Don't Hate Me (Kodi)

[Deleted]

Kodi rolled over onto his stomach and nestled his chin on his arms, snorting at how similar Oriel's situation sounded to his own. "Don't I know how that feels..." he mumbled. "I dunno what Gryph sees in me at all." But he didn't want to go off on his own tangent again. "But, whatever, obviously the pixie, y'know, loves ya no matter what you do, 'cause he still seems as obsessed as ever even after your... Thing." Kodi waved his hand. "Love is weird," he grumbled, burying his face against his arms.

A small smirk touched Kodi's lips. "What, you hate thinkin' 'bout me bein' your boyfriend that much?" he retorted, trying to be playful. When Oriel went on, his smile faded, and the dentokinetic stared down into the ground. "I'm always afraid my happiness is comin' at the cost of Gryph bein' miserable, no matter how much he tells me otherwise," he admitted softly. Though he had to chuckle at Oriel's reasoning. "Well, that's true," he replied. "Don't think it's horrible. Guess I'm glad for the same reason." He hadn't seen the two friends interact like Oriel had, though.

"Yeah well... I dunno what t'do 'bout that." Kodi shrugged helplessly. "I can't control how he feels. You... Prob'ly gotta work that shit out on your own."

Kodi wasn't sure how he'd summarized it so easily. Probably because it was all he'd stewed over for the past several years of his life until he was just a walking ball of anger and frustration and aggression. "Me neither," he grunted. "But I know bein' brainwashed ain't s'posed t'be anymore." Kodi still obviously suffered from all the things his father had pounded into his head. It was why he hated himself so much. He looked back to the water when Oriel spoke again, giving a small 'hmph' and another shrug. "You just gotta wade through an ocean of bullshitters 'til you find someone worth keepin' around," he mumbled. "Then... You gotta cling onto those people as hard as y'can so you don't sink back in and search forever tryin' t'find another one." Who said Kodi was never poetic?

[Deleted]

“Yeah….I think that’s the problem,” he said with a groaning sigh. Love was definitely weird, but even Oriel was bugged by how much Phoenix let him get away with. Oriel knew that wasn’t healthy, which unfortunately just made Oriel even more paranoid about what Phoenix’s true feelings were, which would once again lead into a damaging situation like they’d just been in.

It was exactly like what Kodi described: his own happiness at the cost of his lover being miserable. With Phoenix sacrificing his own wants, ignoring his own voice, for the sake of Oriel getting what he wanted because Oriel happened to scream louder about it. Oriel wanted to know what Phoenix wanted, but even when he asked, Oriel had the feeling that the pixie was just going with whatever Oriel wanted a lot of the time. But unless he said something….

“I’m sure Gryph wouldn’t think so….” He’d probably resent Oriel for meddling in their relationship for his own gain. Oriel didn’t know why he cared so much about what that guy thought anyway.

Oriel wondered how much Gryph had told Kodi about what had been going on? Given that Kodi didn’t even know about what happened between Oriel and Phoenix, he assumed probably not much. Did he even know that Gryph had hit him? Oriel felt disturbed that Gryph hadn’t mentioned anything about it, but also that if he said anything, then it’d be like he was betraying him somehow. Or like he was purposely trying to fuck things up between Kodi and Gryph. “Yeah…I ain’t given him much reason to like me, after all…”

What Kodi said made sense. It was something that he’d thought himself on several occasions. He had someone golden like Phoenix in his life and Oriel didn’t want to let him go, no matter what. Even if it was probably better for the pixie to not be around something like Oriel… “But…how do you know that you ain’t just holding on ‘cause…’cause you’re too shit scared that you ain’t going to find nobody else who can put up with your bullshit like that…?” This was another thing Oriel worried about. “How do you know it’s love…and not that….?” This was a depressing conversation. It was making him voice a bunch of things he felt horrible for thinking in the first place. Why couldn’t he just have faith in his relationship? Why’d he have to question it? This was such shit…

[Deleted]

Kodi had enough of his own stuff to deal with, so he didn't say anything more about Oriel's relationship with Phoenix. He didn't really know enough about it to offer any advice anyway, so he just let it go. He was sure the two of them would figure it out eventually; they'd been through a bunch of shit already, even stuff that he'd done to them. Their situation sucked, but it wasn't the worst it could be...

He had been off in his own world so much that he hadn't had the chance to really find out more about the situation. Still, he could understand why Gryphon didn't like Oriel, even if Kodi wished they would get along if only to make things easier for himself. Oriel wasn't the only selfish one. "Well... He's a pretty forgivin' person, at least with me, so I dunno, maybe it'll work out." He half-frowned. "'Course, if he knew about what you did t'Phoenix, I'm sure that'd take a helluva lot of apologizin', and even then..." Kodi trailed off. Gryphon seemed awfully protective of the pixie, so Kodi wasn't sure even he would be that forgiving.

Sometimes the two of them were really so alike that it... Weirded Kodi out. It was no wonder they were friends, and that they often clashed - their personalities and views of the world were just too similar for them not to go to one extreme or another with each other. "Mmm... I dunno," he replied, feeling useless. Kodi sighed. "I still don't really know what love is, t'be honest. Never looked for it before, but... I-I just... I just can't imagine my life without him anymore. Even if that's selfish... And I dunno if love is supposed t'be selfish or not." Gryph had said those words to Kodi way before he was ready, and the dentokinetic felt like the winged meta would be more useful for this sort of conversation than he was.

"... I'm really not helpin' you at all," he snorted out a laugh. Kodi sat up again and pushed himself to his feet, taking a few steps away with his arms crossed. "I think you'd do better talkin' t'someone who doesn't have such a bitter viewpoint as me. All I'm doin' is agreein' with you." He huffed and kicked a rock into the water.

[Deleted]

“Yeah…well, that’s ‘cause he likes you,” Oriel grumbled. He supposed it was easy to forgive someone you liked. And easy to begrudge someone you hated. Oriel was certain Gryph hated him for all the shit he’d done. “‘pologizing ain’t going to make what happened not happen…I don’t know why people treat it like some sort of cure all ’n shit.” Now Oriel was going on a tangent. “Like…even adults will make you do it, as if that’s s’pposed to solve anything, even if you don’t want to or don’t mean it. And even if you do, it sounds fake ‘cause someone’s making you do it…” And then it just gets rejected, or they decide to hold a grudge anyway, long after you’ve said it. “…s’why I don’t do it.”

Yeah…Oriel wasn’t going to say anything about Gryph’s involvement already in Oriel and Phoenix’s situation. Oriel had screwed with their relationship enough.

“Yeah…me neither.” He said it, and he thought it might be it….but Oriel still wasn’t entirely sure what was what. “Love” was just a word. It was easy to say. But knowing what it was was a completely different story. “I just feel like…like I can’t breath…and every minute I’m not with him, even if it’s just five fucking minutes, it just gets worse and worse. I can’t stand seeing him talk to anyone else, or even having other friends. If I don’t know where he is, I freak the fuck out.” Why was he even saying any of this? Kodi probably thought he was insane. “I know it ain’t right. I know it’s fucked up. But…I can’t fucking help it…no matter what I tell myself, that shit just don’t stop.” Oriel buried his head again, feeling the familiar burning in his eyes. Kodi didn’t need to see that shit.

He shook his head slowly in it’s cage. “Nah….it’s fine. It’s, uh…kinda nice to know I ain’t the only one thinking this shit.” It was validating, in a way, knowing that were as fucked up as he was were pretty much on the same train of thought as he was. Oriel felt his nose start to run. He sniffed it before it got too far.

[Deleted]

"It's 'cause he loves me, however the hell that happened," Kodi mumbled, prodding at an ant crawling around in the grass. "Well, whatever, ignore me. If y'want him t'get along with ya that badly, I'm sure you'll think of somethin'." His voice had gone gruff and grumpy. He had to snort at what Oriel was saying; oh the irony. "What, you mean like when you made me apologize t'that British bi- chick?" he retorted, scowling over at Oriel. "Watch what you're sayin', hippie-boy. I wouldn't want ya t'become a hypocrite." He did understand what Oriel was saying, though.

Kodi just listened as Oriel spoke, his brow furrowed. He could understand how he felt to a degree, but... As much as he missed seeing Gryphon all the time, he didn't yearn for him that terribly. But then again, he knew he could go see him whenever he wanted. Oriel's situation was a lot different. "Mmm.... I guess... I guess that don't seem quite healthy," he finally mumbled, trying to be delicate; he didn't want to lie, though. "It's hard t'see Gryph interactin' with other people too, but... But I just gotta trust him enough t'know that he's just bein' faithful t'me." He sighed. "I dunno how he trusts me at all anymore..." Trust. He supposed that was a huge part of a relationship. "But anyway... Y'can't help feelin' how ya feel. I guess just.... Just talkin' about how y'feel is all you can do." He let out a dry chuckle. "Trust and communication. Two things I think the both of us are terrible with."

He stood closer to the side of the water, watching the fish move around in the pond where he'd kicked the rock. "We're both messed up fuckers that have no idea what we're tryin' t'do with this shit we don't deserve," he said with a scathing smirk. Kodi started to turn to say something else, but he misjudged how close he was to the water and how firm the ground was... And ended up slipping and tumbling backwards into the water with a huge splash.

[Deleted]

Oriel smirked and snorted back. “That’s different. It was you and not me.” Because that made all the sense in the world. He shook his head. “Nah, that’s not…I mean, yeah, that is what I mean, but there’s more to it than that. I ain’t sure how to explain it real well.” Oriel took a breath and let it out slowly while he tried to collect his thoughts. “Like…actions speak louder than words, or something like that. Like, if I’m going to do it, then I’d rather do it in my own time, when I’m good and ready.” Which still didn’t say much about his hypocrisy. “And you…I don’t know…I do know that sometimes I just need a little push to do it…so I was thinking you might’ve needed one too.” Because Phoenix had always been good about giving that to Oriel, and back then, Kodi didn’t have Gryph around to give him that encouragement.

“I don’t know if that makes any sense.” Oriel should just stop trying to rationalize it already. He knew his thinking was fucked up anyway.

“I been trying to do that. And I do trust Phoenix, for the most part.” It was that second clause that was the problem. “He’s just so absent sometimes, like a little kid, I’m afraid he’s going to hurt himself. And…” Oriel probably shouldn’t say this to Kodi, but he was going to anyway. “….it’s other people I don’t trust to not take advantage of him.” Like Gryph. Oriel was always afraid of the whole one-thing-led-to-another situation popping up and Phoenix just being too passive to refuse a friend he ‘loved’. “I’m really paranoid,” he said with a disheartened chuckle.

“Mmmhmm…” Oriel hummed into his arms, the heat from his face starting to get uncomfortable. But if he lifted his head, then Kodi was going to find out that Oriel’d just been blubbering silently all this time. And his pride wouldn’t—-

Oriel heard a splash from nowhere and, startled, he couldn’t help raising his head to see. And what he saw was Kodi flapping around in the pond after having fallen in, however that happened. A sharp laugh burst from his lips and Oriel cradled his forehead in his palm as the giggles started to take over. His cheeks were still damp and prickled red.

[Deleted]

Kodi listened to Oriel's "explanation" with half-lidded eyes, unconvinced of the reasoning no matter how the boy tried to word it. "Yeah well... I don't think she believed any the tiny apology I managed t'get out anyway, so don't act like y'knew that I felt apologetic, 'cause I didn't," he grumbled, shaking his head. Then a moment later he snorted and sort of reached over and ruffled the younger boy's hair. "But, see, you ain't all bad. You tried."

He had to laugh as Oriel explained why he worried about his boyfriend. "He does seem kinda lost in the clouds all the time," Kodi chuckled, thinking about the times he'd interacted with the pixie. More than once he'd noticed Phoenix walking down the hall, apparently lost in some daydream until he ran into someone's open locker door. "Yeah.... I can see why you'd worry," he went on, hiding his snickering at the memories. "He seems like he'd be... Easy t'manipulate. Maybe you should keep a GPS on him or somethin'. Or a leash." A really really long leash... Now Kodi was just giggling again.

He wasn't laughing after his slip, though. Kodi was wearing tight jeans, for one thing, and now there was no way he was gonna get them off until they dried. He gasped as he came up for air, flailing around and scaring off all the fish. "Ahh!" he whined, splashing back over to the bank and crawling up into the grass again. "Shit's cold!" Kodi glared at Oriel and his stupid face, before reaching into the water and sending a huge splash his way. "Shut up!" he growled, but his lips were quivering like he was holding back a smile. "That was fuckin' embarrassing!"

[Deleted]

Whatever. Oriel knew Kodi felt bad about it, no matter what he said otherwise. But it was true and part of the reason why he never bothered to do it himself. It wasn't enough, and half the time people just threw it right back in your face with disdain. However, Oriel had hoped that George would have been a little bit more forgiving, especially after Oriel had talked to her. "Yeah...." Oriel sighed. "...maybe I should talk to her again? She doesn't get a lot of shit, not where she's from. Fuck...I think if we met under different circumstances, she could've just as easily hated me for being a dick instead of you..." He'd explained to George that he and Kodi were pretty much the same...Oriel wondered how much of that she believed.

Oriel snorted at Kodi's suggestion. "Already did it. The leash thing. Got the point across real quick." Just as he'd hoped. But Phoenix still had issues with being forgetful and absent...Oriel assumed that part of that had to do with his drug history, but some of it was just because that's just the kind of person Phoenix was. And Oriel...as annoying as it was sometimes, he still enjoyed watching the boy bound around like a hyperactive, innocent child.

While Kodi was flailing around in the water, Oriel was pretty much rolling over onto his side and clutching his stomach, he was laughing so hard. Oriel didn't think he'd be able to get a laugh like this out of him with Phoenix gone, but here he was, chuckling all jolly-like and pointing at the object of his humor like the kid he was. "No shit!! I should've got that on camera or something. No, wait!" Oriel pulled out his phone and pointed the lens at Kodi. "C'mon, do a double take! Promise I'll get it this time!"

[Deleted]

"Meh, don't worry about it," Kodi waved the offer off. "I don't care what that bitch thinks. She can think I'm the devil and it ain't all that far from the truth." At least, in his mind. And all she'd seen of him was that side, so why would she think any differently? "... Why're the two of you friends anyway?" he asked with a furrowed brow. "How'd that even happen?" If he and Oriel were so much alike, it seemed like they'd have the same frie- nope, never mind, how they felt about each other's boyfriends nixed that idea.

He gave a short laugh. "I shoulda known, you kinky bastard," Kodi chuckled. Not that the dentokinetic was one to speak - he had all kinds of things he was starting to get Gryph to do or have done to him. At least he didn't have to worry about Gryph wandering off and getting lost in his own house or anything, though.

"Don't you fucking dare," he growled when he saw Oriel reach for his phone. "I swear I'll take that from you and dump it in the water too." Kodi stood up, soaking wet and uncomfortable in his now incredibly tight jeans, which were practically plastered against his skin. "Fuck you," he growled, starting to move away from the water. "How about I record your ass gettin' soaked instead?" He reached forward to try and snatch the device away from Oriel while attempting to shove him closer to the water at the same time.

[Deleted]

“You ain’t that bad,” Oriel said. Though Oriel could understand the tendency to call oneself the name they assumed everyone else must think of them as. Devil. Monster. Asshole. Dick. Different words, same connotations. Where did guys like them come from anyway? “Why…?” That was a good question. “Don’t know…guess she just caught me at the right time.” Oriel smiled, reminiscing about the first time he and George met. “Actually, the first time we met, I said something nasty to her and she got so depressed, she overused her power and gave herself amnesia.” Oriel snorted at the memory. “So, of course, I fucked with her. By the next five minutes, I had her thinking she was some European princess and I was her fiancee.” It was a horrible thing to do, but there was no harm done in the end. And apparently George thought it was funny enough to befriend him and hold no hard feelings. “…..she, uh…came to see me in the hospital ‘bout a week later.” That meant a lot to him, actually.

“Uh-huh, you should’ve know what? Shit, I bought that kit special just for him, and he gets all whiney ‘bout it.” It was adorable, actually, seeing the pouty fuss Phoenix put up when Oriel tried to get him to wear the shit.

Oriel poked at the phone, trying to get it to focus on the sopping-wet boy. “Like shit I’ll let you. You gotta catch me first!” Oriel challenged, gradually getting to his feet in preparation to run away. He jumped back when Kodi swung out towards him. “Whoop! Ha ha, missed me!” he taunted. No way was Oriel going to fall for that trick, especially not with his phone in hand. He couldn’t afford to replace it! But this…this was too good to not capture on camera. “C’mon, what’s the matter, tooth-boy? You ain’t camera-shy, are you?”