Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night

[Olivia Baker]

Dear Diary Journal, 

So one of my New Years Resolutions was to write more. I've always liked writing, though it's been neglected some over the past couple of years. Starting today, it won't be so.

I'm not entirely sure what to write in here. Thoughts? Jokes? Memories? Poems? Lyrics? I suppose all of the above? Maybe I'll even sketch some shitty stick figures from time to time too.

I guess I'll start with where I am in my life right now... as if i knew

I'm at Hammel. I'm a Junior. I still suck at Time Manipulation despite being here for what feels like forever.

I have 3.5 roommates though only 1.5 of them are relevant towards my life right now. The 1 is Penelope, and the .5 is the girl who antagonizes her who I think she's in a relationship of some sort with? I'm honestly not sure... if it is a relationship I'm not sure it's a healthy one considering all the noise that comes from that room.. not that i'm listening! I don't listen... you can't help what you here though

ANYWAY it's winter and snow sucks! I haven't seen grass in months and the sun in what feels like longer. I'm slowly losing my mind and I'd like to blame it on the vitamin D if that's alright.

Mom called today. 

Is it pathetic that's all that's worth saying about that? I mean it kills me that there isn't more... I miss mom... I miss her liking me but I feel like all our conversations are so formal and she only calls me to make sure I'm A) Alive still and B) not pregnant. Needless to say though her standards are out of this fucking world her actual expectations regarding who I am as a person and what I'll amount to are.... quite frankly pathetic. I'm sure Tristan has had his hand in this too... though I have to admit of our handful of meetings the past couple have been.... tolerable. I'm positive it was him who told mom about my hickey though... uhg that fucking hickey.... was it worth it? No. Not at all. Peyton left AGAIN right after giving me that and convincing me that there was somehow some kind of mutual romance thing? So stupid... I should have known better and I'm kind of glad I didn't start writing sooner because I assure you for a couple weeks there I was totally pathetic in a way I don't care to document and return to later.

The question is though... Have you learned Olivia? Nope. Nope not at all. If there's anything I've learned at Hammel it's that Pilot Ridge is swarming with three things, Metas, Incredibly attractive individuals (including boys), and half of the worlds gay population... of course sometimes all three of these are combined to make one individual.... actually that's most cases.. would that make a fourth category then? I don't know. Anyway, though I still really really like Peyton.... I don't know... I mean... uhg. I guess I like someone else... but I don't know it's just super confusing and some stupid game of cat and mouse or something. I'm sure he wouldn't actually like me.. plus i'm taller than him.. shocker.... I just want to saw off my knee caps! I guess if me and the boy started to date I'd just be doomed to wearing ugly flats or something... lame. 

Ah I think I hear my 1.5 roommates... oh no. That's uncomfortable. I think that's enough for tonight though anyway.

Tata 

Olivia <3 

[Olivia Baker]

Dear Journal,

I think I'm a good person. I really do... maybe that's cocky to say, or vain, or something, or the very fact I say it makes me a bad person... but I can't help it. 

So why, why does the universe feel the need to pull at my heart strings so badly? Why can't I have one happy thing? One moment of bliss that doesn't cost me part of my soul? 

I know I'm being dramatic... but I seriously can't understand why when every time I feel like I can finally trust someone enough to get close to them... to share part of me and find trust... they throw it away... they throw me away. 

Am I really that unappealing? 

I can't help but watch my friends as they find love and feel jealous. I know some of them had amazing valentines days and for the first time this year I thought I'd have one too... I was so happy. I felt so loved and the details that Reece went into to make it special were incredible... no one has ever done so much for me.... it's a shame that it was a pity date. 

Reece pity dated me. That's all that that was. He felt so bad for me that he went out of his way to make it special because he knew that no one else would. I'm pathetic. But hell all my interactions with the opposite sex have been out of pity. Reece Pity dated me. Rowan pity kissed me. Flynn pity pizzad me... hell even Peyton pity wine and dined me... 

I just don't understand what's wrong with me... I don't understand why I'm not worth it to anyone... why I'm so laughable. 

I'm happy for Kails... I don't think she knows how much Anthony cares about her... but I do. He's liked her forever... and the way he lights up just seeing her smile, the way he talks about her. I just, I hope that one day someone looks at me the way Anthony looks at her... 

I just want to matter to someone. I don't think it's wrong to want that. 

[Olivia Baker]

Dear Journal,

In light of some recent events I have a new song... I have no one to show it to so I'll show it to you. 

This is it, we're on the edge of everything

We ran so fast we didn't see it coming

We kept on making lies, it was easy to believe in them

Now it's the time to pretend we didn't se it coming

This is it, we're on the edge of all we know

We didn't look back when we could, and now we can't

We kept on making promises, and we kept on breaking them

Now we're gonna pretend we didn't see it coming

Ladies and Gentlemen, we're crashing. Please enjoy the ride.

((Not my own: www.hitrecord.org/users/ppeppina)) 

[Olivia Baker]

Today i went to talk to Reece. I thought that maybe... I don't know.  

I went to your room today, just because... 
It's been a while since we've talked. 
I wondered if i'd crossed your mind
Your room was empty 

It's been a while since we've talked
I wanted to say I missed you 
I wondered if i'd crossed your mind 
you could have said goodbye 

I wanted to say i missed you 
But you weren't there 
you could have said goodbye
I went to your room today, just because...



lame poem but... it's what we're doing in class this week. I can't really get what happened on paper... maybe because I don't want to remember or ... well I guess it doesn't matter. 

All i know is my heart hurts. I don't know why. It just does and I'd do anything to make it stop. 

[Olivia Baker]

It's been a while since I've written,

I promise I'm feeling better, I am. I don't really care about Reece anymore or any other guy for that matter... I don't really care about anything at all to be honest. That's what scares me.

I. don't. care. about. anything.

But I want to.

I miss the girl I used to be. I miss her so bad. I miss being happy. I miss being smart. I miss smiling... I sound so fucking emo but I swear I'm not. I'm just fucking lost. I don't know what I want or who I am or how I even lost myself so badly. I don't know if I'm supposed to fix myself or if I should rely on someone else which honestly doesn't seem fair. I don't know how to fucking fix myself alone though. i've been trying so damn hard to just figure it all out and yet here I am still feeling nothing.

I feel nothing. I am nothing. I'm a ghost. That's what I am. I'm not a real girl, I'm a ghost.

The absolute worst part is that people do care. It'd be so much easier to just completely fade into the shadows if I didn't have Carleigh and Kails... and Lucy. They try really hard and I wish I could show them their efforts aren't lost... i don't know why I cant! It's so simple! Just be happy!

It should be that simple.

When I was a real girl it was that simple.

Maybe I should write to myself instead of a journal.

Ok.

Dear Liv,

Live.

Love,
Your Ghost