The Past Is a Grotesque Animal

[Joshua Bernstein]

April 10th 2010

---

In two days Josh would be fifty. A momentous occasion, in his mind, which was why his family had come up from New York to celebrate with him.

"You didn't have to come visit!" He had laughed when Talia first offered, but she had ignored his weak insistence and arranged everyone to visit anyway.

She had even asked some of his former coworkers from the City! Blake and Sylvia had come, and Nick, and Jackson and his wife and daughter. They had all rented a group of cabins up in the mountains of Vermont for the weekend, children included.

Michelle baked a cake with the help of Rivka and Sean. The other nieces and nephews had all insisted they were too old to help bake a cake for their uncle, except for Tomer, who had merely hidden himself in his room. He hadn't partaken of the cake, either, when finally dragged from his room for the festivities.

Jackson's wife and daughter had gone to the lake for kayaking, apparently preferring not to hang around for the party of someone they barely knew. Abigail went with them, having taken a liking to Jackson's daughter because they were close in age and because she was the only one in the group who didn't roll her eyes or snort in derision when Twilight was mentioned.

After the children had gone to bed, the adults stayed up and drank champagne and teased Josh about how old he was now. He made a show of looking in the hallway mirror for any signs of grey hair.

"I don't see any yet! Sean, can you see any?" He asked, leaning his head towards his best friend.

Eventually each couple and Nick drifted back to their own cabins, and Sean and Josh were left alone.

Sean wrapped one arm around Josh's shoulder and smiled down at him. "Happy Birthday, Slim."

[Joshua Bernstein]

1994/1995

---

"Excuse me?" Talia asked, narrowing heavily lined eyes. "Sean what?"

"He's engaged," Josh repeated, forcing pep into his tone, "Don't worry, the wedding won't coincide with yours."

"I'm not worried I just...really? Engaged?" She looked as dumbstruck as Josh had felt when the telepath had called to give him the news.

"Sure! He's always wanted to be married with kids."

"Yeah, but...is it...you know...an open marriage then?"

Josh furrowed his brow in confusion at that question, "An open marriage? Are we talking about the same Sean?"

Talia waved one hand dismissively. "Never mind. Mom and I made some wine cake over the weekend, let's have some. And, maybe some wine to go with it?" She reached out to touch her brother lightly on the arm, guiding him into the kitchen for cake and wine.

---

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Mama B cooed. "Such a nice young man, it was about time he settled down. We should have him and his fiance down to celebrate sometime. You'll ask him, won't you?"

Josh nodded wordlessly, and his father squeezed his shoulder.

"Sean is like another son," Bobby agreed, keeping his hand steady. "And we would love to meet his fiance, of course, but don't let your mother get too carried away. We can wait until it's convenient."

"Oh, Bobby!" Mama B chided, waving a hand at her husband. "It's always convenient. Oh, I can't wait to meet her. What is she like? Does she have any nice Jewish friends?"

---

"Pardon?" Matt blinked in confusion, and Josh sighed.

"Sean is getting married."

"When?"

"There's no date yet. They only got engaged this week."

Matt looked thoughtful for a moment. "I didn't think he would ever get married. How do you feel about it?"

Josh wished that his brother hadn't asked him such a question, because he had to force a smile as he answered, "Happy, of course!"

Matt squinted at his younger brother.

"My best friend is getting what he always wanted!" Josh added hurriedly, wondering if he was really doing such a poor job of hiding his distress. "Why would I feel anything else?"

"Why indeed?" Matt asked, and turned his attention back to the painting he was working on. "Why indeed?"

[Joshua Bernstein]

1983/1984

---

"Do you eat sausage?" Davy plopped down onto the stone bench beside Josh, cradling a picnic basket in his arms.

"Sure," Josh answered, scooting over so that there would be more room.

Davy inched closer and held out the picnic basket, gently peeling back the polka-dotted basket liner to reveal sausage balls.

"Katy made them. You should try one!"

Josh could attest to the fact that Katy was a wonderful cook, and so he plucked one out of the basket and took a bite. "Mmmph!" He mumbled approvingly, mouth full of sausage and cheese. He gave Davy a thumbs up.

The other man beamed. "I'll tell her you said so."

[Joshua Bernstein]

March 1980

---

"You two! Hey!"

Josh's steps slowed to a halt as the street artist waved his pencil in their direction. "Are you talking to us?" He asked, looking around the sidewalk at the endless stream of other people that could have been you two.

"Yes, you! Come here, come here!"

Josh exchanged a glance with Sean and they stepped closer.

The artist had an easel on one side, and a board as tall as Sean with sample works clipped all up and down both sides on the other. He leaned forward, dark eyes glinting intently as he surveyed the couple in front of him. "I want to draw the two of you."

"Oh!" Josh exclaimed apologetically, "I don't have any cash on me right now" -- because he had given it away to the first panhandler they had come across -- "so I can't really---"

"No, no! Free!" The artist interrupted Josh's apologies. "I'll draw it for free. If you like, you come back here and tip me tomorrow. I'll be here."

"That's very generous of you," Sean commented. Josh could feel his boyfriend's mental touch caressing his mind lightly, affectionately.

"Come, come, sit!" The artist motioned for them to come around the sample board. There were two low, backless stools there. "You can hold hands if you like. Hold on a moment."

He adjusted the display so that it largely shielded his customers from the view of idle passersby.

"I'm Luis! You're one of my tribe, I think. Aren't you?" The artist asked keenly as he began to sketch out their portrait.

Sean gently placed one hand on top of Josh's. "We are," He answered simply.

"Ah, yes, yes. Have to look out for one another. I like to give my tribe gifts like these. Very important to make sure we know that we aren't alone. My parents, when they found out, that's why I'm out here drawing on the street. Better than it could be, but I know. I know the stakes, eh? And I know what it's like to think oh, I'm all alone in the world! It's a beautiful feeling the day you realize you know what? I'm not. Other people are here, they care! And now you'll know. You can look at this if you feel alone and remember, ah, but we aren't alone. Luis knows, Luis cares, eh?"

Josh tangled his fingers through Sean's and smiled at that, despite feeling terrible for whatever Luis had endured. "It's nice to know you're not alone."

[Joshua Bernstein]

February 14th 2005

---

Josh had agreed to babysit for Matt and Michelle so that they could have a nice date on this most romantic of holidays. Not that his nephews required much effort, not anymore. After all, Noah was ten and Jeremiah was almost eight, which meant they were pretty self-sufficient as far as their uncle was concerned.

They didn't need to be reminded to go to the restroom, and they didn't need to be held while they cried, and they didn't need to be spoon fed their dinner. Of course, as Michelle had ordered pizza for the three of them there weren't any spoons involved anyway.

They even were capable of entertaining themselves.

Noah had retreated into the living room with his GameCube to play some fantasy game about Tales and Symphonies. Jeremiah hopped onto the sofa beside his brother.

"Noooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I wanna play too!"

Noah glared at his little brother. "Go away! I wanna play alone! Uncle Josh, make Jeremiah leave me alone!"

"Noah is being mean to me! Make him share!" Jeremiah retorted, sticking his tongue out at his brother.

Josh's expression was stricken. Although he had babysat on rare occasion in the past, he still wasn't entirely comfortable mediating sibling conflicts.

"Why don't we put away the video game for now and play a nice card game together while we wait for the pizza?" He suggested.

Noah rolled his eyes and slouched into the sofa. "Ugh. Card games are dumb."

This was, apparently, a fact the brothers could agree on, because Jeremiah flopped down beside his brother, echoing that sentiment with a sulky, "No. Only grown ups like boring card games."

Josh frowned severely at the boys, "Then you're going to have to learn to share your video games. Can't you do...two players...?"

"Multiplayer," Noah corrected his uncle. "Yeah, but Jeremiah's not any good, he'll make us lose."

"If you don't share with your brother you're going to have to share with your uncle, and I assure you that I'm much, much worse at this than he is," Josh snapped.

Noah rolled his eyes and groaned, but he changed his game to multiplayer. And Josh was glad, because he really didn't want to play with them.

He settled onto the love seat on the other side of the room, newspaper in one hand and coffee in the other. He kept an ear out for the pizza and an eye out on his nephews lest he have to intervene again.

Had he and Matt ever argued so much? He seemed to remember getting along better than this. When he brought it up when Matt and Michelle returned from dinner his brother turned beat red and laughed nervously.

"You don't remember me telling you to go away and leave me alone?"

And Josh shook his head.

[Joshua Bernstein]

September 1982

---

Josh regretted signing up for such an early class. If it hadn't been the only available time slot he wouldn't have, but such was college. He had to take the classes at the times they were scheduled, not when he wished they would be scheduled.

The streets were already filled with people, walking to work and school. He passed a handful of girls in the pleated skirts and knee-high socks of Catholic school girls, and a group of younger children waiting for the bus. He dodged men and women in suits and in the uniforms of retail workers.

He had just managed to escape a florist delivering by bicycle when he tripped right over a leash.

"I'm sorry! You all right?"

A hand shoved in front of his face, which Josh gingerly accepted, allowing himself to be pulled back to his feet.

"Thanks," Josh mumbled, staring up into the face of his rescuer. His hair was dyed bright blue and spiked into a mohawk. In his hand was a leash, to which was attached an enormous fawn colored mastiff.

"Sorry about that. Attila and I should pay a little more attention to where we're going, huh, girl?"

The mohawked man scratched the dog behind the ears.

"It's...it's all right. I was a bit lost in thought myself," Josh apologized.

The next day he saw the man and mastiff again, and he stopped deliberately in order to pet Attila.

"Does she eat dog treats?" He asked the man, who gave his name as Devon.

"Sure does! Not too many, though, or she'll get fat."

Josh's lips quirked into a smile at that. After class he went to the grocery store and bought dog biscuits, and the next day before class he put a few in his pocket.

[Joshua Bernstein]

September 1990

---

Josh pushed open the doors of the office building with wide eyed wonder. Wow, he couldn't believe that he was really going to be working here! He couldn't believe he had a real, actual job. After a decade of schoolwork, he was finally here! And Simon was looking for work, as well, and would probably get hired soon enough, and he had managed to have a boyfriend and pass the bar at the same time.

He didn't think this would have been achievable if he had still been dating Sean.

But Simon was less distracting, and so he had succeeded. Hooray!

He made his way to the break room, where a tall blond who wasn't Simon stood in front of the coffee maker.

"Good morning, Josh!" He greeted his new coworker with a wave. "I was just brewing some coffee. Would you like some?"

"Morning, Mr. Forte! I never turn down coffee."

Blake was a year younger than Josh, but he had been working for the firm for almost five years now. Long enough that he had seniority, and so Josh felt the need to address him by his surname.

"Please don't do that!" Blake begged, pouring a cup of coffee and handing it to Josh. "Just Blake is fine."

"Thank you....Blake."

"So what are you doing Friday after work?"

"Ahhh....I don't know!" Josh admitted. "My ahhh...friend might want to do something but..."

"Why don't you come out with me and my girlfriend for drinks? Your friend is welcome to come too."

Josh smiled, pleased to be making friends in his first week. "That would be nice, thanks."

[Joshua Bernstein]

October 8th, 1990

---

"So....do you think his boyfriend knows?" Sylvia whispered, nudging Blake with her knee. Her boyfriend shrugged expansively but didn't otherwise answer, and she stuck out her lower lip in a pout. "Come on, you always know!"

The other occupants of the table nodded seriously and murmured their agreement.

"I think he does," Blake admitted, and then hid his face in his drink in embarrassment.

Sylvia stirred her cocktail with a frown. "But that's so sad!"

Karen leaned across the table to pat Sylvia on the hand, "If he knows and is staying anyway then I wouldn't feel too sorry for him. I'm sure he isn't being forced to stay."

"No, but what if he thinks Josh is going to change?"

It was Nick's turn to pipe up at that. "He might. Or he might be able to love more than one person at a time."

Karen shot an unimpressed look at the other attorney. "No. Come on, Josh and his friend look at one another like Blake and Sylvia do. No offense," She added, as if the lovers might take some at the insinuation that they actually liked one another. "Look, I know I only met his boyfriend the one time, but I only met his friend this one time, too, and he did not look at boyfriend that way. And his boyfriend is cute. I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes off him if I was dating him."

"Forget looking, did you hear the way he talked about his friend when he asked if he could come with us? You'd think he was the second coming of the Messiah." Jackson piped up.

Nick elbowed him sharply. "Don't!"

Jackson looked sheepish and tilted back his drink before observing, "What if his friend is straight, though? Then he may as well date his boyfriend, if his friend isn't available."

Blake shrugged and Karen argued, "They both look enamored to me."

"You're just speculating about someone you don't know!" Nick narrowed his eyes at his coworkers, "You know what, this isn't right. We shouldn't gossip about Josh and his friend just because they aren't here right now."

Sylvia sighed and leaned her head on Blake's shoulder. "It's not gossip!" She objected at the same time Karen said, "What, we're supposed to gossip about them while they're here? Come on, Nick."

Nick sniffed sanctimoniously and stood. "If this is going to turn into a gossip party I'm going to leave, and you can gossip about me, too."

"Don't leave!" Jackson implored him.

Blake wrapped an arm around Sylvia's waist as he added, "We can talk about something else. Maybe we can talk about how much you adore President Bush."

That earned a scowl from Nick, but he sat back down. "Oh, let me count the ways."

[Joshua Bernstein]

September 1965

---

Josh ran ahead of his mother, hands gripping the straps of his backpack. He had a brand new pencil case full of sharpened pencils, and a brand new spiral-bound notebook, and a brand new box of crayons and all sorts of other fun supplies. His mother carried an unopened box of tissues and a bottle of liquid soap for the classroom, and her camera, but Josh didn't care about those.

"Josh, honey! Wait for me!" His mother called out as he lurched off the curb, ready to fly across the street. He took one step back onto the pavement, bouncing impatiently on both feet until she arrived. Then he gave a cursory look in either direction before taking off again.

He had already met his teacher, during orientation, but he couldn't remember where the class was.

"Come on, boopkie," His mother rearranged the items she was carrying so that they were both nestled in one hand, and she reached down to grab her son's hand. "Oh, you look so handsome. I should take a picture."

"I wanna see my teacher!" Josh complained, but then he spotted familiar pigtails among the crowd of elementary schoolers and mothers. "I wanna go play with her!"

He didn't remember her name, only that she had been at orientation as well, which meant that they were destined to be friends.

"Isn't she in your class?" His mother asked, letting go of his hand so that he could go say hello. The little boy took off like a shot, stumbling to a halt in front of his classmate.

"Hello! I'm Josh! We're in Miss Fason's class together!"

The girl stared at him for a moment, and the woman with her patted her on the back. "Go on, Bekah, don't be shy."

"We should be friends!" Josh informed her, "The very best friends!"

Bekah smiled at him and held out a hand, "Sure. We can be friends."

Mrs. Bernstein beamed proudly at her son and his new friend, urging them to look at the camera so that she could take a picture. "Oh, a new friend already, and school isn't even in session yet. That's so nice," She cooed.

Bekah's mother gave Mrs. Bernstein a smile of her own. "I suppose we'll be seeing a lot of one another, then. What if your son comes to our place after school today?"

[Joshua Bernstein]

December 9th 1980

---

The weather had been mild lately, not that Josh minded. He tolerated the cold, but it was easier to walk to and from school when he wasn't in danger of sinking hip deep in snow. Instead he wasn't even wearing a hat or gloves, although he had donned a sweater that morning.

"Ho ho ho!" A voice boomed out behind him. Shadow fell across the pavement as someone large and jolly came up behind him.

"Malik!" Josh greeted the older man, turning on his heels. "Are you on the way to the mall?"

He didn't need to ask; the enormous beard and the iconic red suit of Santa Claus spelled that out clear enough.

"Sure am!" Malik grinned, but then his expression sobered and he asked, "Did you see the news?"

Josh shook his head, his heart dropping. "No...I was going to pick up a newspaper before class but I haven't...what's wrong?"

"John Lennon. Shot dead last night."

Josh gasped. "That's awful!"

But at the same time he could feel relief flooding through him that it was only a celebrity, and not a national disaster or someone he knew. The relief was followed by a sharp stab of guilt; any death was a tragedy. Just because he didn't know Lennon personally didn't make it less so.

Malik nodded grimly. "Such a loss to music."

Josh was silent at that. He didn't dislike the Beatles, but he thought they were a little overrated.

"I have to get going. Can't disappoint all the good girls and boys waiting on Santa."

"Sure! And I need to get to class." Josh agreed. "Bye, Malik!"

"Bye, Josh."

And the tubby red-suited man disappeared down the street.