The Past Is a Grotesque Animal

[Joshua Bernstein]

September 1987

---

Tonight's Sabbath dinner felt a bit crowded, whether because they were all adults now, or because there were two extra people.

Sean had been coming to Sabbath dinners for as long as he and Josh had been friends; Michelle was a more recent addition, but welcome nonetheless.

She was quiet, though, and from the way she and Matt told it they sometimes spent hours or even days not speaking to one another and they were both fine with that.

Josh didn't understand, but chalked it up to eccentricity. After all, they had both met in art school -- Matt now worked conserving paintings, and Michelle was a food stylist. As such, she had strong opinions on how to display food, and Charlie bowed to her expertise with the same affection she would have shown her own daughter.

They had only just begun to clear their plates when Matt coughed meaningfully. All eyes turned to him.

"Ahhh...Michelle and I have an announcement to make," He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and the pair offered the Bernstein clan the strained grins of two people who hated being the center of attention.

Charlie lit up at Matt's statement.

"We're engaged." Her oldest son finished, and scattered exclamations of "Mazel tov," rang out from around the room.

"Oh, how wonderful! I wish I had baked chocolate babka, so we could properly celebrate..." Charlie trailed off, looking despondent at this wasted opportunity.

Bobby patted her on the shoulder. "We still have some chocolate macaroons..."

She brightened again. "Of course! Talia, dear, go get some dessert plates."

Josh felt a twinge of jealousy as he and Sean rose to congratulate his brother. He would never be able to share his love life like this. School was his priority now, and then work would be more important than romance, and his friendship with Sean would always be first, but he still thought perhaps he would find someone to spend time with between the important things.

But when he did, he wouldn't be able to stand in front of his family like this.

Still, he smiled and clapped his brother on the shoulder, and hugged his future sister-in-law. He was jealous, but he was also happy for them.

And that was a mixture of emotions he would come to be very familiar with over the course of the rest of his life.

[Joshua Bernstein]

May 1990

---

He had liked Simon well enough, back when they were friends. He enjoyed spending time with the other law student, but not any more than he enjoyed spending time with Daphne or Greg or any of the other numerous friends he had zero attraction to.

Sometimes he felt guilty about that.

The only other experience he had with boyfriends involved someone he couldn't keep his hands off, and that was a far cry from the relationship he had now.

But on the other hand, wasn't that for the best? He'd already learned that too much attraction was a distraction he couldn't afford. Didn't he want someone he liked but could resist when necessary? And Matt and Michelle obviously worked well together and they weren't constantly hanging off one another.

It wasn't that he didn't enjoy himself when they were physical, but he didn't face constant temptation. He didn't catch himself daydreaming when he was supposed to be productive. He didn't feel that flutter of regret when they were apart, or of nervous excitement when they were reunited.

But he did want Simon to be happy, and he knew that being a Good Boyfriend meant he should pay attention to Simon's likes and dislikes and he should be solicitous. When Simon was happy Josh was happy, but he didn't quite feel the rush of excitement he had when he made Sean happy.

Maybe this was a good sign.

Maybe this was how relationships were supposed to work.

Maybe this meant this one would work out.

[Joshua Bernstein]

1989

---

"Do you want to come to my place to watch a movie?"

Josh hadn't exactly known what to expect when he'd accepted to Lars Tischner's invitation, and so when Lars put in the VHS tape he was somewhat surprised to find that it was Torch Song Trilogy.

"I think we can both relate to this one," Lars told him.

Josh wished he couldn't; each depiction of homophobia was difficult to watch.

However, Lars proved distracting. He insisted on sitting uncomfortably close, and Josh was painfully aware of their bodies pressing up against one another. He was aware of Lars' hand brushing against his thigh during the more intimate moments of the movie.

He was aware of how devastatingly attractive the other man was.

As soon as the credits began to roll Josh shot up from the sofa.

"Thanks-for-inviting-me-over-it-was-fun-I-have-to-study-bye!" He excused himself as he made for the door.

"Don't you want to---" Lars began, but Josh was already out the door.

He never did find out how the other man intended to end that question.

[Joshua Bernstein]

May 1995

---

They had locked eyes from across the courtroom, and Josh felt his heart skip a beat.

He had tried to suppress this feeling for the duration of the trial, but it slammed into him full force when the other man sauntered up to him as soon as they recessed for lunch.

"Care to join me for lunch?"

Josh hesitated, and wiped suddenly sweaty palms against the fabric of his trousers. "Ahh...that would be nice."

"I'm Saul, by the way. You did a wonderful job in there." The shorter man held a hand out, and Josh shook it firmly.

"Saul! It's a pleasure to meet you. I suppose you already know my name..."

It had only been spoken -- and shouted -- a million times during the course of the trial so far.

Saul raised an eyebrow. "So you want me to address you as Mister Bernstein?"

"Oh! No, no, Josh is fine."

"There's a little hole in the wall deli nearby that I just love. They're quick, we won't have to worry about getting back in time."

Josh beamed. "I love hole in the wall delis!" He exclaimed, and Saul laughed.

"I think we'll get along just fine, then."

[Joshua Bernstein]

written on the back of the photo, in Charlie Bernstein's handwriting:

Josh and Bekah - September 18th 1977

aren't they so cute? They've been dating for two years now and they seem so in love.

[Joshua Bernstein]

February 14 1996

---

Josh had spent months dancing around his interest in Saul. Each case that took him to the courthouse found him hoping that he would run into the other man there.

Sometimes he wandered to the corridor just outside Saul's courthouse even though he didn't have any business in the vicinity. Sometimes Saul asked him to have lunch at his deli.

But they hadn't exchanged numbers until last month, and neither ever called the other, and even then Josh didn't know what to do about these feelings. Both of his previous relationships had been initiated by the other party. Should he just flat out ask? At least he knew Saul was gay, too; when they had first met he hadn't been sure, and he had spent the first three months of their friendship absolutely certain that the other man was straight.

Until Saul had told an anecdote that outed himself, and Josh had breathed a sigh of relief.

But that hadn't lead to anything more. He had been somewhat reluctant to pursue, even after discovering that their sexualities were compatible, because he wasn't entirely sure that he could date anyone. He still had feelings for Sean, after all, and was that really fair to Saul?

But...but he was attracted to Saul in a way that he hadn't felt in years, and perhaps that meant something. Perhaps that meant he could get over Sean -- although that thought made him inwardly cringe. He didn't want to replace Sean. He still wanted to be best friends, the kind who could call one another up at three in the morning.

Having romantic obligations to someone else would make that difficult -- and was why he often felt overwhelming jealousy when his friend mentioned dates. If Sean had a partner, they automatically took precedence over three AM calls from a friend. And although Josh rarely made calls in the wee hours of the morning, he wanted to be able to.

He didn't want to be shut out.

And he didn't want to shut Sean out, either.

But maybe he could date Saul and still prioritize Sean. After all, those little sparks of excitement at seeing Saul were difficult to suppress.

And that just had to mean something.

Valentine's Day was fortunately a Wednesday, so everyone would be at court. He had made sure to keep his calendar clear of court dates, and had scheduled meetings early in the morning so as to give himself a large gap of time for lunch. Saul had agreed to meet him, although Josh hadn't shared his intentions.

It was with a stomach full of nerves and a bouquet full of roses he made his way to the deli Saul loved and hoped for the best.

[Joshua Bernstein]

2007

---

Cotton Tail had been with him for ten years, and he had come to rely on her presence. Whenever he came home the very first thing he did was go over to her hutch to greet her. When he was upset she sat on his lap and he groomed her. When he needed someone to talk to she was always there, and he could talk to her about anything.

He couldn't even tell Sean everything.

But one day he came home from work and she was unresponsive. He scooped her up out of her hutch; she was still. No heart-beat, no breathing.

He took her to the vet, but they only confirmed what he already knew.

"Ten years is a good lifespan for a Holland Lop," The girl at the desk told him.

But ten years didn't seem long enough.

[Joshua Bernstein]

scribbled in the margins of the photo album beside this picture in Josh's handwriting:

February 16th 1997

Matt took this picture of me and Cotton Tail when he and Michelle stopped by for Sunday lunch

[Joshua Bernstein]

written on the back of the photo in Bobby Bernstein's handwriting:

July 1978

Matt, Josh, and Talia Bernstein

[Joshua Bernstein]

A page from a Lisa Frank notepad is taped beside the picture.

August 1983

Josh, thanks for taking me out for my last big hurrah before I start college! I would never have thought sailing would be so much fun.

Love,
Talia

[Joshua Bernstein]

On the back of a black and white photo is written in Charlie Bernstein's handwriting:

September 1965

Josh's first day of kindergarten

Written in the margins of the photo album:

Josh already made a friend. Aren't he and Bekah adorable?

[Joshua Bernstein]

July 1965

---

Baby Talia was crying again.

She cried a lot, Josh had noticed. She cried when she was hungry, or when she was tired, or when she just wanted to be held. Sometimes she cried all night, and his mother was too tired to play with him.

Matt had taken to spending as much time as possible with Ms. Fermi down the hall, because she had paints and sometimes let him use them. He had brought home a watercolor landscape once; she had helped him mix up the colors, but he had done everything else all by himself.

His painting was on the fridge.

Josh was impressed by his older brother's skill, but also a little sad, because when Matt was with Mrs. Fermi and his mother was busy trying to calm Talia between yawns that meant that he had nobody to play with.

"Moooooooom, I'm going to Dawn's!" He announced, standing on tiptoes to grab a banana off the counter.

"That's nice." His mother stage-whispered back.

Josh stripped the banana's peel away as he headed for the door. Unlike Mrs. Fermi, Dawn did not live in the same building as the Bernsteins, and so he wound his way down the stairs, one tiny hand gripping the rails and the other clutching his banana. He waved to the doorman, and skipped out into the street.

He carefully counted as he passed by each building -- one, two, three, four! There was Dawn's building. Her apartment complex also had a doorman, who smiled in recognition at the little boy.

"Joshua Bernstein! Who are you here for?"

"I came to see Dawn." Josh peered up and up and up and the doorman tipped his hat and opened the door, then followed him into the building.

"I'll escort you on up."

Josh beamed and placed his hand in the doorman's, and they stepped into the elevator.

[Joshua Bernstein]

1978

---

Josh had only been at college a month, but to the surprise of nobody he had already made friends. Robert hadn't expected that his middle son's social circle would be primarily made up of seniors, but on the other hand it had been immediately apparent that Josh wasn't going to be best buddies with his roommate, either. The seniors, on the other hand, were conscientious and politically active and sounded as if they were taking Josh under their wings rather than the hazing that sometimes went on among relationships between older students and freshman.

But while Josh talked some about Daphne (to his mother's delight) and Greg and the other members of The Radicals, he mostly talked about Sean.

According to Josh, Sean was near perfect: mature, kind, wise, intelligent, studious, liberal, a witty conversationalist...

"I can't wait to meet your friends," Robert commented one Saturday when Josh had come home for Sabbath dinner.

"Oh, you'll love them. And you'll really get along with Sean."

Robert noted how his son's eyes shone when he said this, and he hoped that it was true.

[Joshua Bernstein]

1977

---

Josh shoved both hands into his jean pockets as he trailed behind his father. Everyone said they looked so much alike, even though the younger Bernstein had somewhat longer hair and much shorter shorts. Each comment elicited a sad smile from Bobby, who patted his son on the shoulder.

"He's so much like my grandfather," He would say.

Sometimes Josh asked about his grandfather, but Bobby never said much even when pressed. "He would have liked you. He was friends with everyone."

Josh didn't think this was exceptional, though. As they walked down the streets it seemed that everyone they passed had a greeting for his father. They would stop to say hello to the woman who ran the laundromat, and his father would ask about her aging mother. And then they would continue only a few short steps before they would wave to the delivery boy on his bicycle. They stopped to talk to the florist about his daughter's wedding, and they stopped to talk to the grocer about his wife, and the seamstress about her friend.

Josh couldn't imagine that anyone was friendlier than his father was.

"Are you just like your grandfather, too?" He asked, but Bobby shook his head.

"I am very different from him," He said gently as he hefted their bag of groceries -- deli meats and cheeses, and a carton of milk. His mother had asked for orange juice, but Bobby said they didn't need any in a tone that Josh rarely heard him use. He

"I wish that I could see," Josh sighed wistfully, opening the door to their apartment building for his father.

There was no reply, but the teenager expected none. He knew that his father had no photographs of his family, and so whatever wish he had would go unanswered.

They stomped up the stairs, winding their way round and round until they reached their floor. Before they opened the door Bobby stopped and looked Josh in the eye.

"He would be proud of you."

Josh didn't notice the tears in his father's eyes, only his smile.

[Joshua Bernstein]

1995

---

"I think that went well," Matt commented, smiling across the table at his younger sister. Beside him Michelle cradled Noah in her arms, a shawl draped across he shoulders for when he inevitably wanted to nurse.

She returned the smile and leaned her head against David's shoulder, "I hope it goes this well tomorrow."

"Of course it will!" David ruffled her hair affectionately, "We all know what we're -- Oh! Hold on a moment." He disentangled himself from Talia, rising from his chair and crossing the room to find his mother, who had been beckoning him.

Talia pouted at his back, but then returned her attention to her brothers. "Do you really think it will go well tomorrow? I'm so nervous!"

Josh reached across the table for a smoked salmon canape. "Don't be nervous! It's just like acting."

Michelle glanced up from her reverie, giving her brother-in-law a reproving look. "It's more important than acting!" She whispered, and Talia nodded fiercely.

Josh glanced imploringly at the empty seat next to him, but his plus one was conversing with the Bernstein parents.

"Sean would back me up," Josh protested, since his guest was too busy to defend himself.

"No, he wouldn't," Talia lifted her chin and sniffed in disdain. "He would back me up, because I'm the bride so he has to. It's a rule."

Josh pushed himself to his feet. "Then I'll just go ask him."

"Oh, no, you don't!" Matt laughed, grabbing Josh by the elbow and tugging him back into his seat. "Let it go! We'll all see how it goes tomorrow, anyway."

But Josh was already thinking hard.

Sean! I need you to help me reassure Talia that tomorrow won't be a disaster.

Across the room the telepath excused himself from Charlie and Bobby and strode over to Josh and his siblings.

"Hello," He greeted them, pulling out his chair, "How are the canapes?"

Josh all but shoved the plate in his friend's direction at the same time as blurting out, "Talia's nervous about tomorrow!"

Sean hummed at this. "I see. It's a big day."

Talia stuck her tongue out triumphantly at Josh, and he rolled his eyes.

"You win," He stage whispered to her, and then changed the subject, "The canapes are delicious, by the way, did you try one yet, Sean?"