He Touched the Butt (Danny)

[Deleted]

Danny pressed his eyebrows forwards and gave Zeke a look of confusion. Zeke didn’t really believe that the world was flat, did he? “Are you attempting to make a joke through the use of sarcasm?” Totally serious. With a serious face. No, Zeke could be silly sometimes, but he wasn’t that stupid.

Danny may have been smart, intelligent, and good-looking, but he had the tendency of taking words too literally sometimes. So forgive him if he had to check to make sure his roommate wasn’t completely ill-informed on matters which ought to be common knowledge, and had been for centuries.

He really needed to learn how to not take things so seriously.

Though Danny preferred to be serious. It was much better than taking things lightly, staying up until 3am playing video games, and risking both being late for work and so sleep deprived that work didn’t get done efficiently. If Zeke were more like Danny…. Well, then he wouldn’t have practically enveloped his best friend in a over-passionate embrace. Danny stood there, face being pushed into the younger man’s chest. “Thank you,” he said, his voice muffled slightly. He arched his head back to look Zeke in the face. “Kale would be rather nice too.” It was healthier than pastries. Or pizza.

When Zeke messed with his hair, Danny pulled back slightly, blinking and a little taken off guard. “What was---?” Oh, it was about his hair again. “I like this hairstyle,” he said, turning to go back to his room to finish dressing. What was wrong with his hair like this anyway? Danny never understood it. “Okay. I will be too,” he called back, grabbing his shoes and sitting on the bed to put them on. He’d go to the kitchen a minute later to insert two pop-tarts into the toaster. They’d be warm and ready by the time Zeke returned.

[Deleted]

Zeke blinked, and then snickered into his hand. Sometimes it was annoying when Danny didn’t get his sarcasm; other times it was just amusing, like now. “Yes, Danny, that is exactly what I’m attempting…. I guess I should know better by now.” The younger man sometimes had to explain jokes that other people told to his roommate, let alone Zeke’s own.

Of course he wasn’t that stupid. He may not have been a genius like his best friend, but he wasn’t living in the Stone Age. Silly Danny. It did sometimes bother him that Danny wasn’t as emotionally expressive and humorous (at least in the typical way) that he’d been as a kid, but Zeke knew there wasn’t a lot he could do about it. He still loved the guy.

Fortunately he didn’t do what he’d done last night every night. Just once a week or so, and usually when he had nothing going on the next day. Last night had been a fluke, so sue him. Anyway. At least Zeke showed affection to his best friend, which was something that sometimes was a little lacking on Danny’s part. Either that, or Zeke was over-affectionate. Oh well. He stared down at the older man with an exasperated expression. “You’d really like that?” he asked with a bark of a laugh. “Fine, how about I get both? The grocery store is only another block or so.” And maybe that way, Danny would cook dinner.

He tried not to roll his eyes as his roommate defended his hairstyle. “Ooookay, if you say so,” he replied with a shrug. “But you know, it wouldn’t hurt you to try something different sometimes!” Not that Zeke was a hair expert by any means, but he did think Danny would look better with something else. Not that he looked terrible now… “Alright,” he chirped, and quickly went to his room to get dressed. Soon enough, he was out in his boring physician’s aide clothes and snagging an apple and a couple leftover pieces of pizza from the fridge. Because healthy. “A’righ’, ‘m ready t’go,” he spoke around a big bite of pepperoni and olives.

[Deleted]

Despite how many times he’d been exposed to it, sarcasm was still something Danny didn’t quite grasp. It was somewhat disconcerting that he had to ask to make sure he was interpreting it correctly. Because…what if Zeke really did think the world was flat? That would be a travesty and complete failure of the Hammel system to properly educate his best friend, a fact that he would no doubt complain to the administrators about with a very strongly worded letter.

Luckily, he didn’t have to. Danny had the sense to check first, and was now confident that Zeke had merely been joking in that strange way. Maybe Danny should make a point of learning how to recognize sarcasm? Maybe…

Danny made probably the fifth confused face he’d made this morning. Even though he was his best friend, Zeke still managed to leave Danny somewhat perplexed with many of his statements. “Of course I’d like that,” he said, not really registering that the offer was a joke as well, and hence, that’s why Zeke laughed. He nodded, smiling satisfied. “That would be great. Thank you.” Danny was already thinking of ways he could use the kale for supper tonight. Luckily, he didn’t have to go in to his night job until eight, so he could make dinner when he got out of his job at the tea shop at five.

Appearances was just yet another thing that Danny didn’t quite understand. Why was it that how he liked to present himself wasn’t satisfactory to other people? He’d made adjustments over the years, but none of them were really Danny’s preference. His hair was one of the few things he was convinced didn’t matter and reverted once he had the chance. But then Zeke always commented on it in some way… “Maybe I should just let you do my hair, if you think it’s that bad.” Passive aggressive much? Maybe, but who could tell? Danny was in the kitchen waiting for the pop-tarts to pop when Zeke returned and grabbed his breakfast items from the refrigerator. Danny stared at him. “You’re eating that for breakfast?” he asked somewhat surprised and maybe with a hint(a large hint) of disappointment. “….but I made you a pop-tart.” Danny was going to take an apple for himself as well. He wouldn’t just make two for no reason. That was a little too unhealthy for him.

[Deleted]

Sometimes it was sad how little faith Danny had in Zeke. Okay, well, maybe he did sometimes make stupid decisions like staying up too late and eating a whole pizza by himself (he was a big guy, he needed a lot of food!), but really? Zeke definitely needed to teach Danny how to understand sarcasm one of these days. Among other things…. So who was really the ignorant one here?

Silly Danny… <3

Anyway. Zeke just smiled and laughed a little more and nodded as Danny replied, resisting the urge to ruffle his silly hair some more. “Alright, I’ll stop by there, then. Anything else I should pick up since it’s convenient?” Danny did more of the cooking than Zeke did – he was more of a professional take-out orderer (using apps on his phone, because talking to random people on his phone was difficult for him sometimes). He did feel bad sometimes that his roommate worked so much and still cooked… But then Zeke would offer to give his friend a massage and it seemed to balance out alright. He was very good at massages (ironically, given his anxiety around most people. The perks of working for a physical therapist).

Honestly, Danny would take Zeke whatever he looked like. He just didn’t want other people to make fun of his best friend when he wasn’t around, and he was sure the hair got mean comments, even if behind Danny’s back. Or maybe Zeke was just paranoid because he constantly felt like people were judging him. “I didn’t say it was bad,” he protested. “I just think change can be fun sometimes. I’d be happy to see what I can do with it. You know I like playing with your hair.” He did it a lot when Danny napped on his lap. Anyway… Zeke didn’t realize that Danny had been thinking of him and already prepared a (small) breakfast for him. He nodded dumbly at the question, and then made a guilty expression when he realized his mistake. “Oh…. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…” he mumbled, genuinely sorry. “…. I can eat a pop-tart too. I’m a growing boy, after all. Want part of my pizza slice?” As he took one of the pastries for himself and began heading out the door, he offered over one of the pieces of pizza for Danny to take a bite from. The older man really was always looking out for him – what would Zeke do without him?

[Deleted]

Danny paused, giving the question some thought. There were a number of items that he would like in order to cook dinner tonight. He had planned on going to the store and picking them up himself on his way home, but since Zeke was going anyway… “I’ll text you a list,” he said, looking up at his friend. It wasn’t a very long list, so Zeke ought to be able to carry them back himself. Zeke got out of work sooner than Danny did, and his workplace was closer to their apartment than Danny’s was, so he naturally had more time. Anything to save time, in Danny’s opinion.

Speaking of time, they were quickly running out of it. If they had more time, then Danny might have considered letting Zeke fix his hair right then and there. But they didn’t have that luxury. Danny smiled. “Tomorrow then, you can do my hair,” he said. Danny liked it when Zeke played with his hair. He found it very soothing. “Just don’t stay up so late tonight, otherwise we won’t have time for it tomorrow.” He was sure Zeke wouldn’t make the same mistake two nights in a row. Probably.

Of course, Danny could make mistakes too. Not that he was forgetful(he rarely was), but him not thinking things completely through happened on occasion, especially when he was deep within his comfort zone. That is, home alone with Zeke and Cheeto(speaking of Cheeto, the ferret was probably asleep in a shoe somewhere, hence why he wasn’t running around under their feet this morning). But if he’d been thinking, a simple mention that he was preparing breakfast to Zeke when he was doing it would have prevented this misunderstanding. Then he wouldn’t have wasted the effort(which sounds terrible, but he meant it in a simple sense, not negative). Luckily, Zeke was quick to resolve the problem. He just had to eat the pop-tart. “Okay,” he replied to the offer, taking the pizza and helping himself to a giant bite. It was leftover from last night, and it was still cold, but Danny still enjoyed the flavor. Especially since it was given by Zeke. He filled the rest of his mouth with a small bite of warm pop-tart as they headed out the door to the car. “Did we forget anything?” he asked through full chipmunk cheeks. He didn’t want to have to go back, because that would be an even bigger waste of time.

[Deleted]

Zeke hadn’t really been planning on going grocery shopping, but it looked like he’d somehow talked himself into that situation. Whoops. Oh well, Danny did most of it most of the time, it wouldn’t hurt Zeke to do it occasionally. “Alright,” he replied with a nod and a weak smile. “As long as it’s not, like, dozens of things.” At least self-checkout had been invented, that meant he could go shopping without awkwardly interacting with people.

“Alright! Tomorrow, deal.” Zeke would probably try to give Danny’s hair a little more volume, and a little more… fluffiness. Not this sticky-down stuff that his friend liked so much. He had faith in himself that he could make it look a lot better, even if he really wasn’t an expert at hair. “Heh, I won’t,” he promised with a blush and an embarrassed smile. “I’ll wait until the weekend to do that again.” Probably.

Zeke usually let Cheeto do his own thing (until Danny yelled at him over something that the ferret did, then he’d put him away in the naughty corner). They’d had to make sure to ferret-proof the apartment very thoroughly, although even then, the creature still seemed to get into mischief all the time. But anyway… Zeke rarely refused food, since he was hungry nearly all the time, so it wasn’t as big of a problem as it might have been otherwise. “Heh… You look like a chipmunk,” he teased his roommate, poking one of his bulging cheeks as they walked outside. “I think we’re good. I keep everything in my bag,” he declared, lifting his knapsack as he took a large bite of pop-tart. “Let’s go so I’m not late!” He hopped into the car and buckled up, juggling food and bag and seat belt and somehow managing not to spill anything. “Want to turn on the radio?” he asked, even though it was only about a 3 minute ride.

[Deleted]

Danny nodded, though he was still a little concerned despite Zeke’s agreement to go. “Are you going to be okay?” he asked, leaning in slightly. “I can go with you when I get off work, if that’s easier.” Easier for Zeke, he meant. If Danny went too, then he might not have time to make them a proper supper. Then they’d end up ordering a pizza again. Or getting takeout. Neither of which Danny minded too much, but he did think they should eat something healthier for a while, while they could.

“Okay,” he said. Zeke knew more about hair than Danny did anyway. Though Danny wished he’d be a little more responsible in other areas too. Like his video game habits. “I’ll scold you if you do it again.” Or he’d just let him flop. What better way to learn than from your own mistakes?

Danny blinked up at Zeke, giving his best friend a blank, confused stare at his chipmunk comparison. “I do not,” he said with a slight furrow of his eyebrows. He was a human, not a chipmunk. Danny started the car once he confirmed they were buckled in and ready to go, then drove off down the street. “If you want to,” he said, keeping his eyes on the road. It wasn’t a long drive to Zeke’s work though, so Danny would probably change it right away to something he liked. Or he’d just turn it off altogether. Or he could ask to put it on his favored station right away. “Can you put it on the news radio?” he asked, briefly glancing to Zeke, then back to the road. He wasn’t going to fiddle with the thing while driving. That was dangerous.

[Deleted]

Zeke hesitated only a moment before shaking his head at Danny’s offer. “No… I’ll be fine. I’ll just use the self-checkout,” he assured his roommate. “You have enough to do today. Thanks, though.” He smiled gratefully at the shorter man. Danny was always offering to help his friend out in ways that most people wouldn’t even consider. There were a lot of things that made Zeke nervous that didn’t even make other people blink, though, so he was fortunate that his best friend knew him so well and was willing to make sacrifices for his benefit. Zeke tried to do the same in return as much as he could.

He pouted and made a guilty expression at Danny’s chidings. “It’s not my fault it’s so addictive…” he mumbled, scuffing a foot against the floor. Time just flew by while he was playing! His roommate was just fortunate that Zeke hadn’t tried to get him into it as well. Too much.

Heh, of course his comparison would go over Danny’s overly-logical, oblivious head. “I mean your cheeks look like what chipmunks’ cheeks look like when they’re stuffed with nuts,” he said with a laugh. “You’re not actually sprouting fur and a tail.” Thank goodness. Zeke continued to munch on his many food items as they made their way down the road, trying to get through them quickly and without choking so he would be ready by the time they reached his workplace – he was probably looking like a chipmunk now too. “The news?” he repeated. “Sure.” The taller boy turned on the station he was speaking about, messing with the volume until it was the perfect loudness. He had sort of wanted it on a music station, but he wouldn’t complain since they were nearly at his work already. When they did pull up, Zeke finished the last few bites of his meal and wiped his hands off on his clothes before snagging his bag and hopping out of the car. “Have a great day at work, okay?” he said with a smile. “And text me your list later.”

[Deleted]

Danny nodded. “Okay, if you’re sure.” It helped a lot that Zeke was able to do it by himself, though Danny couldn’t say that he wouldn’t still be worried. He’ll probably call, time permitted, later just to check on him.

“No, but it is your fault for not taking it in moderation before becoming addicted,” he countered. Danny wasn’t trying to make Zeke feel bad, though. He was simply trying to impress the importance of responsible actions and time management. Danny had extreme issues with the latter without getting caught up in interesting activities, so he took measures to prevent those lapses in judgement and time-sensing from interfering in his daily life as much as possible. It wasn’t easy. It did require mindfulness, but…it was necessary.

Danny was just going to have to keep watch over his younger best friend and help him when he needed it. In return, Zeke would do the same for Danny, in his own way. Like explaining these absurd comparisons that didn’t make sense to him. “I didn’t think so,” he replied, situating himself into the driver’s seat. “I find it odd that people can so easily compare things which are so clearly different.” Even more frustrating was that despite other people doing it, Danny still couldn’t make the connection easily, not without someone explaining it outright. “Thank you,” he said when Zeke put the radio to his preferred station. Danny enjoyed listening to the news. It was informative. Music was nice too, and engaging in it’s own way, but he saw it as a recreational pastime. Right now, the both of them needed to be focused on work. Danny leaned across the seat to bid Zeke goodbye from inside the car. “Thank you!” he said with a smile. “You have a good day as well.” Danny nodded. “I will.” He watched Zeke stroll off from the car to his workplace. Once Zeke disappeared inside, Danny put the car back into drive and headed off to his own job.

Such was the morning of two idiots.