Apology Schmology [Kodi] [TW]

[Deleted]

Had Kodi been in a better mindset, he would have reassured Gryph that all the things the bitch said were untrue and cruel and that he was wonderful and perfect and didn't need to think anything about her hurtful words. But all he could think about was what he'd do if he saw her again, and how he'd make her pay for the pain she'd caused both of them... Later on he'd calm down enough to console Gryph, but now wasn't the time.

Yeah, he hadn't done it, but only because Gryphon was here. What if he hadn't been? What if Kodi had been alone with someone that pissed him off that much, and he ended up doing more than he meant to?

He didn't look up as Gryph spoke against his choice of wording, and still didn't as he felt Gryph move before him. He bit into his still sore lip again as the older boy stopped, and only glanced up when he felt the contact between them. "Yes I am," he retorted, feeling sick to his stomach. "I'm just like some... Some feral dog that snaps when someone even looks at me funny." He shook his head at Gryph's words, refusing to agree or repeat what he'd said. "I should... I should be put down."

Kodi couldn't remember the last time he'd gone into so much of a rage, or fallen into such a pit of despair. Probably when his parents sent him that letter, and that'd been a while ago. He'd been doing so much better...

He listened in silence as Gryph kept talking, his expression devoid of anything but self-loathing and upset. "Most people don't threaten t'kill someone over somethin' they said," he muttered, kicking at a pebble on the ground. "I'm... I'm fucked up. I don't... I don't know how t'get out my anger without explodin'..." And now he was just being a damn crybaby about it, which helped no one. He was disgusted with himself.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon had told him this before, when all that shit went down involving Kodi and Oriel and... stuff. He had said that he would help him, if he wanted the help. This... of course, had been shocking. More shocking to Gryph than he would let show - what average person had to hold someone back from potentially murdering someone else? Even if he thought Kodi was overreacting on that front. He could deal serious damage, in that mindset which turned him, but killing someone... no, it couldn't happen... could it?

It was so hard to hear Kodi say those things about himself. Of course, it would be worse for the boy himself, as he believed them, but it was tearing Gryphon up, and he didn't know what to say. The self-hatred that Kodi practically emanated was hard to combat, and the rage he could get into was frighteningly uncontrollable, by Kodi, or anyone else. The only thing Gryph could think to say was... was...

"You are a monster." He said, expression emotionless, tone stern, dropping his arms down from Kodi's shoulders, "A monster."

After a moment, he sighed. and looked at Kodi, "Do you want me to tell you that? Do you want to hear it from me, as well as yourself?" He felt physically sick just saying it, "I don't know what to do to help you. Not unless you help yourself."

Gryph's arms crossed, "We can work on making you feel better, together. I'm no expert but... I want to help you. Because I love you and I can hardly stand to see you like this." But maybe they actually needed an expert's advice... he wasn't sure.

[Deleted]

Kodi didn't want to think he could actually kill someone. He'd like to think he'd come to his senses before he got that far. And he had been getting better, having fewer episodes, thanks to his more content state of mind now that he had Gryph. But... This just made him feel like he hadn't made any progress at all.

Truly, there wasn't anything positive that Gryph could say to make Kodi feel better about this until he finally managed to let go of this incident, and that would take some time. Kodi expected him to try, though, to keep telling him that he wasn't what he said, to lie and say he wasn't what his dad had told him he was the day he fled to Hammel...

So when Gryphon actually agreed with him... That shocked Kodi more than anything else would. His head snapped up, his eyes went wide, and he gaped in disbelief and... Well, hurt.

Because even though he knew what he was, and he told himself it.... It was different coming from someone that said he loved him.

"I...." His voice caught in his throat, and Kodi felt that stupid pressure begin to build in his eyes. The tears welled up and began to spill at an alarming rate, and the dentokinetic turned away from his lover, feeling like he'd been doused in some sort of poison that made his entire body numb. ".... I don't...." How was he even supposed to respond to that? "... I don't know what t'do..." How was he supposed to help himself when he was filled with so much self-contempt?

".... You're the only good thing in my life..." he uttered, his voice hollow. "I-I don't want you to... t'have t'see that side of me..." Because eventually, Kodi told himself, Gryph would say those words and mean them, unless he somehow changed himself, learned better control. He kept his back turned as he wiped miserably at his eyes. "How d'you still l... Love me... When I'm like this?" he asked in a weak voice. "I d-don't understand..."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Saying useless things wouldn't help this situation. There was a multitude of things Gryphon could have said as a comfort to Kodi, to make him happier, or at least try to, but he was fairly certain that the dentokinetic wouldn't listen - or he would, but he would still be stuck in this state of mind. What he had said, though... even though he didn't actually believe a single syllable of that sentence, he regretted it immensely. It was just... his expression. It made him want to shoot himself for being so cruel.

He turned pale - he... he had made Kodi cry. That was just downright disgusting of himself. He wanted to go up to the dentokinetic and hold him, and wipe away his tears, but how could he, when he was the one who put them there? He could barely even think of responding. "Then... stop saying that shit. Because... I don't want to start... believing it."

Neither of them knew what to do. That was a good start.

Gryph knew he couldn't just stand there and watch Kodi crying his eyes out. He went up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist gently, "Because you're beautiful. And you're so ridiculously strong." Not physically. "You have to cope with this on a constant basis, and until recently, you dealt with it alone." He said, softly, "I don't care if you think you can't deal with it, because you can. It would have driven me insane by now."

He smiled weakly, "And how could I ever give up on you? You're everything to me."

[Deleted]

This was all such shit. How dare Kodi think he deserved to even pretend like he deserved Gryphon? He just knew, deep down, Gryph must really think what he'd just said, and he was just... Just too much of an angel to admit it. Too selfless and kind and just... Pure. And Kodi was tainted and rotten and fucked up. He'd thought Gryph had been making him less so, had been helping him defeat his demons (and he had, really, Kodi just wasn't thinking straight), but now he just... Felt like he was dragging Gryphon down with him. Maybe teasing him about being more pervy and cocky wasn't the right thing to do after all...

He wasn't sure what he wanted. If he wanted to be held or not. Kodi felt like he deserved to be isolated like this, at least, so that was probably what he should get anyway. "You should think it already," he mumbled under his breath, too soft for the winged boy to hear. "I.... I'm sorry," he uttered, a tiny bit louder. "I-it ain't fair t'you, I shouldn't... Say that stuff..." If only so I wouldn't hurt you like this... Because that's what Kodi felt like he was doing. Hurting Gryph in the process of tearing himself down. How selfish was that?

The stupid moisture was still dripping silently from his eyes when Gryph finally moved to wrap around him. Kodi stood unmoving, silently taking in those words he didn't feel like he deserved, no matter how sincere Gryph's voice sounded. He didn't reject it, because... Because Gryph was going to the effort to tell him those things, no matter how much he didn't believe them. "Maybe I am insane," was all he ended up saying, trying to make his voice lighter, but he failed. "Maybe I'm just makin' you insane with me." And they could live in their insane little world together...

He finally sighed and relaxed a little. Kodi didn't feel completely better by a long shot, but... He didn't want Gryph to keep being worried sick over him. "You're everythin' t'me too," he whispered, slowly turning in the boy's arms and nestling himself in Gryph's embrace. "I couldn't... I couldn't take the way she was talkin' t'you..." He swallowed and let out a small gasp, sure that there would be damp spots on the older boy's shirt. "I-I'm so sorry you got involved in this mess.... It ain't fair..."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Like hell did he mean it. He was going to have to make that very, very clear to the other boy now. Just because they were different didn’t mean one was worse than the other. In some aspects, Gryph was worse than Kodi - and anyway, the dentokinetic seemed assured on the fact that Gryphon was somehow perfect. Okay, so he might be kind, but it wasn’t constant. He wasn’t some holy figure who was all loving and forgiving. He held a few grudges, had dark thoughts. Maybe not to the extent Kodi did, but he was not pure. And that wasn’t because Kodi somehow took any purity away; he wasn’t pure in the first place.

“Don’t care about me for a second and say sorry to yourself - this isn’t fair on you.” The more he thought about himself so terribly, like a demon, a monster, a dog, whatever, the less the opportunity he was giving himself to actually turn things around. And he didn’t seem like he saw that as something to do, because apparently, this was the truth. It wasn’t true. Not by a long shot.

It wasn’t hard to tell the real truth when it was something you very much believed in, and when it was for a loved one. What he said was true. It just was. This whole situation was a big case of true and false. It was all jumbled and mucked up and… well, once you can’t tell true from false, believing anything was hard. Gryph’s lip quirked, “We’re both insane in one way, but when it comes down to it, I think we’re both sane enough.” Trying to make this lighter was difficult, because it was so hard-hitting, but it would pick up at some point. It always did.

Gryphon could guess that Kodi wasn't completely over this. You don't have an event such as this one happen and then completely dissolve it out of your mind. So he would continue to comfort him. Because he knew he needed it.

The winged boy paused. Yeah, Gryph couldn't take the way George had spoken to Kodi either, and the words she had spitefully spewed out remained on his thoughts like a thick layer of dust. But he bit his lip and said nothing on the subject. He held Kodi a little tighter, "I know I can't say it's alright, because you would never believe me," He wouldn't exactly believe himself either, "It wasn't fair, on either of us." He said, subtly trying to shift the attention more away from himself.

He took a breath, "One other thing." He started, "I handled this completely wrong. You could never be a monster to me, I swear on my life." The avian boy pecked Kodi's head, smiling sadly.

[Deleted]

Kodi just nodded obediently, but he didn't respond. It wasn't like he could just... Stop thinking that way about himself in an instant. In all honesty, he probably did need professional help, but he wasn't going to admit that to himself. He would need some - or rather, a lot - of pushing to even consider that.

He smiled weakly at Gryph's attempt to help lighten the situation, but it didn't reach his eyes. "If y'say so," he mumbled. Kodi just really didn't want to drag Gryph down with him. If he was less selfish, he'd tell the older boy to go find someone else who wouldn't have to put up with his shit, but... He was selfish, and he didn't want to do that.

So he was just going to continue to cling on like a leech, both emotionally and physically, the latter at least until he felt like he wasn't going to cry like a big baby anymore.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do if I see her again..." Kodi mumbled, gritting his teeth. He still wanted to hit George, and make her pay for this, but... But he knew he shouldn't. He knew he should be the better man and just... Ignore her. He just didn't know if he had the strength to do that. "I don't wanna get in more trouble again, 'cause... 'Cause then I'll be stuck on campus an'..." And he wouldn't be able to go and see Gryphon as often, which would likely lead to more things triggering his anger. And that just meant more punishment and he probably wouldn't graduate again and... Argh!!

He finally pulled away slightly and blinked up at the taller boy, his eyes red and puffy and his eyeliner smudged. Kodi felt an awful mess, and he knew he looked it too. "I-it's okay..." he mumbled, fidgeting with Gryph's shirt. "It made me snap out of it, if nothin' else..." And there was still a whisper in the back of his head that told him Gryph meant it. "... I wanna go home," he mumbled, meaning the older boy's apartment. He didn't want to deal with Hammel right now.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

They couldn't just flick a switch and change everything. Gryph knew that. However, that fact didn't actually cross his mind when he needed it. The stubborn part of him was kind of frustrated about Kodi's passiveness, but he knew... don't push it. Oh, and if Kodi ever mentioned breaking up for his sake, Gryphon would not have it unless there a truly valid reason.

Gryphon wasn't perfectly certain how he would react to her reappearance at any time. Probably become a little a hostile if she tried to talk to him, but otherwise, he probably wouldn't say anything and just ignore her. Adding fuel to the fire would help nobody in a situation like this. But he couldn't exactly give any advice to Kodi because... well, it would be a bad situation for him. And trying to control it at all would be difficult. He nodded slightly as Kodi spoke, "And then we won't get to see each other so much, yeah." The winged boy wanted that no less than Kodi did. Meaning not at all. But it would be alright, so long as Kodi could avoid George. How that would happen, though? He had no idea.

It wasn't okay. It really wasn't. "I never should have said it, anyway, and I won't again, because it's not true." He felt the need to make that extremely clear, because he wasn't certain if Kodi believed him or not. He nuzzled the top of Kodi's head, "I'm sorry." At the request to go home, Gryph nodded, "Okay," He said, wiping some of the remaining moisture (and make-up) off of Kodi's face, "Let's go home." He took up the dentokinetic's hand and started walking back to his apartment, because that's what he assumed Kodi meant by 'home'. Hammel didn't seem to be much of a 'home' to him, really.

[Deleted]

Kodi would... Figure out something. Somehow. Maybe. Because there was no way he wanted to be separated like Phoenix and Oriel were. Gryph could come and see him, he supposed, but they would be limited, and Gryph had college and just... It wouldn't be good. "I wouldn't be able t'handle that," he mumbled. George wasn't worth it.

He just nodded a bit numbly as Gryph kept reassuring him that he hadn't meant it. "Alright..." he murmured, hoping it would ease the older boy's worries a little. "I forgive you. 'Course I do." He knew just saying "it's okay" again wouldn't suffice as a response. He forced a small smile as Gryph wiped at the crap on his face. "Do I have black streaks runnin' down my face?" he asked weakly. Whatever, he didn't care at the moment. He just let Gryph lead the way home, keeping close to the older boy's side and hiding his face from any passerby.

When they reached Gryph's place, Kodi immediately headed for the bathroom and washed all the muck off of his face. His eyes were still a little puffy, and he felt naked without his eyeliner, but he didn't care. Once that was done, he promptly shuffled to Gryph's room and crawled into his bed, curling up on his side and wrapping his arms around a pillow, which he buried his face into. "Today is shit," he mumbled to the room, not sure if Gryph was nearby or not.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

It was going to get a whole lot more hectic when Gryphon started going to college, in relation to his relationship with Kodi. He knew, he definitely wouldn't have the same amount of time to be with him - along with Kodi's classes, his job, Kodi's job and all the after school work... seeing each other would be difficult. He didn't want to be spending the time they had being upset, but right now, it couldn't be avoided. They would cheer up later on, hopefully.

He smiled weakly, but Gryph wasn't in a smiling mood, especially with Kodi like this. At least he forgave him. He still wasn't thoroughly convinced that all was well, but that was for good reason. At the question, he looked at his thumb and the black residue on it, before looking back at Kodi's face, "Yeah, kinda." Lying was pointless, and it wasn't too terrible.

Luckily, they didn't run into anyone else they knew, friend or mean person, on the way back to Gryph's apartment. Once they were in, he let Kodi go off as he closed the door behind him and dropped his keys on the side, before sighing. That had been utter crap. The avian boy finally let the stress show through, covering his face with his hands and closing his eyes. And he just stayed like that. He was going to explode at this rate. Once he heard Kodi moving again, he straightened up and followed after his footsteps, relaxing his face, trying to seem at least alright. He spotted Kodi on his bed and looked at him for a moment, before closing the door and sliding in opposite him. He brushed some hair out of his face, not saying anything, for the moment. What was there to say?

[Deleted]

Great. He just loved rocking the sad raccoon look. Fuck, how many times had this happened now, that he’d just started crying like a giant wuss? It seemed to only be since he started dating the moron… Ugh. He wasn’t this emotional. He didn’t used to be, at least.

He was being selfish too, only thinking about himself, when Gryph was suffering too. Kodi didn’t know just how much he was, but… He was still a jerk for not asking Gryphon how he was doing. All he did was bury himself in the mattress and feel sorry for himself. When he heard his lover’s footsteps approaching and felt his weight on the bed, he peeked one eye out, feeling soothed by the touch of the boy’s fingers over his forehead. “I love you,” he croaked out. “…. Can I spend the night?”

He didn’t know what Hammel staff would think about that, but screw them. It wasn’t like they had to go and check on him to see if he was there. “N-not for sex or anythin’, just… I just don’t wanna be alone.” Kodi just wanted to feel someone next to him, and hear their breath and let it lull him into slumber.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryph would have felt selfish if he started spouting about how this was affecting him. Even if he was slowly reaching the end of his tether with his stress tolerance these days, it was still better than having to admit to everything that was wrong with him. Having that much attention was not something he desired; he didn't want anyone to worry about him. So he tried to put himself across as alright, and then burdened everyone else's difficulties. He didn't realise quite yet how that might be the reason for his stress - he just cared about a lot of people and wished he could do more to help.

He smiled sadly - well, there was that to say. "I love you too." He said, softly. The question made him hesitate... not that he didn't want Kodi's company - the opposite was the case - but Hammel... if they found out, he would get in trouble. But in the end, it was the reason that his boyfriend gave that squeezed his heart and made up his mind, "Of course you can, love." He tilted his head a little, looking at Kodi's eyes, "I don't think I want to be alone now either."

The avian boy stopped himself before speaking again... was this the right time to say this? Probably not. But he didn't know when else he would say it... "...I'm going to miss being around you when I start college." Because he was practically going in there blind, sans Rue, who, obviously, wasn't in any of his lectures. He sighed. "I just... miss being around you in general." Having to actually arrange things, or travel that stupid distance from here to Hammel... it wasn't as bad as some people had it, but it still sucked. Even if he was (accidentally) one of the main reasons for Gryphon's stress, he was also the biggest stress reliever out of them all. Seeing Kodi happy did wonders to his mood, and that was why he felt so crap right now. Because Kodi felt crap.

...Gryph was a mess.

[Deleted]

Kodi slowly rolled away from the pillow so he could wrap himself around the older boy, feeling like a pathetic child in the presence of his strong lover. Kodi had no idea the stress he was making himself go through; had he known, he would have felt even worse. "Thank you..." he whispered out, feeling at least some small relief that he would be spending the night here, in the only place he wanted to be. "You're not alone... I'm gonna be here for you, even if I'm a weak, pathetic mess..." he added in a mumble.

He was sort of content to just lay there like that in the quiet, but when Gryph brought up college... Kodi's face fell even more. "I know..." he said softly, his fingers grasping more tightly on his boyfriend's shirt. "I'm gonna m-miss you a lot too, but... But we're still gonna see each other as much as we can... Right?" His eyes rose to meet those of his lover's, worry and uncertainty clear in his gaze. "Y-you're not gonna decide you just wanna hang out with your cool college friends an' forget about me..."

Of course he wouldn't, Kodi told himself. But as much as he knew this, there was still a pang of paranoia in the back of his head that told him Gryphon would leave him as soon as he found someone better, someone more stable and more attractive and with fewer issues. Someone that Gryph could feel supported by, rather than feeling the need to be the supportive one all the time, like Kodi thought he probably felt. "I promise I'll try my hardest t'graduate this year," he mumbled. "I'm gonna do it, and... And we can see each other all the time."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

When Kodi came closer, the winged boy enveloped him in his arms, trying to give as much comfort as he could. “I’m here for you too.” He assured, nuzzling his face into Kodi’s hair. Despite everything, he was still determined to be a good boyfriend, and determined to make sure that the dentokinetic was alright. “We’re gonna be okay.” Whether that would be the case… contrary to usual, he was losing faith in the possibility of this getting better before it could get worse; ‘this’ being all the crap stuff they were both coping with.

Gryphon knew it was a bad time to bring it up, but he couldn’t think of another time to say it. He looked back at Kodi as he spoke. They could try, at least. Gryph couldn’t fool himself too much – he was going to be busy. They both were. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to at least attempt at spending time with his boyfriend. At Kodi’s concerns, he reached a hand up and caressed the side of his face, “No… no, love, I could never forget about you.” He said softly, “I’ll… I’ll try to be around as much as I can. But I promise you, I’m not going to desert you.” He couldn’t.

It was true, Gryph did feel like he needed to support Kodi. But to him, it wasn’t something he considered a burden, or something bad. It would probably be better if there could be some kind of balance, if he admitted that he needed support too, so Kodi could help him in return – but he wasn’t going to do that any time soon. “Do what you can.” He smiled softly, “But I can’t wait until that time.” He knew, even as he said that, he was being idealistic. They both were – assuming that they were still going to be together by that time (which he hoped), guessing that things might get better suddenly by that time; they didn’t know if that would be the case. However, that couldn’t stop Gryph from hoping. “We’re gonna be okay.” He said again, looking at his lover’s eyes with his own sanguine ones, trying to reassure them both. Because they were… hopefully.

[Deleted]

"Yeah..." Kodi mumbled half-heartedly. Nothing really felt okay at the moment, but... But it had to get better sometime. Huh, he didn't usually have such optimism, especially in bad situations.... Gryph really was changing him.

He slowly lifted his eyes up as the older boy cupped his face in his hand, and realized with a quiet shock just how... Comfortable he felt like this, bare-faced and exposed, so close to Gryph. It was something he hadn't really realized until now. "I-I know you won't," Kodi murmured, finally averting his gaze. "It's just... It'll be different, and you'll meet so many new people..." It was just... It just made sense that Kodi would worry that Gryphon might find someone he meshed better with, right?

Kodi did want to support Gryph too. He just... Didn't know how, and didn't yet know what it was that he needed to support him with. The time would come eventually, though. "I can't wait either," he mumbled softly, eyelids slowly drifting shut. All the emotional stuff was making him tired. "I can't wait t'kick out your roommate so I can have you t'myself..." He smiled faintly to show that he was kidding (kinda). "Okay..." He yawned and nuzzled himself deeper into Gryph's arms. "I'm gonna... Sleep now..." And there was nowhere he would rather have been in that moment.