The Past Is a Grotesque Animal

July 1976

---

Josh and Donald were standing on the streets of Manhattan, shivering in the rain. Neither had dressed appropriately for the weather, but they weren't about to go back to the warmth of their homes. Not until they'd registered their disagreement with the Supreme Court's ruling on Gregg vs Georgia. Registered and convinced all of Manhattan to join them with the stack of very soggy flyers they were handing out, flyers that explained the grave anarchist future that awaited a country that allowed the death penalty.


To say they had expected a bigger crowd would have been an understatement; they had expected a crowd. Any crowd. Not a woman with what looked like a bird's nest for hair, a person of indeterminate gender, a few aging hippies and a couple who were too stoned to be helpful. The small group were clustered outside City Hall, attempting to snare attention with little success. Most of the passers-by ignored them, heads down and umbrellas held high to avoid the rain. Most of the umbrellas were black, as drab as the grim-faced businessmen and women who carried them. A woman stopped long enough to jeer at them; her umbrella was neon green and decorated with little cartoon frogs. She was probably a tourist; at any rate she was very vocal about her dislike of hippies. Although he admired hippies, Josh was fairly certain that he wasn't one. Donald made a rude gesture in her direction. Josh merely looked sad.


"Is disliking murder just a hippie concept? I wish it was an everyone concept," he sighed, brushing damp hair out of his eyes before shooting a glare at the stoned couple; they looked like hippies, in T-shirts imprinted with giant Bob Marley heads and unwashed jeans, "I wish they would stop smoking and help us." He groused.


"Don't lie, you just want them to share," Donald grinned, elbowing his friend in the ribs.


Josh paused, allowing an older gentleman and his wife to pass without accosting them. "That too." He admitted after a moment, returning his attention to the passers-by. A little pot might make this whole exercises more bearable. As it was he was miserable: he was soaked to the skin, his feet were tired from standing on the streets all day, his voice was hoarse and he was discouraged by their lack of success. There had been no swell of supporters as the day wore on, there were no journalists or television crews to ensure their sacrifice of dry clothes in the name of justice lived on, there weren't even any police officers around to turn them into martyrs.


He scuffed his shoe against the cement in discouragement, glancing down at his watch. "It's almost dinner time." He sighed. His mother would be setting out her special mushroom pie; his father had invited a coworker over from dinner and had requested that along with a flourless chocolate cake. Kosher, because his coworker was religious. Josh's family weren't exactly the best at observing such trivialities. "Do you think mom will notice if I'm late?" The answer to that was that of course she would notice if he came home late and dripping wet and while she herself had complained loudly about the outcome of Gregg vs Georgia she wasn't likely to approve of being rude to their guests.


"Probably," Donald supplied, unfortunately confirming his thoughts and Josh kicked at the curb again.


"But it's in the name of justice," He rationalized, shoving a piece of paper at a young Asian woman; she ignored it and he sighed again, "Justice is more of a struggle than I was hoping it would be." When he'd envisioned participating in this demonstration he'd envisioned thousands of people rallying together to overturn a decision in favor of death, possibly in the face of terrible and violent opposition from the police or maybe even the National Guard. Violent opposition, of course, meant spraying people with hoses and maybe roughing a few of them up when arresting them, not running people over with tanks or shootings or beheadings or anything too barbaric. What he hadn't expected was apathy from almost the entire rest of the population. Didn't people read the news? Didn't they care? "I thought we were more civilized than this!" He complained, handing his flyer to a good looking man in a three-piece suit. The man took the paper, glancing over it just long enough for Josh's spirits to lift -- someone cared!, and then tossed it to the ground. "Hey!! That's littering!!!" The teen yelled after him as the paper was trampled into the wet pavement.


He darted forward, snatching the now destroyed flyer off the street and crumpling it up dejectedly. "Maybe we should ask if they'll share..." He began, scanning to find a trashcan. The trashcan was nearby; their supposed help was nowhere to be found.


"Must have got the munchies." Donald observed sagely.


Josh could feel his own stomach rumbling and thought of dinner and chocolate cake and a warm house and dry clothes. "....do you think if we waited a day it would make a difference?" He asked after a moment.


Donald shook his head. "We can come back tomorrow. Maybe we'll even have rain jackets."


"Sure," Josh agreed, shuffling his flyers, "Tomorrow. People will listen to us tomorrow. Maybe I'll even get mom to pack us lunch. People listen to demonstrators who bring their own lunch."


"Good idea. It's hard to be persuasive on an empty stomach." Donald nodded.


"Exactly. We need food to think properly." He gave a casual nod to the pitiful remainders of their group. "My mom's expecting me back for dinner," He explained, "We'll be back tomorrow." And he turned to Donald, "So we're having guests over anyway, I'll bet there's enough dinner to Fed an army. Do you want to stay over?"


"I don't know..." Donald began doubtfully, but Josh cut in quickly with "There'll be cake!"


"Yeah, okay. Maybe I'll come. For cake. Do you think she'll bake us a cake for tomorrow?"


"Sure. Cake is persuasive, right? Cake for justice. I suppose that's a fair trade. Mom likes justice."


"I meant for us, Josh."


"Oh. Maybe."


The two boys hurried toward the subway station, rushing not because of the rain (it was much too late to care about that) but because of the promise of food.

Josh taped a few of his flyers to the walls of the station while they waited. Maybe they hadn't accomplished much tonight, but tomorrow they would. Tomorrow people would listen to them. Tomorrow society would be unable to sanction the death penalty because two sixteen year olds and a group of aging hippies said they shouldn't. The Supreme Court might not feel pressure to change their ruling that night; perhaps one day alone wasn't quite enough time to spread information.

They still had tomorrow.

1965

---

The smell of yellow American cheese sizzling on the stove top drifted into the living room. Thirteen year old Shulamit Kunkel had left her two charges there, Matt busy with a coloring book and Josh asleep on the couch. She was relieved that the youngest Bernstein was napping; Matt was easy to handle but Josh tended to bounce off the walls. If her mother hadn't been friends with Mrs. Bernstein she would have begun charging more money to watch the boys. Mrs. Bernstein was now seven months pregnant; Shulamit sincerely hoped the newest addition to the Bernstein household would share Matt's temperament.

Whatever Shulamit wanted the smell was enough to entice the youngest Bernstein to wakefulness, rolling off the couch and rubbing his eyes. "Maaaaaatt." He padded over to where the eight year old was giving careful attention to making Jiminy Cricket an appropriate shade of green. "What're you doing?"

"Coloring," Matt responded, failing to look up.

"Play with me!" Josh demanded, trying to yank the coloring book out of his brother's hand.

Matt shoved the younger boy away from his precious coloring. "Stoppit! I don't wanna!" He cried, looking down with dismay at his coloring book, which now sported a giant green streak across Jiminy and Pinocchio. "Shulamiiiiiiiiiiit! Josh messed up my coloriiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!"

"Did not!!!" Josh objected, stamping one foot. "I just asked you to play!! Come on, Matt, play with meeee!" He begged, clasping his brother's arm and tugging him determinedly.

"I'm coloring! Leave me alone!!" Matt attempted to shake Josh off, with little success. "Josh, let go!!" He shoved his brother again, causing the younger boy to fall over with a cry. "Shulamit! Tell Josh to leave me alone!!"

The whining keen caused the girl to snap her head around the corner of the kitchen, brown curls bouncing around her head. "Boys! No fighting!"

The five year old jutted out his lower lip defiantly. "Matt pushed me!!"

"You tried to steal my book!"

"I just wanna plaaaay!"

Shulamit sighed in frustration; she was pretty sure she never wanted children. "Please stop fighting or --- " She began before Josh had latched onto her legs. "Play with me!! I wanna play!!!!"

She attempted to scrape him off. "Not right now, Josh, I'm trying to make your dinner."

"I don't want dinner! I wanna play!"

"Maybe after dinner."

"I wanna play now!" Patience was perhaps not his best virtue, but then he was only five. Shulamit could only hope he would learn with time.

"We'll play after I finish these grilled cheese sandwiches," She promised, wishing Josh had stayed asleep. He always wore her out. She was pretty sure she was too old for this.

Josh didn't look entirely convinced, but the mention of grilled cheese gave him pause. "With American cheese?"

A nod.

"Yellow?"

Another nod.

"You promise you'll play with me?"

"Yes!"

"Okay." He agreed, looking over at Matt, who was clutching his coloring book protectively before wandering over to the box of Lego's in the corner. Sometimes he knew when to quit.

Shulamit gave a sigh of relief and returned to the kitchen to finish grilling dinner. And when Mrs. and Mr. Bernstein returned home and asked if the boys had behaved she smiled.

"Of course I have!" Josh lied, peering suspiciously into the plastic cup full of alcohol. He'd turned 18 in April, but he had yet to avail himself of any of his new privileges with the exception of voting. He'd not yet begun to drink, though that had little to do with concerns for either staying sober or following the law as he'd been perfectly happy to consume marijuana all throughout high school. He just hadn't had easy access to beer. Well, that was going to change now, apparently. His new friends drank at parties, and he wanted desperately to fit in with them: They were conscientious and intelligent and willing to work to make the world a better place. They were also, by and large, several years older than he was and....

Well, he didn't exactly want to admit it, but they were friends with Sean. He really wanted to impress Sean.

And impressing Sean (and his friends. but mostly Sean) had somehow translated into his mind to mean pretend to have experience with alcohol, which was why he'd just had his plastic cup refilled for the fourth time. He wasn't exactly sure he wanted to continue drinking, which was why he was staring at the liquid instead of imbibing. Greg's jab that he'd never had beer before tonight, however, was enough to make him screw up his face and tilt the cup back.

Unfortunately, drinking yet another round did nothing to stop the world from spinning. In fact, he was pretty sure it only made the spinning worse.

He squinted over in the direction of Sean. He was busily involved in conversation with Daphne, which meant he was probably not properly impressed. That was a little vexing, because Josh was fairly certain that if he drank anymore he was going to throw up; throwing up wasn't on his list of things to do in front of cute guys.

"Agh! The Frosh exploded!"

There went impressive.

Josh had just enough time to look in dismay at the vomit on his shoes and down the front of his shirt before passing out.

---

He woke the next morning with a splitting headache, on someone else's couch and in someone else's shirt. He had to admit, it was nice of them not to leave him in the clothes he'd been wearing the night before. But as nice as the older Peacies were about the fiasco he was still bummed out.

He'd definitely blown his chances.

1997

---

The apartment felt lonely.

Sean had suggested he find a boyfriend. He was pretty sure that was meant as a joke. Even if he found a boyfriend he wasn't going to invite him to move in, but he wouldn't exactly describe himself as looking. Maybe looking in the other direction and hoping nobody noticed him. It wasn't that boyfriends were a terrible idea; there were some nice aspects to the whole relationship thing. Like, well, not being alone. And he'd liked living with Sean right up until they couldn't do anything individually, including studying. That was the big problem with boyfriends: he really, really didn't want to be joined at the hip with anyone. There needed to be an option to spend a lot of time together while still maintaining a separate life.

Boyfriends were obviously out of the question.

That was why he was standing in Anita Lamprey's backyard, hovering over the hutches filled with Holland Lop Rabbits. A friend had a rabbit once, when he was very young. It had nibbled on some wires and electrocuted itself and his mother had shortly after put the kibosh on his own inquiries. He hadn't had the time to care for one during college (and he wasn't about to suggest one when he was living with Sean, anyway, not knowing his friend was weird about animals) but now seemed the perfect time to rectify this situation.

Anita held out one of the small bundles of fur. "This breed has a sweet disposition," She explained lovingly as Josh hesitantly reached out to stroke behind floppy ears. "They make good pets, especially if you have children."

Josh shook his head, "No children. Just me. It's adorable." He added as the rabbit lifted it's head to nose at his hand.

"She," Anita smiled, "Her name is Cotton Tail."

Josh returned the smile, allowing Cotton Tail to sniff at his finger tips. "She is adorable, then," He corrected himself, "Pardon me for calling you an it, Ms. Cotton Tail. I hope you'll forgive me."

The rabbit twitched her nose at him.

"I think that's a yes," Anita laughed.

Josh straightened, giving Cotton Tail one last pat on the head. "And I think I'll take her."

A rabbit wasn't a boyfriend or even a friend. A rabbit couldn't hold a conversation on the economy or Israel. And a rabbit needed to be fed and watered and have its hutch cleaned.

But a rabbit also made the apartment a little less lonely and that was what mattered.

Josh stared down at the paper clutched in his hand, giant red fifty scrawled across the top. It had gradually been getting worse and worse and the young man who had once been proud of his A and B average was barely scraping by. The grades were merely a symptom of how horribly wrong everything had gone; that was the catalyst for barging into Matt's apartment uninvited, but not the topic of interest.

"It just hurts so much," He announced with a sigh, not even thinking of giving Matt an explanation.

The older boy quirked an eyebrow at him from his seat on the other side of the room. "I think you'll survive one bad test score."

Josh continued to twist his paper anxiously. "It's not that," he began, and then lapsed into silence, frowning down at his lap. After a moment he sighed again. "Matt, have you ever loved someone so much it hurt?"

The wide-eyed look on Matt's face stated clearly that this was an unexpected conversational direction. "No." He replied after a moment, "if it hurts it isn't love."

"But what else could it be? What if you just need the other person, and you can't live without them? Then every time you're spent apart hurts so much and...and..." and because you could barely stand to be apart for even the time it took to do homework you failed all your classes.

"Need isn't love, Josh." Matt warned, expression changing from shock to caution while his younger brother spilled forth his worries. "If you can't live without her you're not in love, you're a parasite."


Josh's head snapped up, a look of horror crossing his face. "No." He couldn't be a parasite, they were in love. And it hurt. A lot. He'd always imagined love would be closer to what his parents had, laughter and smiles. And it was. Sometimes. But most of the time it was a jumble of conflicting negative emotions: pain at being apart warred with suffocation, desire for praise and affection warred with a desire for autonomy, for Sean to stop ruffling his hair like he was a pet and to stop all the time speaking to him in imperatives. They were politely worded imperatives, but imperatives nonetheless. And he wanted Sean's attention even when he just wanted to be left alone.

But he didn't know how to say any of that and so instead he balled his test up in his fist, pressing his mouth into a thin line. "I just don't know what to do. I can't flunk out, mom'll kill me."

Grades were an easy shield to hide behind, a way to avoid discussing any of the actual issues at hand.

"Josh." Matt moved to stand beside Josh, placing one hand on his brother's shoulder. "I don't know this girl, but nobody is worth losing your identity in. No matter how much you think you're in love with her, you can get over it. Just dump her."

Josh dropped his eyes downward once again. He didn't like that solution. "Dump her?" He repeated. Even the thought made him feel sick. "I can't do that! You don't understand, we're in love, Matt. In love. And sometimes love hurts, mom and dad's relationship isn't perfect."

"Mom and dad aren't gonna die without one another." Matt pointed out.

"Maybe they are! You don't know! I'll bet they need one another. Our relationship isn't that bad. Sea.....she's the only reason I have friends. And she's taught me a lot. Come on, Matt, just because I want to be with her all the time isn't a bad thing. That's what love is supposed to be like, right?"

"No, of course it isn't! Not all the time. That's not healthy. Have you been watching too many Disney movies or what? If you don't have a life outside your girlfriend then something is wrong."

"I haven't watched any Disney movies lately. That's not the kind of movies she likes to watch."

"Case in point."

Could he break up with Sean and still keep the older boy in his life? Maybe if they were friends but not dating then all the twisted up gut feelings would go away. They could have the laughter and the smiles and the protests and enjoy one another's company without the desperate need and longing and suffocation. And without the poor grades.

Because he couldn't cut him out completely. He needed Sean. Matt didn't seem to get that. But Matt didn't know that he was with Sean, seemed to think he was talking about some girl he just hadn't bothered to bring around to meet the family. If he knew it was Sean maybe he would understand. At least, if he could get over the fact that Sean was a boy maybe he would understand.

The big problem was, could he get Sean to understand that? Breaking up sounded like a permanent end rather than just an attempt to repair what had gone wrong.

"I don't know why I'm asking you." He pushed himself off the couch, face grim. Asking Matt for advice had been a terrible idea; how could he even consider breaking up with Sean? He felt guilty for even toying with Matt's suggestion. Matt's awful]/i] suggestion. "When you get a girlfriend maybe you'll understand. It's not that easy."

There were somethings that were just facts of life. One day Matt would realize that he was wrong.

Love wasn't love if it didn't hurt.

OOC: Kayla. this is for you because you demanded it asked so nicely.

More Questions

---

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Uhhh, however I happen to have left them. Sometimes that means closed, sometimes open. I think I usually have them open? I haven't paid that much attention.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? That's theft! I can't believe you would even ask that!

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Uhhh, they start off tucked in, but they don't stay that way....

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Again with the theft, and this time from the government. Have you no shame?

5. Do you like to use post-it notes? Not particularly, no

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? I don't even use coupons.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? To be honest, the bees seem less...lethal

8. Do you have freckles? No

9. Do you always smile for pictures? If I'm sober and realize my picture is being taken.....no.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve? People who don't stop to think about how the labels they use effect other people

11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? ....this never occurred to me, but I guarantee you next time I walk somewhere I will be counting my steps.

12. Have you ever peed in the woods? I don't want to talk about it.

13. What about pooped in the woods? I said I don't want to talk about it

14. Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? But the music was playing in my head.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils? I did when I was in school. Not as much any more.

16. How many people have you slept with this week? One. I am monogamous.

17. What size is your bed? Big enough

18. What is your Song of the week? Oh What a Thrill by The Mavericks. Do I look like I keep up with new music?

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink? There is a social stigma that is rooted in homophobia and misogyny. It's very distressing that our modern society, despite the great strides we've made, is still fighting against hetero- and -cisnormative gender distinctions.

20. Do you still watch cartoons? I do not.

21. Whats your least favorite movie? I...movie....uhhh....I don't watch enough movies to be able to answer this. I'm sure I've seen some awful ones, but I managed to forget I saw them.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Absolutely not, I would distribute it to those in need.

23. What do you drink with dinner? Whatever alcohol is available

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ranch dressing

25. What is your favorite food? Pimento cheese sandwiches

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? To Have and Have Not. Sean knows why.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you? Sean

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Absolutely not, I can't believe you would suggest such a thing >|

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? If it was guaranteed that by doing so world peace would be achieved, absolutely

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I.....that is a very good question. The last time I can remember was several years ago, when Noah had his tonsils out.

31. Can you change the oil on a car? I unfortunately am quite useless when it comes to cars.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? I don't drive, so no!

33. Ran out of gas? See above

34. Favorite kind of sandwich? Pimento cheese

35 Best thing to eat for breakfast? ....what is breakfast again?

36. What is your usual bedtime? Midnight

37. Are you lazy? Excuse me? I expend so much effort trying to improve the rights of my fellow man, I don't have time for petty activities like housework.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Abraham Lincoln

39. What is your Chinese astrological sign? Let me just copy and paste this from the website I looked up just now because I had no idea:

THE METAL RAT 1900 AND 1960
Of all the Rats, these are the toughest and most resolute. They are visionary and possess an emotional intensity that can lead to feelings of rage, envy, or possessiveness. They like to be in charge, and can act selfishly to get what they want. In relationships, business or personal, they can be obstinate. Metal rats have to bear in mind that meeting their partner halfway would help their relationships tremendously. They take great pride in their homes and enjoy decorating them in their impressively good taste.

40. How many languages can you speak? English. A bit of Latin thanks to school, and a bit of Hebrew though I admit to not keeping up with that like I should have. I wish my father had taught me some German.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Newsweek, Mother Jones

42..Which are better legos or lincoln logs? I have no opinion on this hot button issue

43. Are you stubborn? I've been called such on occasion

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Leno, undoubtedly

45. Ever watch soap operas? Umm. no.

46. Afraid of heights? Not particularly, no

47. Sing in the car? It's been known to happen.

48. Dance in the shower? I would slip and break my neck

49. Dance in the car? My use of the seatbelt makes this a bit difficult

50. Ever used a gun? Absolutely not, what do you take me for? Guns should be banned.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? When I graduated Law school, my mother was quite adamant

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Oh, absolutely, but that's what makes them fun.

53. Is Christmas stressful? You know, I am a bit tired of these questions that assume that I celebrate Christmas.

....

But to answer your question, yes, because everyone assumes I celebrate Christmas

54. Ever eat a pierogi? My mother has a wonderful recipe, in fact!

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Keylime

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Journalist, activist, lawyer. Look at that!

57. Do you believe in ghosts? No.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? AHAHAHAHA....yes

59. Take a vitamin daily? No, but maybe I should start.

60. Wear slippers? No, bare feet are fine. Or socks if it is cold.

61. Wear a bath robe? ....don't even own one.

62. What do you wear to bed? Uhhh....my.....boxers.....

63. First concert? Simon and Garfunkel

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? .....................................none, what do I look like!

65. Nike or Adidas? This again? I already said Newbalance

66.Cheetos Or Fritos? Fritos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts

68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? ....no

69. Ever take dance lessons? Never

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? I'm living with a school counselor, that's close enough, right?

71. Can you curl your tongue? Indeed!

72. Ever won a spelling bee? Alas, no

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Once

74. Own any record albums? The Mavericks, The Mamas and the Papas, The Moody Blues...Kate Bush....

75. Own a record player? I do.

76. Regularly burn incense? No, but I have burned a flag or three

77. Ever been in love? -erk- Feelings. Can't deal with...can't....dying...yes, yes, I have, are you satisfied, you can stop prying now.

78. Who would you like to see in concert? Dennis Kucinich or Howard Dean

79. What was the last concert you saw? ....Simon and Garfunkel

80.Hot tea or cold tea? Cold

81.Tea or coffee? Coffee

82. Sugar or snickerdoodles? Snickerdoodles

83.Can you swim well? I can swim tolerably well, don't want to drown if Sean kicks me overboard when we're out sailing.

84.Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Can't everyone?

85. Are you patient? It...depends on the situation. I'm persistent, certainly, but I don't think that's exactly the same.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ

87.Ever won a contest? Yes, I won a design a poster contest in middle school. And there was that time in college with the Radicals...

88. Ever have plastic surgery? No

89. Which are better black or green olives? Green, definitely. Black are rather bland

90.Can you knit or crochet? No

91. Best room for a fireplace? The den, of course

92. Do you want to get married? There are definitely good reasons for it and thiiiiis is a loaded question right now.

93. If married, how long have you been married? N/A

94. Who was your HS crush? Teddy Kennedy. >.><.<

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? ....I....have been accused of this....

96. Do you have kids? No

97. Do you want kids? I can take them or leave them, but I know someone who would like them.

98. Whats your favorite color? Green

99. Do you miss anyone right now? Ha! The person who matters is sitting next to me as I fill this out, so no. Though I do sometimes miss my father

100. Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX? What now?