I will fail you [Zo]

[Zoelle Heroux]

He just kept repeating it. Long silences between, doing all the more to hammer in the message.

Zo didn't know how she felt about it. He had been trying so hard to give her a sense of certainty, that she had nothing to worry about. She had wanted to believe that. More than anything. Yet she had always known that he couldn't truly promise her that. That had always fueled her doubts.

So in a way, he had only confirmed what she had already known. Yet... did she really want to believe it was pointless? That this thing between them was impossible?

In a way admitting that there were no guarantees made it all the more real. Right now she didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Real was what she wanted to avoid and yet... if she didn't want to lose him, it's what she needed to be. Her head was spinning trying to make sense of any of it.

Truth be told, perhaps she hadn't allowed herself to get in too deep just yet, but even losing him now would be enough to crush her.

So she had to try, didn't she? Yet how could she let herself get hurt even more later on when he was telling her right now she wouldn't be safe with him? How could she move past that fear when he was saying that that fear was very real? How could she just forget that and trust him anyway? Maybe a better person could, but she wasn't so sure if she could. She wanted to, but she wasn't sure that was enough.

He wasn't letting her go though, and she had to think that meant something. She leaned into him, accepting everything he offered, even if perhaps she didn't understand quite what that was. It was something. And for now, she let it be enough. He started to speak, his words falling short. Maybe... maybe if he spoke... maybe he could say something, anything, that might give her the answer she needed.

"You wanna what?"

[Lucas Blacke]

It hadn't taken all that long to change this whole ordeal about her getting out of his bedroom unreasonably early to it being about him and how he fucked it up, in his own mind anyway. He was sure that in her mind it was still about Zo finding reasons to blame this on herself. Different people, same thoughts. He knew he had muttered words here and there, but he was in the zone where thought spoke louder than words and coherent thoughts tried to form every few seconds, he couldn't figure out anything anymore at the moment. He just kept coming back to those words. What if?

He'd inevitable repeat his past, inevitable hurt her. She thought she'd hurt him, but she didn't know he would be the one to hurt her and in ways she had just described herself.. what if someone came along who declared them boyfriend and girlfriend? Was that really all it took to pry him away from her? Was he, when taking a moment, really that shallow that he needed a label to function?

Trying to look down at her with an obviously fake smile on his face he tried to pry himself out of the mindset he was in, or atleast lower the rate at which the thoughts were going through his mind. Maybe he'd be able to utter some words this way and form a coherent sentence, offer her up some kind of answer this way, though he wasn't even sure what kind of answer even could be given as he wasn't sure what he meant himself.

''I wanna promise, Zo.'' He sighed finally, it seemed like he had found words, but right or wrong he didn't know. ''Like yer in need of time.. I wanna promise, I really do.. I dunno..''

He slipped his arms away from around her and looked down at the floor. ''I ain't sure Zo.. Like.. I wanna.. like you, love you.. but I ain't sure I can.. not without you..''

[Zoelle Heroux]

He was silent awhile longer - how much time had passed by now? It felt like forever, but in reality had probably only been a few minutes. It was so strange how something as constant as the passing of time could seem so variable. Now she was just thinking nonsense.

She felt the weight of his chin resting atop her head vanish, and it was that that made her shift to look up at him. A fake smile was plastered on his lips, and a gesture that had once been almost comforting before now made her uneasy. She felt like he was able to deliver a blow and was trying to soften it somehow.

Maybe that was just the doubt getting to her. Making her expect the worst.

At first... at first she thought his words were going to help. He was being honest. Genuine. Maybe... maybe that was enough to build off of. She wanted to believe that. But then his arms fell away from her and she knew it wouldn't be that easy. She pulled away from him, finally looking at him straight on - though his gaze was fixed on the floor - and her jaw was agape.

"Wait. So first you said that you loved me and now you're saying that you want to, but you're not sure that you even can?" she asked, her outrage and shock thick in her voice. "So which one is the lie, Luke? They can't both be truth."

He had just said he wouldn't lie to her. Just told her he was sure of how he felt. It had been just moments ago. And he was already taking it back? How could this be happening. What was even happening. It made no sense at all. "Why are you doing this?" she asked, tears returning to her eyes.

[Lucas Blacke]

I'm not- you fucking shut up! You made this happen! I do love you, always will, I just..-

''The lie..'' His voice stopped inches before reaching new territory, something he wasn't sure he'd return from. Why did there have to be talking involved? Why couldn't she just hear his thoughts?! Why was it that whenever talking was involved he was capable of talking himself into a corner and even then continue to dig a hole deep enough to be buried in? His mind was racing and his mouth was trying to keep up often just blurting out the most incoherent thoughts possible. Every single one of thing pushing people away, even those who feared pushing him away instead.

He planted his palm on his head and grunted in disgust as he fell back, almost hoping to hit something that happened to be there hard enough to black out or whatever could keep him from digging his own grave even further. Last thing he wanted was to drive her away from him, she'd been all he wanted up until this point where it just occured to him he kind of forced her to make a choice with what he told her.

But he didn't and he just stupidly lay on the floor next to his bed, continually slamming his forehead with his palm out of disgust and confusion. Not even looking at Zo no matter how confused she was, until she asked him why he did this. That question hurt, the way she posed it hurt, the way she left out his name hurt, the way she had to even ask hurt. It hurt.

Luke stopped slamming his palm against his head and inhaled deeply. He didn't know what to say, answers were numeral, but which was the right one? ''I love ya.'' He finally decided. And while uttering that didn't solve it it did stop a lot of other thoughts from forming and even dropped some.

''I'll never stop lovin' ya.''

[Zoelle Heroux]

I'm no liar.

Those words still echoed in her mind. She had heard him say it. Just as she had heard him say how he felt. That he meant it. Just as she had heard him just now saw that wasn't true. They couldn't all be true. They couldn't. Which meant one was a lie. But which one. Was he saying he didn't just to push her away, the way he had tried to do after they first hooked up? Or had he lied when he said he loved her in some attempt to convince her to stay?

None of it made sense.

His reaction wasn't exactly encouraging either. He started to answer only to beat himself up about it. Literally judging from the way his hand repeatedly smacked against his forehead. It took only a moment to tune it out. Her mind going blank as she tried to understand what was happening. Tried to figure out what she wanted. Tried to anticipate what he would say.

Try as she might, there was no answer for her. This wasn't that simple.

Finally she asked the only question she could. Why? Whichever was the lie... it hurt. It hurt so much that it physically seemed to pain her, as though an elephant was standing on her chest, slowly crushing her. That question seemed to do the trick. He didn't answer why, but he did answer.

She nodded slowly, his words sinking in. For a moment she feared he meant that the lie was saying that he did. But when he continued to speak, that fear had been brushed aside. Still, she didn't yet know what that meant for them.

"So then why would you say that you didn't... that you couldn't?" More than anything, that had hurt the most. Suggesting that despite everything, there was a chance he wasn't even capable of feeling that way about her. That no matter how she tried, it could all be for nothing. "After everything I just told you, why would you say that?" It might not seem like much, but even admitting that she could be fragile, that she had a hard past, was something she never shared with others. Yet she had told him and he had hit that very weakness in nearly the worst way.

"Were you trying to hurt me?" There was no accusation in her voice, only a wavering that made her sound all the more pitiful and small.

[Lucas Blacke]

''I can't-''

I seriously can't. Cannot. No. Can't. Can't I? Why can't I? Make me? Please, oh please god, make me!

His head turned to the side and he closed his eyes tightly to try and keep the tears in, but they streamed down his face anyway. Looking at the way the door was closed, his own door made him want to turn his head back and smack into the solid object, fake a concussion, anything to get out of this. Why couldn't he? It was easy, right? But he'd leave her behind, did he-? He didn't know..

He calmed down though, staring at the door with little to no reason to do so. Most of the thoughts in his mind had stopped swirling around, but this all still lacked sense, coherency. Why couldn't he say what he was going to say? What he wanted, what he meant? Why was he pushing her away, why was his body making wrong choices for him? Why did it insist on hurting him again and again only to do the same thing over again? A few weeks of fun before screwing it all up?

He sat up against the wall and sniffed, looking at Zo, hoping to find some sort of comfort there. But her face radiated none where it normally would, they had finally done what Luke wanted and instantly he had fucked it up. Good going.

He needed to rephrase. Say what he meant. Thread his thoughts together, stop speaking without thinking, stop thinking about what could be, stop thinking about what would be, stop thinking about- ''Stop thinkin' Luke!'' He shouted out as head banged back against the wall loudly. He looked at her with a faint smile and shook his head as the thoughts seemed to simmer down, yet still caused a ruckus.

He banged the back of his head against the wall once more with force, only a smile on his face and a single tear flowing down his cheek. ''They're gone Zo..''

[Zoelle Heroux]

"Can't what?" she asked. He kept starting and stopping, leaving so much unsaid. Things she needed to hear and half the time... the parts he did manage to say only made her feel worse. She didn't understand what was going on through his head - how could she know that neither did he? After all, he was always the one who was so sure how he felt. In a way she had come to count on that, more than she realized it seemed.

He sat up then, leaning against the wall and he looked at her then. She wondered what he say. Her hair was limp and mussed. Her eyeliner and mascara was likely streaked down her face by now after all these tears. She must look a right mess.

Luke suddenly shouted at himself then, banging his head against the wall and Zo could only stare at him in shock. What the hell? He gave her a faint smile, shaking his head and in that moment the surprise melted away, replaced by a look of concern. He hit his head against the wall once more and this time she reacted. "Luke!" she cried, moving forward to grab his arms. "Stop it!"

"You're scaring me, Luke," she whispered. Her eyes were wide, worry in their gray depths. "Stop, stop hurting yourself," she said, brow furrowed and her voice strained. She leaned forward then, kissing him softly, a small reassurance. "Just talk to me, I'm right here, Luke."

She hesitated a moment, something else coming to the tip of her tongue, something she wasn't sure she dared to say. Yet... she had to. She cared too much to see him this way. She just... cared too much. Even if he couldn't say the words yet... the feeling was there, growing stronger whether or not she thought it was a good idea. So she said the words they both needed to hear.

"I'm right here, Luke, and I'm not going anywhere."

[Lucas Blacke]

Perhaps it was a cry for attention, maybe it wasn't. He would have loved to know, because as far as his own thoughts went it was a completely random motion to drown out the otherwise loud thoughts in his head, the ones keeping him from forming sentences he wanted to state instead of mere shreds of them. Her reaching out to him in concern was an added bonus, and perhaps the one thing that really did calm everything down a bit. Though his head was hurting he felt that everything was more clear now that Zo was holding his arms.

It was obvious she was scared, she even said so, but she wasn't nearly as scared as Luke was. He scared her, and for what? Not knowing what to say? He felt utterly stupid then and let his head hang forward slightly only to fight the urge to bang it against the wall one more time when she said those words. The words he himself had used over and over, they were now hers and very nearly broke him. He whinced and looked down instantly, silently sobbing.

He threw his head back again and softly planted it against the wall as the tears were still fresh on his face, he tried to smile at her and realized that she was too much like him, she wouldn't leave. She could say all she wanted, but she wouldn't leave. She'd even said so.

''But what if ya are?'' He offered up suddenly. ''I feel like I'm pushin' ya away with everythin' I say.. I'm okay with ya not sayin' anythin' 'bout us, but I can't keep quiet anymore..''

''What if..- what if I can't handle the wait depite sayin' so? What if I crumble an' do the wrong thing?''

''At least I wouldn't have fooled myself..'' He whispered under his breath.

[Zoelle Heroux]

At first she wasn't sure what to do. Something was clearly wrong, more so than she had thought. But even worse was that her attempt to comfort him, to reassure him, seemed to only make it worse. As she assured him she wasn't going to leave, he winced and looked down and started to sob. What did she do wrong?

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she mumbled over and over, gently pressing her forehead against the top of his head. She wished she knew better how to help him. How to fix the damage she had done. "This is all my fault.." she muttered under her breath. She hadn't intended to say the words aloud, but that didn't make them any less true. If only she hadn't freaked out, hadn't tried to sneak out... then none of this would have happened.

He lifted his head then and she took in the sight of him, tears still wet on his skin. He tried to smile for her and that earned a small smile in return. She reached out, wiping away the tears, waiting for him to find the words.

When he did though, he surprised her. Yet suddenly, she felt like she knew what to say. Maybe because they were words that sounded as though they could have come from her own mind. Words she had heard time and time again. "You're not pushing me away," she said softly. "You're not. If anything... you just make me like you more. I just scare easy. Because I've never had anything like this."

She paused a moment to make sure he was meeting her eyes. "I do care, Luke. You have to know that. I know... I know I'm not very good at saying it. At saying anything really. I know that. I wish I was better at it. I wish I could tell you all the things you need to hear, more than anything but..." She pursed her lips, pausing for a few seconds. "You have to know though that I do care. More than I ever have before."

"I'm not going to leave." She gave him a small smile. "I might come and go, but I'll never leave. Because no matter what I do... I can't walk away from you, Luke. Maybe I should. Maybe we'd be better off that way rather than dragging us both through hell. But none of that matters. Because I can't do that. And maybe that's not enough. I don't really know but... I have to think that counts for something, okay?"

Zo bit her lower lip as she thought about the last part of what he'd asked. "As for you... I don't know Luke. I couldn't blame you if you didn't want to wait. I couldn't even be mad honestly. It's not like I'm making this easy on you." She shrugged slightly. It wasn't pleasant, but it was the truth.

"Hey, listen to me," she said softly, leaning forward to give him a quick kiss. "I don't know what's going to happen. Neither of us can. I know that's terrifying. I know it is. And that fear and doubt makes me do stupid things like trying to run outta here just now. And it might make you do stupid things too. But for what it's worth... you haven't yet. That's been all me."

Her hands lifted to cup his face a moment. "I don't know what to expect. And I'm scared to death of how wrong it could go. But I'm even more scared of losing you completely. So I have to try to make this work. Maybe that won't be enough for you and if that's the case then... well, I'll deal with that when... if... it happens." Her tears had started to flow again and yet she felt far better than she had before.

"I know that just ten minutes ago, all I trying to slip outta here but now... now all I want is to be right here with you. I know that doesn't answer much. But, for right now at least, is that enough?"

[Lucas Blacke]

He just sat there, trying to take in her words without constantly thinking less of himself. But when she reached over to wipe away his tears instead of kissing him was when the magic happened. He didn't want her touch to go, having the feeling of someone by his side..

His own hand softly pressed hers against his cheek as a small smile broke through, finally letting go so she could get her own hand back though he wished it was still on his skin.. somehow she felt like she wiped away his fears instead of his tears, something he desperately needed at the time even if it did no such thing in reality.

Still, he could feel his worries washing away just with her being by his side, how her presence seemed to help him in more ways than he could think of. He smiled faintly though as she said this was all her own fault, a quick shake of his head and a continued smile. How could she think that? She wasn't doing anything wrong. Luke was just being impatient and finally hitting his limit.

When she said they'd deal with it if it happens he nervously chuckled which was probably not the right reaction, but she finally avoided the certainty of the situation and admitted to it being a game. A serious game, but still a game. A game Luke would fuck up eventually. But for now it all seemed to click into place, everything said.

A tear fled down her face and Luke caught it with his index finger as she said she wanted to be right there with him instead of running off like she wanted to before, which had actually been the original reason this whole thing came to be. He leaned in a bit and reached out for her, propping her up against him. ''Ya must think I'm a mess..'' He tried to say with a smile.

''You'll never lose me.. I'm here to stay, an' as long as ya are right here with me I'm a rich man.''

[Zoelle Heroux]

His hand covered hers and she made no move to withdraw, waiting instead until he released her. More than anything though, she was captured by the smile - however small it might be - that broke through that expression of pain and sorrow he wore. That more than anything gave her hope that somehow this might be salvaged. That she hadn't broken it beyond repair just yet.

That faint smile remained as she spoke, tried to find the right words to explain and reassure. He shook his head as she said it was her fault rather than his, but she ignored it. She knew she was right. She could have handled this so many other ways and had she, they wouldn't be here now. But she couldn't undo her choices.

She tilted her head slightly when he chuckled at her mention that they'd deal with it if it happened. She wasn't sure why, but honestly, she didn't much care. He wasn't objecting or rejecting her. That was more than she ever could have hoped for. She knew it wasn't really a solution, but it was the best she had. It could be true that it would only create more pain for them in the end, but right now, that seemed worth the trade to have more time with him. Time to believe that perhaps she could built herself something real that she could truly hold onto for the first time in her life.

A tear escaped from her eyes and he caught it with a finger which made her smile slightly. He reached out for her then and she quickly reached back in return. Her hands cupped his face, giving him the warmest smile she could muster. "Well then I suppose we can just be messes together," she said with a faint chuckle before leaning in to kiss him. The kiss was slow and soft and sweet even, lingering without ever pressing for more. This was about comfort rather than heat.

"And for all my crazy and my doubt... I always come back to you, Luke," she whispered softly.

Zo hesitated a moment, before smiling - this one wider and sincere. "What do you say we go back to bed?" she suggested softly. Right now she didn't care about clocks or classes or anything. She just wanted the chance to be with him, to hold each other and to enjoy what the morning should have been.

[Lucas Blacke]

He sat there as quiet as possible as she cupped his face, and with a chuckle leaned in for a kiss. But this one wasn't like the others, this one was slow and soft, not at all begging for more. It was like she was telling him not to worry, that she was there for him. And as far as kisses went this one didn't have all that much to respond to in terms of an own kiss despite him trying to still, as if he was trying to respond without speech, telling her that he would be there alongside her, never faltering, never leaving.

''Messes together it is.'' He tried to joke as she said she'd always come back to him. Of course this did mean leaving from time to time, but as long as she returned he'd be there, for her. ''I'd always be there for ya. Waiting. Even if it drives me crazy.'' Which she actually knew how to do pretty well already.

This time he initiated a kiss before she could continue as he wanted to make sure that, tiring as it might be they were still only human at the end. Being together only allowed them to share and feel better. Not this. It didn't allow them to feel worse. He pulled back and smiled as his eyes slowly opened as she suddenly suggested they go back to bed.

He was all for that, honestly. After this small bout of emotion he was pretty pooped and he was sure she was too, and what was even more odd was the fact he was thinking of Zo and a bed without it involving sex, and somehow he was sure she meant it as such now too.

''I vote aye.'' He answered with a nod and a small smile. ''Just.. don't run off, okay?''

[Zoelle Heroux]

It was strange, but she couldn't help but think he understood. No words were shared between them in that moment and yet she felt as though he was answering her still, meeting her reassurance with him own. In the end it seemed that neither of them really knew anything but somehow that was okay. They were choosing to be here with one another and that was everything.

"Together," she repeated softly. It was still a strange concept for her. Even when she spent time with someone, she had always kept herself distant. Luke had defied all those barriers and that distance was continually growing smaller. "Thank you," she murmured softly as he said he'd always be there, waiting for her. Perhaps his confession that he might not be able to earlier should have undermined those words yet somehow it only strengthened them. He was only human after all. She had decided that what mattered was that he wanted to wait for her. Whatever happened in the future, she couldn't worry about that. She had to focus on now, as she always did.

He kissed her again and she melted into it, savoring it and all it meant. When he pulled away, she made a suggestion that surprised even herself and yet... it felt right. She was exhausted and really she just wanted to feel better. Zo knew he was the only one who could do that for her. She smiled as he agreed, even if it faltered a little when he asked her not to run off.

"I won't, Luke," she promised, giving him another brief kiss. This time it was her choice. Even if she still wondered what it all meant, she was done denying herself. After all, it was too late to try to protect herself from getting hurt - she already cared too much - so she was going to just enjoy it and let it happen.

Zo stood to her feet, offering him a hand and a smile.

[Lucas Blacke]

''I know ya won't.'' He told her. He didn't really know for sure but it was still pretty obvious that she was changing for him.

He accepted her kiss and went with it, giving some of his own in return, and as she pulled back so did he only to lick his lips with a grin. So they were back to that part of them again. Still, her suggestion stuck in the back of his head and even as she got up to tower over him, letting him take her in in full even if she had worn down make-up he would honor it. Even when tired she looked sexy, but that was not what they would be focusing on, not right now anyway.

She beamed him a smile and stuck out her hand, motioning for him to reach out and grab it. Seemed that she was getting tired of sitting on the floor. Luke sniffed and took her hand, shoving himself to an upright position by keeping his back against the wall. ''I'm glad I met ya, Zo,'' He offered as he moved in slightly closer and put her head against his chest as he slowly turned his back to the bed. ''Glad ya chose me.'' There'd be the Jen issue to solve later on, but he was sure there'd be way more issues to solve later on.

For now, they were going to sleep together. ..and then probably sleep together.

He lowered himself onto the bed slowly while still holding her hand and motioned for her to follow as he shoved back onto the bed and laid down comfortably, his eyes nearly closed right then where it not for Zo occupying the space next to him, his arm going around her and with a smile releasing a breath.

''We must have done somethin' right..''

[Zoelle Heroux]

Despite the sound of certainty in his voice, she knew that it was anything but. The only certainty that existed between them was that there was something here and they both liked that feeling too much to let it go. But she was coming to realize that just hoping might be enough. So it was that she smiled in return as he spoke.

As they kissed again, it was more heated than before. Oddly enough, it was rather reassuring how easily they could get back to that, even after fighting and crying. It was a comfort to know it was a flame that never really extinguished between them - it was something to hold on to when the doubts made her question this. She wasn't foolish enough to believe this was the last of either of their doubts, but for now, it was a very necessary reprieve. That was something she could accept.

He took her hand and came to his feet, pulling her closer as he did. She didn't fight the gesture, her arms wrapping loosely around him as he pulled her head against his chest. His skin felt cool against hers. "Me too," she murmured back. His words echoed in her mind. Had she chosen him? In so many ways, it felt as though it had never been a choice - at least the way she felt hadn't been. But normally that was something she would have fought and ran from. So that she hadn't... well, that had been a choice at least. She still didn't understand why he had chosen her, but she was glad to have him in her life nonetheless.

This was so different for her though... She knew there would be issues still. Someday she'd have to face Jen. It had been one thing when she thought this was going to be some meaningless fling, but now... She couldn't hide it forever. She wasn't sure what she feared most, her friend's anger or her mocking. But for now she pushed those thoughts from her mind. There was no point in considering such things when she herself wasn't entirely sure what existed between them. She could worry about what others might think later. For now she simply lingered in his embrace and allowed that feeling to consume her and drown out her thoughts.

Luke sat back on the bed then, still holding her hand even as he gestured for her to join him. She gave him a small smile as she kicked off her shoes before following him.

It amazed her still how easily they seemed to fit together. His arm wrapped around her as she laid beside him, bringing another small smile to her face. For a long moment she closed her eyes, breathing in deeply and just taking it all in. This was uncharted territory for her, and while on some level it frightened her still, she wanted to enjoy it, committing each nuance to memory.

His words made her smile up at him, eyes open once more. "I suppose we did," she agreed, her voice soft in both volume and tone, tinged with the surprise of a realization. The thought made her smile all the more. It wasn't often she did something right, and even less often that she cared if she did but with Luke... she did. Whatever it was that she had done to end up here with him... she was grateful for it.

"I'm lucky I found you..."