Random Writings

[Demetrius Wolfbane]

((Written for the 2014 August Writing Challenge))

If Heaven Won’t Take Me Back

Demetrius knew he was a pain in the ass at the best of times. He was well aware he made his own life harder and that he probably should have learned to shut his mouth long before now. He lashed out at anyone who dared get closer to him; blew his top at the most insignificant things; stuck to his guns even when he knew he might be in the wrong. All of this, Demetrius was aware of. But it wasn’t until late in the night that he actually thought of his actions.

Brilliant green eyes peered into the darkness of his room as he rolled over once more, turning his face to look at the blood red numbers of his alarm clock. 3:21 a.m. blinked back at him, and as he watched it turned to 3:22. It was far too early to wake up for classes, but too late to bother Gregory for ‘training. He couldn’t read without growing bored and considering he was supposed to be sleeping he didn’t really see the need to get up.

As his eyes slid shut his brain supplied him a sort of movie of his life behind his eyelids. Just like it did every night he tried to sleep. It appalled him to know that he had really acted like that and that he really said what he did. As he played over the argument he had gotten into with Lukas, he couldn’t even remember why he was angry. Why he had let himself rear up like that. Sure, it had gotten Lukas to get the hell away. But he had scared the mouse-girl, he’d upset Greg and Matty.

Really, what did they see in him?

Another flicker of memory played out, one with the too small but loud-mouthed girl. She had stolen his book, one of his favorites, but he’d acted out. He reared up like some kind of monster out for blood. Throwing out wild accusations without any proof. Demetrius couldn’t even understand his own anger. His inability to hold his tongue. His hatred of taking anyone’s word above his own.

Why couldn’t he just sew his mouth shut? Or cut out his vocal cords? That’d probably solve his problem. He wouldn’t be able to lash out if he did that. No one would get hurt, no one would hate him. He wouldn’t have to worry about caving under people’s arguments just because he’d backed himself into a verbal corner.

Or maybe it would be better just to cave, to accept that some people might know better than him. Some of them might actually be out to help him instead of finding ways to stick barbs under his skin. But how could he do that when he had the ball of rage just waiting for a chance to rear its head; just waiting until it could find a way to destroy any relationship he built up. It was definitely easier to keep people out - to keep people away - then to let them in and risk them leaving him.

Demetrius sighed suddenly, breaking through his train of thought. It wouldn’t do him any good if all he did was contemplated the ‘what ifs’, that much he knew. But that didn’t seem to be enough to stop the flow of thoughts everytime he tried to sleep. Just like trying to count to ten did nothing to stop the sudden onslaught of anger he felt. Nor did it stop the stubborn walls he kept up, or the mantras he would repeat in his head every time someone came close. People can’t be trusted, can’t be close, can’t be good. There are wolves in the world.

Another sigh escaped the thin boy and he wiped his face carefully with his hand before sitting up in bed. A quick glance to the clock confirmed that he’d only wasted about ten minutes contemplating the failures of his life. Turning to look at the thick plaster cast around his wrist only served to remind of yet another failure in his life. Maybe this time he’d only failed himself by pretending there was nothing wrong. It didn’t make it any less of a failure, though, just a different kind.

No. He wouldn’t think about this any longer. He’d keep on pretending everything was fine, at least until the next session with Dr. Know-It-All where everything would be laid bare in front of the man. Demetrius tightened his jaw as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, hurrying over to his discarded backpack before he could think over his plan. Making no moves to turn on a light he fumbled a bit with his collection of things before he grabbed the intended object and moved once more to the bed.

He settled back into the comforter and stared down at the spiral notebook in his lap before sighing, mostly to himself. After a few more moments he flipped open to the first blank page he could find -with every intention on writing out the thoughts that filled his head down- and stared. The words that had berating him before fell away and the scenes playing behind his eyes disappeared. Most likely around the time he decided he wouldn’t sleep. With an annoyed huff he shut the book and threw it to the floor, flopping back onto the bed with little regard to the fact he might have jarred his wrist.

His eyes shut once more against the darkness of his room, with Demetrius fully expecting to be bombarded by more of his past mistakes. So he started up a mantra, one he’d been repeating since he was nine years old. It was a list of people he could trust without hesitation or boundaries. A list that hadn’t gotten much longer since he was nine either. Mom, Dad, Elias, Matthew, Mathis. He couldn’t add Greg to the list and frankly he didn’t want to. There was someone who would always be more important than Greg was.

No. No more thinking. Back to bed. Back to sleeping. He could do this. Demetrius took a shallow breath and tried to arrange himself comfortably on the bed, willing his body to fall asleep before school started. It wouldn’t do him any good if he became a zombie.

...Zombies…

Rrr…
Okay, so maybe sleep wasn’t going to work. Demetrius sighed, opening his eyes to stare at the burning red numbers of his alarm clock. 4:28. Maybe he had managed to fall asleep! For all of thirty minutes, but he’d count it. Some was better than none. Matty often told him that. Then again, Matty often told Demetrius a lot of things; important things and then not so important things. Like when Matty came running into his hospital room when they were younger, with a whole box of Naruto so that they could watch together, and then proceeded to talk all the way through it. Or the time Matty had called him up to tell him that Matthew had left and all his stuff was missing. Or later on when Dem managed to convince him to go to their eighth grade dance.

When Matty burst in with cookies and smiles to tell him that Cameron had asked him out and he said yes. Dem still wasn’t sure why all the warmth suddenly left his room at that announcement either. Maybe he should just blame it on the fact he knew it would end badly.

Not that he wanted it to… It would hurt Matty if it ended badly...

So breath, let's leave until the storm is over,
Because I want to take you away.

Move and-

It never got any further before Demetrius plucked the phone off of his table, quickly answering the call before the male on the other end could leave, a sly grin on his face.

“Mornin’ Matty, I was just thinkin’ ‘bout you.”

-end-