Don't Hate Me (Kodi)

[Deleted]

"Come to the pond I got cigs"

Oriel had been in his room, doing his normal mope routine, when his phone chimed. At first he thought it was from Phoenix, another one of his "I miss you" messages sent from the far off place that was his father's house. Oriel honestly didn't know what to think about that. All his instincts said it was a bad idea, but on the other hand, the old man seemed to be the only person willing to put in the effort needed to make sure Phoenix was taken care of. He couldn't depend on anyone else for that; not the school, not his friends, not even Gryphon himself, the bastard. After all that talk about wanting to be there for his best friend...well, where was he? Phoenix had gotten bad enough that he had to be taken to the hospital! Oriel had nearly had a heart attack when he'd heard about it. That was exactly why it was a bad idea for the two of them to be separated, dammit!

Digressing thoughts aside, Oriel was surprised to see that the message was from Kodi.

Kodi almost never texted him, and that little bit had dwindled to a complete halt after the incident he had with Kodi and Gryph(and later Phoenix). Oriel had maybe tried reaching out to him once or twice, but....well, he got the distinct impression that Kodi didn't want to see him anymore. Why would he? Oriel had single-handedly ruined everything good that Kodi ever had going for him, all because he couldn't keep his shit together.

It was several moments that Oriel stared at the text, re-illuminating it on the screen of his phone when it started to dim.

This was a trick. Had to be. Someone stole Kodi's phone and sent this. Kodi was just telling him to come out so he could yell at him, right?

Oriel closed his eyes, feeling the anxiety start to build. He closed his eyes and took a few deep, extended breaths.

Then he was out the door, practically running to the pond, hoping he could outrun his anxieties and worries before they caught up with him and kept him from doing anything at all. As he approached, Oriel searched for the figure of the dentokinetic. Once spotted, he rampaged forward and collapsed face first into the grass next to his friend, his back heaving up and down as he attempted to regain his breath. "I'm....here....." he huffed into the ground.

[Deleted]

Kodi wasn't quite sure what he was getting into.

He'd promised Gryph he was going to absolutely not do or be tempted to do any sort of funny business with Oriel anymore. At first he'd thought he should remove any and all temptation by not seeing the ink manipulator at all anymore, but... It had become clear to him after a while that it just wasn't fair to either of them. Oriel was.... His friend. One of the only friends he had. And since Kodi was fortunate to have been able to keep his relationship together with his incredibly forgiving lover, he just... Wanted to give this a chance.

If there was any sort of spark or indication that things might spiral downward, Kodi was booking it out of there. For now, he pulled out the first of the pack of cigarettes he'd just bought, lighting it up and sucking in a lungful as he sent the text to Oriel. He was more of a drinker than a smoker, but it felt like something that could help just... Keep both of them calm.

Oriel didn't respond, which Kodi didn't know was a good or a bad thing, but he waited, hoping the younger boy would appear.

And he did, finally.... And dramatically.

Kodi just stared as the boy collapsed next to him, his arm frozen in place with the cigarette near his slightly parted lips. ".... I see that," he finally replied, clearing his throat and looking away a little awkwardly. "Uh... Here." Kodi held the box out to Oriel, offering the lighter along with them.

Now.... What? Kodi hadn't really planned that far ahead. "So uh.... Tumblr is some weird shit, huh?" he finally asked, referring to some... Shenanigans that had been occurring online between the two of them and their respective boyfriends. "You an' Phoenix act like y'haven't seen each other in weeks, from all the melodramatic "I miss you's" poppin' up," he grunted, taking another breath of smoke.

[Deleted]

Oriel wasn’t thinking about whether things would go south or——ok, no he was thinking about that terribly, worried that maybe this was a fluke and maybe Kodi meant to text Erik or something or someone else and had sent it to Oriel by accident. But the point was that Kodi had sent it to Oriel’s phone and that was just as good an invitation as any to bolt it across the campus to go see him. Because…well, Kodi already hated him, it wasn’t like things could get any worse than that, right? And by the off chance that this was him reaching out, Oriel didn’t want Kodi thinking that it was unwelcome.

Theeere we go, that’s positive thinking! Goooood booooy, Oriel!!

Face still planted in the grass, Oriel smiled as his worries were erased with Kodi’s offer of the cigarette pack. Oriel turned his head to look up at the dentokinetic, his eyes just barely peeking out of his (gorgeous) hair that had grown well past his shoulders now. He hadn’t shaved in a good while, and it was obvious. Oriel rolled onto his side and grabbed the pack and lighter, popping one out and lighting it with a quick flick of the lighter after putting it to his lips.

His eyes fell down from his…friend’s face when Kodi brought up all those shenanigans. “Yeah….Phoenix told me I should start one so we could….” Well, so they could share stuff and interact easier while they were being kept apart. They could keep the boys from seeing each other, but they couldn’t keep them from finding ways to communicate, if only a little. It had been both relieving and even more stressful all at once, especially when he realized how many of his other friends(and non friends) were on there.

Oriel propped himself up on his elbow, his eyes going wide when Kodi indicated that…shit… “I thought….I thought you knew.” He thought Gryph would have told him something about what had happened. “Phoenix ’n me ain’t allowed to see each other…” he said despondently, his gaze falling down to the grass. “Not since….” Oriel wasn’t sure now how much Kodi knew…and Oriel wasn’t sure he could say everything out loud without breaking down…again. “…been ‘bout two months now…” he muttered.

His cigarette continued to cook. He hadn’t even started smoking it yet.

[Deleted]

Kodi watched Oriel uncertainly as the younger boy finally moved from his faceplanted position, taking in the sort of disheveled appearance without comment. Hah no that was a lie. "Y'look like y'need t'shave," he mumbled, frowning. "And get a freakin' haircut, y'look like a hippie." He shook his head and returned his eyes to the water. Oriel was still good-looking though, a little extra hair wouldn't change that.

"So you could be gross an' shit online as well as in person?" Kodi finished for him with a sarcastic smile. Not that he could talk; Gryph was turning the dentokinetic into a freaking marshmallow, he was getting so soft. Still, he hoped Oriel wouldn't take offense to it; if nothing else, Kodi's jibes were just proof that he was pretty much over the ordeal that had happened between the two of them. Not forgotten, but over it.

His brow furrowed quizzically as Kodi glanced back at Oriel. "Huh?" What was he talking about? "Knew what?" He'd been sort of avoiding the younger boy until now, so Kodi was unaware of what had happened after their incident. "The fuck? Says who? Hammel staff or somethin'?" He was incredibly confused. "What the hell'd you do, beat him or somethin'?"

Of course, Kodi didn't realize he was pretty much on target. Oriel had always treated Phoenix like glass, so the dentokinetic didn't think he would ever lay a bad finger on the fragile pixie. "Shit, that's a long time. Ain't been able t'sneak around for sex or nothin'?" That sounded like absolute torture. At least Kodi could see Gryphon, even if he lived off campus.

[Deleted]

Oriel chuckled into the grass at Kodi’s complaints towards his appearance. “I been off my game lately, haven’t had the…just haven’t done it.” Oriel hadn’t had much willpower to be upkeeping his normally gorgeous look. Half of that was due to his depressive state while being separated from his Phoenix. The other half was due to him feeling a little horrible and out of it from a cocktail of medications they’d been forcing down his throat.

And then there was that stupid anger management class…and then regular meetings with Sean to gauge his “progress”. Then he’d been “volunteering” down at the church lately, to keep himself occupied while he had no Phoenix to do.

“Yeah, exactly,” he shot back, not going into his explanation any further about his sudden online appearance. Oriel was tired. So tired that he didn’t want to explain anything. He’d pretty much just gave in and stopped resisting against the shit the staff wanted him to do, because that was taking up far more energy than if he just went with it. He didn’t like it, he was still pissed off a lot…but fuck.

Oriel supposed it was possible for Kodi to not have heard about what had happened. They hadn’t spoken since the incident, after all. Guess Oriel just assumed he’d heard through the grapevine, or that Gryphon had given him the details. “…..pretty much,” he mumbled, burying his face in his arms. His still smoldering cigarette was lazily held out away from him. “…tried that. Just made things worse.” Sneaking around pretty much guaranteed that they’d be kept apart until graduation…if Oriel even graduated. He wasn’t so sure he could do it now.

[Deleted]

Kodi shook his head, a little bewildered by all of this. "Well, shit, y'better get back on your game unless you wanna keep lookin' like a hobo," he replied, flicking some ashes into the grass. "'Course, you'd still be one'a the hottest hobos ever, but I guess that's from me bein' biased." His tone wasn't flirtatious, just... Factual. Kodi was over their chemistry (for the most part) due to their last incident. He was not letting anything potentially ruin his relationship again.

"Hmph," he retorted smartly, picking at the grass with his free hand. "Well, Gryphon's been postin' the most ridiculously cheesy an' grossly romantic stuff I've ever seen, so guess I can't complain." He would never say that to Gryph, of course - and in fact, Kodi secretly enjoyed the cheesy things, despite him saying and acting like he didn't. It just... Wasn't his style. Yet. He was really going soft though...

Kodi didn't expect what came next though. He'd never been one to listen to gossip. "... Wait, fuck, what?" Kodi asked after a moment of bewildered silence. He squinted his eyes. "You shittin' me?" Of course, Oriel's reaction said it all. ".... Fuck... I-I didn't know, I didn't mean t'say..." The dentokinetic sighed and pawed a hand through his bleached hair. "When did it... How...?" This was upsetting Kodi more than he would have imagined. If he got to enjoy the love and support and presence of someone who cared about him, Oriel damn deserved it too. "That's such shit. Who do they think they are, your fuckin' parents?" Kodi growled. "How much longer they makin' you do it?"

[Deleted]

“Yeaah,” he mumbled. “Maybe I’ll shave today.” It really had been a while. And Oriel wasn’t sure he liked the full beard look. Especially since it didn’t look all that nice coming in. As mature as he looked sometimes, he still only got select patches of facial hair, just enough that he could manage it stylishly, but not enough that he grow something like a neck-beard or something. Not that he’d ever got for that look….shudder.

Like Kodi, Oriel was mostly over whatever chemistry they had. Maybe it was there, maybe it wasn’t, maybe he could engage in it again if he wanted to, but with the loss of Phoenix from his life, Oriel had lost all motivation for it. All he wanted was his Phoenix again…and not even awesome sex with Kodi was going to change that or make it better. And besides….he’d already screwed up his relationship enough.

It just…pissed him off, seeing Kodi and Gryph be all lovey with each other when he and Phoenix weren’t even allowed to be in the same room with each other. Yes, he was envious….and felt like they were rubbing it in his face all the time. Even though all of that mush was only stuff he’d been witnessing online…

“Yeah.” That was probably the only word he’d be able to get out about this…maybe not. “Right after…the thing with you and Gryph….” Oriel was mumbling, he didn’t even know if his words were coherent. “….that’s pretty much it. I’m only 17. The school’s got guardianship on me…they can make me do anything, apparently.” Oriel popped his eyes out from his arms and looked across the grass towards the pond. “Even making me take a bunch a shit.” He had to report to the infirmary at least twice a day. And if he didn’t show up, someone came to get him. It sucked. “Don’t know. ’Til I make “progress”, they said.” Whatever that meant.

[Deleted]

Kodi smirked slightly. "Need help with that? Been so long, you mighta forgot how t'do it." Of course, he couldn't really talk - Kodi rarely needed to shave at all. Yay ancestry. In all honesty though, he was just picking on Oriel for something to talk about without being too serious; that's what he needed after their last encounter. If he wanted, he too could bring up his old lust again, but... There was no point. He had all he needed with Gryph. And Oriel needed to be faithful to his own as well.

He hadn't meant to be rubbing their relationship in Oriel's face online. Maybe Kodi should have taken the hint with all of that depressing "miss you" shit that Oriel seemed to be posting, but shit... He was so lost in his own little world, he hadn't even paid attention.

Kodi had already sort of guessed when it had happened. Oriel had been so forward with him that night when he'd gotten drunk, but he'd warned the dentokinetic how he could get when he was in that state. "Fuck..." he mumbled. "S'kinda my fault, then..." He'd been the one to suggest it, after all. He'd provided the drinks. Fuck fuck fuck. "That's such bullshit. You guys should... I dunno. Run away." Kodi shook his head, sucking in more smoke. "Nah, don't do that, that'd make it worse..." He didn't know what advice to offer. This was a bad situation. "Well, the fairy obviously ain't mad at ya, with all his stuff he's been postin' too. It can't... The separation can't last forever." He knew that was little consolation now, though. Kodi sighed. "You made any 'progress'?" Kodi looked over and, seeing a piece of fuzz on Oriel's shirt, plucked it off without really thinking about it.

[Deleted]

“Don’t know, might.” Oriel laughed, though it was a hollow kind of laugh, not even ranking in the realm of half-hearted. The small pokes of banter were comforting, though. It told him that he and Kodi really were okay. That their friendship wasn’t damaged beyond repair after Oriel’s fuck up.

Oriel was…really….happy about that. So much he could feel his eyes starting to sting.

Good thing his head was buried in the ground. Kodi would probably just make fun of him for being so emotional. Erik hadn’t understood it either.

“Ain’t your fault,” he grumbled. “I should’ve known better….I did know better….hell, I was trying to convince myself it was a good idea.” That brought out another doleful chuckle. Oriel really hated himself, for not even listening to his own better judgment. “Mm…thought ‘bout it. Running.” He kind of did, though his intention at the time wasn’t about running away with Phoenix…it was just about running away. By himself.

He hated himself for that too.

“Don’t know,” he said again. “Don’t even know what that shit’s s’pposed to mean.” Oriel had a feeling it was more than just not getting into fights and doing what they told him without question. Oriel knew he was in a real bad way, even if he did everything right on the outside. “…I’m sick of being pissed all the time,” he said into the grass. Oriel watched the glow of the cigarette as it traveled slowly down the shaft, wondering when the long stick of ash would finally collapse under it’s own weight and fall to the ground. What a waste of a cigarette…

[Deleted]

Kodi shrugged uncomfortably, still feeling that he was to blame to some extent. "Still, if I was a decent friend, I never woulda tempted you in the first place," he muttered, thinking back to that night. Had he really changed so much in the last couple months? "... Fuck, I really have been a shitty person," he mumbled under his breath. "Fuckin' moron's been making me go soft in the head, an' now all I can think about is all the bad stuff I've done. Shit... Is this really what love does to a person?" He realized he was going off on a tangent, and reeled himself back in, looking over at Oriel and his sad expression. "Sorry... Guess I shouldn't talk 'bout that kinda stuff when you're..." Unable to see his own lover? Yeah...

"They ain't explained t'you what you gotta do?" Kodi asked, scoffing. "Whatta bunch of bullshit. It's like they're just tryin' t'make you miserable." And the dentokinetic wouldn't put that above the staff at Hammel; he swore sometimes some of them just tried to make their lives more difficult. "I know that feelin' real well," he sighed, sitting back on his hands and looking up at the sky. "An' I can't tell ya how t'fix it, 'cause I still let my demons control me sometimes..." Not nearly as much as he used to, but they were still there, buried and festering.

He looked over again. "You gonna smoke that, or what?" he asked with a thin smile. "I bought this whole pack with my own money, y'know. I'd rather it didn't just end up in the dirt." His own stick was nearly done, so he tossed it into the grass and snuffed it out with the heel of his shoe. "You can have 'em," he said, offering the box over to the other boy. "I don't smoke all that much, an' I don't think Gryph likes the smell anyway. 'Sides, looks like you could use them more than me."

[Deleted]

Oriel managed a short laugh. “The fuck? We gonna fight to see who’s more fault it was?” It was ridiculous. But it was enough to have Oriel smiling into his forearm or a time. He continued to stare out onto the water, watching the surface ripple slightly as bugs skimmed across it while fish poked their mouths up to eat them. It was pretty calming. “It’s fine….but, yeah…it does kinda do that to you, I guess.” Oriel was sort of speaking from experience. “I think it more like, I want to do better…so I can match up to ‘im.” And down went his head again, into the cage of his arms. “Make myself worthy or something, I don’t know…” Oriel was always struggling to be as good as Phoenix…and ultimately failing.

But Kodi’s griping about Oriel’s situation…he wasn’t sure if he should be irritated with it or touched. On the one hand, Oriel liked that Kodi was getting upset for his sake. On the other, him just reiterating the facts wasn’t really helping and was only reminding Oriel of the tight spot he was in. “Mmm…it’s…fucking hard….” And what’s worse is that it shouldn’t be.

He turned his head and rested his ear against his arms, still holding out the unsmoked cigarette. “Nah, it’s fine. I, uh…” He hesitated, flitting his eyes to the side. “…I’m actually not s’pposed to smoke no more either…has something to do with the…” It felt awkward saying it like this, but he couldn’t think of any other way to do it. “The drugs ’n shit they got me on.” Oriel gave the pack a stare and took it anyway after a brief moment. “Erik might want ‘em.” That snake could probably use them too, with his own drama going on.

Oriel was silent for another brief moment, turning back to look at the water, the sun glistening off it’s surface. “Hey, Kodi….um…can I ask you something?”

[Deleted]

Kodi, honestly, didn't really know Phoenix all that well, and had (or at least used to have) a biased opinion about him. And while he still didn't like the pixie, he knew that Oriel loved him so he grudgingly had to get along with the guy. Not to mention he was Gryph's best friend as well. Still... "I guess I don't really know how 'good' Phoenix is, so I can't say anythin' t'that," he mumbled. It was the first time in a while, he thought, that he'd called the boy by his actual name. "I mean... Y'know, I hooked up with him that once, but I don't really know much 'bout him." For all he knew, he and Phen might have gotten along fine if not for Kodi's jealousy.

"You're hard...." Kodi muttered under his breath automatically. It wasn't really appropriate, but he couldn't help himself. Whoops.

"Huh," he replied, fidgeting with the box. "Well, I ain't gonna provide ya with more stuff that might hurt you, then. Done enough of that already." He shivered at the thought of being on a bunch of medications. His family, among their many other faults, had sort of made him frightened of a lot of modern-day medicine with their 'holy' healing beliefs. "... Sounds like it sucks," he mumbled. At the mention of Erik, Kodi looked back down at the pack and shrugged after a moment, handing it over. "You prob'ly see him more than I do, so sure, whatever." He had no idea where he and the snake-boy stood anymore, and he was starting to lose the will to care. He was just... Neutral.

He picked at the grass some more in the silence, until Oriel spoke up again. Kodi slid his gaze sideways at him. "Yeah, sure," he said a little roughly, uncertain what it might be that he was going to ask about. "What is it?"

[Deleted]

When Kodi hooked up with Phoenix, it had been when he was lost in a very bad way, completely drowning in his addiction. That Phoenix had been apathetic, rude, but even then, Oriel still remembered seeing hints of the good person he was. That might have been what drew Oriel to him…emotionally, obviously. Oriel would have fucked him regardless. “Well…if it weren’t for him, I’d never’ve worked up the nerve to ‘pologize to a bunch of people I really needed to.” Like AJ…Mia…Kodi’s old roommate, Benny. He’d meant to do so to Cam, but that kid was gone and graduated now. He’d even apologized to Gryph on a couple occasions, but that guy seemed to be ignoring him completely now.

Oriel didn’t know why that made him even more depressed. Oriel didn’t even like the bird boy….right?

The corner of his lips twitched, as if threatening to smile at that last remark. “Oh, baby…” he said in a monotone voice.

He sighed, finally flicking the ash of most of the cigarette into the grass. “Yeah…wasted a perfectly good cigarette though.” Oh, well. He looked up to Kodi, an eyebrow raised. “You guys still haven’t, uh…” What? Reconciled? Oriel didn’t know what to call it. That made him sad too. He hated that none of his friends got along with each other…hell, those same friends of his didn’t even get along with Phoenix. Oriel wondered what the deal was with that and the only common factor he could find was him right smack in the middle. It had something to do with him, his (flawed) logic told him.

Oriel hesitated again in speaking, unsure of exactly how to phrase it. But it was something he’d been wondering for a while, he just hadn’t the nerve to ask…and it was a selfish reason why he wanted to know. Oriel opened his mouth to speak. “How….” he started slowly. “….what happened?” Oriel took a breath. “Like…what happened that pissed you off so much that you….that you just started hating the whole fucking world?” Oriel squirmed uncomfortably. “You don’t gotta answer if you don’t want to.”

[Deleted]

Phoenix did seem an awful lot different than Kodi remembered him, 'cause he usually only fucked people that could put up with his snark and give it to him in return. Gryph was an odd case but... That was why Kodi's relationship with the moron was changing him so much. "That's good," he mumbled, staring down into the water. "... I wonder how a couple'a fuck-ups like us ended up with such selfless people," he went on softly. "Are they just attracted to broken things? It just... Don't seem fair." Kodi thought he would probably never feel worthy enough for Gryphon. No matter what the older boy said or thought, the dentokinetic still saw him as an angel, as cliche and cheesy as that sounded.

His own mouth quirked as Oriel actually responded to his small, dumb joke. "See, now if we'd've ended up together and the two've them would've ended up together, that seems like it'd make more sense," he mused. "They even grew up together and shit."

But there was no point on mulling over that, because it hadn't happened, and Kodi was more than content with who he'd ended up with. "Mm... I dunno," he sighed, flicking a leaf into the water. "I tried to apologize but he just punched me and asked me t'leave. So I'd say no." He felt like maybe a tiny bit of progress had been made, but he couldn't find the umph to beg on his knees or anything to the guy. Wasn't worth it. "Gryph don't like him though, so whatever."

He didn't have time to waste on people that didn't like him, now that he had at least one person who did.

Kodi's face turned quizzical when Oriel seemed to have difficulty getting out what he was trying to say. "What happened...?" he repeated, confused until Oriel explained what he meant. "Ahh..." he breathed, his dark-rimmed eyes raising to look up at the clouds, as if the answer lay there. "That... Is not an easy answer." When had it happened? Had it been all of a sudden, or gradual, over the course of time? "Guess when I came here, I realized all the shit I'd put up with back home was... Not normal like I'd thought." Racism, homophobia, meta-fearing... His town had been rampant with it, how was he supposed to now better? "But... People are shitty everywhere in other ways. No matter how I tried t'express myself, I'd get taunted for one reason or another. So I figured if I just stopped carin' and started treatin' everyone the same, then no one could hurt me." It hadn't worked, obviously. The more Kodi put on his apathetic facade, the more he believed it, until he festered and turned to violence and aggression.  "... Why d'you ask?"

[Deleted]

“Don’t know,” he mumbled. “It’s like…sometimes I think, ‘I fuck up so much, why’re you still here?’. And then I feel like shit for putting him through all my shit.” Even though Phoenix had baggage of his own that needed addressing…it was like he was unconsciously having a competition with him to see whose problems took precedence over the others. So many times Phoenix had had to turn around in the middle of his own crisis just to make sure Oriel was okay. Yet another thing for Oriel to hate himself for.

Oriel shifted, fidgeting in discomfort at the notion. “I hate thinking ‘bout that.” Because it did make more sense. And that scared him. “…I’m glad you and Gryph are together. ‘Cause you deserve some kind of happiness…but also…” He hesitated. “…if Gryph is with you…then he won’t be trying to get together with Phoenix no more…..I’m horrible, ain’t I?” Oriel should probably apologize for being a dick like that…but he just couldn’t say it.

“Heh…Gryph don’t like me either,” Oriel pointed out.

Oriel prepared himself for his question to be shot down, rejected instantly. Maybe even for Kodi to be offended and storm off. The other end of the spectrum was maybe a long-winded story about all the horrible things that had happened to him. But Kodi summarized it a lot more smoothly and concisely than Oriel had expected. And…well, there were no details - Oriel wasn’t sure he’d be able to give them easily either - but it pretty much explained it. “I don’t even know what the fuck’s s’pposed to be normal,” he muttered. But put the way he did…Oriel felt like he could relate. People were shit.

Oriel shrugged. “I don’t know…taking a survey?” Checking to see if there was some sort of common factor between these kids who were so fucked up. “I get it though….I used to uh…” And this was the hard part. Especially since he’d convinced himself that nobody wanted to hear about it. He decided on something else. “I don’t really know when I started doing that….just got sick of dealing with people’s bullshit over everything….”