Going Through the Motions (Alex)

[Rowan Booker]

((OOC: I imagine Rowan would have probably choreographed stuff to this song as a duet just for fun to show people on the dance team or the House, so he'd be practicing without a partner. I imagine Alex walking in at about 1:53))


Dancing was a good way to get emotions out in the open. It was his way of opening up and expressing himself because everyone seemed to think that he didn't feel. Granted, that was the image he wanted, but that didn't make it true. He felt. With all of his heart, he felt pain and love and sorrow and guilt. He felt it all, it was just a matter of expressing that he had trouble with. His way of expression was through his love of dance, finding a song and choreographing something beautiful out of it. He'd been working for months on this song for the dance recital that always happened. He was still in the process of finding a partner, but he was more than sure that he'd probably snatch up Callie for it because she was the best they had. And they were experienced when dancing with each other.

He needed to get the timing down before he could teach her though and for that, he was doing it on his own. It helped that he was stressed out because this way he could just let it all go. He could get over all of the bull shit and go back to not giving two fucks about anyone besides those who deserved it. His cousin, his best friend and his two other favorite girls, hell even Liv. They deserved what they saw from Rowan, douchey as he could be, he wasn't a bad guy and all he cared about was for them to know that. If no one else did, that was their problem.

It was his problem. 

Rowan had been neglecting thoughts about him ever since he spoke with Lucy. Sure, he'd been in the wrong by saying those last words to the brunette, but that was what happened when he was filter-less, drunk, and felt threatened. Clearly he didn't take things too hard when Rowan decided to put distance between them. Going after someone that Rowan slept with, what reaction was he expecting from Rowan? Probably silence because that had been all that was given previously. But that wasn't Rowan's fault. This wasn't his fault! 

The music began and Rowan, dressed in nothing other than baggy, gray sweatpants, went through the motions, allowing his anger and frustration to add passion to the dance. A sort of intensity. 

[Alexander Rothwell]

Things had been cold Alex ever since the Halloween dance, which had been utterly destroyed for him. He had gone with Ryder as a fun way to get his mind off his crush, who ignored him ever since their little night where he got the raccoon eyes make-up off of him. Alex already knew he was a target, but he really didn't know how big that neon sign Oriel had pointed out was until Rowan and Lucy stumbled up to him and his date drunk off their asses. The first words that came out of Rowan's mouth was, of course, an insult. And things only devolved from there. The last comment made by Rowan had been the hardest for him to swallow. He had never been so frustrated and enraged in his life, not ever since he was young.



With the night ruined, the typically light hearted teen had made a quick exit back to his dorm, where he shucked away his now wasted costume gift and curled up in a bed. From there insults where thrown by a still drunk roommate. It was all to much, and Alex was still feeling the aftershocks of that encounter even now. The once ok relationship between him and Lucy had turned tense, at least for him. It was better to ignore the fact that she existed, other than the rare occasion of leaving a note somewhere where she would find it if he needed something. As for him and Rowan? He hadn't talked to the guy in around a month, going out of his way to avoid him in every context, from staying school nights in town with Hay-lin to sitting in the courtyard for over an hour until he was sure Rowan was gone from his dorm.



It really nagged at his mind, how something as disappointing, but not at all bad, as Rowan simply avoiding him after they had cuddled had turned into such a big crashing plane, on fire. Well, it had stopped spiraling for a while, at least, now it was just dull metal pasted onto the earth and it was good for it to stay that way. The poor kid just didn't get why he made such good prey for other people. He couldn't have peace in his dorm, the pond, or even in class sometimes. High school sucked, this school sucked.


Those thoughts and several like it swam through his head and wouldn't leave him alone. He would have to text one of his roommates before heading back to his dorm to see if Rowan was around, if he was he would be out here for a few more hours. Fortunately, he could hold off on that because he actually had a place to be. The lost and found box was an interesting little dinky thing usually kept at the auditorium and he had a mission to see if he could find something specific inside. It belonged to the costume from the Halloween dance, the one his ex-foster parents had made him and mailed to him from New York. Just a small leather bracelet that probably didn't mean a lot to anyone, but it did still mean something to him. It was something he could wear outside of looking like a dashing archer anyway. A small smile spread across his lips at the memory of him in the costume, if only he hadn't been bothered. 

The music was what had hit him first when he entered the main auditorium. The person dancing to it hit him about the time he peeled his eyes off of his phone and was in the middle of the room. It was him, the guy he had been avoiding for a near month now was right there on the stage. He had no idea if he had been seen, but the teen quickly pulled gaping mouth into an icy line, turned, and started heading toward the exit. 

[Rowan Booker]

Rowan had nailed the final move that he'd been working over and over in his mind and just as he landed the last spin, his eyes caught movement. He looked up to find a retreating back, and sadly, he already knew who it was. All prior thought of screw him and feelings didn't matter had vanished and all of the thoughts of the brunette curled up against him, squeezing his fingers and kissing him came back. It was like a kick right to the stomach. All of those flashes and memories, he wished he could just cut them off, but he imagined it was much like the retrocog's ability and he couldn't stop it.

He couldn't let Alex just walk away though. Memories of the dance sprang forth towards his mind this time and though they were a little foggy, he still saw them clear enough for it to hurt. The image of Ryder and Alex together. Alex's face when he saw Rowan. And when Rowan spoke...and then when he ruined everything. God, he had been so stupid to say such a harsh thing towards Alex. Sure, he was angry and jealous as all hell, but he should have taken it out on Ryder, not Alex. He didn't give a fuck about the other guy, he was pointless. Insignificant. But Alex...he was so much more and Rowan hated it.

Before he let Alex get too far, he scrambled off the stage and jogged to catch up with the younger boy. His arm reached out and he caught Alex by the hand, wincing at the familiar and welcome feeling that was most certainly unwelcome. He frowned, "Alex, wait. Please. I promise I'm not here to make things worse or to make you mad. I just want to apologize. Please just give me the chance to do that." Because he wasn't sure he could go on with Alex hating him for something he never meant to say.

[Alexander Rothwell]

All he could hear were his own footsteps and breathing as he walked away. The energy from the day seemed to melt out of him as he remembered the Halloween dance yet again. Memories for retrocogs, at least for Alex, felt a lot more real sometimes. They had too, to filter out all of the things that didn't actually belong to him. Harsh words had been tossed his way, things that he couldn't even get a break from in the shelter of his own dorm. Alex just didn't get what made him such a target, was he too innocent? Too nice? Was it the sunglasses he commonly wore because of his headaches? The teen really had no idea. 

What alarmed him more than anything though was the hand that gripped his. Rowan's strength and solid form easily kept him from walking any further, forcing him to stop. His words flew out of his mouth before Alex even considered turning around. Words hurt, and some more than others. But then his talk with Lucy only a day or two ago nagged at him. The way the Australian strung her words together, and the memory of what they had said kept him from trying to walk away, but he did pull his hand away from Rowan. "You're sorry?" Alex asked, turning around to face Rowan. He forgot that the guy in front of him was taller, how could he forget that. Heat rose in his cheeks as he looked up toward Rowan's face. "You come into the dance acting like a jealous brat after you ignore me." He wasn't trying to get worked up, this wasn't who he was. Confrontation was something he avoided and he already wanted to crawl out of his skin. Instead he kept his tone dangerously calm, almost thoughtful, like he were talking to himself instead of Rowan. 

"Funny." He wanted to curl up and cry again. The teen just couldn't do this right now, emotions welled up inside of him and threatened to break through and cause his voice to falter. He had to get out of here, so without another word he turned and attempted to leave again. 

[Rowan Booker]

As Alex yanked his hand away, Rowan's heart sank a little bit. This wasn't going to be very easy, not that he expected it to be. Alex had every right to be pissed at him, to hate him, but he didn't want the younger boy to hate him. He had enough people pissed off at him for the choices he'd made, the words he'd said. The difference was that none of those people held any significance to Rowan and he had meant all of those harsh words he'd said to them. He had been completely sober in all of those cases. In Alex's case, he'd been drunk, he'd been jealous and he'd been confused.

That was what Alexander didn't understand. Outside of the jealousy and the drunken stupor, Rowan was so painfully confused that he didn't know what he was doing and he didn't know what he was feeling. It scared him, more than it would have if it was anyone else in his position. Another part of Rowan's psych that no one understood, hardly even Lucy got it because though he'd hinted at his past, he hadn't told her exactly what happened. He didn't think he'd have to for her to understand at least a little bit of why he was the way he was.

"Alex please, I'm trying. You're right, I was jealous, I was being childish. I was also drunk and I say stupid things when I'm drunk," He tried explaining, but he was tripping over his words and he knew that it was only a matter of time before Alex slipped out of his grasp and away from him. The younger boy tried turning away again and he got about a step before Rowan could hook an arm around his waist and pull him back, "No. Please I just need you to hear me out, then you can hate me and leave, just please listen to me...I...I'm trying so hard," He stuttered in frustration and pain.

Rowan dropped his arm from Alex's waist and shoved his hands in his pockets because he felt more vulnerable now than he had even when Alex got to him the first time. "You wanna know why I said it? Why I targeted the fact that you don't like to be touched? Because I can relate, maybe not for the same reason, but being touched intimately...the hugging, the hand-holding, stuff like that bothers me on a very strong level, Alex. And for you to break through that part of me without me freaking out more...it scared the hell out of me."

[Alexander Rothwell]

Rowan again spoke, his words stumbling out over themselves in a rushed cascade of confusion and urgency. Of course Alex wasn't really picking up on any of that, all he was focused on was escaping the situation. The teen felt like he wanted to crawl out of his skin, all of this felt like the beginnings of a bad confrontation and Alex didn't want to have anything blow back onto him. He had managed to turn around successfully enough, anything to escape the boy's stare, and yet as he found himself taking a step in the right direction, a arm hooked around his waist and stopped him completely. The teen would have liked to admit that it was hard for Rowan to turn him back around to face him, but the way he simply turned him like he was a rag doll almost brought frustrated tears to his eyes. 

The words that came out next left him in yet another level of confusion and disarray, why now, why here? What was so different from the first night he had insulted him? It literally drove him crazy, the way Rowan continued to hold onto him as he had spoke, yet when he had pulled his arm away Alex couldn't shake the feeling that his waist felt a bit bare. The explanation that was offered up from Rowan next brought yet another level of mixed feelings and confusion. He can relate? That part stung him more than it helped to clarify. Emotions, memories, all the things that he hadn't wanted to show up now of all times started to creep up. His eyes felt hot, and he knew that tears might come soon if he didn't leave. "Don't tell me you can relate to me." Was all he could manage, his words stuttering out as he tried to regain his composure. 

[Rowan Booker]

The more Alex stayed silent, the more Rowan felt his walls building up again. He had just laid out something extremely personal in front of Alex and what did the younger boy end up doing? He just stood there and got defensive because apparently being able to relate was a bad thing. Pardon him for going through something that screwed up his psych in a way that he never expected. No, his story wasn't as harsh as Alex's, but that didn't mean he wasn't fucked up in his own way. All he could do in response was stare back at Alex like he'd been punched in the stomach. Why did he try? Why did he let this boy get to him when clearly there was nothing there on his side of things. What had he done? Other than go out with another guy? At least Rowan hadn't gone whoring around and spent the dance with his best friend.

Rowan felt his hands clench in his pockets and he took a shaky breath in, that stinging feeling beneath his eyes was the clue that he had to leave. He couldn't do this. He was sick of being seen as this horrible person and then not given a fair chance to apologize. He bit down on his lower lip hard to keep the tears at bay. "Fine, fuck it. You know you're not the only fucking person that had a rough past! But whatever you don't care about anyone but yourself, and people say I'm the god-damn bad guy." He laughed bitterly and brushed past Alex towards the exit. He wasn't letting Alex walk away this time, he didn't deserve that right.

As soon as he was out of sight he could feel the warm, salty tears build up and spill over. His mother was right. It was best to just push away the feelings. Lust before love. That was the family motto right?

[Alexander Rothwell]

Alex was frustrated, he was more than frustrated, he was legitimately, angry. He hadn't felt that way in a long while, and it took a lot to get him to that point. This wasn't even one of the worst things that could bring out negative emotion, it was just the way that things had panned out. The teen had showed up at Rowan's room, just needing to get a little make up off of his face. The night ended with cuddling, and kissing, something he hadn't really ever experienced before, and had desperately wanted to experience again. The problem was that the day after, he was completely shut down by Rowan. That level of ignoring had continued on for a month until the Halloween dance, where Rowan had completely insulted him and embarrassed him in front of a blind date that he could have connected with. He wasn't sure what hurt more, the fact that he had been ignored for so long, or insulted quickly after in short order.



He could tell what he was doing, icing the lines and burning bridges. It wasn't the best way to deal with things but when you run away from conflict like he did, all of the time, it was already obvious that he took the cowards approach. Yet, the look on Rowan's face, the rush of emotion that twisted something nice into something hurting And when he spoke, all that hurt rolled out and surrounded Alex, swallowing him. Once upon a time, he had been like that, alone, struggling over things he didn't understand. It hurt, when you had things pent up inside, especially when you never got support like he had gotten later on. His life now was a stark contrast to what it had been, but the pain still stayed inside.



The way Rowan brushed passed him and started walking away drove him to a crossroads. He could run away again, or he could give something up and swallow the hurt. Rowan rounded a corner, and Alex felt his throat constricting as he started speaking. "I... got hit as a kid... a lot.. that is why I flinch!" It was the only way he could say it, his voice cracking at every pause. If Rowan had heard him, he wouldn't know. It had taken a lot to say that, and the teen forced himself into one of the random folding chairs commonly found sitting out in the auditorium. He shoulders tensed and he hunched over, staring at the ground. Memories hurt, this situation hurt. Tears welled up in his eyes and they fell freely to the floor.

[Rowan Booker]

Rowan had no intention of going back. If that's what Alex wanted, fine. He could go on hating him for something he didn't understand. He was no better than anyone else thinking that the aerokinetic was just some playboy that screwed around for fun. Of course that's what everyone believed because that's what he wanted them to believe. But wasn't Alex supposed to be different? Wasn't that why he even allowed for anything to happen between them? After all, it wasn't like Rowan pushed him for sex, so clearly he hadn't gotten anything out of it. Well...except for these damn feelings that he didn't even want to have!

His hands gripped his hair as he walked away and he almost let out a frustrated scream, but he just let his arms drop and hang at his sides in defeat. This was what he got for letting someone too close and tried distancing himself. He should have known that this was what would come from it. He wasn't a relationship guy. He didn't do relationship stuff. Part of him wanted to, but at the same time every fiber of his being was pushing against it. The tears slipped down his face and he just left them there, he didn't care anymore. If anyone gave him grief for it, well, he'd have a few choice words with them.

Just as he rounded a corner he heard Alex's voice and he stopped abruptly. The words that he caught caused him to gasp and he shook his head. Of course...of all the things for Rowan to call him out on it had to be that. He hesitated briefly before turning around and walking back to the auditorium. Seeing Alex in one of the chairs, slumped in the same way that Rowan felt, he knelt beside him, facing towards the younger boy. Chewing on his lower lip, he sighed and ran his hand through his hair, "Alex...I...you ..you didn't deserve that...any of it. And I only said those things at the dance because I didn't know any better and because I wanted to hurt you in the way that I felt hurt. I didn't know the extent of it though, I just called you out on that because I noticed it and I know how much it bothers me when people call me out on it when I flinch."

He sighed, "It's not for the same reason, no. I mean, no one ever beat me or anything, but..." Rowan gulped and clenched his jaw. Eleven years and he hadn't told anyone, yet here he was about to tell a boy that already had such a strong hold on him. "I don't like being touched because when I was five, I walked in on my mother cheating on my dad and all of that intimate touching...it just makes me think of how she did that to him. It feels wrong to me because in my mind it resembles something not right." He wasn't making any sense and it frustrated him to no end. Why was it so difficult for him to admit this? "That's why I'm so shut off from feeling anything and that's why I ignored you after that day...you scared me because you got so close.."

[Alexander Rothwell]

Alex sat with his head lowered and his gaze focused between his shoes. That chance meeting had turned into a huge blow out, and now he was just sitting here, crying. The teen caught a whimper in his throat before it could escape, the frustration and anxiety of the fight seemed to mix and fuel memories tossed up by what he had just admitted out loud. It sucked, the memories sucked and the fact that he had argued with Rowan sucked. He felt terrible, and didn't really notice Rowan until the teen was kneeling in front of where he sat. Alex whipped at his eyes, already aware that they were going to be red and puffy.

Rowan spoke quickly, obviously drawn back by what Alex had admitted, and offered up some things to make the teen feel better. It was no big revelation to Alex, being told he didn't deserve what he got as a kid, but it was the past and words didn't do much. Despite that, Alex felt himself relaxing in his seat, he still felt like throwing up, but having him around made him feel better than he would have been alone. The weird contradiction flew over his mind as Rowan paused. 

When he spoke again, he started explaining his side of things, and why he acted like he did. Alex stayed quiet, even after Rowan had finished. His mom had cheated on his dad. Alex never knew his mother and father, but he guessed that walking in on it made the situation ten times worse. It had obviously been rough on him, the way he let it impact things.

Alex waited for a bit more, looking up toward Rowan when he realized he wasn't going to start talking again. "I..I'm sorry if I freaked you out... I freaked myself out a little too. You were my first kiss and I guess I just... thought there was something there.. the way you acted.." His words came out somersaulting, and the word jealous nagged at the back of his mind. "Was there something?" He asked, more quietly, cringing at his use of past tense, but he had used it because he honestly had no idea how the other teen felt.

---

[Rowan Booker]

Alex's response to Rowan's fear of being close had his throat going dry and he rubbed the back of his neck. The nerves and frustration he felt made him feel tense and he knew that he'd probably need something to do after this. Something relaxing that didn't involve more stress and more tension. God, how was he going to tell Lucky about this turn of events? She had never pushed him to talk about why he was the way that he was, and he knew she wouldn't press for any of that information about Alex either. But what worried him was that he wouldn't be able to express to her what he was feeling for Alex. Or why things mattered more now to him.

He was such a hypocrite, giving her a hard time for falling for someone when he turns around and does it on his own. Rowan couldn't deny that he was sort of dreading that conversation. He just hoped she had something that happened that could distract them from the topic of her roommate. With all of her current admirers, he wouldn't have been surprised if that was the case.

Alex's question snapped the dancer out of his thoughts and he looked up at the brunette again. Had there been something there? Of course. Was there still? Rowan thought back to the irritable feeling he'd had when he saw Alexander with Ryder. The way he hadn't been able to stop looking at the two of them the whole night. The way that every time Alex left his view, he freaked out a little. Rowan chewed on the inside of his cheek and took a deep breath. Was there something there?

"Yes, there was. And...I mean...the more I think back on the dance...I-I think there still is," He stammered out and shook his head in frustration. He sounded pathetic, but it was the truth. "At least, there is on my part. I don't blame you if you don't feel the same," Because he'd been the world's biggest jerk and everyone would probably tell Alex to just stop while he was ahead so he didn't get hurt worse. Well, everyone that thought they knew the real Rowan Booker.

[Alexander Rothwell]

There was something there for him at least. It was a thought that crossed his mind as soon as the question had left his lips. Like it or not, the guy had actually grown on him, even before the first time they had kissed. He was different, well, there was a lot of different in Hammel, but Rowan was a kind of different that got under Alex's skin like none other. At first, he thought he just didn't really like the guy, something that was really new to him. After the kiss though, those feelings had been quickly unmasked as a crush. Maybe it was the whole first kiss thing, but Alex couldn't get Rowan out of his head. 

That is pretty much why the Halloween dance had been so hard for him. He had been ignored for weeks, and eventually went to a dance with a cute guy he had been set up with. Things were actually going pretty good up until the point Rowan moved in, drunker than a sailor, hollering things at Alex and Ryder. Lucy had her piece too, but Alex was already in tears by the time she had screamed her insults. 

Now though, things were weird. They were talking for the first time in a while, and it was obvious that Rowan was actually trying hard to make things right, and Alex couldn't help but feel that crush aching up back in him. It goes without saying, but Alex's heart performed multiple somersaults as Rowan answered. Panic swept over the boy, at Rowan telling him it was ok if he didn't feel the same way. "No no no no. I.. uhm, there is something there for me too." He offered, breaking into a very small smile as he wiped at his eyes again. Alex wanted to hug him, but he wasn't sure if that would be the smartest thing to do.