Terrified (Sean)

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Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe Phoenix would be better off if he turned around, walked back up to his room, and shut himself inside to hide under his bedsheets with Oriel. He wouldn't have to deal with all this reality stuff he was slowly trying to get used to, realizing that if he wanted to graduate this year, he would have to figure out what to do with his life afterwards. How to get a job, or try to get into school (yeah, right), finding a plcae to live... It was all terrifying for Phen, and thinking about it too long made him go back to craving for the dust that had ruined his life for so long.

Fortunately Oriel was there for him, and had helped nudge him into going to see Dr. Neville. Oriel had already seen him himself, and Phen hoped he wouldn't make a complete idiot out of himself. He avoided talking to adults like the plague unless forced, usually; for the past two years most of them had done nothing but look down on him and his way of living. Only now, having been clean of his dust for about a month and starting to do better in school, did Phoenix even dare to go see the psychiatrist.

And so, crutches in hand, Phen wobbled his way to Sean's office, his wings drooping behind him in the wire-framed custom braces he'd had made to help with the healing process. He didn't honestly know how much Sean knew about him, either in the past or now, and one of the most frightening things in his mind was being judged for his past actions that he looked back on with disgust now. He hoped a telepath, at least, would be able to tell how different his brain processes were now that he wasn't in a practically constant hallucinogen-addled state.

He stood before the door, staring uncertainly, before reaching up a shaking hand and knocking quietly. Assuming Dr. Neville would call him inside, he slowly creaked the door open and peeked in, his gaze immediately dropping to the floor as he shuffled himself inside. He took the farthest seat away from the desk, feeling very, very small, and eased carefully down into it, setting the crutches aside and folding his fingers together in his lap, still looking down. Was he supposed to say something? Phen didn't know how these sorts of things worked.

"U-um...." he stammered, risking a quick peek up before darting his gaze down again. "I-I've never really done anything like this before..." Was he about to be asked a million questions? Scolded? Patronized? Phoenix couldn't control his shivering.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean knew that Phoenix had no prior experience with mental health professionals. It was readily apparent in his thoughts and in his mannerisms, aside from not being mentioned in his file from when he first transferred to Hammel.

However, a great number of Sean’s students had little or no prior experience with mental health professionals when they arrived in his office for the first time. They either came of their own volition because they had a problem they wished to address, or he called for them because he had reason to want to establish sessions with them.

It was common for students to approach him with complete uncertainty the first time. In that way, his familiarity with both procedures and with the students (even ones with whom he hadn’t worked before) was all the more valuable. The psychiatrist had to help the students navigate a vulnerable situation while also getting the information he needed so that he could do his job.

In this instance, Sean was quite familiar with Phoenix, even if the boy had never approached him for a psychiatrist session before. In one sense, that would make this meeting easier, since he knew what to expect already. In another sense, they would have to cut through Phoenix’s reputation in order to approach the boy with the requisite vulnerability that such circumstances entailed.

As such, the psychiatrist kept his gaze focused on the boy. “That’s fine,” he replied, which as an implicit way of waving off the idea that there were particular expectations. “Do you want to talk about what brought you down here today?”

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Phen couldn't help but wonder if the psychiatrist was already looking through his thoughts, realizing his vulnerabilities even though they were clear in his pose and stammering. He'd always been wary of mental powers, having no idea how they really worked and what the limitations were. He liked to think that Dr. Neville wouldn't pry into his deeper thoughts, but again, he had no idea. Phen just did his best to keep himself calm and not have a panic attack.

Think about Oriel... The other boy had been fine. Phoenix took strength from this, and, taking a deep breath, settled himself up just a little straighter.

At the question, Phen swallowed and nodded, looking down at his fidgeting fingers in his lap. "I, um..." How the hell did he start? "I... I know I haven't been t-the best student the past couple years, a-and it's kept me from graduatin' on time..." Just keep going, don't stop. "B-but, um, I r... I really want to graduate this year, a-and I want t'make sure I can make that happen."

That wasn't everything, though. "And... I have no idea what I'm gonna do afterwards." He risked another glance up, anxiety clear in his features. "I-I don't have any idea of how t'get a j-job, or where I'm gonna live, or..." His voice cracked, and he swallowed again. Everything was rather terrifying to think about. "I-I thought maybe you might be able t'help." After all, who else would?

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean wasn’t looking through Phoenix’s thoughts, no more than he typically did with everyone around him. He never advertised this, since he believed that other people were entitled to the illusion of privacy, if they couldn’t have it fully due to his presence. As such, he didn’t offer reassurances to the boy for the course of his thoughts. The psychiatrist could, and would, remark on whatever Phoenix demonstrated through words and body language.

What he saw from the boy was complete and utter nervousness.

Sean was used to seeing that in this office.

He waited for Phoenix to calm himself and proceed with whatever was on his mind.

Graduation. Phoenix was hardly the first person to come to his office for the purposes of discussing their academic futures. While Sean was an administrator, he was not actually involved in academics, beyond his Talk, which was not graded, and his general sway with the rest of the staff.

However, as Phoenix segued from the reality of graduation to his potential future after Hammel, this entered Sean’s realm. He functioned as a guidance counselor, in the absence of someone who was designated to that job. “Those are all things that we can work on together.” First matters first, Sean wanted to assure the boy that he had come to the right person.

“Do you have any notion of what you want to do after graduation, in terms of a job?”

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The longer Phoenix sat there, the less nervous he felt, especially after getting out the longish reason for why he had come there in the first place. Now, at least, they could have some sort of dialogue, and Phen hoped he wouldn't have to do a huge amount of talking and explaining, though he knew that was likely - after all, in order for this meeting to be successful, he needed to bring up everything he had in mind, whether Sean knew about it already or not.

And so, the psychiatrist's reassurance that he could help Phen with his life after Hammel had the student letting out a small, relieved breath. "I'm glad t'hear that," he murmured. His fingers began to untwist in his lap, and he let his posture relax a little more.

But now, Dr. Neville was asking him a question, one that Phoenix had actually thought about himself a little bit. He bit his lip, looking down as he thought for a moment, before giving a small, uncertain nod. "I, um... Well... I've been clean now f-for over a month, from my dust or any other sort of drug," he said softly. "I... If it wasn't for Oriel, I never would've been able t'do it. And..." He swallowed and looked up. "I was thinkin'.... I want t'be able t'be that person for people someday. A.. A drug therapist, you know?" Was it a stupid plan? Phen didn't know. That's why he was here.

"I know that I won't be able t'do that right away, but... S-someday, maybe." He shrugged a shoulder, wincing as his wing twinged. "For now... Any job would do, really, as long as I can actually f-find one."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean was patient, and thus he didn’t force Phoenix to speak. He merely waited for the boy to go at his own pace. Eventually, he did, which was why the patience paid off.

The psychiatrist nodded his understanding as Phoenix described his month of abstinence. That was a start, particularly since the first day, and then the first week, and the first month, and the first year were the hardest when it came to weaning oneself from chemical dependency. More so when one’s own powers contributed to the steady supply of such chemicals. It also wasn’t particularly surprising to hear that Phoenix was interested in assisting others with addiction in the future; that was a common desire, particularly when someone first became clean. “I can understand that.”

Of course, the education and training required to work as a substance abuse counselor, or as any other mental health or medical professional was intense. Phoenix’s grades and behavioral record were not at a place where this was a possibility in the immediate future.

Fortunately, the boy seemed to recognize that.

“That is something good to strive for,” Sean replied, because it was a worthwhile goal.

Unfortunately, the economy and the job markets were not on the side of young people who wanted to support themselves. “Do you have job experience from the summers?” The answer to that would play a role in how easy it would be to find Phoenix a job post-graduation, assuming that he graduated with the Class of 2014.

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Phoenix still definitely struggled. It had been far from an easy road; he still suffered from panic attacks sometimes, thinking he needed a hit, even though he knew he'd gradually developed a resistance to the dust's effects. He'd managed to keep himself from inhaling any for some time now, though. He still had to release the harmful substance on a regular basis just to relieve tension, but he'd so far managed to do so without getting himself or anyone else high off the stuff. Well... There was that one time in the library with Jack... But that had been a total accident and Phoenix still felt awful about it.

Jack had reacted terribly to it too. Phen winced thinking about him screaming and clawing at himself...

"I relied on that sh- stuff for too long," he mumbled. "It's ruined my life. I just hope I can pick up some of the pieces and turn it into somethin' useful, you know?" Phen hoped he hadn't thrown too much of his life down the drain by now to be able to live a decent life. He was nearly nineteen, and could barely take care of himself without Oriel's near-constant presence.

At the question about job experience, he grimaced, hunching his shoulders a little. "I've never really worked in my life," he admitted quietly. "I know that's gonna make it a lot harder t'find someplace that doesn't completely suck, if I can find one at all." He glanced up again, biting his lip anxiously. "Do you know of anyplace that might be willin' t'hire a barely recovered druggie with awful grades and no work experience?"

It sounded so dumb saying it. But he had to get help somewhere, otherwise he'd probably just end up on the streets or something once he was done here at Hammel.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“That is an admirable goal,” Sean replied. It was only natural for individuals to want to help others learn from their past mistakes and to pay forward what they had learned. At least half of all adults who were not bound by the constraints of poverty pursued that, at least at first.

The lack of work experience would be a concern in this economy, but it was not insurmountable. Vermont had weathered the Great Recession better than some of the neighboring states. There were several small businesses in and around Pilot Ridge, some of which were more ideal than others for first employment of young adults. Still, there potential options available.

That was why he kept his rolodex.

Hammel needed to have another job fair this spring, he decided.

“We could try the mall or downtown; there are a number of shops that hire students. I can’t promise that any individual place will take you, but it would be a start.” They would have to make him presentable and walk him through an interview before that.

“Have you ever written a resume?” The psychiatrist asked. If Phoenix did not have one, he and the boy could work on one together. While it had been decades since Sean had last had to prepare a resume for himself, in the absence of a proper guidance counselor, this had fallen into his lap countless times in the past.

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Admirable, perhaps; attainable, only maybe. Phoenix knew he'd have to work hard to get caught up enough to be able to go on and work in the field he would like. His memory had severely worsened over the past two years, which was definitely problematic, and he hoped it would get better with time. It would help a lot with his studies, at least.

Phoenix nodded slowly at the mention of finding a job in the mall or downtown - those had been places he'd considered, though he hadn't the faintest idea of how to ask about job openings or anything else that involved finding work, really. "That sounds like a good idea," he agreed. Phen bit his lip, then, added,"I actually... Know of a place that I kinda wanted t'look into. There's this, um, pet shop downtown where Oriel and I, uh..." He didn't particularly want to bring up the time that he and Oriel had bought a kitten there and had snuck it into the dorms for a couple days, but he was sure Sean probably picked up on it anyway. "Um... Anyway, I thought maybe it wouldn't be a bad job, if they had any openings." He'd love to work with pets - he liked animals better than people a lot of the time, anyway.

At the question about resumes, Phoenix's eyes widened, and he shook his head. "I have no idea how t'write one of those," he said quietly. "Is that somethin' you could help me with?" What would he even put on a resume, he wondered? He hadn't done anything particularly noteworthy in his life, and he didn't know what his positive traits might be. He'd definitely need a lot of help with that.

But they were on a roll, at least. Phoenix was definitely feeling more relaxed, now seeing that Dr. Neville wasn't nearly as intimidating in person as he was on stage during the Talk, even though he was taller than Phen had realized. "You're not as scary as I thought you'd be," he said without really meaning to, then clamped his lips shut, embarrassed. "Er, I mean... I guess I'm just used to adults lookin' down on me so much, I... Didn't realize how helpful this would be." He hoped Sean wasn't offended. He hunched down a little in his chair.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean knew of the same pet shop, although not from any personal interest in the store or in buying a pet for himself. Josh had taken Tomer there to buy his nephew a pet rabbit. More than that, the psychiatrist had spent enough time at the mall to be familiar with the storefront, even if Josh hadn’t made a trip there before.

There were benefits to working at a pet shop. Animals, for people who liked them, had a calming effect in many ways on human nerves. Working with animals involved responsibility and attentiveness, in addition to the other skills required to work in a retail setting. Phoenix’s interest in trying to get a job there was nothing that the psychiatrist would discourage. “That sounds like a good place to start,” he replied. “You can see if they’re hiring, and then get back to me about it.”

Sean was not a proper guidance counselor, but he filled that role. “I can help you with a resume, or the business teacher can.” He was somewhat more approachable than the business teacher was, which meant that the psychiatrist expected that Phoenix would return to him for help with this task. He didn’t mind, even if it was somewhat removed from mental health services.

Sean took no offense to the other remark. “It’s all right,” he said, his voice betraying a lack of judgment. “You aren’t the first person to say that, and I know what you mean. I’m not as intimidating as people might expect.”

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Phoenix was definitely someone that was calmed by animals. Even in the short time that they had had the little kitten, Boo, Phen had felt his stress and anxiety lessen around the playful little ball of fur. It had helped to distract him from near panic-attacks too, which he still suffered from on occasion. He'd also learned very quickly, though, that pets did require a lot of care and attention, the kind of which he couldn't provide on his own yet. "Alright, I'll do that," he nodded, smiling faintly. "Do I just... Go in and ask if they have any openings?" Was it that simple? Phen hadn't done it before, so he wasn't sure.

At the mention of someone else helping, Phoenix fiddled with his fingers for a moment before looking up with a weak, sheepish smile. "I'd like you t'help, if you wouldn't mind," he replied. "I'm, um, not on the best of terms with a lotta teachers still... And you're really the only, uh, adult here that I've talked to about anythin'." His trainer, Amelie, who he'd finally started to not dislike so much, had left not too long ago, leaving Phen once more without any sort of guidance to look to. He had yet to connect with his new trainer, though he was determined to get his ability completely handled (unfortunately, with his wings currently broken, he was sort of lost until they healed, though).

His smile widened a little at the psychiatrist's easy response, glad for the reassurance. "I know Oriel didn't really want t'come, um, before," he said, looking away. "I... I think you can probably really help both of us, though." Goodness knows they needed it. Even if Phoenix wasn't willing to admit it, their relationship wasn't exactly healthy. "I was actually thinkin'.... Maybe we could see you together sometime?" He wasn't sure if that was something Dr. Neville did, but he thought he's ask anyway.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean confirmed the boy’s impression with a nod. Since he knew how that store operated, he was sure that no harm could come from that approach. “Yes. Make sure not to interrupt any of the customers when you do, since you don’t want to impede business while seeking a job with them.”

The psychiatrist nodded again, this time to convey his understanding of the preference and to demonstrate that he was not averse. He certainly couldn’t argue with the fact that Phoenix had alienated many of the other staff members, and that it was primarily Sean’s patience and outlook in life that granted him a higher tolerance of the boy. “That’s fine. I can help you write it.”

From the way that Phoenix carefully chose his words, the psychiatrist had reason to believe that the boy was interested in relationship counseling. This was not, in and of itself, a bad idea. Considering the nature of the relationship between Phoenix and Oriel, they could benefit from relationship counseling. They both needed to learn proper coping skills in life generally and in relation to each other, and with others when their relationship with each other was involved. While not within his typical repertoire, it was something that Sean had done before, and it was something that he was capable of providing. “Talk to Oriel first, and then we can see if we can work something out amongst the three of us.”

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Phoenix made note of Sean's advice, thinking it made sense; he'd definitely be careful to only inquire once no one was busy. "I'll keep that in mind," he promised. He felt a little bit of nervous excitement now - he was gonna hopefully get a job!

He was also appreciative of Sean's willingness to help with his resume, and it showed in the relief on his face. "Thank you," he said with gratitude. He was going to have to work on his relations with some of his other teachers before he graduated - he didn't want everyone to sigh with relief once he was gone.

Phen felt the meeting was starting to draw to a close for now, but the idea of seeing Dr. Neville with Oriel was definitely one he was interested in. He wasn't sure if Oriel would want to, though, so he'd definitely have to ask. "I'll do that," he agreed. "And I'll get back t'you about it." As he started to stand, assuming their talk was done, he wavered, uncertain as to properly leave without being rude. "Um, and thanks for everything... I, uh, I'll let you know when I talk t'the people at the pet shop and see if they're hirin' so we can work on a resume." He let his weight settled against his crutches again, standing awkwardly as he waited for the psychiatrist to dismiss him.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Phoenix had his work ahead of him, but, insofar as their current plans were set, it was nothing insurmountable. With luck, the pet shop was hiring, and between Sean and the boy, they could put together a resume.

It was apparent that the boy considered the meeting to have ended. Considering the fact that Phoenix had come of his own volition rather than being sent for any disciplinary reason, and considering that they had settled on a plan of action and Phoenix’s concerns did not involve acute safety concerns, the psychiatrist was fine to let him go for now. As agreed, Phoenix could get back to him about a potential meeting between himself, the psychiatrist, and Oriel. There would be time to schedule that.

At the other remark, Sean offered the boy a small smile. “You’re welcome.” He didn’t elaborate further, because there was no reason to do so. He knew why Phoenix had thanked him, he would accept that gratitude graciously, and he wouldn’t rub the boy’s nose in it. For the rest of it, he replied, “Please do let me know, so that we can find a time to work on it.”

With that, he lifted his hand in a wave of parting, coupled with a gesture towards the door. “Have a good day, and a speedy recovery.”