Under Water (Adaryn)

[Travis Morgan]

It had been at least three hours since AJ left his dorm.

He wasn't feeling any better.

Travis had spent thirty minutes sobbing before he grabbed his sketchbook and started scribbling. By the time he pulled his phone from his pocket to text Adaryn, he was sitting on the stairs that lead up to the next floor of dorms. Leaning against the wall. Sketchbook open next to him. Graphite smudged all over his hands and across his face.

"Hey" He typed into his phone with a dry sort of smile on his lips. Travis leaned his head back against the wall and let it roll to the side. "I think I need help..." He sent the message, and dropped his phone on the stair next to him.

This was an interesting feeling. A cynical kind of experience. He found it both humorous and horribly depressing at the same time. He felt a little bit crazy. Like that night he'd been hospitalized.. but more calm.

[Adaryn Breslin]

6:30 PM

New Message
Travis

Hey. I think I need help....

Adaryn was supposed to be studying, but she found herself staring blankly at an open text book, her mind going crazy with several different emotions. She didn't understand why she could feel the emotions all around her, even though she was in a concrete room, but there was no escaping it. Her concentration was shot and the words began to mix on the page, until they seemed like nothing more than gibberish.

The text was a distraction, one she was grateful for, even though it did not seem very good. She picked up her own phone and texted him back.

What's wrong? Where are you?

Her finger hit send just as she reached over to slam her book shut. Sliding out of her chair, she collected her essentials. Her tote bag held her sketch book, her phone charger, and a pack of gum. She was simplistic in needs, and despite the fact that she was probably not going to need these things, she brought them pretty much everywhere.

Now all that is left is from the text back from Travis. Hopefully he was relatively okay.

[Travis Morgan]

Travis picked up his phone and read Adaryn's message. What was wrong? "Heh," he breathed a short laugh. How did he explain what was wrong. I am currently descending into madness, and I'm not sure I care. No, that was too dramatic. Exactly what did he need help with again? He was feeling generally destructive in a I-don't-give-a-fuck sort of way.. and to be perfectly honest, it felt good.

Why was he asking for help? This was sort of awesome. This feeling was getting stronger at an alarming rate. In that first text he had been so clear that he was in a bad place, but now.. the sensation of apathy was almost overwhelming. He never felt like he just didn't give a shit about anything. He never felt like saying screw the world, I'm gonna' do what I want-- oh, right. He never felt like that.

"I'm on the stairs. Pretty sure I did something stupid." Travis sent the text and laughed again, dragging his fingers across his face and leaving fresh smudges of graphite.

[Adaryn Breslin]

6:32

New Message
Travis

I'm on the stairs. Pretty sure I did something stupid.

Oh god, that didn't sound good. But how was she to consider her a friend if she didn't go over there? She could stay in her dorm and slowly go mad with the lack of progress she was making in her studies, or she could attempt to help out Travis who seemed to be in some sort of mental state. Which, she wasn't sure. It could be an upset, depressed, or even angry state of mind that he was sporting, but until she got there, she wouldn't know.

With a deep breath, she slid up her phone and keyed in the reply: Stay right there, I'm on my way. See you in a few.

Adaryn didn't take another moment's hesitation before walking out of the door, trying mentally prepare herself for whatever was to come.

[Travis Morgan]

Travis glanced over at his phone and laboriously lifted his arm to pick it up. She was on her way. He dropped the phone again, not caring that it clattered loudly against the stair. His eyes tightened slightly, and he looked down the hall, considering running off.

The part of him that wanted to self destruct was fighting hard for the win. I bet raising hell is fun. I could go out. I never go out. I could climb some street lights, break some shit... Travis smiled and stared at the ceiling. The responsible part of wouldn't let him get up.

You're going to regret that in the morning and you know it. Don't do something stupid. Wait. Just wait. She'll come. Travis let out a long sigh and dropped his gaze to the open sketchbook next to him. He stared at the page, his current state making the drawing feel much deeper than it was. Mmm, but nothing really matters anyway. We're all dead in the end, right? Why does it matter what I do now?

Travis sat up, shifting his gaze to the end of his shoe. You shouldn't. You really shouldn't. A smirk settled across his lips and he murmured quietly, "what're you, my mother?"

[Adaryn Breslin]

Adaryn was prepared for anything that was going to hit her. Well. Except for this. The feeling of depression hit her even before she actually got to the staircase, and it was nauseating. She could feel the ribbons trying to reach into her mind, and for a second, she almost let it. In that brief moment that the depression entered, she had gotten the gist of what Travis was feeling, even from where she stood. It was agonizing emotional pain, mixed with some guilt, and...madness. How did...? Addie couldn't even finish that thought. She didn't want to know.

Even so, Adaryn was not leaving Travis there to suffer. That was suicidal depression, and she could never forgive herself if she let him die, too. It would be just as bad as her handing him a knife and daring him to stab himself. Addie already lost one person to suicide, she was not losing another. With a deep breath, she continued on the path, allowing the growing depression to lead herself to him.

If she thought it was bad back where she had first experienced it, this was excruciating. Even with her mental block up, it was hard to keep the prodding depression out of her head. The room was a circulating dark blue mass, opaque, and incredibly close to forming a being. She could feel it attempting to take form of something, but just as the arms connected, it shattered. Good. Addie still had time.

"Travis," She said cautiously, taking a seat next to him. "Travis, what's going on. You're surrounded by depression."

[Travis Morgan]

Travis looked up at Adaryn and leaned back against the wall again. "I know," he said with a wide, sort of creepy, grin, "isn't it fun. I think I could do anything right now! I just don't care-- and I can't feel you at all right now. That's facinating!" Travis laughed and covered his face, curling into himself.

After a short moment he suddenly moved again, grabbing his open sketchbook and facing it toward Adaryn:

"I drew something," he said, peering at Adaryn over the top of his book. "it's crap, but that doesn't really matter, does it?"

Travis wanted two completely different things. He wanted to stop feeling like this, because the depression was overwhelming, and sickening, and almost physically painful. But he also wanted to hold onto it. For once in his life he wasn't so self conscious that he could barely function. He wasn't feeling the crushing insecurity. He just did not care. Not about himself, and not about anyone else. The part of him that wanted to hold onto this pain wouldn't let him communicate clearly, but he could show her his drawing and hope that somehow she would know not to listen to a damn word that came out his mouth. Because right now he might say something stupid, or hurtful, or downright frightening. Just because.

[Adaryn Breslin]

Adaryn stiffened.

Those words. The manic laughter. The depression. All of it combined brought one word, or rather name, to her tongue. Louise.

Louise was Adaryn's eldest sister who had died when she was 14. Her sister had been incredibly bi-polar, having such bad manic episodes whenever she did not take her medicine, which was quite often. Adaryn would usually take most of the blow, since her manic episodes ranged from intense delight to brutal anger. If it wasn't hateful words being spat out at her, it was the overwhelming emotions that did the trick.

Adaryn continued to have flashbacks of the day before Louise died, and it hurt as if the memory was fresh. She had just dealt with this in the dream that Monroe had showed up in, why did she have to deal with it now? She almost wanted to run away, but when Travis showed her his drawing, she looked him straight in the eyes and shook her head. "No." She said firmly, "No. You're not dead yet, and you won't be. You're staying here, dammit." It wasn't like Addie at all to make eye contact, and it also wasn't typical of her to be so firm and have an authoritative tone. She was soft spoken and constantly allowed her voice to be carried away in the sea of people. But not this time. She already lost a sibling because of this. She was not allowing Travis to succumb to the same fate.

Travis' blonde hair was disheveled, his eyes red and puffy from recently shed tears, and his body was covered in the lead of a pencil. He was in pain, and it was obvious, not just because he was sitting there with depression practically suffocating him, but because his blue eyes were completely void of life. That only happened when you were overwhelmed and your only escape is to shut down.

"Travis," She spoke softly, trying to fight off the growing headache and the swirling mass of depression around her. The mental block she was holding was not going to hold much longer. "Travis, I'm not going to ask you what happened just yet, but let me... Let me get rid of this for you. Please."

Adaryn wasn't going to take no for an answer though, so she wasted no time in starting the process of trying to remove the depression. But with her mental block up, the swirling mass of depression, and the fact that she had a growing headache, Adaryn didn't know how easy it would be to grasp onto the emotion. If he resisted, she would have no chance.

Her mind grasped a strand in his head and began to pull.

[Travis Morgan]

"I'm sure that's what I called you for," Travis said, lowering his book with a sarcastic expression, "but I have a better idea." He smirked and rose one brow, leaning forward. "Lets go do something. Lets break shit-- lets be loud for once in our lives! C'mon, it'll be fun! I know you never do anything exciting. You're like me: boring and afraid of everything. Aren't you sick of doing nothing?" Travis' expression went dark. He could feel the energy moving. Feel Adaryn trying to pull the storm clouds out of his mind.

He fell back against the wall again, crossing his arms over his chest and looking away from Adaryn. Brow furrowed. Frowning. He knew they weren't going to do anything. He was going to sit here and let her screw around with his energy until he was back to his usual, self conscious, awkward, walk-all-over-me self.

Yay.

Travis closed his eyes against the sensation. It was like walking backwards. He could feel the manic hysteria slipping slowly away, revealing the layer underneath that it'd been protecting him from. Pain. Despair. Shame. Everything he'd absorbed from AJ, snowballing out of control, spurred on by his own insecurities.

[Adaryn Breslin]

Those words he spoke, well, they hurt her much more than he probably anticipated. He didn't know the slightest thing about why she was the way she was. Years of her life Adaryn spent being a happy child, giggling every chance she got and never had a problem with being with people. But then it all changed when she manifested and it went into an even further pit when her sister died. He had no idea what she was, and for a second, a fleeting thought ran through her mind. Maybe she didn't want him to know.

Adaryn almost stopped what she was doing and left him there, but she knew that if she left this depression now, it was still strong enough to overtake him and cause him to do harm to himself, and despite the fact that she was now ready to cry, she continued. And she only did so because she was attempting to convince herself that it was the depression that was talking, not Travis.

Slowly she felt it fade away, but it did give up a tough fight. She had to constantly have to find her grip once more because it would pull away, but eventually she weakened it so much that it stopped resisting, and the rest just melted away.

Finally, when the swirling blue mass was gone, she turned to Travis, her eyes filled with their own pain now. "There. Done. Now you can go be boring and be afraid of everything again. Aren't you happy?" Sarcasm dripped dangerously from her tone, and she moved herself to the far wall, looking down at her hands.

Why she was acting like this? Adaryn was quite good at holding a grudge, but so far Travis had been nothing but kind to her. And now she was probably making him feel even worse, which was counterproductive, to say the least. But she didn't care. Cause she was boring and never did anything exciting.

[Travis Morgan]

Slowly it all ebbed away. He could feel the darkness lifting, and gradually his mind cleared. He couldn't really remember now what he'd said to her. He just remembered feeling.. mean. Really mean. Not like himself. At all. He remembered the complete lack of empathy, and the strong desire to do horrible things. Travis was sure he'd said something terrible to Adaryn just now, but the whole thing was a haze of depression and psychosis.

"There. Done. Now you can go be boring and be afraid of everything again. Aren't you happy?"

Travis glanced at Adaryn, then covered his face with his hands and sighed. Shit. Shitshitshit! He had said something mean to her. Why did he get so mean when this happened? The same thing happened that time he was hospitalized.. He couldn't remember exactly, but it had involved a nurse.. or a therapist..? He was explaining what he thought was happening to him, and he'd made some accurate, pointed, and pretty nasty insinuations about the woman's home life based on her emotions (and some other contextual things). But he couldn't remember what he'd said to her. He just remembered not caring about her feelings. He remembered wanting her to be scared.

Travis looked up after a moment, and moved gently toward Adaryn. He could feel her again. He was still tired and drained from what he'd just been through, but he knew he had to make this better.

"Adaryn, I'm really sorry," he said gently, moving as close to her as she was comfortable with. "I don't know what I said to you, but please.. please believe me. I didn't mean any of it." Travis pressed his lips together in a subtle grimace, noticing that he'd probably hurt her with more than his words. He'd called her because he knew she could help him, but now he regretted putting her in contact with his toxic energy.

[Adaryn Breslin]

I didn't mean any of it.

Lies. He did mean it, although he may not have meant it maliciously, he did mean those words. Why? Because quite simply, they were true. Adaryn was always so scared to do anything with her life, to hurt feelings, and just put herself out there. She was boring, always hiding in her room or staying away from others.

If she could back away, Adaryn would have, but her back was pressed firmly against the concrete wall behind her. There was nowhere to go except for up or down the stairs, but for some reason, she stayed where she was. Maybe she wanted to hear him apologize, but there was a slim chance she would forgive him.

"No, you have to have meant it since it is true. I am boring and I am so afraid to go out into this world that I hide behind my own depression and my sketchbook."

After that, no words came. She simply stared at her hands and played with her thumbs, trying to avoid eye contact.

[Travis Morgan]

"No, Adaryn, please," Travis begged, "I'm sorry. I didn't--" He huffed. His thoughts were all a jumble and it took him a second to figure out what he was trying to say. "Those aren't things I think about you, they're things I think about myself. I was just-- I don't know. I don't remember, but I'm so sorry. Adaryn, you're amazing. You really are. You-- the last time this happened I had to go to the hospital, and you just fixed it. Just like that. You're extraordinary, and I am so thankful that you're here right now."

Travis chewed the inside of his lip. He was saying anything he could think of to make this better. He didn't want her forgiveness right now. He didn't feel like he deserved it. What he wanted, more than anything was to undo the hurt he'd caused. Travis might never forgive himself if he singlehandedly sent Adaryn into a downward spiral.

"I don't think your boring. I swear. I know that, like.. I just met you, but I think you're wonderful. I wouldn't have asked for your help if I didn't think that."

[Adaryn Breslin]

Wonderful...

If she was so wonderful, then why did her mother hate her? Why did she kill her sister? Why wasn't she allowed to see Carly, no matter how much she begged. All she did was cause pain and grief. And she was doing the exact same thing now. Addie was sitting there watching Travis progressively get more upset because she didn't believe him. There was a strong headache forming, possibly from the guilt and the heavy emotion she just got rid of, but she tried to shove it away. Travis didn't deserve this. He asked for her help, and this was not helping.

Adaryn grabbed onto her guilt and depression and shoved the two emotions as best she could, which caused the headache to worsen, but it was better than letting Travis know what she really felt. "It's okay," She said suddenly, her eyes catching Travis'. Of course, it wasn't okay. But with her emotions practically non-existent, there was no way he could tell she was lying. "I know it was the depression talking, and I promise it's fine, Travis."

She supposed it was better this way, hiding her emotions. He had once said he couldn't tell her emotions regardless, since it felt like static, which was good. But she didn't know how well it would have worked when she was ready to burst into tears. Now she just felt... nothing.

No wonder her parents thought she was bipolar.

[Travis Morgan]

Travis pulled his head back when she suddenly said everything was fine. He didn't believe her, even though she was all static again. But she could do that. She could hide from him. For a moment he had been able to feel her, but now she was putting up walls again.

Clearly, she wanted him to believe that she was alright. Travis didn't know what to do. He could tell she was lying to him, but pressing the issue seemed like a bad idea. Without being able to even sense her emotions, he didn't know how to procede. Did she want to be left alone? Did she want him to stay? Did she actually want him to call out her lie, and convince her beyond a shadow of a doubt that her existence had value? Because he would.

He would drag himself back into the dark place in a second if it would help. It wouldn't, he knew. She would just have to drag him back up again, and he could tell that was hard on her. So.. he was just going to go with it. "Okay," he said slowly, not trying even a little bit to hide how he felt right now.

He wanted her to know that he didn't believe her, and that he was still concerned about what just happened.. but also that he wasn't going to harass her about it. "Um, I'm sorry anyway.. I.. I know that what you did for me took a lot of energy... Do you need anything? I can.. I can go buy, um.. chocolate, or coffee.. or tea? Anything you need.."