AU: I'm Sorry, What? (Eli)

[Midori Hawkins]

“Mommy Mommy Mommy!” Thundering footsteps alerted Midori that her six year old was on the loose. She had been attempting to finish up an expense report from her last trip, and Eli had been keeping Tory out of the way. She loved him dearly, but he was not overly helpful when she was trying to work.

“Tory Tory Tory!” She turned away from her paperwork and reached for him. He quickly scrambled up into her lap.

“Guess what!” Tory nuzzled into her neck, temporarily forgetting about his indoor voice. He couldn’t help it. He was excited, because he had good news. He had a habit of asking Eli questions when they were alone, and today he had gotten an unexpected answer that he needed to share with his mother.

“Mnnn you saw a pig fly? Ooor the sky turned green?” She grinned and tickled his sides. Tory squealed and shook his head.

“Nooooo! It’s Eli!” Tory grinned. “He said he loves you!” Midori smiled and hugged him tight.

“Of course. We’re best friends, Tor. We love each other, just like we love you.” Well, sort of. The love she had for Tory was a little different than she had for Eli, but it was love all the same. Tory shook his head vigorously.

“No! Love-love!” Why were grown ups so good at making everything so complicated? Midori just gave him a look and arched an eyebrow.

“Is that what he said? Love-love?” Were they back on the playground? Tory made a little face.

“Kinda. But isn’t that good?” He beamed at her, thrilled to have been able to deliver this kind of news to his mom. Mii… didn’t know what to think of it. She’d spent so long thinking of Eli as her best friend, and that was it. Now Tory was claiming differently. Maybe it was just a runaway imagination. She’d have to approach Eli about it. And… she had no idea how to do that.

“Of course it’s good,” she assured her son before setting him back down on the ground. “But I think we need to have a grown up talk about it.” Well, less talk, more clarifying, because there was no way that Tory had delivered the message accurately. What she didn’t expect was for Tory to take off down the hall again calling Eli’s name. She sighed and looked back at her report. It didn’t look like it was going to be done anytime soon, now.

[Eli Morrison]

Eli had tried to catch Tory as he went tearing down the hall to his mother, but the kid had slipped through his fingers. For a six-year-old, the boy was fast, particularly when he had something important to say.

He sighed and leaned back in his chair, waiting for the inevitable. Sure enough, a minute later, Tory came barreling in and practically jumped into his lap. "Hey, kiddo."

"Mommy wants to have a grown-up talk about you loving her." Tory was so enthusiastic about helping his primary caregivers discuss the undiscussable.

"Okay, Tor. Can you do me a favor and stay in here and watch TV for a little while? So your mom and I can have that grown-up talk." He gave the boy a kiss on the forehead and took a minute to put a national geographic kids dvd on for him, then headed to Mii's office.

"Tory said you want to talk to me. You should know that he was the one who asked me about this first. I didn't start this conversation." Eli didn't talk about the fact that he was in love with his best friend. For years, he had been convinced that he just wasn't wired like that. He had never felt this way about ever before, not even a crush in high school. But he loved Mii, and he didn't even care if she loved him back as anything more than a friend. He was just happy with the way things were.

[Midori Hawkins]

Sure enough, just a few moments after Tory disappeared down the hall, Eli appeared in the office. She chewed on her lip as she watched him approach, knowing full well she had no idea how to even go about this. It didn’t help that Tory probably had some amazing ideas about it. Hopefully Eli had him entertained so that they could actually talk.

“I’m sure you didn’t.” Eli didn’t generally talk about things like feelings. “I’m guessing Tory was playing twenty questions.” She was having a difficult time making eye contact with him. Why had things gotten so weird all of a sudden? This was her best friend.

“Sooo…” She finally looked up at him. “Tory said something interesting to me. That you, quote, ‘love-love’ me.” One eyebrow quirked up slightly. “I’m curious as to what that actually means, or if he’s a terrible messenger.” Which was very possible. “Eli…” She looked at him, curiosity burning in her eyes now. “What did you say to him?” This probably wasn’t the best way to go about things, because it felt like an interrogation. But she needed to know.

[Eli Morrison]

Eli wasn't sure how to discuss this either. His plan had been to just stick to what he'd been doing, being in love with Mii and just being there for her and Tory. He didn't care if she wanted to date someone else; Eli trusted that she would never stop caring for her best friend. Over the past seven years they'd grown even closer, and Tory saw him as a parent.

"Well, like I said, he started it. He was telling me about how his teacher was talking about different kinds of families, and that all types are good if they love and take care of each other." He had never told Mii everything about the family he'd been born into, but she knew enough to never ask about it. He rarely thought of them anymore. Eli had replaced them, anyway.

"I guess he wanted to confirm it, so he asked if I loved you and him, and I said I do. Then he asked if I love you like other kid's fathers love their moms." Eli shrugged, his normally impassive face blushing slightly. "And you know I don't like to lie to him."

[Midori Hawkins]

Midori had never had the slightest clue that Eli could possibly like her in any way, shape, or form beyond the best friend routine they’d settled into since Hammel. They loved each other in a special way, and that was that. Eli was more or less Tory’s father at this point, and she loved him dearly for it.

But beyond a friend? Sure, she’d thought about it now and again, usually when someone pointed out to her that their relationship was... unique. Or when she was being flirted with when she was on her own. She had called Eli a few times to bail her out, but she’d never really thought...

Well. Now she’d have to think about it.

She listened carefully to what he had to say. It made sense. Tory liked to have things clarified at his age, and she was well aware that his family situation wasn’t the norm in his class. His father by blood was always off on one movie set or another, while Eli was a constant in his life, but he wasn’t his father. Well, not according to a piece of paper, at least. But in every other way? He checked all the right boxes.

“I... wow.” Mii set her hands in her lap, her own cheeks tinged pink now. “For... how long? Have you known, I mean.” She had no idea. It wasn’t like she would be opposed to it. It would just be... a change. A big change. She was so used to seeing him as her best friend, and that was it. She’d had no idea that he would ever want to be anything else. He’d never given any indication of it during school with anyone. She glanced up at him, a little smile on her face. “What does this mean, exactly?”

[Eli Morrison]

Eli rubbed the back of his neck, unsure how to respond. It hadn't been sudden. There was no moment where he looked up at her and realized he'd fallen in love. Years of cohabitation and platonic intimacy, and he knew that he couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone except Mii.

He had what he'd never thought he'd get. A real family, who would always support him. Tory was his son, and Mii was... well, his best friend, but more than that.

"I don't know how long. But at least a year, maybe? I love you. I'm in love with you." Eli was glad Tory was in the other room, because he knew he was putting Mii on the spot. But he didn't like lying to her either, and she had asked him specifically.

"And...I know this is sudden and everything. But I don't think it has to change anything. We're already raising Tory together, and I'm happy just being near you. We don't have to date or anything." He didn't like using labels for himself, but he knew if he did, he'd be asexual. Just not as aromantic as he'd thought when he'd been in high school and surrounded by other teenagers with raging hormones. "It doesn't have to change. Your friendship is more important than... romance."

Eli, the man who knew everything, officially had no clue what to say next.

[Midori Hawkins]

Midori, realizing she was starting to stare, dropped her gaze to her hands resting in her lap. She had never thought about Eli like this because they’d always just been best friends. Eli had never been interested in anything, or even anyone else. This was... well, it was confusing. Eli probably had a better word for it, but that was the best she could come up with on her own.

She did look back up when he finally spoke again. Despite trying very hard not to, she found herself blushing again. Eli was in love with her. And she had no idea what to say or do about it. She just looked up at him, cheeks burning.

Sudden was definitely one word for it. Mii finally seemed to come out of her mild catatonic staring fit and frowned slightly. He was in love, yet just happy to be near... wait. She held up her hand to show him she needed a moment before shaking her head. “That’s not fair to you, and you know it.” And the last thing she wanted to do was play unfairly with her best friend. Still. She didn’t know what to do.

Several scenarios were possible, she knew that. Things could stay the same, which she didn’t like only because she viewed it as unfair to Eli. Things could... change, and they could find that it somehow didn’t work. But on the other hand, maybe they could. She wasn’t used to being the analytical one. Even if they tried it, things had the potential to go badly. Or well. She had no idea what to do.

Finally, she just got up off of the office chair to break the massive height different between them and came closer to Eli. “I want you to be happy, Eli. And, umm... if you wanted to try this, I’d... I’d be okay with it.” It would be a change, and possibly a good one, though she was still worried about wrecking her closest friendship.

[Eli Morrison]

"Um, no, Mii. It's not fair to you to bring this up suddenly, which is why I didn't say it before. But I'm not going to lie. You not reciprocating my feelings isn't unfair to me. It just sucks, but it's not like we choose things like this." After all, Mii had been sexually attracted to Darryl. Him being an absent father was unfortunate, but the initial attraction wasn't unfair.

Eli knew he would be a terrible romantic partner. He wasn't even interested in having sex, though objectively he thought that his best friend was quite pretty. The thought of her wanting to attempt a different relationship wasn't even worth considering, so when she said she was willing to try, he didn't understand.

"Um...try what, Mii? I am happy with the way things are. You and Tory are great." The librarian smiled and shrugged slightly.

"You're my family. Like what Tory was talking about. This is the happiest I have ever been." As previously stated, Eli didn't lie to her.

[Midori Hawkins]

Mii looked up at Eli with the same vague disbelief she gave him when something socially awkward came out of his mouth. Granted, that wasn't that often, but still. "You... are ridiculous sometimes. So what if this is a little bit of a shock? That's temporary. You're talking about... well, longer." She didn't want to resort to saying forever, because knowing Eli he would argue that point before going back to the subject at hand. "I don't want things to suck for you." And she didn't. She cared about him.

Which was why she didn't quite understand his confusion for a moment. Her own expression took on a baffled look before her cheeks coloured and she stepped back a bit. Oh. "Ohhh... my gosh. I'm sorry. I didn't think..." What, exactly, she meant by that, she didn't quite know. "You're my family too. Ever since we were kids." She leaned back so that she was almost perching on her desk top. "I just..." She shook her head. "I really feel bad about this. It seems so one-sided. I mean, I love you too. You know that." Just... not like what he seemed to feel. This was confusing. "I have no idea what to do with you sometimes." At least that was said with a smile. "One minute you're my best friend and Tory's psuedo-Dad, and now..." She shrugged, as if trying to express the inexpressible.

[Eli Morrison]

Eli ran his hand through his hair again. Like in some romantic comedy, his confession of love was overshadowed by some big misunderstanding. "Mii, you don't understand. It doesn't suck for me."

His face fell as she rambled on. It was one-sided and he did know she loved him as her friend. That was all he really wanted from her. Even if thought he wanted to kiss her sometimes--a feeling he'd never thought he'd experience--that was all. And since he couldn't satisfy other romantic needs, Eli didn't think a real relationship could work. If he still had her and Tory in his life, and they were happy, that was enough for him. That was all he wanted.

"Please, Mii. Nothing has to change. I want to be your best friend and I want to help you take care of Tory. That's it." He shook his head. He should have just lied to Tory in the first place. Saying that he cared about his best friend would have been just as good, and then Mii wouldn't be questioning his motives.

"If this was something that was killing me, I would have said something. I'm not pining. I just love you and I want you to be happy."

[Midori Hawkins]

Midori didn’t get it. How could this not suck for him? She tried to imagine what it would be like, should their positions be reversed, and she just... didn’t get it. She couldn’t possibly fathom what it was like for him and not having it suck.

And they said women were difficult to understand. Eli needed a manual all by himself.

“If you say so...” That was all he got in terms of a response on whether or not it sucked. Though his expression made her wonder. He had the same hurt puppy expression Tory got when he was denied something he wanted, but knew better not to argue about it. She officially had no idea what was going on in this conversation anymore.

Mii shook her head and sighed. If this continued, they would talk themselves in circles, and Tory would probably come barrelling back in to make sure everyone was still alive. “You’ll always be my best friend, no matter what. You know that.” Even when he decided to confuse the hell out of her. “I just don’t understand you sometimes.” She toyed with the end of her ponytail for a moment, not looking at him. “I’m happy too. I love having you here, and Tory loves you... well, probably more than Darryl. You’re more ‘Dad’ to him than anyone ever will be.” She had no idea why this was relevant anyway. “I just feel like... I don’t know.” She hugged her arms around herself. “I know you say otherwise, but I really can’t see how it doesn’t suck for you.” She wanted Eli happy just like she wanted Tory happy. This seemed counter-productive.

[Eli Morrison]

"Just forget I said anything, Mii." The last thing he wanted was to make her upset, or make her feel guilty. He hesitantly approached her and wrapped his arms around her in a loose hug. He'd become more accustomed to physical comfort as Tory had grown up. Though the little boy usually remembered to ask before hugging him, sometimes he'd forget.

He wanted to kiss her. It would be like one of those sappy movies she liked where the guy kisses the girl and they suddenly both understand each other better and are happy. But that wasn't how it worked in real life. She loved him, but she wasn't in love with him, and kisses wouldn't change that.

"Mii, I have a family that loves me. I can't make you feel the same way about me that I do about you, and I'm not going to try. What we have doesn't suck, so just forget I said anything else. We'll explain to Tory that we all care about each other, because we do." This is why he didn't want to rock the boat by saying anything before. "It's different from...romantic love. But what we have isn't less than it."

[Midori Hawkins]

... Okay, sometimes, for being a genius, Eli said stupid things. That was one of them. “Forget. Right.” How in the hell was she supposed to forget that? And mixed signals were not helping. Eli didn’t hug often, but when he did, she knew he meant it. He’d had to endure a lot of them during her pregnancy, especially after Darryl had said some asinine things to her. But this was different. Much as she might have wanted to hold him at bay until they got this figured out, she instead found herself in his arms, and hugging him back. He was always so warm. Why was it he could make her feel better with just one hug?

Funny. A kiss might have helped the situation. Instead she just stayed in the embrace, her forehead resting against his shoulder. Why did life have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t Eli just stay her best friend, and not have said any of this? Or... no. He already said no. He didn’t want that. Yet he was in love with her... ugh. Why did he have to be so complicated?

“I know you do.” She was mostly frustrated at his unwillingness to even try. Her friends had asked her before why they weren’t together together. They lived together, Eli helped with Tory. For most people it would be natural, really. Between the confusion and frustration, Mii was still tempted to push Eli away from her. But he was so warm, and she was comfortable like this. But he was still trying so hard to justify all this... mess. She didn’t really want to listen anymore, because it was getting them nowhere. “Eli. Shut up.”

She really didn’t know what motivated her sometimes. Perhaps it was just the frustration with him admitting this and then not wanting to do anything about it. Or maybe it was because, just like her friends had always said, he was attractive. Whatever it was, she pulled away from him just enough to rise onto her toes and kissed him very softly. Worst case scenario, she wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye for the next few days, and they’d eventually have to admit it happened after a few days of ignoring it. Best case scenario? ... She had no idea. She blinked and let go of him, letting him process what had just happened. ... Hell, she needed to process it herself. “Um. Sorry. I don’t... I have no idea where that came from.”

[Eli Morrison]

Of course Eli was unwilling to try a romantic relationship. He knew nothing about maintaining them, and he didn't want to risk throwing what they did have into jeopardy because of it. (Also, he was convinced that there was no way Mii saw him the same way. He believed she thought of him in similar terms as she thought of her brothers. Or at least Corbin. Zachary, on the other hand...)

When she started pulling away, Eli dropped his arms. Okay, so hugging her probably wasn't the right action at the moment, but they'd had platonic hugs before, and always in moments like this: when someone needed emotional support.

And then Mii kissed him.

For a moment, Eli froze, and that moment was long enough for Mii to pull away. It was also long enough for him to finally consider that maybe he wasn't like her brothers. If there was a part of her that wanted to kiss him, then maybe he had a shot.

The recruiter might not have known where her kiss came from, but Eli hoped it came from the same place that made him wrap his arms around her again and pull her close so he could kiss her back. He closed his eyes, and the thought that Mii's sappy romance movies weren't so bad after all flashed through his head.

Finally, after a minute, he pulled away slightly. He didn't know what to say. "Mii..."

[Midori Hawkins]

Eli had been a lot of things over the years Midori had known him. Everything from a friend, to a little brother, to her main support system when she'd been pregnant. For the longest time, he had been secure in his post as her best friend. No, it wasn't quite like her relationship with Corbin. It was different, and in a good way. Different how, she wasn't quite sure.

Well. Now she was really unsure.

She was used to Eli freezing after certain forms of contact. But this... this was different. He looked like a deer in the headlights and she felt terrible for a moment. If she had just officially ruined their friendship, she wouldn't know what she would do. She couldn't imagine her life without Eli in it, let alone Tory's. She didn't know what to do except apologize, and -

And he was kissing her. She was shocked. Eli did not kiss. She'd never known him to even want to try, and she'd long since gotten used to that fact. He wasn't interested in girlfriends, or boyfriends in that matter. He just... wasn't interested.

Or was he?

It took her a moment to regain her sense and return the kiss, but it seemed too late as he pulled away. She blinked and looked up at him, unsure of what had just happened. "Um. Wow." She didn't know what to say either. This was just... well... wow. She had not expected that. "You... you're good at that." No, that was not what she really wanted to say, but it slipped out anyway. Blame shock. Still. Why had that felt so... right?