We've Perendinated Long Enough [Oriel]

[Deleted]

Perhaps the two of them, Gryphon and Oriel, were a lot more alike than than they were different. Sure, there were the obvious differences - rich vs poor, squint vs non-squint, calm and happy vs angry and explosive - but maybe Oriel had the other boy misunderstood as well, blinded by his jealousy and annoyance over his social status. Gryphon hid so much of himself behind that calm demeanor, behind that supposedly cheerful smile, that it was hard to tell what he was really thinking and feeling. Just like how Oriel used his asshole-ry to mask his anger, and his anger to mask his…there were so many layers there, it was hard even for himself to see what was underneath it all.

Oriel had been fooled, thinking that Gryph was such a positive individual, that he never thought that there was anything that could make him break down like he did. Though now that he’d seen it, Oriel couldn’t help thinking that something had to be really wrong, so bad that Gryph couldn’t keep himself under-wraps in front of…well, Oriel. And everyone else around them.

Oriel was looking in exactly the wrong place, for some far off figure trying to make a getaway from the place where Oriel stood, but it was actually far closer than he expected when Oriel finally laid eyes upon the broken down form of his…enemy? Acquaintance? He didn’t have the right to call him a friend anymore, so Oriel was having trouble pinpointing the exact nature of their relationship. If he knew, then maybe he’d know better of how to respond to this…person…so broken down and crying before him like there was nothing, and never would be anything good in the world again.

And Oriel still didn’t know why…though he could take an educated guess that it was his fault. Oriel had fucked something up again…

Oriel stood over the crouched Gryphon, awkward and unsure of what to do or say. He couldn’t very well walk away either. If this were Phoenix…well, then it’d be easy. Hell, if this were Kodi, or Erik, or AJ, or Mia or any one of his other friends, Oriel would know what to do, without question. If he were an enemy or a stranger, Oriel would know what to do. But, like this, whatever they were, Oriel was uncertain of where the boundaries lied.

What would you want him to do…if the situation was reversed?

Oriel knelt down beside the cowering boy, and slowly wrapped his arms over his back and around his shoulders, and pulled Gryph closer into his embrace. “…I-I’m sorry…” he said as he rested his head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry…” And Oriel felt his own eyes start to burn as tears collected within them.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon was truly a concealed individual. No, his core wasn't pessimistic, but it wasn't as bright and cheery as he usually put off. With people like Oriel, you could usually come to the conclusion that something made them so dark and angry, something had to have unlocked the dark beast inside them who disliked morals and the feelings of others, they had to be hiding something. Gryph... he was good at not seeming fake. And no one thought the happy guy was hiding anything unless he seemed strained or forced, which Gryph wasn't. Most of the time. More recently, obvious, his cover had been blown and slowly taken away, to show that he couldn't act perfectly happy all the time, and that his life... hadn't been easy.

Unlike Oriel, however, he chose forced himself to hide his pain to avoid hurting others, instead of not having the capability to control it, which, he supposed, was a lot worse. But in actuality... it probably burned the same.

Right now, it was burning like a wildfire in his chest, uncontrollable and painfully hot. He was trying to drown it out with his tears, but he just felt like a wreck. Everything he'd kept hidden, all the effort he put into being strong (well, trying to be) and staying almost permanently happy for the sake of others... he just... it was gone. And he felt like there was no way he could ever regain that shield, which was why he was physically hiding. He had to hide somehow.

Gryphon knew Oriel was still there. The avian man was silently considering whether to rip out his wings and really hide, but he didn't have the strength. He was just waiting for something to happen: to run out of tears; to feel the pain fade, or dull, at least; for Oriel to do or say something.

What he actually did.... was a pretty huge shock. But instead of rejecting the intimate hold, he curled into it a bit, raising his head slightly to rest it on Oriel's, all the while sniffling and letting out sobs he didn't have the pride to contain anymore. He needed comfort more than anything at the moment, but he didn't let himself have it... because that meant admitting that he wasn't okay when he 'was'. Now, he had the chance to feel something remotely warm, even if the gesture came from the least likely giver.

The apologies confused him though, and he managed to scrape out words between his cries, "W-Why are you ap-pologising?" He asked, his body occasionally convulsing, "It's n-not y-your fault t-that K-Kodi-" He stopped himself, for some reason still feeling like he could hide it. "....t-things happen."

Now, however, his mind was wrapped around the dentokinetic, every single happy memory stabbing into him and every fight or difficulty seeming worthless. He felt worthless; damaged and unwanted. "...h-he might s-still l-l-love me, b-but..." He was telling him, "...h-he said it was him, n-not me, I d-deserved b-better, I-I would m-move on and b-be h-happy." His voice had reduced considerably by this point, meaning he was almost whispering his next words, "I-I'm not h-happy." Not happy at all. And that description was extremely light.

[Deleted]

What had happened? Oriel could only guess at this point, but as usual, his mind was moving straight to the worst-case-scenario. Maybe things between Gryph and Kodi weren’t as good as Kodi had claimed? That was the most likely, he thought. After all, to find out that your lover was attracted to and about to sleep with someone else, someone you hated…that probably put a strain on their relationship. And one that they were desperately trying to not acknowledge…that was it, right?

Why was he apologizing? “Because…” he started. Because it was his fault, no doubt. That was the only thing he could think of. He’d interfered with the one good thing that had happened for his good friend and completely ruined it. Maybe not directly, but if Oriel hadn’t…then they could’ve….

“Fuck that,” he said. “Things don’t ‘just happen’. They happen because people like…” Like me. “People are shit.”

The two boys were still crouched there, along side the wall outside the coffeehouse, no doubt attracting a collection of stares from indifferent passers-by. They could all go fuck themselves. Oriel pulled Gryph in tighter, adjusting himself around the sobbing boy to yield maximum comfort!

He creased the furrow of his eyebrows in confusion, hearing Gryphon’s explanation of what happened. “W…what?” he asked incredulously. “That…that doesn’t make any fucking sense!” Shit…Oriel didn’t know what Kodi was think—ok, no, he did know exactly what he was thinking. Because it was something that Oriel had considered on and off himself. Hell, it was something he’d done himself, removing his vile self from the lives of people who’d be better off without him. But… “Shit….I was just…I was just talking to him a few weeks ago…he said you guys were fine! And that…” Well, maybe Kodi hadn’t said it explicitly, and definitely not word-for-word, but this was the impression Oriel got. “That….guys like him and me….we gotta cling tight to the people worth keeping around…and…” Shit, this wasn’t coming out right at all, and as Oriel thought back over their conversation….there were red flags all over the fucking place. “That idiot!”

And amid all that emotion, Oriel was feeling rightfully pissed at Kodi now, for throwing away the one person he knew made him happy…because he was…too fucking scared of being selfish, maybe? Oriel wanted to punch him…

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

It was difficult to fight a point when crying. Gryphon discovered that very quickly. People aren't shit, he thought, they're flawed and misunderstood. His throat just caught the words before they could be heard. And Gryph would always see the good side to people. It was an unfortunate disposition, probably bad for him, but he couldn't help it, just like how he just couldn't stop crying. Any attention caught glances had gone completely under his radar.

On top of those, he couldn't help snuggling into Oriel.

....what? He was a good fucking hugger.

The reaction he got from the ink manipulator - of shock and confusion - was fairly expected. Gryph just listened and slowly, slowly calmed down and listened as Oriel got riled up and seemingly pissed off at Kodi. "H-He didn't want to h-hurt me a-anymore..." That was why, apparently, his decision made sense. He was interested to hear what the pair of them had been saying to one another about Gryph and Phen. He shivered a little, slowly spinning downwards from his sobbing, "...I-I... we w-were..." It was hard to explain without revealing anything. And so, he continued to speak more to Oriel about his current issues than he had in a while with Phoenix, which just made him feel worse when he realised it, "F-From everything... I've been r-really stressed recently. I f-finally told him, and s-said that he w-was one of my s-stress inducers, but a-also my biggest pick-me-up." He sighed and sniffed, wiping at his face roughly, "H-He didn't listen to me."

"...he t-told me not t-to make it any h-harder for him, s-so I just said 'okay' and f-fucking let it happen." Why did he mention that? No clue at all. "I let him l-leave. It's-" My fault.

Yes. It was Gryphon's fault that Kodi decided to break it off, definitely. Just because he didn't have the strength to stand up for something he didn't want to lose.

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Maybe if the two of them had talked more, they might have come to some sort of understanding earlier. Then neither one would have “misunderstood” the other so badly. Oriel didn’t…he didn’t want to hate people. He really didn’t. But the things he’d seen from them, the things he’d taken from so many of them, it was hard not to. It was hard to see that there was such a misunderstanding. And after hating the world so much, and for such a long time, to realize that there was no reason for it the whole time….it was heavy on his heart…and it made him defensive…and…but that in no way meant that he liked it..if that made any sense at all.

Gryphon, and his optimistic view of people…Oriel wished he could be like that….

Maybe some of his ‘goodness’ would rub off on him while they continued to embrace? It was possible. Though still, as Oriel listened to the tale of what had happened between Gryph and Kodi…he felt his anger start to return.

Oriel wasn’t just pissed at Kodi, for throwing away the rare thing in his life that made him happy, when he didn’t know when it would possible come again, if at all, but also at Gryph now, for letting the dentokinetic leave. For letting him think that his decision was the right one. For confirming his fears that all a person like him could bring to people was pain…

“You….” Oriel started through gritted teeth. He was going to try and get this out rationally, but it was quickly becoming a struggle. His grip tightened instead. “…are a fucking idiot…” The both of them were, but he’d tell that to Kodi later. “You’re so…you have no fucking clue what you just did…and now you’re here, feeling sorry for yourself over something you….” Fuck, he wanted to punch someone right now. Oriel gripped his hands into tight fists. But he didn’t let go of the boy in his arms. “All you fucking did…!” His voice was getting louder and tears were starting to fall freely from his eyes. Oriel didn’t care. “Is…fucking prove to him that guys like us…” Like him and Kodi. “We c-can…can only bring pain to the people we l-love…and….that you’re just…going to fucking leave…the first chance you get…!” Now Oriel was the one sobbing. He couldn’t help feeling as if it were he who was rejected by Gryph(Phoenix)…when all he wanted was for the other boy to keep trying…to stay…to love him… “…asshole!” he mumbled into Gryphon's shoulder.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Every word stung. Every single fucking word jabbed right into his heart because it was all almost exactly what he'd been telling himself since it happened. I'm so fucking pathetic, letting myself feel this way; it was my fault. That one came up a lot. As Oriel went on, though, his comments definitely felt less related, and he felt a stronger want to stick up for himself - but to what end? It wasn't like he was spewing out nonsense. It was just digging his already low self esteem into a deeper pit. The fact that he was crying as hard as Gryph had been earlier made no difference to it.

"It's my f-fault." He hissed out, "That was what I was going to fucking say before. Don't you think I realise this shit?" He was angry - but moreso at himself than anything. But definitely a bit at Oriel, in the least. "I was struggling to hold myself together, so angry, so upset, I wanted fucking answers. I didn't understand - but because he told me to not make it any harder, I forced myself to stay silent. That was probably the most difficult thing in the world." His chest was heaving, but his words weren't loud - controlled in volume, but not in anger content. "And I know it was the wrong thing to do. I mean, if Phoenix, for whatever stupid reason, decided he wanted a break from you, and asked the same, would you really pester him?" He probably would.

Gryphon found that his hands were fists, just like how Oriel's had gone. And there was still something else, "And you can't tell me to not feel sorry for myself - I can do that all I fucking want. I have no idea what's going on with him now, and I'm really struggling to accept that. I mean, I just want to look after him. And I can't, I can't do that and it's killing me...!" And one more thing. By this point, he was looking at the teenager wrapped around him, "And how dare you tell me to hide my emotions. I do that enough already, and then I get into a serious, upsetting situation and people just want me to keep fucking smiling. Hell, I went into Uni without smiling and people were asking me if I was ill, and when I told them... they all fucking told me it should be a weight off of my shoulders, bar one or two people, and that being upset after getting rid of such a burden is ridiculous and pointless."

"Right now, I'm fucking done with being the happy guy. I am allowed to have other emotions and I'm allowed to fucking feel them." And then he curled up and hid his face, having calmed ever so slightly, and slooowly being on the decrease. He didn't really know why he said so much... it just all came out.

[Deleted]

Oriel had a very good idea of the shit that Kodi was thinking. So maybe there was some level of objectivity there? No, it was mutual subjectiveness. They both fucked up, and Oriel wanted nothing more than to scream at the both of them. But Gryphon was the only one here, so he, unfortunately, got to go first. “Fuck…I didn’t say it was your fault! I said you were a fucking asshole!” He sniffled between his words, as his nose was dripping fluid about as much as his eyes were. “Kodi’s a fucking asshole too! For…for fucking testing you like that…and putting you in that…making you choose ’n…fuck!” Oriel’s voice had not diminished in volume, though it wasn’t going up either. “He couldn’t just let himself be happy, so he goes and makes sure everyone’s life sucks!” That was just so…frustrating! Especially since…Oriel thought they’d agreed on some level to let it happen, even if they don’t deserve it.

“Don’t you bring Phoenix into this!” he snapped, pulling back and shoving a finger in Gryph’s face. “That ain’t fair, and he’d never do that, and if for some reason he did, it’d be because I fucked up enough finally that he couldn’t take it no more!” And Oriel had already decided that if he fucked up that bad and Phoenix said he needed to leave because of it, then he’d let him. “Not because I’m better off without him, or he’s better off without me, or some bullshit like that!”

By this point, it must’ve looked something strange to the passing pedestrians, to see two boys crouched on the sidewalk, with their arms awkwardly wrapped around one another as they argued so heatedly. With tears streaming down their faces no less. Oriel, however, wasn’t seeing anyone save for the person in front of him. However, like Gryph, his intensity was slowly starting to wind down…though a lot slower than Gryph. “I didn’t say that either! You’re fucking twisting my words.” Oriel really wanted to punch this guy, he was such an idiot! “You can feel whatever you fucking want,” he said, trying to bring his voice down, however the strain was still apparent. “Just…do something ‘bout it, ‘stead of just sitting around feeling like shit. Who the fuck said you got to accept it?” This guy was such an emo-prick, he reminded Oriel of…well, himself when he was off in mope-land. If only Oriel could take his own advice.

Oriel cleared his throat and pulled Gryph in close again. “Kodi still loves you…no fucking doubt ‘bout it. He thinks he’s doing you a favor, but…and maybe having some time apart is a good thing…” As much as it hurt, Oriel never would have gotten the drive to start actually ‘making progress’ if he was still caught up in taking care of Phoenix like he was. “But…but that don’t mean you can’t still be together. That don’t mean you got to end it for good or nothing. And…that don’t mean you can’t go find him…and tell him just how crap you feel for letting him go…and just…do something…to make it work…I don’t know….” Oriel was losing steam. He took a breath. Then he took another.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Emotionally strained. They were both very emotionally strained right now. Gryphon was also very frustrated and annoyed, and struggling to find words anymore, so other than what he had said before Oriel kept retaliating and retaliating, he really wasn't doing well at speaking, or doing anything in response. So he just listened and listened, letting every syllable cut into him, even though he knew that, for once, that probably wasn't what Oriel was intending. Or maybe it was. He couldn't fucking tell anymore...! He should have, really, expected a whole lot of resistance when it came to mentioning Phoenix, but when it came, at first, he jolted in shock... and then recovered and rolled his eyes, choosing to remain silent because he just felt like he was continually saying the wrong shit, because obviously, Oriel was the most intelligent person in this situation. Of course.

Gryph was just slowly giving up. Because as much as what Oriel was eventually suggesting seemed like a good idea... it was still something he couldn't go through. Kodi meant so much to him, and he still loved him, of course, but his emotions and trust had been running dry, and he was just so uncertain now. He didn't just feel crap because he'd let Kodi leave - he also was because it... it burned. Whatever the fucking reason, he just felt like he'd been betrayed again. And besides... "I have gone to his fucking dorm." Yeah, it'd been like a week. Call him desperate, but he was struggling to concentrate in school and he was losing sleep. "I tried calling him but he wouldn't pick up, and when I went to see him, he wasn't there, and his roommates had no idea where he was either." So Gryphon was, for good reason, very worried.

"Look... I still love him too... but..." Getting hurt was painful. "I'm a twisted person." Which was a weird thing to be saying to Oriel, of all people. "I've been attracted to dangerous people in the past, it's just what I'm like. And I have no idea why... but I can't help it. And I love him, but... this isn't the first time he betrayed me. Whatever his fucking reason." And for the first time in a while, he pushed himself out of Oriel's hold. Was there a hint of spite in his voice? Most likely. He stood up shakily, "I'm just done with being a fucking pushover, and I'm done with getting hurt and damaged." Instead of walking, which he had intended, his legs gave no strength, so he just rested against the wall behind him, "And you can call me selfish and an idiot and whatever fucking else and hell, it's probably true!" He glared down at Oriel, "But I have practically reached my limit." His voice was dark and serious and so was his face, "I'm stressed beyond what is healthy, and I don't have the strength to be doing this." He was barely functioning.

"It's great that you care about him - go care for him. Because I'm guessing you care more about him than me and I just need to be left alone." And then finally, his legs worked, and he began to walk rapidly, hopefully, before Oriel could retort or whatever.

[Deleted]

Oriel had a lot to say. He always had a lot to say, in any situation. He had a tendency to say the first thing that came to mind, without consideration. Half of it was because, yes, he did had very strong feelings about this matter, where Kodi was concerned. But the other half, the half that kept him going when he had nowhere else to go, was because he didn’t like losing. He didn’t like being wrong. He didn’t like being told that his ideas were wrong, that his feelings were wrong, that he’d misunderstood. A conversation like this, as serious as it was, had him verbally fighting for a win on a subconscious level. He’d realize it later, and would eventually try to make up for it, but right now his head was spinning too much and it was all he could do to keep it as just a verbal battle.

Battle…fuck, this wasn’t a fucking contest!

Wait, so he had tried….? Shit! Now that Oriel thought about it, he hadn’t actually seen Kodi around school all that much either…actually, when was the last time he saw him, just casually, briefly in the hallways? He couldn’t have…?

Dammit! What was Kodi thinking?? He couldn’t…he couldn’t be moved by Gryph begging to be taken back if he just fucking disappeared!! “Fucking idiot…” he said again, though it was unclear which one of the boys he was talking about.

Oriel didn’t know what to say. No, he was holding back, his arms shaking as Gryphon pushed him away. There were so many things to say. Gryph…the way Oriel saw it, Gryph had it wrong. He was being even more of a pushover and coward now than ever, just taking the BS lies that Kodi had flung out at him, and not trying harder to keep it together. He could have tried harder!

He stared down at the ground, his eyes unfocused as Gryph left their view. He couldn’t deny Gryphon’s assumption, that Oriel cared more about Kodi than Gryphon…but that didn’t mean he did care at all. And that just…pissed him off even more. Oriel climbed to his feet. “You’re a liar!” he shouted at Gryph as he tried to retreat. Tears continued to fall as he cried out. “You lied to me! You said you wouldn’t leave him when it got too hard! You promised!” And now things had turned out exactly how Oriel was afraid they would. Oriel wiped the tears from his eyes, though they were quickly replaced by new ones. He turned and started back towards the school.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

That was enough for today. No more social contact, no more reminding himself of his situation. Gryph just needed to go home and lock himself in his room for 24 hours and not talk. Then, he would be okay. Right now, however, he was so done. He was beyond that, actually, he was almost completely worn out.

Oriel's shouting really didn't help, and you could tell Gryph was at the end of his tether - because he looped around very rapidly, and he screamed at him, "HE LEFT ME!" And suddenly the surrounding area seemed a lot quieter. He didn't even become self conscious of it though, he was that far gone. He kept shouting at him, "And I am only human! People break promises and break hearts - that's just how it is!" There were tears in his eyes and a seething scowl on his face, "So get off my fucking case." He growled, before turning away again and escaping from the situation as fast as he could - before his confidence started draining too much and made him unable to move.

[Deleted]

Oriel should have left it alone. Maybe he would, he thought as he continued to walk in the opposite direction, the sound of Gryph’s shouting ringing in his ears. Oriel knew better than anyone the pressures of expectations that were just too much. He hated, however, that the idea of sticking around for someone like Kodi(and himself) reached the level of simply being “too much”. Was it really…really…too much to ask? Was he, at the same time, expecting too much from his own lover, to stay with Oriel despite all the shit he put him through? And despite his promises to make it better, somehow?

Perhaps so, but that didn’t change the fact that Gryph gave up on Kodi, after promising he wouldn’t. He ditched Phoenix when shit got too real, and he ditched Kodi for the same reason. Oriel wanted to make sure Gryph knew that. If there was any trust that Oriel had ever had in him, it was completely gone now. Oriel pulled out his cell phone and pressed the buttons necessary to call that fucking bird-brain. He waited for Gryph to answer, still walking at his own brisk speed down the street, the tears already dried on his cheeks.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

It was only partially Kodi, and neither the boy himself or Oriel seemed to understand that - sorry, but anyone's gonna feel overloaded: moving schools, and losing the huge chunk of constancy he used to have with seeing Kodi; the boy himself fighting hard to recover himself, even if it was only for Gryph's sake (on that point, Gryphon wasn't certain) - it was too easy to recall the incident with that girl, George; his father uncovering his homophobia and prejudice and practically disowning him (which shouldn't have affected him as much as it did, in his opinion, but it did); all these fucking migraines he was getting and yes, he was constantly worried about Phoenix, but it just felt impossible to look after the boy, as much as he tried. He visited Phen a couple times, but most days he felt like his friend would read right through him and see the stress and start worrying about Gryph, when that wasn't what was necessary. And then Kodi turns around, crying and saying that he 'can't do this anymore'. Gryphon needed him, as much as he struggled to be honest with him - because then things like this happened. So on top of all of the above, he was now filled with overwhelming guilt, self deprecation and loss. Excuse him for not being on top form, and not being able to cope anymore.

It wasn't because he was still a clueless, selfish fucking ten year old.

When his phone rang, Gryph froze and considered. He was too fucking.... not... he couldn't function right now. The only person he would pick up for right now would be Kodi. So he pulled his phone out... and found himself answering, fingers gripping tightly to the phone. His voice still hissed with anger, "You better be on the side of the street fucking dying or so help me, I'll do it myself."

The moment Oriel started talking about anything relating to the conversation that just ended, he was going to smash his phone on the sidewalk and keep walking.

[Deleted]

Oriel was going to give Gryph a fucking piece of his distorted mind! Yeah, he knew exactly what he was going to rant about until that turkey’s ear grew sour and fell off completely. Oriel’d teach him to get the last word in, to counter any of Oriel’s words, to make Oriel feel like a douchebag….

He tensed and gripped the phone tighter as it continued to ring, ready to pounce into his rant the second he heard Gryphon’s voice….but when it came, Oriel was silent. He closed his eyes, and took a breath as he slowly came to halt in the middle of the crowded sidewalk. “Gryph….” he said in a strained voice. He felt his heart sinking again. “Don’t…don’t hang up…please…just….hear me out….” Oriel hung his head, gripping at his hair with his free hand and trying to keep the tears from starting all over again. “I didn’t…” Oriel choked on his own voice and swallowed to try again. “I didn’t call you out to fight with you. I’s s’pposed to be fixing things with you and…I fucked up. S-sorry…” Oriel didn't know if this was going to do any good or not...but at least it was something different than his normal routine. That was something...right?

Didn't mean he wasn't still fucking pissed at the both of them.