I will fail you [Zo]

[Lucas Blacke]

..what movie is it? He moved closer to the set and couldn't for the life of him figure out what he was watching. It was like.. static, constant static. It was bright, but oddly silent as Luke turned back again and instantly forgot what he was doing. Wait, was this a dream? Maybe it was. But why? He was there, Zo was there. For some reason he was shirtless and she was fully clothed.. was this a game between them? He couldn't remember. Did he have caffeine? Why did it look like he was asleep and Zo wasn't?

Why was he looking at himself? That single thought shot through his mind as the light projected by the television pierced his eyes for an instant before being turned off. With his eyes still closed he felt them twitch a bit as he slowly opened them again, to see that he was lying in his own bed. Groggily he sat up and yawned to see exactly what was going on.. was it a dream he just saw? But then.. why was Zo there? He saw her enough not to have to dream about her, unless it wasn't a dream but the real thing. But then why the out of body experience? And if, like implied, they were just watching television why was he shirtless?

Questions. All valid questions, until the point that Luke began to think about what woke him up. It had been a change in lighting and it came from somewhere near the television in his room. He rubbed his eyes with yet another yawn and looked over at the tv where a familiar figure was standing. ''Zo?'' He wondered as he stifled a yawn by biting on his knuckles. So, it wasn't a dream and she really was there? Or was it one of those elaborate dreams? He kind of figured the latter one, he really didn't think Zo would do something like turn off the tv.

Wait, why was she near the tv anyway? Weren't they sleeping together? But.. she was clothed.. he was half-clothed.. so.. did they really sleep together?

''Zo?'' He repeated groggily as his eyes tried to focus on her figure, slowly his sight returning to human levels. ''The fuck's goin' on?''

[Zoelle Heroux]

It had begun innocently enough.

They'd just been hanging out, watching some movie. It was late and Zo had snuck back over after curfew. She hadn't been particularly dressed up, just pajama pants and a tank top. They were both just comfortable and casual. It was simple, or it should have been.

At some point though, it seemed they'd gotten a bit too casual. Zo wasn't entirely sure who had dozed off first, but considering she'd woken to the sun rising through the windows, TV still on, it was safe to say they both had fallen asleep somehow. It had taken her a moment to piece it all together, but once she had, a sort of panic began to form in her chest.

She'd never spent the night with someone else before. She always left right after the deed was done. With Luke... well, she'd stayed after they were done, but that was different. This... they hadn't even had sex. They'd just fallen asleep. To a normal person, that probably would seem sweet but to Zo... well, that just made what was happening between them all too real.

So she'd carefully untangled herself from both him and the blankets, slipping out of the bed. She was still fully clothed, except for shoes, which she quickly put on, going through great effort to remain as close to silent as possible. After all, she didn't want to get caught sneaking out of the room. She just couldn't be here right now though. She needed some space to figure out how she felt about this.

As she made her way to the door though, she paused, turning off the TV. After all, if she could manage to get out of the bed without his waking, surely turning off the TV would hardly make a difference, right?

Wrong.

He sat up and yawned then, causing her to freeze immediately, cringing and praying he'd go back to sleep. But the moment she heard her name, she knew that wasn't going to happen. She slowly turned around to face him, keeping her voice soft. "Hey, go back to sleep. It's still really early," she said. After all, it was barely even 6 in the morning yet. Surely he'd still be tired enough to sleep and forget about this, right? Well, she could hope. She really didn't want to explain this.

[Lucas Blacke]

She was telling him to go back to sleep? She was the one who had gotten up out of her own free will and turned off a tv willy nilly, so bit made less than no sense that she told him to do something she didn't even do herself. Besides, was their first encounter not about her not wanting to leave at first? So why was she suddenly trying to..? No, she was just trying to be nice by turning off the tv. Surely she'd come back to bed. Besides, he looked over at his alarm clock, it wasn't even 6 in the morning which would be way too early to do anything else. The sun was shining, okay, but that was normal and not something that would wake him up. No, she woke him up. The only real logical explanation here was that she was just being nice, he couldn't see anything else.

He rubbed his eyes once more before staring at the girl in front of his bed. He gazed her over and he realized she was wearing shoes to which he grabbed the blanket and looked at his own shoeless feet. So.. why was she wearing shoes? Bah, he hated early mornings. Made piecing shit together near impossible.

''Yup, early.'' He replied simply as he plopped down straight on his back, eyes staring up at the ceiling with a poster of In Flames there. ''So,'' He started but instead he yawned the entire room in order. ''So, Zo.'' He joked, which was hard to do in the morning. ''What are ya doin' out of bed so early?'' It was still too early to start making sense of the situation. Instead he just lowered his gaze a bit so he just saw the tip of her head.

She barely moved right now and if he was more awake he would have been able to say she was avoiding his gaze. He wondered why as another yawn left him and he scratched at his chest.

Oh. He was shirtless. He almost forgot.

''Come back to bed.'' He offered. ''We still have a few hours before we have to be awake.''

[Zoelle Heroux]

At first she thought her suggestion had worked. After all, he flopped back onto the bed, mumbling agreement about it being early. That sounded like he was agreeing that he should go back to sleep. But of course it couldn't be that simple, that easy. Wasn't that just her luck?

She forced a small smile at his little rhyme - not that he was looking to notice - though it quickly faded as he asked the question she had been dreading. "Oh, um, I just... had to go to the bathroom," she said, hoping he was too tired to hear the rather obvious improvised lie. Or to notice that she had grabbed her purse too.

Her gaze turned towards the door, trying to calculate precisely how to make her escape. She was doing everything in her power not to look at him. She wanted to just dash through the door, or sink into the shadows. Anything to get away from this moment. But doing so would tell him something was wrong. And then he'd ask. He would ask and ask and ask until she had no choice to give him an answer. Probably an honest answer at that. The downside to spending time with someone so similar was that he saw through her far too easily. He'd catch her in this if she didn't play her cards just right, and that would only blow things up faster.

He'd promised he'd wait for her to catch up. He'd promised. But could she really count on that? After all, she was the sort of person who always fell short of expectations. Why would things with Luke be any different.

"Just because you can get ready in 15 minutes," she said with a scoff. "Us girls take a bit longer to get ready to be seen you know," she added. "You go back to sleep though. It's fine. Like you said, it's early. You should sleep."

Zo prayed he would listen to her. She didn't want to have this fight before she even had a chance to figure out her own feelings about what happened.

[Lucas Blacke]

''Uh-huh... sure ya were..'' He sat up a bit with support from the wall as his arms were crossed behind his head, he stifled a yawn and looked at her with a smile. He was still sleepy, though getting more and more awake with every passing second. Smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth some of the thoughts he had previously began evolving into more coherent theories about what she was actually doing. She was wearing shoes, this was one thing he did not know where to place, but now that enough time had passed he began suspecting something. Tired or not he still knew her.

This revelation about her shoes jolted his brain into existence and woke him up with widened eyes as he very nearly jumped from his bed. She was doing what he had been afraid of since day one, and what she said she was going to do eventually. But as stupid as Luke was he put the blame on himself and looked for what he could change, or what he did to fuck it up in the first place. Yeah.. he wanted to find something, but he couldn't.

She didn't have to go to the bathroom, he figured, and she sure as hell didn't need any time to look good. A simple tie in her hair was enough to make her look attractive to him, and she had to know that. She just had to. ''..'' His eyelids closed slightly as he sat back against the wall of his bed again. ''Yer right. I should sleep.'' He opened his eyes and shifted his head slightly to swallow, looking at her with a forced smile. ''But I'm not. Not when ya ain't.''

He moved his hand around on his bed and tapped slightly, almost as if telling her she should come over. Which she should. She was being.. stupid, Luke would say. ''Ya know I'm here for ya, right? Ye'd tell me if I did somethin' to upset ya, right?''

Without waiting, he scuddled over to the edge of his bed, sitting where she sat the first time they met, the first time he told her what she needed to hear. ''I don't want ya to go.''

[Zoelle Heroux]

Sleep still clouded his voice, but even still she could hear the disbelief in his words. So he wasn't buying her story. Well damn. That means she was screwed. She knew where this conversation was going and she did not like it, not one bit. There was a long pause then, and the silence was beginning to make her uncomfortable. "Yeah, I was. I just figured while I was there I'd fix my makeup and stuff too," she lied. Well, her makeup from the day before was smudged from sleeping in it, so needing to fix it up wasn't a total lie, but saying that's why she was leaving, well, that was. But using the truth to sell a lie was one of her tricks that was most successful. Hopefully the truth was what he would pick up on.

Her heart lifted when he agreed that he should sleep, only to sink as he insisted that he wouldn't if she wasn't as well. Damn it. Why was he making this so difficult. She sighed internally. That wasn't fair and she knew it. He wasn't trying to be a pain, he was just being sweet and concerned, like a good guy should. The issue was that she didn't deserve that and she knew that when he questioned her... she'd resist, but she couldn't resist him for long. That was why she needed to escape. She didn't want to hurt him and at this point, it seemed like that was entirely unavoidable.

He patted the bed beside him, calling her over to him. She wanted to go, she did and yet... she hesitated. Because she still felt the need to escape. It was his words that sold her though. He knew something was up and even worse he thought it was his fault. She couldn't let him think that. He hadn't done anything wrong, except maybe pick the wrong girl. This was all her fault, her issues. And she hated that she was the one hurting him.

Luke shifted then, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, telling her he didn't want her to go. That just about broke her. It wasn't so long ago she had been the one sitting there saying she didn't want to go. And now...

That did it for her. She gently placed her bag at the end of the bed and walked around to stand in front of him. Her hands settled at his shoulders as she looked down at him, meeting his eyes. "Hey, don't worry so much, okay? I'm not upset with you." At least this time she was telling the truth. This had almost nothing to do with him, not really. She wanted to say she wouldn't go, that she didn't want to, but she couldn't bring herself to voice that lie. Not to him. Not like this.

"Everything's fine, okay?"

[Lucas Blacke]

What she said while putting her hands on his shoulders was something he very much wanted to believe, but knew beforehand that he couldn't no matter how hard he tried. If it wasn't to do with him then who would it be? For some reason it wouldn't surprise him if she had someone on the side, that this was becoming boring for her. He tried, he really did. No matter what he tried to think he would just end up thinking of hismself as the bad guy here, even when she assured him everything was fine he didn't quite believe it. You wouldn't get up and leave somewhere if everything was fine.

They were both fine skipping classes, he knew that much, and even if they did have to go they would still have plenty of time to do what they needed to do, so why was she so early in going away if everything was okay? ''Ya are though.'' He ultimately replied. The only thing he could think of was how he had known beforehand he'd fuck all this up, and it seemed that now he had. ''I just know it.'' He took her hand and rubbed his thumb along the back of it.

It had all gone so fast, all down the drain. Everything would end up going down the drain if Luke was involved, so he knew he was holding her hand for what he thought was the last time. From being in detention together to fucking and hanging out daily in a matter of weeks, it didn't matter anymore. She wasn't going to admit they were a thing because she wasn't able to herself, but because she didn't see a future with him.

He sighed silently and clenched his bedridden hand, pushing down on his pillow. ''But.. y'know.. it is okay,'' Looking up at her with a smile on his face he couldn't see anything else in her but himself fucking up, so he averted his gaze and dropped his smile. ''I knew this day would come.. I knew I wasn't enough. Keepin' ya to myself was mistake number one.''

''Sorry for tryin' to keep ya tied down. Ya deserve betther than some sulky kid.''

[Zoelle Heroux]

Luke was silent for a long time, long enough to make her worry. When he did speak though, Zo almost wished for the silence. His words were like knives, slicing through her. The one thing she had been trying to avoid... in all her attempts to prevent it, she had caused it. Wasn't life twisted to make such a thing even possible?

All attempts to feign that it was okay ended right then, her smile faltering, fading, disappearing altogether. "Luke, no," she whispered, shaking her head. "It's not like that, seriously." Her voice was soft, hoarse even. Normally she would hate how weak and fragile she sounded, but right now, she didn't care about herself. She just wanted him to know, to truly know, that none of this was his fault.

It wasn't that he had fucked up. It was that he was too good for her. Couldn't he see that?

But as he kept talking... she realized that he didn't know that at all. "No Luke, no..." she whispered as he said that he was enough, that she deserved better. She sank to her knees in front of him, her hand finding his chin so she could force his eyes to meet hers. "Don't say that. Don't you dare say that. It's not that I deserve better. Not even close. I don't deserve you at all, Luke."

Her voice caught in her throat. How could she begin to explain? Her hand fell from his face settling on his knee, her eyes falling from his, trying to hold everything in. If she let the emotions out, she could never say what she needed to, what he needed to hear. "You're more than enough, Luke. You're not the problem... I am. I wanted to protect you from all my issues, to make sure you didn't get hurt because of me... but I even fucked that up, didn't I? Of course I did. So don't apologize. I'm the one who failed you."

Even her hands slipped away from him then, folding in her lap for a moment, before crossing under her chest, her hands gripping her arms tightly, as though she could physically hold all the emotions back. She attempted a smirk, tried to look at him, to make a joke.

"Don't you know, failure is what I do."

Try as she might, it fell flat though. Her head bowed forward, her hair falling forward to hide her face from him, her eyes shutting tightly as though that might prevent the tears she felt forming there somehow.

"I'm sorry, Luke. I never meant to hurt you. That's the last thing I wanted. You deserve so much more than a hollow trainwreck of a girl, and that's all I am." She swallowed hard, trying to force the words out.

"I wanted to be better for you. I really did. I guess I'm just too damaged after all."

[Lucas Blacke]

''Hurt me?'' He reponded with a forced smirk as he looked at closed eyes. ''Ya couldn't hurt me even if ya tried.'' Which he was certain she didn't do. Not on purpose. ''Ya don't hurt me. I said I'd give ya time, an' I'm givin' ya time.'' He told her, smirk, forced or not, slowly fading. ''It's just..'' He looked at his hands and tried to think of something else than what was on his mind as it would only result in hurting Zo even more, he knew that much. And if he was hurting, the only reason for it would be that she was.

In a way he did fuck up, he did hurt because of her. But it was what he did, not what she did. ''Yer not the one who failed anythin', I am. I promised ya time an' wasn't goin' to question yer decisions, but here I am, fuckin' up, failin'.. you.. An' don't even try to defend it with that damaged.. bullshit, I don't even know what ya expect me to take from that. The only fucked up past I know is my own, an' that don't give ya the right to..''

He paused and slowly got up from the bed, only to sit on the floor next to Zo. ''But I'm here for ya. I want to stop fuckin' up, I want ya to stop thinkin' yer the one fuckin' up, I want clarity. I don't care what it is. I don't.'' Putting one arm around her he moved her head against his chest to lean on.

Ack so cold!

''I'm here, Zo. An' I ain't goin' anywhere until ya tell me what bothers ya. Wanna make me stop hurtin'? Make me see. Make me understand. Make me understand..'' He knew she was crying, hell, he was about to just by seeing how she responded to what he did. Even with her eyes closed he knew she hurt, and it hurt him in return. He slowly rocked back and forth with his arm around her as he rested his head on top of hers gently. ''Make me..'' He choked up slightly and swallowed.

''Make me..-'' His free arm wrapped around her also as tears began to form in his eyes, sentences becoming harder to vocalize and vision blurring once more. Everything that kept him going right now was the face against his flesh.

''..I love you, Zo.''

[Zoelle Heroux]

He started talking about how she wasn't hurting him and he was giving her time and debating who had failed who... Her head was spinning and she didn't know up from down anymore. "You're not making any sense," she managed to say. Then he was saying that what she was saying was bullshit and he was the one with the fucked up past and she didn't have the right to... "The right to what?" she asked, her tone taking on a hint of an edge as she finally looked up at him. She wasn't mad, not really, but she didn't like being told she couldn't do something. Even if she didn't know what that thing was precisely.

Then he moved down to the floor with her and asked for clarity. She wanted to give it to him, but how could she when she didn't have the slightest idea where to start? Her eyes scrunched closed again, hoping that if she could shut everything out, maybe she could begin to understand herself.

Luke pulled her against him then, his arm wrapping around her and holding her against his chest. She wanted to pull away, knowing that the gesture would only confuse her emotions more and yet... she found herself sinking into his embrace. She began to cry then, soft muffled sobs, but tears nonetheless. She could hear it in his voice too as he spoke, forcing out the words.

She never could have expected what came next, but when she heard those words, she froze. She felt paralyzed and more confused than ever. She couldn't move, couldn't cry, couldn't even breathe. Finally she began to shake her head, pulling back some.

"No, you don't... you can't mean that," she whispered. "You barely know me, how can you say that?" she asked. "You want me to make you understand, but how can I? I don't even understand. How can I tell you what I don't know?" Her tears returned, but she kept talking anyway. For once it wasn't even about pushing someone away to keep herself safe - that point was gone long ago. Luke had all the power to break her, and he didn't even know it. So for once in her life, she was just honest, daring to hope that maybe, just maybe, that could be enough.

"You keep making all these promises, and I want to believe, more than anything I want to, but you don't understand. My entire life is made of broken promises. Everyone who said they lo-" she couldn't even say it, "cared about me, everyone who was supposed to care... They lied. So how am I supposed to think that my future could be any better? How am I supposed to believe that I even have a future?"

[Lucas Blacke]

He wasn't sure how to reply as she pulled back a bit, his hold on her breaking slightly and his eyes meeting hers as she shook her head, stating he couldn't mean it on account of barely knowing her. She could have had a point with that one, but Luke knew he was in the safe even if she didn't show it. She was like him, but from a distance and all she really needed was someone she could trust and confide in, much like he needed. But where he was okay admitting that she wasn't quite there yet as she had tould him, and he replied by saying he would wait for her. And he would for as long as necessary, he'd hold on.

''Thos-'' He couldn't say anything without his voice breaking. God how did he hate that about himself, way too sensitive for a guy. Probably why she was so hesitant. He wiped away the tears from her eyes and looked at her intently with what he hoped was a smile, trying to force her against his chest once again as he scooted a bit closer, shaking his head at what she said.

''I don't barely know ya, Zo. I know enough to be sure that I do love ya.'' The word she had trouble using, but she needed to get used to someone using it that didn't use it as a lie. ''If ya don't know, let me come with ya on yer journey. There's two of us, remember that,'' He assured her. ''Remember I'm here to stay. Ya wanna take yer time an' not call anythin' yet? I'll be right here, waitin' for when ya finally do..''

He sighed as a single tear fell down his cheek.

''An' Zo, I'm no liar..''

[Zoelle Heroux]

He started to speak, but his voice broke - and her heart seemed to break right along with it. She hated seeing him this way. Not because she thought he was too sensitive, but because she wished she could be more so. She envied the way he could be so honest about how he was feeling... She had forgotten how to do that a long time ago. Zo wondered if that was something she could ever get back. More often than not, it seemed rather hopeless.

Her gaze was fixed on him as he wiped away her tears and she thought she saw a hint of a smile on his lips. She knew it was forced, but that he was even trying... he was trying to comfort her. That meant everything. As he pulled her against him once more, she didn't fight the gesture. If anything she folded into it eagerly.

There was that word again, and at this point she didn't know if it hurt or soothed her. She wasn't sure if she wanted to believe him. It was a terrifying thought really. Because love meant being vulnerable. It meant she could hurt him. It meant she could come to depend on him only to one day find that he wasn't there anymore. It meant that the stakes were higher than ever and that if she made one wrong move it could devastate them both.

This time when she spoke, she didn't pull away. She wasn't sure if she could admit the things she needed to if she was looking at him. "I believe you..." she whispered hoarsely. She did believe he wasn't lying to her. He meant what he was saying. But that didn't mean that it could never change. Everything changed eventually after all. "But what happens when you get tired of waiting? What happens when you want someone who can return everything you give? Because I'm not sure if I can do that or when I'll be able to. And you deserve someone who can do that. I don't want to hold you back. I don't want you to hate me months from now because you're still waiting." She closed her eyes for a moment, more tears falling down her face and onto his chest as she tried to catch her breath.

"That's what scares me more than anything, Luke. It's not the sex stuff that scares me... it's the little things. It's holding hands and sleeping in the same bed. Because those are the things that make it real. And if it's real, that means that I can get hurt... I'm not like you. I'm not strong enough to be open like that. Because if something went wrong... if I lost you... I don't think I could survive that kind of pain again," she admitted. "I act tough, but I'm not nearly as invincible as I seem."

[Lucas Blacke]

He took a minute of them just sitting there in silence and tired to enjoy it despite the tears and the weight of the situation. She was there and he was there, and no matter why, they were there for each other. She could have been struggling to say it or even admit to it, but Luke knew she did love him. Maybe not as he loved her yet, but she'd get there with patience, and he had plenty of that to give her.

Then she said what could be seen as his trigger, the thing that was the reason he fucked up in the past. What if someone came around who did give him what he wanted? His eyes widened slightly at the thought and his gaze went off into nothing as she just bobbled against his chest. She had no idea of what she'd said and how true it was.. Luke hated himself for how true it was, in the past he got dumped because of getting tired of waiting, making promises like the one he made with her he just couldn't keep, he knew he couldn't keep despite his best efforts.

It took a few moments to sink in but finally he heard other words coming from her in a dull sound that soon picked up in pitch, saying she wasn't nearly as tough as she acted. His hands tightened around her once more, though this time involuntary as her words and his own past actions kept haunting him. Oh how he wished he never did that, oh how it hurt him and the people around him.

He swallowed slowly with his gaze still pointed blankly at a wall. No sobs, no words, not anything was heard from his as a tear slid down his cheek and he just found her hand and held his own against it. He had so much to say, but her words kept coming back.

What if..? He wanted to believe she was the one for him, but what if he was wrong? What if he found someone willing to deliver on both a physical and emotional level? He'd hurt her if that happened beyond a doubt, no matter what he did.

''I-'' He said without any cause to. ''I.. I don't know...''

[Zoelle Heroux]

Zo didn't know what she had said. How could she? She knew virtually nothing of his past. She had never paid attention to gossip about her classmates and before that fateful day in math class, she had never known he existed. Well. That wasn't entirely true. She hadn't known who he was. That was the more accurate way of putting it.

So she had no concept of what her words had hit on and she took his silence as a comfort, especially as his hold on her tightened. She soaked in his presence, feeling her own tears start to slow and though he had said nothing to comfort her fears, she began to feel better.

Until he spoke.

Her entire body seemed to freeze - tightening and tensing in response - and for an instant she forgot to breathe. She didn't know if she should be grateful for his honesty or betrayed by the reality that his promise might turn out to be for nothing. One moment he was swearing his love and assuring her that he would wait for as long as she needed and yet... now he was saying he didn't know if he could.

She wanted to trust him. To trust herself to believe she could be what he needed. That he wouldn't find someone else who was better for her. But her life was not that kind. It never had been. Why should she expect anything else now that she had so much more to lose?

Zo wished she felt angry. Anger was familiar... comforting even. This... she just felt numb and empty.

"You don't know?" she managed to repeat, her voice broken and hollow. "What am I supposed to do with that?"

[Lucas Blacke]

Obviously she didn't know what her words had set into motion -how could she? He'd never told her about it and most like never would, but for her to jab him right where it hurt without knowing was quite the feat. Seemed like she did know how to push people away, though it started to seem more and more that she didn't want to push him away anymore. And right when she stopped pushing he had uttered those words that seemed to confuse both her and himself..

He didn't know.. obviously it confused her as she repeated the words as it confused even himself. He barely heard how it hurt her, or how it would have, obviously it held what was required to hurt in this situation.

He desperately looked through his mind for ways to make what he just said sound better to himself but as thought after thought passed he couldn't find anything, not even something to color in the edges with. ''..I don't know..'' He finally repeated with a distant nod, forcing his gaze to fall upon the one in his arms. How typical was it for him to fuck things up even further when trying to talk things through?

When she asked though what she was supposed to do with that he drew a blank, which was odd since he was usually the one that was quick on his feet. But right now, nothing. ''I dunno..'' How he hoped he could tell her something else, something to ease her mind, something to take her mind off of it.. but he couldn't. He knew it was inevitable, he'd hurt her like the ones before her, and it would all be his fault.

He put his chin on top of her head and kept her close to his chest. ''I wanna..''