Panic Attack (Oriel) [Trigger]

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((Some drugs/violence involved))

No..... No, Phoenix couldn't believe this. He trusted Oriel, he trusted that his boyfriend communicated with him and that there wasn't anything between them that couldn't be shared. They were always clear about if and when they wanted to sleep with another person - they had agreed that this was alright, as long as they got permission from the other person. It was a little weird, and occasionally frustrating, but nothing that Phoenix couldn't handle, especially since he usually joined in on whatever it was, whoever it was with.

So when he started hearing little rumors that Oriel had been sleeping with someone that he hadn't told Phoenix about... Well, it was no wonder he was worried.

The pixie tried to brush the rumors off. That's all they were - fake assumptions. Right? The longer Phen thought about it, though, the more he worried, and the more true it seemed, until he started becoming certain that there must be some sort of truth to it and Phen had done something that had led to Oriel cheating on him and...

He was sitting in their room, mindlessly staring at an assigned reading, but his mind was so scattered and scared that he wasn't understanding anything he was reading. As the minutes went on in silence, Phen's breath started to come more quickly, more shallowly. He... He needed to ask Oriel about it.... But he was so scared.... What if Oriel told him it was true? Or worse.... What if he told him it wasn't, and he was lying? Phen trusted Oriel, he really did, but.... Even he was aware of Oriel's habits.

Finally, after rereading the same sentence a half-dozen times and not getting anywhere, he snapped. His heart started hammering, sweat broke out on his brow and palms, and he jolted off of the bed, the book flung aside carelessly.

"I-I-I'm going t'my room," he stammered, giving no explanation as he hardly took any time to grab a single crutch to hobble quickly to the door and out into the common room, making a beeline for his dorm. He... He needed something, something he'd been hiding and keeping out of his sight for as long as he'd been clean, but now... Now, he wanted, no, needed something to make this panic stop.

He reached his room and fumbled into his closet, tossing aside several piles of clothes and other items to reveal a small box in the back. Hands shaking, he grabbed it, and fumbled to open the top; his fingers were trembling so bad that he couldn't quite manage it, and his panic grew.

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Whatever that rumor was that was going around was, Oriel had never heard it. Seriously, who would tell Oriel of a rumor about himself? There was still only a handful of people who could stand to talk to him without pissing themselves and those people tended to be downright insane themselves. Phoenix, on the other hand, was probably a lot more likely to be approached by people who were generally considered "normal".

There was no argument from Oriel that the 16-year-old was a downright slut and would fuck anything with a hole to fuck. And like Luigi Largo, if there ain't one he will make one, and he won't take shit from no one….ok, he wouldn't go that far, but the fact still stood that Oriel had a very open relationship with his boyfriend Phoenix, even to the point of sleeping with the same moron who had attacked Phen a few months back in the courtyard.

But Oriel wasn't a complete jerk and he at least made sure Phoenix knew who his partners were. He gave his word to do so and Oriel was a man of his word. Especially since Phoenix was the especially special one, Oriel still didn't know what he would do without his Squishy-love.

The two of them were actually studying together in Oriel's room. And by "studying", I mean Phoenix was studying and Oriel was snoozing.

Or at least he was trying to snooze, but Oriel was feeling a little bit hyper and wanted to go dooooooo somethiiiiiiing. But he didn't want to go without Phoenix, and Phoenix was still limited in where he could go because of his leg. He also had a lot on his mine(as usual) the most primary one being the appearance of this new/old friend of Phen's, Gryph-dimples or whatever his name was.

"Oy….Phoenix," he started. There was no response. Oriel rolled over on the bed. "Hey! Phoenix!" Still no answer. Tunnel vision at it's best, maybe? Those glasses must be helping more than he thought….

"I-I-I'm going t'my room."

Still without an answer and without explanation, Phoenix rose and started hobbling out of the room in a rush, leaving Oriel a bit…confused. Dumbfounded.

And worried.

Oriel had seen Phoenix behave like this before, storm out when his urges for a hit grew too strong and he just needed to do something else for a while. Normally Phen would tell him not to follow and then would return after a short while perfectly fine. He hadn't done this for a couple months though.

Call it a gut instinct or simple paranoid, but Oriel had a bad feeling. After about a minute, he got to his feet and followed after Phoenix. A few doors down the hall, and Oriel let himself in to dorm 210 and silently started towards Phoenix's room.

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Phoenix didn't expect Oriel to follow him. He hadn't realized how quiet and unresponsive he'd been all day, he had too much on his mind, which was what made him panic in the first place. He thought his boyfriend would just let him go like he usually asked him to; he hadn't even realized he hadn't said that this time, either. He was too intent upon getting to his secret stash he hadn't yet touched, and getting this panic under control.

He knew he shouldn't do this. He knew it. He'd been clean for longer than he had been in years, he was doing well...

But it was just so hard.

Phoenix finally managed to get the box open and pulled out a very small bag with a suspicious white substance. His hands were still jittery as he tried to get it open, sitting on the floor with his cast-clad leg awkwardly bent out to the side, the other curled beneath him. Small, quiet whimpers passed his lips; he couldn't believe he was doing this, it was like he was another person watching from the outside as his body struggled to get that powder in his system.

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Yeah, Oriel definitely had a bad feeling. He was feeling his own stomach start to tickle and turn in a sick sort of panic now as he wondered exactly what Phoenix was doing. There was just something about how quiet he'd been all day, how unresponsive, how distracted he was that Oriel could barely even get his attention. Then just out of the blue he stormed off when he had no business storming, especially with that leg.

Oriel could see Phoenix's door as he crossed the common room, just barely cracked a couple inches. He could hear the frantic rustling and fumbling coming from inside. Slowly, Oriel pushed the door open, a low creak sounding as he peered inside with a hardened stare.

"Phoenix," he said, his voice deep and firm. "What are you doing?" Though Oriel could take a guess...but he wanted to give Phoenix a chance to stand down before moving in and making that decision for him. After all, Oriel could be wrong and just paranoid.

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Unfortunately, Oriel's paranoia was for good reason for once; unless someone stopped him, Phen was beyond the point of making himself stop now, so set in his panic that he couldn't think of anything else. He'd been able to stop himself before by pacing around, doing out and distracting himself, and sometimes he had just released his dust and covered his mouth until it was all gone. He wasn't sure why it was different this time; maybe because his anxiety was over Oriel, the person that meant the most to him in this world. The thought of him sleeping with someone else without telling him...

Phen finally managed to start getting the tie untwisted when he heard his door squeak. Jumping, he whirled around and shot a panicked look at Oriel, his guilt written all over his face. "N-n-nothin'!" he lied, fumbling to shove the bag back into its box before Oriel saw it. He knew he was caught, and his cheeks and neck were flushed deeply even as he tried in vain to hide his secret. Oriel was going to think he'd never stopped, that he'd been using all this time...

"I j-just..." he stammered, unable to come up with any sort of excuse. His trembling hands closed the flaps of the box and he began to pick it up to throw back in his closet. Phoenix's wire-braced wings were shivering; Phen was panicking even more now that he knew he was just about to be caught.

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Oriel's eyes might have been full of disappointment if they weren't stuck in a stone cold stare. And expectant stare. His mouth a thin line and his stance solid there in the doorway. His eyes narrowed at the outright lie that Phoenix stammered through. Oriel hated being lied to. Yes, it did occur to him that Phoenix might have been lying to him all this time. And he wondered what other thing Phoenix might have lied to him about. But he set those aside for the moment, because there were more important things to address right now.

His eyes followed to the box that Phoenix was fondling, where he'd so obviously hidden something inside. Oriel stepped forward and held out his hand. "Give it to me." It was commanding, but still, this wasn't even Oriel's normal dom voice that he used in their games. This was….much more intense. And much darker.

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Phoenix was already curling in on himself, his shoulders hunched and head lowered as he expected some sort of lashing out. He couldn't look Oriel in the eyes - he knew there must be disappointment, disgust.... Phen couldn't stand to see his lover looking at him that way. Oh God, what if this was going to make Oriel break up with him....?! No, no no no, it couldn't, it wouldn't, Phen wouldn't be able to handle that....

Give it to me. Phoenix's gaze finally shot up, his face now white with horror. "It's nothin'!" he squeaked again, trying to shift himself back further with his good leg; he barely managed to move at all. "Please Oriel, I ain't used it, I promise....!" Yeah, he hadn't used it until now, but now he only wasn't because his boyfriend was here.... Phen's chest was heaving as he started to hyperventilate, his panic still making his heart beat wildly as he clutched the box against his chest. "D-d-d-don't hate me!"

In his anxious shivering, his fingers seized up and the box fell out of his hands, the top flaps coming open and spilling out the still-closed bag. Phoenix yelped and tried to reach out for it, but his broken leg kept him from being able to grab it before Oriel presumably did.

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Oriel was pushing down, hiding anything else that he might be feeling at that moment - the doubt, anger, disappointment, hurt, fear - as he continued to stare down his broken lover. If he didn't, it might just overwhelm him. He'd didn't dare say anything more either, for fear that his mask might shatter.

He kept his hand out, watching as Phoenix was starting to panic even more, begging and pleading with his lover to believe him. No, it was definitely better that Oriel held himself back as much as possible. Phoenix didn't need to see Oriel lose it again.

The bag fell to the carpet and Oriel stepped forward, catching it under his shoe before Phoenix could grab it. He bent down and picked it up, his eyes scanning over the white powder inside. Oriel turned and headed into the hallway. He needed to get rid of this. What Phoenix probably didn't see or notice was that Oriel's own hands were shaking as he carried that heavy weight to the restroom.

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The silence was worse, Phoenix thought, than if Oriel had started yelling at him - at least then there would be communication between them, and Phen would know what Oriel was thinking. As it was, the lack of anything coming from Oriel's mouth didn't help with Phen's panic, and he wondered how long it would be before the boy exploded.

"No-!" he cried, scrabbling against Oriel's shoe, trying to pull the bag out from underneath. It was no use - his boyfriend snatched it up without a word, looking at its obvious contents with that cold, dark stare. Phen whimpered and sunk in on himself again, but as soon as Oriel turned, his heart jolted and he scrambled to his feet, not even taking the time to grab his crutch as he lunged at his lover, his fingers clawed in manic terror as he scrabbled to get his drug back. "Oriel, don't, please...!" he begged, his voice choking as he clung onto the much larger boy. "I n-n-need it, I can't s-s-stand this...!"

If he was breaking the skin, he wasn't aware - Phen's mind was overtaken with that animalistic terror now, frantic and desperate to get his stash. His leg and wings twinged and stung as he fought, but he ignored them. "Oriel, baby, please....!" His voice was shrill and panicked.

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The cries were like poison to his ears. His heart broke with every claw that dug into his arm, into his back and neck. Oriel wouldn't be able to hold himself up for much longer at this rate. He tried with all the strength he could to block out those pleas, to ignore the pain and even the desire to just give in and let Phoenix have the stupid drug. He tried even harder to keep himself from just lashing out and swatting that pathetic druggie. Shove him into the wall and beat some sense into him.

"STOP IT! BACK! OFF!!" he shouted at full volume, turning to face his lover. His eyes had finally flared up with that slow burning rage. He gripped the bag tight in his hand until it began to cramp. Oriel shrugged Phoenix off his shoulder and continued to move forward, each step growing more heavy than the last.

One in the washroom, Oriel lifted the seat with a clatter and proceeded to dump that white powder until every fine grain had fallen into the bowl. He pushed down the handle.

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Had Phoenix known exactly what was going through Oriel's mind, he... Would have probably freaked out even more. All he knew was Oriel was disappointed; he didn't realize just how upset he was. The violence that threatened to break through. Phen knew that Oriel would never hurt him, or so he thought....

As soon as Oriel screamed at him, though, any remaining color dropped from Phoenix's face, leaving him paralyzed and terrified. Had... Had Oriel ever yelled at him like that? He stopped fighting, every muscle in his body seeming to seize up as he tried and failed to process the rage in his lover's eyes. His mouth was wide as he stumbled back, nearly toppling over as Oriel shrugged him away like he was nothing more than a pesky fly. No, no, this was so wrong, what had Phoenix done, he'd ruined everything...!

As soon as he heard the clatter of the toilet lid, he jolted back into action, scrambling into the bathroom just as he saw the last of the powder fall into the water and Oriel pushed down the lever. "NO!" he shrieked, trying to stop the stuff from going down the drain, but it was too late. Phoenix collapsed down onto the floor, a shaking, shuddering mess, his breath ragged and catching with sobs, groveling at Oriel's feet. "No, no, no, no..." he moaned, staring up at his boyfriend, distraught. "Wh-why?!" he cried. "I c-can't- this- you don't...." Phen couldn't form a complete sentence; he wrapped his arms over his head and rocked back and forth, lost on what to do. He needed something, something, he couldn't take this feeling, no no no....

And... And now he'd probably lost Oriel for good.... How could the boy ever trust him again? Phen wailed incoherently, feeling like his world was breaking apart.

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What Phoenix didn't see and what Oriel didn't show was just how far his heart had fallen after allowing those fierce words to escape. Oriel was fixed on a mission that he needed to finish before he could even think about addressing the myriad of emotions that were billowing up inside him. As soon as it was over, as soon as he'd completed the task, it was all finally starting to surface and Oriel didn't even know which to express first.

The only thing for certain was that Oriel was in pain, just as much as Phoenix was. Oriel reached down at that cowering boy and grabbed his wrists, pulling him forcefully up to his feet. "Get up." It wasn't a request. Regardless if Phoenix complied, Oriel would start moving back towards the bedroom, his hand clutched tightly, too tight, over Phoenix's wrist, practically dragging his lover down the hall. Despite any struggle, Oriel did this, and as soon as they returned to the bedroom, he would throw the other boy onto the bed and shut the door.

Oriel wrapped his arms tight around his torso and leaned back against the now locked door, keeping his head down to the floor.

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Phoenix knew Oriel had to be feeling something awfully intense now, he just wasn't sure what all it was. Rage, disgust, worry, panic, terror... Probably all of what Phen was experiencing, too. But Phen was too far into his own head to really realize what he'd made Oriel feel until the boy's hands clamped hard around his wrists. He cried out as Oriel pulled him up, his bad leg jolting painfully, shaking and shivering and sniveling as his lover pulled him roughly back into the hall. He was a limp doll at this point, his broken leg a dead weight at he was half-dragged, half-stumbled back to his room. He mewled at the painful clamp around his wrist, but didn't fight it; whatever Oriel was going to do, leave him or comfort him or beat him.... Phoenix was too lost to do anything about it at this point.

He felt himself get flung onto his bed and landed heavily, barely managing to keep his wings from getting crunched as he landed on his side. Phen immediately curled in on himself again, his back facing Oriel, continuing to whimper and sob into the sheets. He heard the door shut, and he was afraid to look to see if Oriel had left him, or was still there.

"Fuck," he whimpered out, fingers clutching into the sheets, his whole body tense. After a few moments, he began to claw at himself, desperate for some kind of release, any kind of release that would get this damned panic and agony out of his system. He rolled around to face the other side, hardly seeing Oriel through his bleary vision. "STOP!" he screamed to no one, choking on his own breath. "Pl-please, make it stop...."

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Oriel was shaking. This was the worst. He had hoped to whatever ruled this universe that this would never have had to happen. He'd thought over and over how he was going to react, how he was going handle it, how he was going to push himself down if he ever found out that Phoenix was using again. After all that work he went through to get clean…but was he ever really in the first place? What that why he was doing so well? He'd just stop using one and switched to something else? Did Oriel mean nothing to him if Phoenix was just going to go back to that kind of life?

Depend on me more, please, he wanted to say. Let me help you! You don't have to do this alone…don't you want my help….?

But Oriel's throat was stinging, already feeling swollen shut. He couldn't speak if he wanted to. And so he kept his head hung, looking down at the carpet below and cradling himself with his arms wrapped tight around his own torso. He didn't want to see Phoenix like this…but he couldn't leave him alone. Oriel couldn't leave him.

He wouldn't leave him.

Oriel peered up when Phoenix screamed, his own eyes beginning to moisten. He stood there frozen, for what seemed like forever, watching as Phoenix started to claw at himself and panic even more. Move…do something! Slowly at first, Oriel released his arms and leaned forward, taking one step…two…then suddenly all at once Oriel rushed forward and threw himself over his distressed lover, struggling against his flails and grabbing his wrists again. He held Phoenix from behind, forcing his arms down in front of him, and sank his weight on top of him. Oriel buried his face into Phoenix's shoulder and let the tears come.


((OOC: Hurray! This marks Oriel's 1000th post! Congratulations, baby!))

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No no no... Oriel meant everything to Phoenix, he was the one reason the boy had been able to stop at all. Phen had dumped all of his reliance onto his younger lover, becoming, really, far too dependent on Oriel's love and support and attention to the point of being willing to put up with anything in order to keep him around. The only reason he'd broken today was because he'd been terrified that something had happened that was going to break them apart, and he couldn't take it, he couldn't...

It just went to show that if they ever did break up, Phen might be worse off than he was before.

He tore at his skin, trying to distract himself from the panic in his mind, completely ignorant of Oriel's presence. He was alone, so alone, no one could love him, everyone was going to leave him eventually....

Then, a heavy weight landed on top of him, and Phoenix cried out again, struggling against the much stronger boy. It was no use - soon enough his arms were pinned against his bed, his legs flat, Oriel's body hard against his. Phoenix continued to wail at first, yelling incoherently at his lover, begging him to let go, to let him get this release, but eventually his energy plummeted and his struggles grew weaker, and he became aware of the pain lacing up his arms, his casted leg, his wings that were pressed awkwardly down. He also became aware of a dampness soaking his shoulder, and realized that Oriel was crying.

"S-s-stop," he mewled, his own cheeks already streaked with tears. "Y-y-you ch-cheated on me, I h-heard, you d-don't l-love me...." Phoenix's voice was thick and hard to understand, and he probably sounded like an idiot since the rumors weren't true, but he'd let himself get so worked up that he told himself they were. "L-l-let me go, l-leave me alone, let me have my f-f-f-fucking drugs back...." He was still shivering, but his muscles had grown limp, leaving him feeling like an empty shell.