AU: Armistice Day (Josh)

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean Neville had met Joshua Bernstein at Columbia, three decades ago when both men had been students. Despite coming from a privileged background (or because of it, since he had come to study medicine at Columbia), Sean had lived on campus with the other students. He and Joshua had become fast friends despite their cultural differences – Sean was born and raised in New York while Joshua had been born in Prussia and emigrated as a child, Sean was Catholic and Joshua was Jewish, Sean’s family was Old Money and politically active, while Joshua’s family had needed to build themselves from the ground up when they had arrived in the U.S.

After graduating, Sean had invited Joshua to live with him in the townhouse that his parents had bought him as a graduation present. Each family thought that they were simply committed bachelors, too dedicated to their work and to their causes to find wives. Since neither was an only child, their families tolerated their behavior.

However, they had fallen in love, and couldn’t marry because they were committed only to one another.

Life had treated them well, as the Nevilles were above reproach in New York, and Sean’s family connections provided them with everything. Even their jobs were unnecessary, although that did nothing to prevent each man from following his passion and assisting those in need.

Then war had broken out, and Sean had found his services requested. They needed an expert to help the men fighting for freedom, and off he had gone.

What he had seen there changed him. When he returned home, he was quiet and withdrawn, and frequently ill. Joshua understood, even if he couldn’t relate. The rest of his family was less sensitive to the issue.

Sean’s parents had invited Joshua and him, as well as his sister and her husband, to the opera and then to supper. Despite dressing up for the occasion, he couldn’t make himself leave the bedroom when their carriage arrived outside.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh perched on the side of the bed beside Sean, reaching to cover the other man's hand with his own. "I can tell them you're ill." He offered.

He would lie for Sean. He already had to lie so what was one more?

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean did not even consider it a lie, although his lover perhaps did so, as would his family. He was ill. The fact that it was a mental affliction rather than a physical one made no difference as far as veracity, even if he knew that his family would never accept such an excuse. Although they had been patient with him so far, understanding that war could take its toll on even the strongest and most competent man, he had familial obligations. He was the oldest child, the only son, and they expected him to fulfill that role. Particularly when he had disappointed them in other ways, such as never taking a wife or providing them with grandchildren.

At least his sister had managed to have a son, so that the Neville clan was secured. Even though young Ryan’s surname was Finnerty, he remained part of the lineage all the same.

He turned his hand upward, so that he could entwine his fingers with his lover’s. Joshua did so much for him already, had been so understand and loving since his return from the war, and he could never ask for a better person with whom to share his life. “They would never accept that,” he murmured.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh squeezed Sean's hand reassuringly. It was apparent to everyone that war had changed the other man. The war had changed so much; that Sean had returned at all Josh considered a blessing.

So many hadn't.

His eldest nephews hadn't. Matt was nearly as morose these days as Sean was: josh was sure that if it wasn't for his wife his brother wouldn't leave his bed either.

"I shall inform them that you are vomiting regularly." Josh suggested. "Surely they would allow that you can't attend an opera while vomiting."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean tried to maintain normality and to keep up appearances, if not for himself, then for everyone else. What he had seen on the battlefields on Antietam, and in the aftermath, were not sights meant for this earth. Abominations, testaments to the suffering and pain that mankind could inflict upon another without a second thought.

While the physician remained so very grateful that the North had won, and that the previously enslaved peoples were finally free, that sense of righteousness and accomplishment did little to soothe his nerves. They did little to banish the images that flashed before him when he shut his eyes, or the dreams that tormented him when he finally managed to nod off for a few minutes, or the sudden flashbacks brought on by an errant aroma that could cause his heart to pound or his hands to shake.

He couldn’t imagine making it through the opera without causing some sort of disruption. Not intentionally, of course, but that made little difference where decorum was concerned.

“I could probably make myself vomit regularly,” he murmured, which he had intended as a joke, but he could not find a smile within him. His appetite came and went, and, when it went, nausea tended to come upon him.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh frowned in concern at his lover. When he had met Sean all those years ago, two young men eagerly attending university, he had never imagined this. When he had accepted Sean's offer to move in together, he had never imagined this.

A destructive war for the soul of the nation, and then the man he loved shaken to the core, unable to resume the carefree life they had previously lead? Who among them could foresee such a thing?

He had escaped the war himself, and Sean had escaped any physical harm. But his spirit had been wounded too deeply; Josh despair of Sean making a full recovery.

Regardless he would do what he could to soothe the other man's ills. He had made no vows, no pledges before God and man to remain in any circumstance. There was no law or societal expectation binding him to Sean's side.

Only love.

He lifted their untwined hands to press a gentle kiss on Sean's knuckles.

"Then you needn't go. I will give them your regrets."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean felt so grateful for his lover’s devotion, more grateful than he could ever express. Not a poet, he lacked the capacity or creativity to convey such sentiments beyond the basic, I love you when behind closed doors, or the letters he had written with such unambiguous statements like, I yearn for you every day and I miss the sound of your voice or your hand in mine.

In the eyes of their respective faiths and families and of the law of both New York and the Union, they were nothing more than friends. Their actions made them deviants and criminals; their love alone made them deviants, not that that stopped them. If this was wrong, the doctor had long ago decided that he did not want to be right.

Still, he knew that, aside from the strength of their love, nothing kept Joshua beside him. They had no marriage to annul or – Heaven forbid – to end in a divorce. They had no children to consider. They held no property in common; the house, like all of the estates, belonged to Sean’s family and existed in his name. If Joshua left him, he would have to walk away from their extravagant lifestyle, but he was a capable attorney with the capacity to earn a great amount if he wished.

Besides, Sean knew that his lover did not stay because of the money or their previous lifestyle.

The familiar sensation of Joshua’s lips along his knuckles would have earned a smile in happier times. Instead, he could only look at the younger man and whisper, “Thank you.” Then, he added, “If my father presses you, I will come.”

Sean’s family treated Joshua well enough but he knew his lover was no match for his father’s gravitas.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh disentangled his fingers from Sean's with a smile. "I will do my best," He whispered as he rose from the bed. He paused by the mirror hanging over the dresser in order to squint at his reflection; he frowned, picked up a tortoise shell comb, then ran it through unruly dark hair. He straightened his necktie, took a deep breath, and then gingerly made his way down narrow, winding stairs.

He took a deep breath before heading out the door to the waiting carriage, painfully aware of how very alone he was. The others would know before he even arrived at the doors what his message would be; he only hoped that the illustrious Senior Neville wouldn't ask to see his son.

He cleared his throat as he opened the carriage doors. "I am afraid that Sean cannot make it tonight," He apologized to his lover's waiting family. He was sure that he looked as unhappy about this as he felt; Dr. Neville always had a way about him as if he could see into your soul.

Which he probably couldn't, as he never gave any indication that he understood the truth of his son's living arrangements.

This did nothing to reassure Josh that he wouldn't challenge the narrative of Sean's illness, however.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean remained inside the house, atop the bed, although he turned his gaze to the large, bedroom window. If he moved to the windowsill, he could watch the exchange between his lover and his family; however the doctor did not have the energy to do so. Instead, he stayed put on the bed and wished Joshua strength to handle this errand, and hoped that his parents would accept the lie as valid, if not the entire truth. If necessary, he would and could put on a performance and hold his own against his parents, but he preferred that the evening not reach that point.

He had so little energy.

At the carriage, Joshua’s announcement was met with a look of disapproval from Kathleen, although she said nothing. This was her parents’ right, not hers.

Governor Neville shared a look with his wife, silently deciding that he would take the lead. “And why is that?” He asked, his full attention now fixed on the attorney.

They had had plans to attend the opera for weeks now. His son had suspended his medical practice recently, and thus he had no other obligations. He should be here, and he should not have sent his housemate to deliver the news on his behalf.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"He isn't feeling well." Josh answered, hoping that would be enough. It probably wouldn't be; the Nevilles were stubborn and not easily distracted.

He wished they were easily distracted. He might be able to help Sean overcome his trauma if he were more easily distracted.

Regardless of his certainty that he would have to give further explanation, he offered an apologetic smile and a shrug and willed this to be enough.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

As Joshua expected and feared, his explanation did not prove to be enough; something so simple had never been enough, even before the elder Neville child had been called to the War. A family of their status - both socioeconomically as well as politically - had obligations that individual family members could not set aside based on a whim. Prior to the War, Sean had always understood and respected that, had always gone through the proper motions and found a way to balance his familial expectations, his professional duties, his religious obligations, and his personal life. Since returning home from the War, he hadn’t, and his parents, try as they might to be patient, simply couldn’t understand the depths of horror that he had experienced.

It changed a man.

“If he is not contagious, then I would like to speak with him. If he is contagious, then I must wonder why you would come out yourself to speak with us, rather than sending the housekeeper.” William Neville, like all members of the Neville family, chose his words carefully. Contained in his statement was the fact that he suspected that Joshua had not been entirely forthright with him, rather than an accusation that the attorney would do something to deliberately make them ill.

He might not understand Jews at all, but he accepted his son’s living situation, and he certainly didn’t think that they brought disease, cursed gentiles, or poisoned wells.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Sometimes Joshua wanted to kick himself. For instance, right now, for not thinking of sending one of the servants to speak in his place.

"I couldn't say if he's contagious," Josh replied with a frown. Sometimes melancholy seemed contagious. "But sending the housekeeper seemed too impersonal, when both Sean and I had plans to accompany you."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

It would have been better for Joshua to have sent the housekeeper. Despite the political power that the elder Doctor Neville possessed, despite the prominence attached to their family name and all of the money that he had at his disposal, William Neville would never interrogate a servant the same way he would Joshua Bernstein.

Servants were employees and there existed strict decorum for their positions. Joshua Bernstein was Sean’s housemate and close friend, which made him family in a way. That allowed him greater latitude as Patriarch of the family.

Moreover, the elder Neville was sure that Joshua was lying to him. The attorney had never been good at keeping secrets or at deliberately misleading others. Ironic traits in an attorney, but undoubtedly that was why the younger man had chosen to be a champion for the downtrodden, where he could wear his heart on his sleeve.

“So you have no reason to believe him contagious then,” William supplied. Contagious diseases looked different from ailments like fatigue or nausea, ones that only affected an individual. Which brought him back to his original point. “In that case, I would like to speak with him, before we leave for the theater.”

Again, he spoke firmly, making it plain that this was neither a question nor a request.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Very well."

He stepped away from the carriage, giving the older man room to step out. "I am sure he will be delighted to speak with you."

Josh was, in fact, sure of the exact opposite, but he could think of nothing that might stop the elder Neville short of flinging himself at the carriage door to keep it shut.

That would probably prove damaging to his reputation and career, and so he merely fidgeted anxiously, dread creeping up into his stomach.

He didn't want Sean to have to face this.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Joshua was correct insofar as Sean had no desire to speak to his father at the moment. He had no desire to speak with anyone, save his lover, which was why he had asked the attorney to cancel in the first place.

From the bed, he could not watch the exchange between his family and his lover, but he had a feeling, as he often experienced, which caused him to move to the windowsill.

Thankfully he had, because he saw his father climb from the carriage and walk beside Joshua towards the house.

That was what he had feared. He felt the nausea rise from his stomach, and he considered that he might not have to lie about this after all.

However, he returned to bed, turning onto his side in an attempt to quell it. While vomiting would provide the necessary excuse, he hated the taste of bile in his throat, and he had no desire to deal with either the act or the aftermath.

A few moments later, he heard a firm knock at the bedroom door.

“Sean?” That was his father’s voice, familiar to him as he had heard it all his life. “Joshua said you are under the weather, and I would like to speak with you.”

He truly did not have the energy for this. “I feel too weak to get out of bed,” he replied, his voice failing to project as far as he would like. Still, even with the heavy door, he thought his father could hear him.

Apparently, he had. The elder Neville turned to Joshua. “I will take a few minutes to speak to my son privately.”