Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man(Phoenix)

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"N... Not really, not since the first time, at least," Phoenix mumbled, thinking back to when he'd bumped into his dad at the sweets shop. It wasn't something he liked to recall. He smiled faintly as Oriel kept talking, and shrugged a shoulder. "I dunno... It's gross though. I definitely won't become an alcoholic anytime soon on that stuff." Phen smiled faintly at Oriel's worries, and laced their fingers together over the table. "Don't worry, Squish... It'll be alright. At least I'm eatin' and stuff now. I'm... Better than I was before." He knew the less Oriel worried about him, the better off that Oriel would be, but it was still fucking hard to be separated. No, it wasn't just hard, it... It was debilitating. But... What could they do? "I'll do that," he reassured his lover with another hand squeeze. "I promise. You just focus on you, okay?"

He continued to toy with the boy's hand, eventually flipping it over so he could trace his finger over the promise tattoo on Oriel's wrist. "Yeah, they did..." Phoenix said a little hollowly. "I got some stuff t'help me sleep, which has been workin' okay... I'm actually sleepin' a bit at night now. And.." He tried to recall what else he was on. "I got some stuff on hand if I feel a panic attack comin' on. It's supposed t'help stop one happening or something. And then I just got some, uh, general anxiety stuff, I think." He wasn't sure how well that last one was working, but the doctor had said they might need to try different things. "I think I've been doin' a little better, I guess maybe 'cause of that stuff." He didn't feel like he was going to collapse any minute all the time anymore, at least.

"Uhh... I think I put it in my back pocket somewhere," Phen joked, pretending to reach back and 'find' it. "... Nope, I guess I left it at home." Oh well. Cue a giggle. He doubted anyone would allow him to write Oriel's thingies either, unfortunately. Especially considering the stupid separation. Phoenix's breath caught as Oriel's arm wrapped around him, and he squirmed, looking up at his lover with wide, innocent eyes. "It's not like I'm doin' it on purpose," he argued with a small grin. "And I'm still gonna be as skinny as a... A... Beanpole." Or however the saying went. "Yes I'm sure, I've managed t'learn how to do that in the last couple months," he added, rolling his eyes. Phoenix returned to munching his food, eventually picking up a forkful to feed to the taller boy. "Here comes the airplane," he teased, swooping it around Oriel's lips with a grin. Once the boy took it in, Phoenix would seal it with a kiss. "So umm.... How's dance goin', Squish?"

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Oriel chuckled, shaking his head. “Good. I mean, that shit’s pretty good in my opinion, but fuck…I like you better when you’re sober.” He smirked at his lover, remembering the times when Phoenix would be high off his ass on his dust, and then again during the truth or dare party when he was drinking. It was the extreme of completely apathetic to completely silly…and while he preferred the latter to the former, Oriel would rather love him as he was. Just himself. Still, it was kind of cool that his dad was trying to push the junk on him. Oriel wondered if there was purpose to that or if he just didn’t care if Phoenix drank?

“Okay…fuck, I hate having to trust that guy, but you seem like you’re doing good, so…” Oriel trailed off. He knew he had too much of his own shit to worry about than to spend his time worrying about Phoenix. And that was in no way meant to diminish Phoenix’s importance, just that he couldn’t focus on getting himself stable if he couldn’t concentrate because he was always worrying about Phoenix…who was okay. Seeing him okay was more relief than Oriel had gotten in weeks….this night was definitely worth if, even if they only met a short time.

Oriel took some solace from the gentle movements that his lover made across his hand and over his wrist, listening as he defined the junk(not junk really) that they’d put him on. “So…it’s helping you? At least a little?” Oriel wasn’t sure what effect his own medicine was supposed to be having on him. It was doing something, but… “That’s good. The shit they gave me’s just…fuck, I don’t know. Makes my head fuzzy sometimes.” Definitely made it easier to sleep. The first couple weeks had been pretty bad, but Oriel didn’t want to worry Phoenix by telling him about that, when he ran away from the school.

Oriel followed along with the joke with a soft chuckle of his own. He shrugged. “Ah, well, it’ll be fine.” Theeeen came the airplane and Oriel gave himself a headache with the degree of eye-rolling he did at that. Though truthfully, he loved these moments where they acted like a couple of five-year-olds. Fuck, he missed this… Oriel opened his mouth, allowing Phoenix to zoom the food right in, and hummed at the kiss. Oriel chewed exactly three times before swallowing, clearing the way for an answer. “Uh…it’s okay. I guess.” Oriel was lying. Fuck…he shook his head. “It ain’t. I was suspended…I can go to practices ‘n all, but won’t be allowed to perform until all this shit is over with.” He shrugged. “So I got a lot of extra time on my hands…making me go insane a little, so…fucking started volunteering down at the church.” That last part came out a mumble and came with a light blush.

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"I don't usually remember what I'm like when I'm drunk, so..." Phoenix trailed off with a faint smile. He didn't do it all that often, despite what other things he'd done in the past. Drinking had just never been as useful to him as the many other chemicals he'd tried putting in his body. "... He kidna seems to drink a lot though," he added in a musing voice. Phen wondered what that was about. He kept a firm grip on Oriel's hands as he gave him a reassuring nod. Phoenix wasn't okay, per say, but he was far more okay tonight than he had been in months. He wished it would last. "Just remember me like this when you start to get worried thinkin' about me," he said with as much optimism as he could muster. "We'll be back together before you know it." He had to hope.

He nodded in response to Oriel's questions. "Yeah... Yeah, I think so," he confirmed. "It's not like I'm shittin' rainbows and butterflies, but at least my stomach isn't in knots all the time anymore, and I'm managin' t'sleep some." He frowned as his lover described his own experiences. "Do you think it's helpin' in any way?" he Phoenix murmured. "'Cause if not, you should tell someone so you can get it fixed or get somethin' else..." He looked down at the table. "There's this nice person at the local clinic that's been helpin' me, are you goin' there or...?"

Phoenix continued making 'airplane' noises until it had 'landed' in the younger boy's mouth, when he giggled yet again. It was ridiculous, but he loved it. "Love you," he mumbled against Oriel's lips as they broke apart. Phen turned back to his food, but paused when Oriel admitted where he was with his dance. "Oh, honey..." he murmured, frowning. "I'm so sorry... I hope they stop the susse- supes- suspension soon," he said, stumbling briefly over the word. "... Volunteerin'? Really?" That was honestly one of the last things Phoenix would have expected Oriel to do. "... How's that goin'?" he asked, taking another bite of his meal. "You, uh, workin' with nice people, at least?" He wasn't going to say the person that had come to mind when he thought of volunteering. Phoenix didn't like to think of that person anymore. "I mean, I'm really proud of you, that's a good thing t'be doin'! I should probably volunteer more..." At least he had a job, so that was good.

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Oriel snorted. “Fuck, you might be worse than I am.” Probably not. “I….fuck, I remember more than I want to,” he muttered. It was hazy for him. Kind of like remembering a dream, only a lot more vivid…and a hella lot more out of his control. Oriel shook away those thoughts along with his head. He didn’t need to think about them. “No shit?” Oriel had some horrible things to say to make fun of that with…he should probably refrain, though. He didn’t comment further. A smirk curled on one side of his face. “Trust me, I’m burning the image into my memory right now…though maybe I should take a picture…a little something extra for me to enjoy at night.” Oriel growled his usual, seductive growl.

His look softened at those last words, though.

Oriel kept the smile up as Phoenix recounted his experiences with the medication, hiding the outright envy he was feeling towards it. Well, it’s good it’s working for somebody, Oriel thought to himself. What he’d spoken of his own experiences barely scratched the surface of the insanity he’d been feeling. “I don’t know…they said it’d take a while to see anything significant.” And he’d already gotten something else after that. It wasn’t like he could hide it from that damn telepath. Oriel shook his head and pointed his finger loosely towards himself. “Kid…remember? Apparently the school gets to take care of all that shit for me.” And also the courtesy of tracking Oriel down to force him to take it if he didn’t show up when expected.

“Love you too,” he returned with a smile. A smile that quickly turned sour when the subject turned to that of his dance. “Yeah…ain’t no helping it.” It was just like last year when he fucked up with Erik and Kodi…only this time Oriel had no idea how long it was going to last. Oriel sat up and tilted his head in a slight irritation. “Yeah, I don’t know. Gives me something to do, I guess.” Which was more important than suffering through nothing. “Never would’ve considered it if this nosy TA didn’t suggest it.” Oriel paused. “His face fucking bugs me, I kind of want to pop him one in the face and shave off that cotton-ball hair of his, but I guess he’s okay, I don’t know…” Oriel shrugged, giving Phoenix a small scowl. “It sucks balls, don’t do it. They don’t even pay you shit for giving up your time.” He grabbed the fork Phoenix had been feeding him with and started poking at his food like a 5-year-old. “’Least you get a salary or something, right?” He finally took a bite. Oriel wasn’t all that hungry, now that he thought of it.

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Phoenix could imagine which drunk night Oriel might be thinking of, the one that he himself didn't like thinking about - although, as far as he was concerned, it hadn't happened. It'd just been a bad dream. He didn't say anything, but nodded in quiet understanding. He peeked up at the suggestion of taking a picture, and smiled a little as he shrugged. "You can if you want to," he murmured, chuckling at the suggestion in Oriel's voice. "Or I could send you a video like you did for me..." That had been something he'd been using pretty much every night, when he could without his dad getting suspicious.

Phen had hoped that telling Oriel he was getting (a tiny bit) better would help alleviate his worries so he could focus on himself; he hadn't meant to make him feel worse about himself. "Yeah, I think medicine kinda works like that..." he mumbled unhelpfully. "I dunno why. I wish there was more I could do for you..." But what could he do when he couldn't even be in the same room as his lover most of the time, and only then with a supervisor? "Oh... Right," he said quietly. ".... I always forget I'm older than you..." But then again, when he felt like a child, everyone seemed older. ".... At least you'll be an adult pretty soon..." Less than a year wasn't... Too long...

He wished Oriel could be allowed to at least dance, though. That was something that made him happy, and it was like... Like they were keeping that away from him on purpose. Phoenix's face had fallen in sympathy. But the volunteering thing... That had to be good, right? "I'm glad you're gettin' out of Hammel, at least," Phoenix offered optimistically. "... A TA, huh? That's... Interestin'." He didn't think Oriel the type to interact with those kinds of people. "He sounds, uh... Unattractive?" he mused, uncertain how to respond to what Oriel was saying. Although if he said he was 'okay', then the guy couldn't be too bad... Still, something about what he was saying, the volunteering, the cotton-ball hair... No, it couldn't be. Phoenix was just being paranoid. "What uh.... What's his name?" he tried to ask non-chalantly. Just to make sure.

"I think you're supposed t'get paid by feelin' better about yourself, or somethin'," he shrugged, the corner of his lips twisting into a frown. "Yeah... I haven't been workin' a lot though. My boss was nice enough t'hire another part-timer until I kinda... Get back on my feet." They'd sort of bonded, him and his boss, and Phoenix was incredibly grateful for his flexibility. He slowly went about eating as much of his meal as he could - about half of the salad, which was a pretty good amount for him, especially recently. "I'm full," he mumbled as he curled himself around his taller lover again. "I wanna go home. With you."

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Oriel still didn’t get it. How could Phoenix forgive him so easily over something so horrible? Oriel couldn’t even forgive himself, which brought a whole new kind of fucked up to his usual fucked up state. And the more forgiving Phoenix was…the more the guilt weighed on him. Maybe it was because he still couldn’t believe that anyone could love him so honestly like that, because Oriel sure as hell didn’t deserve it. No, after everything he put Phoenix through, the older boy….man…would be more than justified in yelling at the younger, bratty boy. In getting mad. Even in just leaving him altogether. Why did he put up with Oriel’s shit so much?

Oriel returned the smile. “A picture is worth a thousand words, right? A moving picture’s gotta be worth a million.” He leaned in and looked at his lover with lecherous eyes. “And I imagine ever single one of them words is fucking filthy.” Oriel stuck out his tongue. “Perv.”

“Meh, it’s fine. Ain’t nothing to be done anyway.” Just because Oriel wanted him to do something didn’t mean that he could, so best not to depress himself by expecting it.

Sigh…Oriel hadn’t gotten that much better, he realized, if there was so much going on in his head that was so unreasonable, and that he still wasn’t letting Phoenix see. “Yeah…” he said, his face dropping somberly. “……I…I don’t want to be a kid anymore…but I’m…honestly, I’m fucking terrified at what’s gonna happen when I ain’t no more.” The state basically releases him from their care, he stops getting money from them, they stop taking care of a whole bunch of things that he didn’t even know about for him(like medical bills and insurance). If it weren’t for Hammel, he’d be going from living in a home to living on the streets over the course of one day. Which may still happen if Oriel happens to graduate on time…which was incentive for Oriel to purposely fail his classes.

But if Phoenix got that apartment, did that mean he wouldn’t have to worry anymore? He wasn’t going to let Phoenix support him completely, though. His pride as a man would allow it. Oriel needed to find a real job…

“…me too, actually,” he admitted. “I uh…can’t stand being locked away in my room…with nothing to do…” And with nobody around. It actually just made him worse, being isolated like that. “So yeah, ain’t nothing glorious, but it’s better’n nothing.” Oriel managed a smile. “‘Unattractive’…Guess you could say that too.” Phoenix as the exception(and maybe Kodi), Oriel didn’t really go for squints. “His name? Uh…fuck I don’t know. Like “Roo” or some shit like that. Makes him sound like a goddamn cartoon character.” Wasn’t that the name of that one guy from that cartoon about the gluttonous honey-bear?

Oriel stared unamused at his lover. “Guess I’m just rolling in good feels now, huh?” he mocked, though he knew Phoenix didn’t mean anything by it. “You haven’t? Oh….” Shit now Oriel felt bad…because apparently his problems were starting to ripple out and affect people who had nothing to do with him…them… “I guess that’s good, that he’s doing that for you,” he mumbled. Phoenix announced his fullness and Oriel wrapped his arm around his thin lover as he curled up against him. Oriel had left more on his plate than Phoenix had. “Yeah…I want to take you home,” he whispered down to him. “And lay you in my bed…and fuck you until you’re ass is sore and raw…” Oriel tilted Phoenix’s chin up and kissed him gently. “And I won’t stop until the morning sun starts shining through the window…then I’ll close the blinds and pretend it didn’t happen so I can keep going.” Oriel smirked. “How’s that sound?”

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Phoenix was worse off without Oriel than he was with him. That much was obvious after their time apart. It just seemed… Right for him to forgive the boy for all he’d done. Phen had his own problems that Oriel had helped him deal with, this was just a… A fluke. They both needed each other, it was just obvious.

His cheeks turned red as Oriel spoke and leaned in close, and Phoenix met his eyes before turning them downward, feeling the flash of heat run down his body. “Not any more of a perv than you,” he mumbled, smiling faintly. “You sent me the video first, after all.”

Phoenix pondered what Oriel was saying. “I get that,” he said quietly. “I was scared of becomin’ an adult too. And I still forget I am most of the time.” He snorted a bit. “At least you won’t have older people breathin’ down your neck all the time, though. And I’ll take care of you until you find a stable job.” He offered a small smile. “I’m getting some money saved up, y’know. I'm not really spendin’ what I earn on very much, so I should have a decent amount saved for when I can’t stay at Hammel anymore.” Phen thought he could support the both of them for a while if he had to, especially when he went back to working more hours. He could get another job too, if he needed. “Don’t worry about it, Squishy. Just… Just focus on the here and now. We’ll get through this one step at a time.”

They were just at a really tall fucking step right now.

“You’re not like me in that way, then,” Phoenix said softly. “When I’m feelin’ bad, all I wanna do is hide in my bed until everythin’ goes away…” Which had been the majority of what he had been doing lately. It was just easier to hide away from the world for him. “But I’m glad that that’s helpin’, at least a little. He chuckled a little nervously, but it quickly froze in his throat as Oriel said… He said…. “Rue?” Phoenix croaked; his face had gone white, and he was bending away from Oriel as though he’d just spat venom. “Are y-you s-s-sure?” No no no, he couldn’t be back, why would he….?? “That’s… No, I would’ve known, he wouldn’t…” Rue was at Hammel? As a TA? Oh, of course… He would have thought Phoenix would have graduated by now. Phoenix didn’t realize he was trembling until his fork started making noise against his plate. He had curled in on himself, eyes wide with slight panic. He… He needed one of those pills, had he brought one with him…?

He wasn’t even really paying attention to what Oriel was saying now. Phen’s head was spinning, and he was trying not to sway too much from the sudden overwhelming emotions. “Uh… Uh-huh…” he mumbled vaguely without listening. He hardly even registered Oriel’s arm around him until he was being pulled in close and the boy’s lips were on his. On some sudden impulse, Phoenix jerked away from the contact, Rue’s face clear and stark in his mind. “I-I-I’m sorry, I…” Phoenix went to stand, accidentally bumping his legs into his chair and nearly sending their drinks toppling over. “I can’t…” He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do – run away, cry out, or just curl up in a dark corner until this was all over. Because Rue was back, and Phoenix hadn’t realized that he still wasn’t ready for that.

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Oriel looked away, a slightly irritated smile on his lips. “Shit…you’d end up doing that the rest of your life. Don’t think anyone in their right minds would want to hire me for nothing.” Maybe as a janitor somewhere, since cleaning seemed to be the only thing he could do well that they’d care about. He didn’t even think his cooking was good enough to catch the eye of anybody, nor his untrained dancing. And college…getting a degree? Completely out of the question. Oriel nodded. “You keep saving that up. But I ain’t going to let you treat me like some kind of kept house husband or nothing,” he said, pointing a finger at his black-eyed lover. “I’m going to get a job. Somehow.” Even if it was just being a janitor somewhere.

Oriel huffed nervously. “Yeah, you do do that. I do that, and it gives me to much fucking time to think and then I just…” Well, then he gets worse. So much worse. Oriel hated being alone, but he didn’t like being bothered by strangers, so being around people who would leave him alone was the best he could hope for. Or around people he was close with. That was better. Or just straight up with Phoenix. That was the absolute best.

Phoenix’s reaction to the cotton-ball head’s name was…unnatural. Oriel wasn’t expecting that at all. And now he was worried. “What? You know that guy?” How’d Phoenix even know that Oriel’s TA was even the same person he was thinking of? “Oy, Phoenix, what’s wrong?” Oriel’s arm, which was hanging off Phoenix’s shoulder, tensed up and his hand gripped the other boy’s shoulder firmly. “Hey, tell me!” he urged.

It made everything else he’d been trying to do, to tease Phoenix and get him flustered in a mood, completely moot, as now Phoenix was freaking out completely, even pulling away from Oriel’s touch.

Oriel’s heart sank in the face of such outright and obvious rejection. “Phoenix…?” he said, looking up at his lover with a shocked, pained expression. What was wrong? Oriel should have known. He should have realized. He’d seen pictures of the guy in Phoenix’s old sketchbooks, but…all he could think now was that Phoenix wouldn’t let Oriel touch him.

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"I wouldn't mind doin' that, as long as I could have you for the rest of my life," Phoenix murmured, reaching over and giving Oriel's hand a squeeze. "And... You don't know that. I'm sure there're plenty of other people that see how much potential you have, like I do." He brightened. "I know! I'll just start a company and hire you myself. Easy-peasy." Good thinking Phen, good job. He rose an eyebrow as Oriel pointed at him. "What if I like the idea of you stayin' home all day gettin' ready for me t'get back?" he murmured, darting his tongue against his lower lip. "Waitin'... So impatiently... For me t'walk through the door..." He broke into a giggle a few moments later and nuzzled his face against the boy's shoulder.

Phen nodded, smiling sadly. "I know, babe... You have a much more active mind than I do, I think." Then again, the pixie had a more creative mind, so his thoughts tended to wander in abstract paths until his head felt fuzzy and he didn't know what was what anymore. It kept him from sleeping and distracted him from eating.

Know that guy? Did he know that guy? "... Yes..." he whispered, curling his fingers against his thighs. It had to be Rue, who else would it be? It took Oriel gripping him harder to snap Phoenix out of his whirlpooling thoughts. He looked up blankly, though his eyes were glazed. "He's... He's my... He's the one..."

How did he even describe what Rue had meant to him, and what he'd done to him? All the emotional trauma he'd had during those two years alone, they were all because of him. The stupid selfish bastard who never even checked in to see if he was okay...!

He hadn't meant to make Oriel feel bad, he really hadn't. Phoenix was just reeling at the sudden invasion of Rue in his mind, and unfortunately Oriel was the only one around to experience it. "H-h-he left me," he croaked, gripping the edge of the table so hard that the ends of his fingers were white. "And n-now he's back...??" Why? Why did he have to...? He didn't realize how little sense this probably made to Oriel; he'd feel bad about it later. "H-how long have you been talkin' with him?" he demanded, suddenly looking over at Oriel. "Don't believe anythin' he says, he's just... He's a liar and only breaks people's hearts...!"

A couple people were starting to look their way, and Phen slowly realized this. Embarrassed, shocked, and mortified, he finally darted towards the door, crumpling up outside against the wall and heaving in quick, shallow breaths. Fuck, he needed a pill, he needed it now....! "... Oriel..." he whined, guilt starting to weigh in. He was so weak...

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“You? Start a company?” Oriel couldn’t help but laugh…though it was a nice sentiment. Oriel didn’t have the confidence to find anything stable unless he already had an “in” with the employer. Not so much an “in” as…they knew very well he wasn’t going to fuck up just because he was a run-of-the-mill punk. Despite his resistance to start things, when he got himself going, Oriel worked hard. It was something that that priest guy pointed out to him. “You mean, you want to torture me more by being gone all day.” Oriel snorted playfully. “So that when you finally show up…I don’t see nobody but you…” Oriel lifted Phoenix’s face up and left a gentle kiss on his plump lips. “You know you don’t got to do that to drive me crazy.” Phoenix did that well enough by just being Phoenix.

“‘Active’. That’s a way of putting it. More like fucking…” Paranoid, crazy, insane…Oriel didn’t say any of these, though. “…f’you ask me…” He lowered his eyes despondently.

Oriel was going to blame himself for all this later. For not realizing who that guy was. He had seen pictures of him before. Oriel was supposed to be good at remembering people, even if he’d only met/seen them once. The fact that he’d been too beside himself to notice….

But what was he to do now? Phoenix was freaking out. Oriel barely had an idea why. Nothing the pixie revealed under stumbling words made sense. Phoenix had pulled away from Oriel when he tried to hold him. His voice seemed to accuse him of…something…and for whatever it was, Oriel felt a sickening knot develop in his stomach, as the sense that he’d betrayed Phoenix somehow started to sink in and fester. And then his love ran. He ran away. From Oriel.

Oriel didn’t know what to think. He knew even less what to do. His first instinct was to chase after Phoenix - Oriel stood and took a few steps forward to do just that - but would his watcher even let him? And…if Phoenix was the one who rejected him…was it even the right thing to do? Oriel’s second instinct, the far more troubling one, was the same one he always fell into when he was met with rejection. To yell, fling back his own accusations, make Phoenix regret ever getting himself involved with Oriel in the first place. He never loved him…not even once…he was just sticking around because…because Oriel was just some convenient replacement for that asshole who broke his heart.

Oriel fell back into his chair and pulled his legs up to his chest. Oriel couldn’t go after him….not when he was spiraling so out of control himself. Oriel felt a hand rest on his shoulder as he buried his face into his knees. “…he hates me…” he mumbled to Wendy.

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“I could start a company if I wanted to,” Phoenix pouted. Hmph, he might have to do that, just because it didn’t seem like Oriel believed him. He’d show him! But anyway… “Well, distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?” Phen said, only realizing a moment later how much that applied to their current situation. “Um… But yes, that is exactly what I want,” he said, forcefully airy. His appearance of being confident was dashed when he squeaked at the kiss, and he scowled playfully afterwards. “… Yeah, well…” He didn’t have an answer for that. “…. If you say so.”

Phoenix was fairly certain Oriel had seen a fair number of his old sketches, although he’d always tried to keep them out of sight for both of their sakes. He knew he should have gotten rid of them, but… His sketches were like his diary, in a way. They sort of… Catalogued his life into chapters. Like how nearly every little half-hearted doodle he was able to get out now was revolved around Oriel in some way.

His guilt just continued to grow as he huddled out there against the wall, trying to fight through the panic attack that was making his thoughts fire like lightning, making his hands clammy and his heart beat madly in his chest. It’ll be over soon, just let it run its course. he thought to himself as he fought the urge to run again. Just let it go…

It took some time, but eventually Phoenix managed to get his anxiety under control. He spent a couple more minutes outside until his heartbeat had slowed down to almost normal and his breathing wasn’t so quick and short anymore. Of course, Oriel was the first thing that invaded his thoughts once the panic was gone, so he heaved himself up off of the ground and nervously went back inside, keeping his head bowed and hoping no one was staring at him too much.

He found his way back to the table and, gaze still downcast, sat back in his chair. “S… Sorry…” he whispered, trying to hunker himself down against Oriel’s side for comfort. “Th-that wasn’t anythin’ t’do with you, I j-just never expected you t’meet… Him…” He took a deep breath and nuzzled closer. “I-I d-don’t wanna see him…. N-not until I’m more… Prepared…” Phoenix wasn’t sure how to prepare, exactly, but he knew he’d probably have to fight his past demons eventually… Even if he was probably still cruelly beautiful and calm and could make Phen’s heart freeze with one look of his dark, deep-set eyes. “… You okay?”

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How could he do this to Phoenix? He should have known better, he should have paid attention more, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Phoenix wouldn’t have pulled away from him and run.

Oriel tried to tell himself that it was okay. Phoenix would be back. Even if he didn’t come back tonight, he would probably tell him what happened tomorrow? Or maybe when Oriel wasn’t feeling like he’d turned the entire world against him, he’d send a message himself and ask what was going on? Maybe…Oriel didn’t know what to do, everything just seemed like the wrong answer to him and full of ‘what if’s.

What if Phoenix had been traumatized because of that night and this was him finally reacting to it? What if Phoenix realized just how horrible a person he was in comparison to this Rue person? Or what if Phoenix really did think that Oriel betrayed him by speaking amicably to this Rue guy and even taking his advice? Or what if Rue was actually a horrible person like Oriel and now suddenly getting into the volunteer thing made him too similar to that guy for Phoenix to want to be around, because he reminded him too much of Rue…?

They were all ridiculous notions, but Oriel couldn’t keep himself from thinking them. He could keep himself from acting on them, however, and that’s why he stayed in that chair, holding tight to his legs like they were some sort of anchor. He was certain other patrons were staring, which just made him feel even more…Oriel glared a look of death at the waitress who’d come to check on him. Wendy shooed him away.

Oriel didn’t look up when he finally heard Phoenix’s voice again. How long had it been? Long enough for Oriel to feel a little bit calmer and in more control, but not long enough for him to have the will to move. “I…I know….I shouldn’t’ve told you nothing,” he said from his cocoon. “…you don’t got to see ‘im…ever, if you don’t want to…I-I won’t either. Might fuckin’ kill ‘im if I do…” Oriel voice was cracking, and trembling slightly. He took a deep breath and lifted his head as he released it. “Yeah,” he breathed shortly with a sniffle. Oriel opened his eyes. They were still red. He relaxed his grip on his leg with one hand and shifted to wrap his arm around his nuzzling Phoenix, pulling him closer. “S….sorry…” he muttered, resting his chin on Phoenix’s head. “C-can I just hold you? Just like this…forever?” Or at least the rest of the night…

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Phoenix felt incredibly guilty, now that he was back under control. Poor Oriel, he hadn’t done anything, he’d just happened to say the wrong name without knowing and now he had to deal with Phen being like this… So he was determined to make it up somehow. He didn’t know how, but… At least he would try not to show how shaken up he was for the rest of the short time they were allowed together.

None of Oriel’s thoughts were really what was going on. Sure, Phoenix was upset that Oriel had even met Rue, but he hadn’t known any better, so it wasn’t right to be upset over that,

Seeing the boy like that, all curled in on himself and obviously upset, made Phoenix’s heart sink. “Squishy… I’m so sorry….” he mumbled as he snuggled in as close as he could. “I didn’t m-mean t’freak out on you like that, it was totally out of line…” Phen just hadn’t known what else to do. “You didn’t know,” he argued quietly, shushing Oriel’s own apologies. “I… Should probably see him… Eventually…” If only to get over the demons that were obviously still haunting him now. He took in a shaky breath and slowly let it out. “Don’t… Say that…” he pleaded. “I don’t want you t’get into more trouble because of this. Please.” He stretched up and pressed his lips to Oriel’s cheek when he finally looked up, and let himself be pulled in closer into the boy’s embrace with a relieved sigh. “Yes,” he mumbled, even though he knew they couldn’t. “Please…. Don’t go.” He hid his face against Oriel’s chest, trying to ignore the whispers and stares he was sure they were still getting around them.