One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor (Josh)

[Dr. Sean Neville]

((OOC: This takes place on January 25, 2014.))


The end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014 had been difficult for the Neville-Bernstein family. They had been informed, with very little warning, that one of Bailey’s family members had wanted to take custody of her, in anticipation of an intra-family adoption. They had been warned of this possibility when they had first signed up to become foster parents, but that forewarning did little to ease the pain and sense of loss that came from their foster daughter being taken from their home.

Everything they had bought for her belonged to her, and so it had rightly gone with her when she left. The result was a very empty bedroom with one of the bland bedspreads used for guests on the bed that had been hers. The closet was empty, the bathroom was empty, none of her books or movies remained in the den.

They had had her in their home for roughly the same duration as a pregnancy. Less than a year. Less than the time Sean had taken care of L.C. Still, the change was palpable.

Cooking for two again. Baking for two again. He and Josh resumed their past rhythm, but it was different.

Hammel was different as well. A bit more stressful due to the exchange program. The psychiatrist’s sessions had been rearranged to help the new students transition through the cultural differences for the semester, while some of his advisees (the ones who could handle the semester abroad) were absent.

Somehow, the telepath wasn’t depressed, even if he was sad for him and for Josh. He was happy for Bailey, that she had been reunited with family and that she would be adopted, but he was sad for their loss.

The snow outside was perfect for a snowball fight. However, not having the interest in that, as there were no children to share the experience with, the telepath had instead brewed tea for himself and hot cocoa for Josh, as they passed the afternoon quietly in the living room.

[Joshua Bernstein]

The house felt empty without Bailey.

Josh wasn't sure when it had happened, that he'd grown used to helping her with her homework after supper. That he'd grown used to setting the table with her, to asking for her assistance with baking. He had lived alone for decades, up until his reconciliation with Sean. Really that wasn't long ago, in the scheme of things.

And now he felt lonely with just the two of them.

He had spent the afternoon in silence with Sean, nursing the mug of cocoa his partner had thoughtfully made for him. When it was finished he set it on the coffee table with a small sigh.

"The house feels so big."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The house was big; this was a fact that, even in his happiest and most comfortable moments, Sean would never deny. He had bought the house nearly two and a half decades ago, when he’d still believed that he might have a large family. While he’d not had a family for most of that time, and when he’d finally had one it had materialized far smaller than anticipated, the house had remained the same size. Four bedrooms, five bathrooms, so many rooms on the first floor, and most of them quiet and unused for the vast majority of the day.

“Try having lived here alone,” the telepath remarked quietly, before he sipped from his mug. It wasn’t sarcasm, but like Josh’s remark, it was a statement of fact. His partner had only lived here with at least one other person in the house, sometimes two. Sean, by contrast, had spent most of his years here with no other occupants.

He then shook his head to clear it and set down his mug. “At least I don’t have to worry about that again.”

Whatever happened around them, Sean had the utmost confidence that Josh and he would live together until one or the other of them passed away – decades from now.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh bit his lower lip at Sean's statement, considering this. It was certainly true that, although he had lived alone for most of his adult life, none of the spaces he had occupied had been intended for families. Even the house he'd moved into when he'd moved to Vermont hadn't been a family house, even if it had been much bigger than the flat he'd lived in.

And while Sean's follow up was also true, it was a good lead in to a Discussion. Josh wasn't always confident initiating discussions, but he felt it necessary to ask, hesitant as he was, "No. Do you...should we...did you think we should apply again? For another foster child? Sorry, is it too soon to talk about this?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Although Sean had heard the question, he didn’t answer right away. Instead, he became silent and contemplative. He knew that sometimes made his partner nervous, which was never his intention; however, the question was difficult to answer, given everything that had happened.

The telepath had enjoyed being a foster father to Bailey. He’d enjoyed having her in their home and incorporating her into their routine and into their lives. He’d enjoyed everything about having her, which had only served to prove to himself that he was good at parenthood and would have been good with biological children, or children when he had been younger than in his mid-fifties.

At the same time, they’d had her for eight months, and it hurt having her taken from them. Even though they had been warned of the possibility when they’d first applied, and again when they’d received her, and even though it was positive for Bailey to be adopted by other family members.

Another child wasn’t something to rush into, not so soon after they had lost Bailey.

“It isn’t too soon to talk, but it’s too soon for me to make any informed decisions.” Sean didn’t want to give his partner the impression that he didn’t want to talk, but Josh deserved to know the telepath’s emotional state.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh could feel his anxiety rise the longer the silence on Sean's part remained. When his partner finally spoke, he heaved a sigh of relief.

"Oh. Of course."

Then there was nothing fruitful to be gained from continuing down that line of discourse.

"Don't worry about it. We don't have to discuss it now." He assured the other man, leaning up against him as he spoke. "I don't want you to feel pressured."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean tilted his head to brush against his partner’s at the reassurance. Truly, he was appreciative of the fact that Josh wouldn’t pressure him; he knew that the younger man wouldn’t pressure him, but the verbal reassurance was nice to hear. Particularly since not everyone provided him with that same courtesy, even when they didn’t mean to be rude.

Being a telepath in a world of non-psychics could be so difficult.

The older man was content to sit beside his partner for a few minutes. Silence didn’t bother him, perhaps because he didn’t get to enjoy silence in the same way as the vast majority of the population. Silence was an elusive concept, one that had a different meaning to him.

Still, after those few minutes, he took a deep breath and then asked, “What do you want to do for the rest of the day?”

He had no expectations that anything exciting would happen. There had been too much excitement recently, although all of it had been negative insofar as their family structure was concerned. Still, if Josh wanted something special for supper, or if he had some other preference, then Sean would be able to go along with that.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Anything you want to do."

Josh was quick to deflect the question back onto his partner. They did what the attorney wanted so often, and he felt a little bad about it sometimes. And, more than that, although he had been thrilled to foster, and ached with loneliness now that Bailey was no longer part of their family, he also knew that family and children had always been a larger priority for Sean.

So Sean should be the one who got to choose how they spent their time trying not to think too hard about this.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Josh’s reply was a reversal of their typical dynamic. Truly, Sean didn’t mind how often they went along with the attorney’s preferences. If he did, he was capable of articulating this to his partner, even when the younger man believed to the contrary.

The question gave him pause, although not because of the reversal. Rather, the telepath was trying to cope with the loss. He missed Bailey; he was sad as a result of the situation as a whole. Trying to think of something enjoyable had led their current position: quiet, not particularly interesting but incident-free. Thinking beyond that lacked enthusiasm.

Sean was silent for another long moment, this time while he mulled over options. Finally, he said, “I suppose I should start cooking supper eventually.”

That was not what one might consider a couple’s activity. Particularly given the fact that, while Josh was more comfortable in the kitchen due to two years of baking homework, he still didn’t cook.

Sean didn’t ask whether Josh had preferences for their meal, as he might otherwise. His partner’s reply to his inquiry about activities for the rest of the afternoon and evening, the telepath didn’t expect Josh to provide him with specifics for their menu options.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Is that what you want?"

The question was tentative, shoulders slumped but chin up, brow furrowed inquisitively but otherwise diffident. He didn't want to assume that Sean wished to do something else, but he also didn't want his partner to settle for the responsible just because he didn't feel he could suggest anything else.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean recognized the question, because he recognized himself in that question. He also recognized it for the way that his partner tried to refocus their relationship when Josh was feeling hesitant or selfish. The telepath saw no reason for the younger man to worry about being selfish in this situation, since it wasn’t as though Josh had forced anything on him. They had both taken it easy since Bailey had left, which was to be expected when one was depressed.

Not that they ever spoke in detail about the telepath’s depressive bouts. He never met the diagnostic criteria for either Major Depressive Disorder or Dysthymia , and so, aside from being aware, there was nothing to be done except for riding it out.

However, their current situation had a very tangible and acute cause.

With a sigh, Sean answered, “I don’t particularly want to do anything,” he admitted, because that was true. He wanted to spend the time in Josh’s company, because it was important for them to be together, and because he drew comfort from the attorney’s presence. At the same time, he had no current ambitions or desires to do anything that one might consider interesting. Still, they had to eat eventually.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh leaned over to place one hand over Sean's, concern in his expression. He understood the impulse to simply do nothing, because he felt it, as well, at times. He'd felt this way himself in the immediate aftermath of Bailey's departure. Now he would prefer to do something to take his mind off of how lonely he felt but....

"We don't have to do anything." He hurriedly assured the other man, squeezing his hand. "You don't even have to cook, not unless you want to. I can order take out if you'd rather. But only if that's what you want!"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean appreciated the physical contact, and he immediately covered Josh’s hand with his other, sandwiching his partner’s hand between his two larger ones. The telepath hadn’t reached the point of wanting a distraction, primarily because that wasn’t how he typically coped with this type of loss, and, given the nature of his telepathy and his job obligations, the ability to do nothing was a luxury.

“Even if I don’t cook for tonight, I have to cook for the rest of the week,” he said with another sigh. Hammel was back in session, which meant that he had his work hours again, and it was necessary to have the basic preparation done for their suppers in advance. He wouldn’t have the energy to cook from scratch during the week, and the weekend was the only time for preparation.

Although the thought of takeout was enticing, entirely because it brought with it the potential for comfort foods. Ones that would take no effort on his part to materialize.

“Take out might be a good idea.” Bakery take out was almost certainly a good idea, since the sugar and glucose might perk him a bit, and there was a reason he kept that number so readily accessible.

[Joshua Bernstein]

The comment regarding supper for the rest of the week put a damper on Josh's suggestion. He could feel guilt welling up, guilt that he had never learned to cook, and so couldn't offer to help. He could bake, though, and he had always been able to do a few simple things. Maybe he could try his hand at dinner for one week; even if it wouldn't be quite up to Sean's quality, it was obvious his partner could use the break.

"We'll do takeout tonight. And I...I'll cook the rest of the week. I can at least put a frozen pizza in the oven, if it comes to that. Or I can buy a rotisserie chicken on the way home from work, and make up some instant mashed potatoes. I know I'm no chef, but I think I can manage a few meals for us."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean’s intention had not been to make Josh feel guilty about his inability to cook. The telepath liked cooking, and he didn’t mind that the entirety of the cooking chores fell to him. Even if it was inconvenient when he was ill or suffering from something else, he never considered Josh’s limitations to be problematic. Overall, he cherished the fact that the attorney had learned to bake for him, and the younger man was good about tending bar and setting the table before meals and clearing it afterwards.

More than that, frozen pizza sounded terrible. He was far too old for that and had developed adult expectations decades ago. He couldn’t live on frozen pizza or sandwiches, even for a week. It was better for him to simply live up to his obligations and cook their meals for the upcoming week.

Take out for tonight was sounding better and better, however. “Can we get Chinese?”

If Josh had a different preference, then Sean wouldn’t object. He liked all of the restaurants in their delivery rotation. Still, Chinese food was his unabashed favorite, and the thought of eating some of his comfort food dishes was appealing in this moment: soup would help with the weather, and his favorites would help with the rest of it.