The feelings I feel are not real (Sean)

[Andreas Ivaring]

Andreas didn't set a whole lot of precedent about who he was while he was here at Hammel for the first year-and-a-half or so that he was here. It was suggested pretty heavily by his documentation that he pay regular visits to the counseling staff here. That they could help him, that they were good here. But he didn't talk much. Beyond introductions, he liked to just stay quiet, and listen more than say anything, maybe occasionally enjoy an apple while lying down.

But what he didn't know was that he was talking to someone who could hear what he was saying this whole time. Oh no -- even the things he didn't say were there and in the open for Sean to hear. If he knew, he would have been surprised he wasn't in trouble sooner. Every time he talked -- or listened, he always thought about the people here, how they were so stupid, how there were some of them he could, and want to absolutely ruin. How there were some he would love to see suffer to some extent.

But not only did he never act on those thoughts while he was here, not yet, but that thought train was always accompanied, in the same session, by some sort of latent misery. He always fooled himself in to believing that he was okay, that he had a handle on everything, but he really didn't. The more that he thought about the state of things, the more his mind furiously tumbled, trying to get a grasp on just what he felt.

'It's not real', he'd tell himself. 'I don't really need these /people/ talking to me. They're all idiots!' Any sort of justification he could give to himself, he would. It was... honestly a little bit pathetic. He made excuses to tell himself he was normal for not having any friends here, for chasing off anyone he had a chance with. For exhausting the teachers.

Today wasn't much different. He was thinking all sorts of thoughts. This time, the biggest one on his mind was whether or not he really had a chance in this school. "Of course I do. They wont like me but I'm smarter than they are." "Smarter... And lonelier." "Nobody /needs/ friends."... It was quite an active train of multiple tangents today. He knocked on the door, and entered, as it was scheduled. "Afternoon, Doctor Neville."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

One aspect of being Head of, and the brunt of, the Mental Health Services Department of Hammel was the need to develop versatility. Not only versatility in terms of scheduling, since Sean was always needed and he was outnumbered by students and other faculty in a ratio of hundreds to one. He also had developed versatility in terms of how he interacted with the students. Each student was an individual with his or her own needs, background, acute reasons for seeking him out, and long-term goals. While the principle rules of psychology and human development applied to everyone, as everyone was human, other factors changed potential and desired outcomes.

Sean Neville kept all of that in mind when meeting with students. It allowed him to work with them towards individual treatment, and goal-setting.

Andreas was a student whose individual treatment plan veered greatly from what one might categorize as mainstream. The boy regularly attended sessions, which spared the need for the psychiatrist to hunt him down on campus or to call for security escorts. However, there were different degrees of cooperation. Andreas engaged in surface cooperation, insofar as he created no disciplinary problems and attended his regularly scheduled sessions promptly and without argument.

However, the boy didn’t participate to any extent that Sean would call particularly helpful. The boy was there upon recommendation but largely against his will, and thus he had not been especially forthcoming in their meetings. He was quiet, at least verbally, and, in that way, stubborn and resistant to help, because he wouldn’t let Sean in.

Today, Andreas was louder. Not in a way that the boy would probably recognize, but the psychiatrist heard the cascade of angry, resentful, defensive thoughts as Andreas approached his office and crossed the threshold.

Social problems.

Perhaps today they could actually make inroads.

Sean offered the boy a nod of greeting. “Good afternoon. How are you today?”

[Andreas Ivaring]

Well, besides questioning his own existence and his own purpose of being at this school, Andreas had to suppose he was doing decent at best. Really, Sean had a knack for picking his true feelings apart, even if all this time he wasn't being very loquacious. He had to respect the man, Andreas knew just how much this man had on his plate day in and day out.

And it was so below his skill caliber, too. Why did Doctor Neville, the best of the best in what he does, have to deal with a bunch of stupid teen angst, as opposed to a lot more in the way of real problems.

'Real problems like mine.' His brain was quick to chirp in. He took a deep breath, maybe today was the day where he could just let /something/ out, anything. Recently he got in a few verbal engagements, and he just found himself getting angrier. There was a creed he lived by every day. 'I can depend on myself, I don't need anyone.' while disguising any iota of, well, needing anyone.

"I guess I've just been thinking a lot." Was the response he settled on. Elucidation seemed like it'd be next on his mind, whether or not to really continue that thought. Was there anyone he was safe in talking to, at least, more so than him? His cynicism always wrapped the bulk of his thoughts around if Sean would just mock him when he was gone, if he'd just laugh at him. For someone who didn't care what people thought about him, he had a /lot/ of care inside his own mind. Being mocked, humiliated, embarrassed, they were all things he loathed and, to a degree, feared.

Very reluctantly pushing cynicism aside for a moment, he continued. "Everyone in Hammel has a group of friends. People they think they can trust. Every day, I go to lunch and see that groups of friends are mingling with other groups of friends. Sure, there's like, a few rivalries I can think of off the top of my head..." Since he always took notes on these sorts of things, it was really no surprise.

"Everyone's always together. And what do I do every day? I eat alone. I attend class, and sit alone. I go back to my room, and don't even talk to my roommate." His mind seemed to really take the wheel on that one. He only planned on adding a sentence or two, and cutting it off... But, well, desperate times always called for desperate measures. He'd been thinking so much.

And even though he'd still let out more than he'd wanted to, his mind continued chugging, revisiting topics of envy, anger...

And wondering what was wrong with him.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean leaned forward slightly as Andreas began to explain what had been on his mind. That the boy was opening up about his needs and concerns, even if the psychiatrist would have chosen different words were their positions reversed, was noteworthy and commanded his full attention. So he listened.

He listened while Andreas offered his opinions about the other students. He listened as the boy painted a picture of isolation, and more importantly, dissatisfaction with that isolation, when contrasted with his beliefs about the social lives of the rest of the student body.

Of course, not every student was attached at the hip to someone else. Some were just as isolated as Andreas was. Others might have a social circle but felt judged or feared rejection such that they succumbed to peer pressure in situations wherein they felt uncomfortable. Those realities, while important later for trying to explain to Andreas how the students actually lived, came secondary to the boy’s impressions.

To supplement Andreas’s words and body language, the psychiatrist could hear his thoughts. The way that he internally berated himself for what the boy viewed as deficiencies. Questioning why he didn’t have friends the way that he perceived everyone else had. Questioning what he viewed as the futility and the purposelessness of his current lot at Hammel.

Sean empathized.

He didn’t share this with the students, but he did know what it was like to feel that sense of isolation. His first couple of years at Hammel had not been kind. It was one of many reasons that the psychiatrist did everything in his power to make Hammel a rich, comfortable environment in which the students could thrive, as opposed to an obstacle to tolerate until they could graduate.

Sean waited until Andreas had finished speaking, as he did not want to interrupt. After the lull set in, indicating that the boy was done, the psychiatrist asked, “Have you looked at any of the clubs we have? Those tend to be good ice breakers, and they would make a nice change of pace from classes and your dorm room.”

Sean even acted as faculty advisor to a couple.