Memories and Nightmares - Trigger Warning

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Dear Diary,

This is the first entry in my new journal seeing as how the last one is completely filled. It's a good start off too, lots to talk about. More than I'd like, but some of it isn't all bad, so I can't complain too much. Just a little. Summary: Zac's a dick, Rhett's coming around-ish, new girl I met, Fifi, is pretty nice, Craven is taken and Izzy is my new crush. Oh and to add on to the Craven thing, he's officially my rock.

Okay, so I'll start off with Zac. I ended up throwing a party shortly after my birthday and he decides to show up. I thought I could get through one day without fighting with him, but he insists on treating me like dirt. He says I'm predictable and boring. I'll admit to being predictable, it's true and it sucks, but I've never been called boring. Just because Tal and I broke up does NOT mean I was the soul reason behind it. I've come to terms with saying he didn't 'cheat.' Ever since that convo with Robbie about what's cheating and what's not, I've changed my views. He kissed Rhett twice, but not once did the pants come off, so maybe I jumped the gun. That was my fault, but that wasn't the only reason we broke up. Tal and I never hung out once we started dating (if you can even call it that). He never made plans to see me and that's kind of the guy's job. So, if I'm boring because we didn't do anything, it's because he didn't make an attempt to do anything. For all I know, he was off with some other girl too.

Second on the list is Rhett. When I say he's coming around, I mean it by saying he teamed up with Izzy and I when things started getting ugly at the party. He didn't get in Zac's face or anything, he just agreed with us, partly. It's not much, but I'm trying so hard to make things right between me and him. He said hurtful things on our 'fun-filled' picnic that I could have done without, but I'm gonna take a wild guess and call it a defense mechanism. He was probably a little pissed at Talen too. I'm going to try and see if him and I can be on even ground, maybe not friends, but not enemies either. He never really did anything to me intentionally.

New girl. Fifi Hart is her name and she's got this weird intoxication power. It more or less drugs you if it's used on you. I'm so wanting to try it out! Anyway, she used it at my party on Zac and Izzy when the two came close to fighting (Izzy trying to be tough, so adorable). Then she calmed everything down and was nice to me. I may have actually made a friend of the same sex, Heaven knows I don't have many. I could really use it, even if she's friends with Zac, I've managed to stay friends with Robbie.

Craven has a girlfriend! Eep! I'm so happy for him. Gia of course had to make the first move and Craven ran screaming, but he manned up and is trying it out. I'm worried about Tanner and Cooper's reaction to it. Craven dating below him is not going to go over well, just like it did with Luc and Belle. I don't think Cooper will stoop as low as hitting Craven, but you never can tell. I'm hoping that I can help Craven with getting Tanner over it, maybe even talking to Cooper. I have to do something considering both of them like me so much. Craven and Gia are perfect for each other and I don't want anyone to ruin it for them. My next project for Craven is working on his confidence level. He's gotta boost it a little, it'll help him with Gia for sure. Maybe I'll try and improve his intentional flirting too. The boy is damn good at it when he's not trying, but when he does try...word vomit.

Last person to talk about is Izzy. He made an appearance at my party, despite having avoided me for a bit after the whole infirmary accident. It was really nice seeing him and he apologized and it was going great. Until Zac butted in and pissed Izzy off. Who'd have thought Izzy would be my Knight in Shining Armor? He was going to fight Zac! I don't know what he was thinking, but the notion was sweet. Luckily, Fifi got involved before Izzy got hurt. I'd have felt soooo bad if Zac hurt Izzy, not to mention I'd be pissed. So, after my party and everything, I kind of had a bit of an emo moment. Iris was stuck in my head and I decided I'd try my hand at writing in my journal, but that didn't happen because Izzy showed up. He began playing Iris because he'd heard me humming it. The boy is an amazing singer and despite not being all that familiar with the guitar part, he did awesome playing it. Then he played me Hey Jude. Perfect song for us, by the way. And he called me pretty! I don't want to read into it, but I think he might actually like me and I like him. If anything is going to happen, it'll be taken slow.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Dear Diary,

Well Thanksgiving is almost here and my mother is coming to visit. First event is dinner with Craven and his father. My mom was dying to see Craven so I couldn't really keep him from her and I figured it would be nice for Cooper to come too. Of course Craven wasn't really all gun-ho for that, but Cooper seems to like me so I'm not too opposed to the idea.

Usually my mom and I have our own little get together, but this year, since she's only staying for a couple days, I'm going to Craven's house for their big thanksgiving dinner. It'll be my first time in Seattle and I'll be able to have a traditional thanksgiving. It'll be weird, but hopefully it won't be too horrible. Crave told me that Robbie was invited so I'll know more than just him there. And I haven't seen Robbie in a really long time so it should be fun. And I'll hopefully get to see Crave and Gia actually together since I have yet to see it.

As of now, all is good. I get to see my mom, I have great friends and maybe a bit of a crush. Now all I can hope for, is that it stays like this for a while. Drama free....

Yeah, like that'll happen.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Dear Diary,

Huge mistake. Big. Ridiculously gigantic.

What is this mistake you might ask? Well, let's start here. I went to dinner with Craven and Cooper. My mom and I were both excited in the beginning, but it turned out to be a disaster. Trinity was there, the twit that is after Cooper and Tanner both. She's leggy, but not all that gorgeous. She's completely disinterested in anything that doesn't have to do with Cooper's job and his body. Seduction is the key, but she's far from getting anywhere. Craven was trying to get Cooper interested in my mom. Weird, but it would have been pretty cute. My mom is in dire need of a man in her life.

So far, all is well. Cooper hinted at me and Craven hooking up which is normal and he also started saying things about Gia. Not something I enjoyed biting my tongue and let happen. Craven was really upset about it and it tore me to pieces seeing how hard it was for him to not stick up for her. He slipped up and mentioned that he had a girlfriend. I had to cover for him and he took off.

That's when things started getting...bad. I sat there comforting him, making him see how incredibly wonderful he is. Unfortunately, it was killing me being close to him without having a chance to have him. I wouldn't get involved with him, not when he had Gia. I told him how I felt as if every guy who'd ever shown interest in me thought of me as an object. He said he loved me and it broke my heart further. It hurt so much I thought I'd turn hollow.

So what was the mistake? Not only did I almost kiss him, but I suggested we fake a relationship in front of Cooper. He agreed and now that I think about it...it's just going to hurt me more. He'll be able to fake it easily, but I won't have to fake my feelings for him. The only thing I'll have to fake is a smile to show that this fake relationship means nothing to me and that I'm not being torn apart from the inside out because of him. He doesn't deserve the guilt and I don't want to make him feel bad.

My life will never be drama free. As hard as I try, it seems to follow me.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Dear Diary,

Again, I keep making the same mistake. Why can't I just stop feeling? I wish I had the power to turn off my emotions, it'd be so much more useful than power mimicry! I hate this and I just want it all to end. Things aren't getting any better, not in the slightest. In fact, they're just getting worse. The more time I spend with Craven the harder it is to not like him so much. He's always there, no matter what and though most of the time I love it, now I just wish I was invisible to him.

I've considered moving back to California without graduating from Hammel. I don't know if it's possible, but I can't stay here anymore. Either I'll find a way to leave or I'll distance myself from everyone just so I don't have to keep getting hurt. Craven wouldn't notice, not when he's got Gia on his mind at all times. Robbie and I rarely see each other as it is. No one else would notice my disappearing act, maybe I'll just have to give it a try.

If that doesn't work, I could always turn into the biggest whore at Hammel. Surely if I had sex with every guy possible I'd get over Craven. It's stupid and could seriously hurt me, but at this point I'm open to doing whatever it takes to forget him.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Dear Diary,

I give up...

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Dear Diary,

Well, things haven't gotten much better I have to admit. I'm still stuck with feelings that I really wish would just disappear. And now I feel like a whore because I have feelings for two guys. Neither one of them know about the other. Okay, I'll start from the beginning.

While Craven and I were fighting, I decided to go out running. Really early, really cold and I still couldn't go without socializing. I figured that there would be absolutely NO ONE out there. And what happens? I end up talking anyway. I'd sworn off talking to people because I'm still afraid of getting hurt, and yet I still ended up talking. And even worse...I started talking to another guy! Am I really becoming the ultimate whore?

I don't know anymore. Anyway, Lani and I ended up talking. Really talking, more in depth than I would have thought. But I wasn't throwing myself at him like I usually would have. We actually barely touched. And he's hot, so that's an improvement. His sister Caroline was diagnosed with cancer when she was real young, so he can actually relate to how I feel. It's on a different level than with Craven. He doesn't understand exactly what it's like. Yes, his mother died, and it's an awful thing. But he didn't understand it because he was so young. Lani does get it though. Him and I have the same thoughts and feelings about sympathy. It's scary how alike we think.

He taught me how to use his power because I beat him at a race. It's difficult, but I'm actually not bad at it! And I'm helping him get more control by teaching me. It's a win win situation there. And it was fun! We even made plans to dance together. I'll be teaching him hip/hop! I'm actually really excited to hang out with him, he brought out the fun side of me. The happy side. And we could still be serious at the same time. It was such a relief talking to someone else about my mom and actually having them get it. I just don't want to go too fast. I sorta like him already, and not just because he's super cute. His personality makes him that much better.

Now for the Craven situation. So again while he and I were fighting, I went out running. Unfortunately EVERYONE likes to run real early when it's cold. Who do I come across this time you ask? Well let me just give you a hint. He's this gorgeous pyro that I just so happened to have dated. Yepp, Luke comes falling back into my life. But not for long. He had a fiance and still had the nerve to flirt with me. Ugh. I'm just glad he's gone now. I wouldn't want to ruin his fiance's life.

Which brings me to the real reason why things haven't been getting better. Craven. Alright, so he decides to break me out of my hermit stage right? Well he brings me a white rose and a heart necklace to show me how sorry he is or whatever. Totally sweet, huh? Well it didn't last long. As soon as him and I are fine again, I try and talk to my 'best friend' who is supposed to be there for me and open to hear what I have to say. So I tell him about Luke. And what does he do? He accuses me of being a home-wrecker more or less! He says I'll ruin Alexandria's life if I start talking to Luke again. I didn't even say I wanted to!

And then to top it all off, our friendship might as well be completely dead and hollow. I get it, he doesn't want to hurt Gia, hell I don't either! I'd feel horrible, but he was the one who asked me all of those question because he wanted to know! Then he runs away. Now he's back and it's like my best friend is still missing. We've lost the carefree, fun part of our relationship and it's all my fault. I can't get anywhere close to him now because he doesn't want it to be too close.

It's the worst feeling in the world. I almost wish he hadn't come to see me. My heart is broken from him and I'm trying hard not to make Lani my rebound guy. Not that he's even close to that, I actually like him.

Well, until more happens. And trust me there will be more. I'll say goodbye.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Dear Diary,

I told you more would happen! But this is all good, so I'm definitely NOT complaining in the slightest. Can you believe I'm actually happy, but not that overly happy like I used to be when I had Luke and Tal? Oh no, I'm no longer the 'Omg he's sooooo amazing' girl anymore. I mean, sure, the guy I've got is totally amazing and all, but I can actually give logical reasons!! Eep! Okay, okay, I'll go into more detail.

So, Lani and I ended up going out to the club, bad idea you'd think right? Wrong. It ended up giving me new great memories instead of making me dwell on the old ones. I almost kinda kicked a guy in the junk, but he walked away right before I did. Lani didn't even act like I couldn't handle it! He really believes I can take care of myself. But he did say that if I ever needed him to do some damage that he totally would. My hero <3 But seriously, the guy just walked over and started getting all grabby and I slapped him real hard. Damn drunks. Hate 'em.

Lani can't dance. He wasn't lying, but his attempts were so darn adorable! And his only problem is the rhythmic part. Once he gets the beat under his feet he'll be a great dancer, I already can tell. I'm really pumped to teach him.

OMG! We had a totally perfect movie moment. We were talking and it was getting all sappy and whatnot, then he kissed me (insert fangirl squeal here) and a slow song came on!! How cute is that?! Not just a slow song, but A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. It's one of my favorite songs, and not because of Breaking Dawn. I love her voice and the way the song flows. And because of that totally perfect moment, I start choreographing a dance to it. It's almost finished! So far, I think it's some of my best work. Heck, I might actually show Lani when it's finished ^^ Oh and I've got a song I've been singing that reminds me of him too. It's Flaws and All by Beyoncé. It fits us so perfectly that I just can't stop singing it!

I bet Lani on another race. This time, if he wins I have to give him a massage ( ;3 ) and if I win, he has to wear a powder pink strapless dress! Either way it's a win for me. I wouldn't mind running my hands over his hot bod. And seeing him in a dress...classic.

The best part of that night though, was when he asked me to the Valentine's day dance! I'm actually going!!!

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Dear Diary,

Well, I have new nightmares and wonderous dreams to report. I'll start with the better stuff. Lani met my mother a few months ago. The whole thing started out awkward, but she loves him already and he seems to like her too. It was pretty entertaining the way everything happened; him coming to kidnap me, her walking in on us making out and him falling off the bed. It was entertaining and the whole day just made everything perfect. It was around that time that I realized I was falling in love with him.

Lani just makes me feel so much better about myself. I really do care about him, and nothing would really change that.... And then Rhett comes back.

To be honest, I didn't believe that his return would mean much. We'd had our problems and differences, but that didn't mean anything bad had to happen again. I hadn't even expected to see him or talk to him. But he found me. All I was doing was sitting in the student lounge, reading a book and in walks Rhett. Now, he'd said something before Lani and I became an item, but I never really listened to him. There was no point then and I should have tuned him out when he started talking to me. The way he started it off with 'We're friends right?' should have tipped me off to just ignore him. I didn't though, all I did was try and be civil with the boy because I had no reason to hate him anymore. Of course, I wasn't all that thrilled with him, but still. And then he fills my head with a bunch of things that I didn't believe at the time.

Then...my head started getting in the way.

So what did I do? I went to the auditorium to just dance and get everything off my chest and forget about what he said. That didn't happen though. Odion walked in, and I really don't have a problem with Odion at all, at that time I didn't either even though he was included in the conversation. Rhett had said that he was worried about Odion and Lani's friendship. I knew that they hungout together, even if they tried to play it off like they weren't friends, I knew they were and it didn't bother me. So I talked to Odion and he told me not to listen to Rhett, just to tell Lani what happened, but not accuse him. That was the plan, but I just couldn't let it go.

Once I got back to my dorm, I called Lani and just started bawling. I couldn't get control over myself and it came out all wrong. I hadn't meant for it to get so out of hand, but it came out like I was accusing him and that I didn't trust him. It wasn't that I didn't trust him because I do, I just was so terrified of something else happening like it did with Talen. And I know that Lani isn't Talen at all, but Rhett was implying that Lani was unsure about what he wanted. I couldn't just let it go. Not at the time. I mean, eventually it got better, but I still felt guilty. It's been a few weeks since then, and I still think he's worried that Rhett will come for me again. I don't know.

Surprisingly enough though, that wasn't the strangest part of this summer so far. I found out that secret that I'd known Lani was keeping from me. It took kidnapping and a gun to my head to figure it out, but we all made it out alive. Thanks in large part to Odion and Lani together...I just wish I would have done something to help. But no, I reacted like the damsel in distress that couldn't do anything but keep quiet and try not to cry. The power mimic that could have helped just stood there. So much for strong.

I don't care that Lani is a thief or that he worked for a mob boss. He did it to help his little sister and I knew I'd have done the same thing in his position. We'd talked about Anakin from Star Wars and how he'd done what he had to with the intention to save the girl he loved. Anakin was a hero, and even if he didn't see it this way, so was Lani. The real test of if I loved Lani was when I found out. If I didn't love him as much as I knew I did, I'd have been furious with him and never talked to him again. But I do love him. This side of him is just another part to love. Things are getting better after having our first fight and everything happening this way.

Hopefully, life will stop throwing me so many curve balls, but for now, I guess I'll take them as they come.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Dear Diary,

Months have gone by and for a while I thought a picture journal would be enough. But for what I have to write right now, it isn't. Things are changing, and yet they've somehow managed to change the same way throughout the years. Disappearances, reappearances. It's like a never-ending cycle of change. I used to think that change was a good thing, that nothing bad could come from it, but the more change that occurs, the worse I feel and the more I think that the change is for the worst, not the better. I've always been a positive person, but that seems to be the biggest change as of late.

Nightmare number one: my mother's life is coming to an end and she only has a couple of months to go. One would think I'd feel a little easier about this because it would end her suffering. But how would you feel when the person who not only gave you life, but has been there with you through all of the bad was dying? What if you didn't have anyone else like that person? What if that person was the one who taught you everything that made up your morals and your very being? How am I supposed to accept that in the next few months she'll be gone? Tell me what I'm supposed to feel.

Nightmare number two: Venn's MIA. It's bad enough that my mother is on borrowed time, but the boy that I've known the longest and who I love more than anything is gone. He's got family business of his own to mind, but I can't stand not having him here. Now more than ever, I want him to come back. I don't know if I'll be able to handle my mother's death alone.

But wait, I wouldn't be alone because of Nightmare number three: My father's slowly trying to weed his way back into my life. Starting through my mother while she's still around. Yanking violently at my heart strings and hoping it works. I don't want it to work though. I just want my mother, I don't want him.

Who am I to turn to? Who do I have left?

[Adrianna Carstyn]

I hate him.

I never thought it was possible to love someone so much as a friend and then hate their whole being just a short while later. But I do. I never asked for this. I never planned on turning out like this. I never wanted us to get like this. And yet, no matter how hard either of us tried...this is what happens. We scream and yell at each other until one of us snaps. And this time it was me.

He wanted me to promise I wouldn't do it anymore, but I couldn't keep that promise. I can't do it. I can't get through this. We're never going to be friends like we were before we started dating. He made that perfectly clear to me. He doesn't have faith in me, he treats me like I don't know anything. He was never happy when we were together, not even when we were just friends? Good to know. Well now that I don't have to try anymore, I guess that's less stress on me.

I just hate that I have to explain this to my mother now because when I go see her and I'm without him I know she'll ask why... I don't want to upset her when she's already on her death bed.

I don't know what to do anymore... I've completely lost myself.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

I'm trying.

It's a new year, filled with new things to think about...new things to try to care about. But that's just the problem, I don't care about anything anymore. Not when it comes to myself at least. I've got nothing left inside of me, it's all just empty. My mom's gone. Venn's gone. I'm at a school filled with people that just see me as this broken, fragile thing. They didn't know me when I was normal...when I was me. I honestly don't think there is anyone that knows who I am anymore. If I don't, how could they? Here I thought I was this normal girl who had been dealt a sucky hand, but given an angel for a mother to make it all worth while. And I knew that all angels had to go back to Heaven, but I hoped that she would stay forever.

But then the darkness came and swept me away in one fell swoop. I lost my footing and got sucked up by it. It won't let me go and the harder I try to pull away, it drags me back down. It's like I'm drowning and it all makes sense to me why Lani's so afraid of water because as soon as the current sweeps you up, you have to fight like hell to escape. And if you don't, you get pulled under further and further until you can't breathe. Until all there is, is a crushing pressure that cuts off the air in your lungs. The problem is, I'm still getting pulled under with glimmers of hope that make it seem like I can reach the surface before I'm tugged back lower. The hope is keeping me from being numb.

And who do I tell all of these things to? Who would really understand? Surely I can't tell Xavier, I can't tell Elisia or Reece...and I can't tell Lani. So who is there? Who's left?

This is why I'm writing here. To tell my angel that went back to Heaven.

Mommy, I miss you. I love you and I'm trying. I'm trying to come back to you, or to get better for you. I just can't decide which yet. I hope you found happiness, Mommy. I hope you are finally done suffering. I just wish...I wish you were here to help me through this because I'm so lost. I want to be me again.

-AMC