his head turned away…though a mite more relaxed than before. “Well…at least you’re up front about it,” he grumbled.

He didn’t answer, but his stomach was feeling the pangs of having been empty for far too long, resulting in an uncomfortable squirm as it gurgled faintly. Oriel nodded silently, his eyes flitting to the priest then back to the floor.

[Father Stanley Cupper]

Cuppers face, formerly tense with rising irritation, slackened slightly at the boys tone, Boys got a weight. He muses, the pulls his head, towards a hall, moving along the same direction, leading to the small dining hall. Assuming Oriel follows, the priest pulls out a set of boxes holding small pot pie looking things, "If you've any aversion to sausage or gravy, say now." He says, setting the treats in a microwave to warm up. As the device hums in its duty, Cupper moves to sit opposite his guest, "Now..." He says quietly, "Ordinarily, I like to let folks come to share on their own time, but you look a lad who's twisting in his own head. I find that the best way to clear a troubled mind is to talk, or if you have to, yell. No one else is here, and I promise I shant be judging, not my place." The microwave beeps, and he head to grab the treats and a pair of spoons, "Or, you can just take some time to fill up and breath. Your call."

[Deleted]

Oriel followed the old guy down the the hall, silently, his right arm crossed uncomfortably over his torso while his left hung languidly at his side. He didn’t say anything about the meal offered. Oriel would eat anything. He’d learned to. He took a seat at the table.

Did he want to talk? Maybe…probably, and no, all at the same time. What could this guy offer Oriel that every other adult hadn’t already boasted about being able to do? An ear to listen and no solutions. Oriel didn’t know why people always did that, offer to listen when he knew they couldn’t do shit to help. Oriel didn’t want their help anyway…did he? No…he wanted to be able to do it himself…and hated that he couldn’t.

Oriel stared at the table until the meat pie was placed in front of him along with the spoon. He felt…pathetic. That he had to take this kind of charity from someone because he was too far in himself to just suck it up and do it himself. Because he was still a kid. Oriel felt the tears well up and he did little to stop them. He just picked up the utensil and scooped it into the pie.

He hated that even when feeling like this, his stomach still raged to be fed. He hated that, even feeling like this, Oriel still thought the stupid meat pie tasted good. He hated that he was already thinking he wanted another one, which was impossible because this guy probably didn't have another one to spare. He hated that he was imposing on someone else already, even after running away with the intent of disappearing forever just so he didn't have to impose on anyone anymore. He hated that he had to depend on other people.

As he ate, these thought continued to circulate, a new one popping up right after the last, one after the other, until they'd overwhelmed him. His hands grew languid as tears began to well up in his eyes, and the spoon dropped from his hand to the floor. Oriel's lips hung open as he tried to find words. "I-" he started with a quiver in his voice. He swallowed. "....I hate...being a kid..."

"I hate...this stupid...fucking world....and everyone in it," he continued, frustrated tears falling down over his cheeks. "This world is shit...and so are its people!" Including himself. "I hate that I have to do what they want just 'cause they 'know what's best'. I hate it! I hate that I'm so fucked up, I hate that there's nothing I can do about it, I hate that I'm such a fucking crybaby, I hate that all I'm good for is to make trouble for others...I..." He what? Oriel was afraid to say it. "I...I don't want to exist anymore!"

Oriel devolved into child-like sobs that filled the small dining hall.

[Father Stanley Cupper]

Cupper frowned slightly at Oriels confession, not because of the language, not because of the sentiments, but at the wondering of what could drive a boy with such fierce pride riding on his sleeves to such a state. He rises, gently, and moves to a cabinet, fishing out a tissue box and setting it in easy reach of the young man, "Let it all out, lad." He says, moving his chair to sit a little closer, "This sorta ache is nothing you want to hold on to."

He sits quietly for a moment, unsure of how to proceed, these sort of things happen in his field, people are driven to great depths all the time, but no matter how similar the outcomes, there's never a documented cure all for the problems, "They know best..." he says softly, "Aye, lots of folks like to say that, don't they? 'Come here for all the answers', 'do this for all the answers', 'be like this for all the answers'." he gives a small scoff, "No man has all the answers, no one really knows whats best for anyone but themselves. Loads of sods are different from one another, different people need different answers. I tell you this for nothing though... in nigh fifty years of doing this job, fifty years of seeing people on the best days of their lives, and the worst, I've never met someone who shouldn't have existed."

[Deleted]

Now that he’d started, Oriel felt like he was never going to stop. Never, the tears would just keep on flowing until he died of dehydration or something. Every sob choked and stung more than the last, but he couldn’t get it to stop any more than he could get himself to stop himself from acting out his frustrations in an explosive outburst upon someone who probably didn’t deserve it. He hated how little control he had on his emotions, that’s why he tried to ignore them so much! Life was just a lot easier when they weren’t there…or at least it was supposed to be, but he didn’t know what to do anymore! He didn’t want to try anymore.

“I’m…I’m tired…of trying so hard…and then having…it go nowhere!” Every single time, it felt like he was taking two steps forward, then three steps back. Like every time he fell, he ended up getting worse and worse. “I’m…tired of…being shuffled from one person who doesn’t want me…to another person who hates me even more…then to someone else who…wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t there no more.” He rubbed his wet eyes with the palm of his hand. “But…but I can’t do nothing about it…’cause I’m just a fucking kid!” And in this society, kids weren’t allowed to do anything against what their “guardian” said they could do.

He disagreed with the old man’s opinion though. Oriel knew the truth. “It’d just be…better for everyone…if I wasn’t never here…” Then he wouldn’t have to be a bother on anybody…and then he wouldn’t have to deal with this…this torment that seemed to be plaguing his head, cycling through until it drove him mad.