If You're Not Here, I Just Can't Breathe (Oriel)

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The fast few days had been the worst Phoenix had had in a very long time, probably since he broke up with Rue, or at least when Erik had bitten Oriel and the younger boy had ended up nearly dying. Phoenix was constantly in a panic now, pacing and pleading to be allowed to see his boyfriend, but they wouldn't allow it, not yet.

Phen thought they were torturing him. Why couldn't he see Oriel? Didn't they know they needed each other? Didn't they know that being with Oriel was what allowed Phoenix to sleep at night, what had finally broken him from his self-destructive path and given him something to live for again?

After suffering a long series of anxiety attacks and sleepless nights, they finally said Phoenix could see Oriel, but only with someone there to supervise their interaction. Phen's heart leaped. He could see him. He could see Oriel. The purpled bruise along his cheek and around his eye was still slightly swollen, as was the darkened skin around his wrist, but they might as well have not been there for as much as Phoenix seemed to care about them. All he cared about was making things right with Oriel.

They were to meet in a training room, which seemed weird, but Phoenix wasn't complaining. He followed obediently along with the person who'd been assigned to him until they reached the room, which, upon opening the door, he realized was still empty. His heart jumped. Oriel was coming, right? He would be here, wouldn't he? What if... What if Oriel didn't want to see him? Panic began to grip at Phoenix's heart again, and he paced around anxiously, even when the older man with him told him it would be alright. He pulled a hand through his matted hair and waited impatiently.

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Not only had Oriel been restricted to campus, but also confined to his dorm room, save for going to the lunchroom for a meal should he need it. Which he did, because Oriel sure as hell wasn’t in any mood to be cooking right now. Oriel hadn’t seen Phoenix since everything happened. They’d told him he couldn’t see him. At least not for a few days “maybe”. And even then, only with supervision. Which wasn’t that much of a surprise, they had a guy coming by several times a day to check in on the dejected boy.

Phoenix must hate him….

If things weren’t bad enough, they’d searched his room for any “contraband”. Whatever, it wasn’t Oriel’s booze, though he was sure that they’d be doing a sweep of the whole dorm building pretty soon anyway.

They’d taken away his toys though. He didn’t fight it, let them do what they wanted. They were going to use every excuse they could think of to make this as bad as possible. He didn’t see how that was possible though, it already felt like he was swimming through a pool of deep shit. Let them do what they wanted. It just…didn’t matter anymore. The dream was over….

He didn’t expect to be able to see Phoenix again, so when the announcement came that the pixie had requested a visit, Oriel was surprised. And terrified. No doubt this visit was Phoenix finally breaking things off. Leaving. After all, who would want to stay with a piece of shit like him? He’d gone and proved it; Oriel did belong in juvie…locked up. It was the only place where he couldn’t hurt anyone.

That’s what he felt like as the security officer escorted Oriel to the meeting room where he was to see Phoenix. The door opened and Oriel was ushered inside, his eyes fixated on the floor. His face was like stone. The two boys were directed to take a seat at the table. Oriel sat down, keeping his eyes averted from Phoenix’s face. He couldn’t bring himself to look at him. Nor could he bring himself to say anything.

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It felt like Phoenix was pacing forever. Was he coming? Was this going to be for nothing? Did Oriel really... Hate him as much as it seemed like he had when he was...?

No, he told himself. It couldn't be. Oriel had just had too much to drink. It happened to people. The pain of being separated from him hurt so much more than the hit ever did.

Finally, finally the door opened, and Phoenix whirled around to see his lover, immediately shooting forward to meet him. However, he was stopped by the man who'd brought him, who just looked at Phen and shook his head. Phoenix's lower lip quivered. He looked back at Oriel.

"Honey," he called out softly. Like nothing had changed. Like they weren't being forced to be in an uncomfortable setting with two security guards making sure they didn't hurt each other. Phen sat down when he was directed to, his eyes never once leaving Oriel's face. "Are you okay?" he asked, worry thick in his voice. "Have they been treatin' you alright? Have you been eatin'?" Phen reached his hands out across the table, which was met with another glare from one of their overseers. Phen slowly retreated them back again. "I've missed you," he whispered. His eyes were already wet.

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Oriel hadn’t been sleeping well either. He and the corner of his room had become reacquainted with one another; they had a lot of memories, not all of them good. Actually, none of them good. To dispel his anxiety and restlessness, Oriel had been exercising, endlessly. He didn’t feel like watching tv out in the common room. The computer Gryph gave him had broken when he assaulted his room. Oriel knew that shit wasn’t going to last.

So, Oriel was visibly tired. Sleep deprived. There were bags under his eyes, to accompany that stone cold stare of his. He didn’t dare show anyone his distress. Not even Phoenix.

Though he was tempted to break down again when he heard the other boy’s concerned voice. His pleading voice. The guilt lacerated through him, with every warble of worry in every word he uttered. How could Phoenix not be angry at him?

Oriel nodded. “Yeah. I’m alright,” he finally said. Oriel finally, slowly allowed his eyes to rise and fall upon Phoenix’s face.

He should have felt his heart stop and his breath catch. He should have, should have, should have…so many things, at the sight of the bruises Phoenix had around his eye, his wrists. Oriel only looked over them with apparent indifference. Phoenix looked thin. “You eating at all?” He directed the question right back at Phoenix, though he had a feeling he knew the answer already.

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Oriel looked bad. Well, not bad - Phoenix never thought he looked bad, because he was in love with the younger boy and he always looked beautiful to him - but Phen could tell he'd been suffering. He just wanted to run over to Oriel and hold him and tell him this would all be alright, but....

But Oriel was hardly looking at him. Phoenix's hands trembled as he fidgeted with them on the table. This felt all wrong, this formal setting in a large, empty room. They should... They should be in their room. Alone. So they could figure this out together. Right?

Right?

Well, no matter, because this was how it had to be. "You don't look alright," Phen said softly, squeezing his hands together. Had Oriel been suffering as much as he'd been?

Finally Oriel looked up, and Phoenix glanced at the table, feeling tears prick again. This was so hard. He told himself Oriel was just hiding behind that poker face he'd always been so good at, but... But it was hard to see his lover looking at him so apathetically. "Um... Would you believe me if I said yes?" he mumbled, guilt tainting his cheeks pink. Truth be told, given his already fickle appetite, he'd hardly felt like eating at all the last couple days. He was always too upset.

Phoenix swallowed and looked up again. "It's.... It's okay, you know?" he finally said. "I-I just need you back again. I d-don't care what happened." One of the men gave him a look, but Phen ignored it. "It's... It's been hell without you." One of the tears broke to trail down his cheek; Phoenix was incredibly weak and desperate.

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Oriel was afraid, of course. Afraid that he would lose control like he’d done that night. He understood why it’d happened, but that didn’t mean that it couldn’t happen again, without the catalyst of alcohol. After all, Oriel had gone off worse on so many people while sober. He’d done everything he could to keep Phoenix from becoming a direct outlet to his anger. Oriel was stressed, which made him angry, which made him explode, which made him more stressed….it was a cycle he didn’t know how to stop. And whom others looked down on him for not being able to stop it.

“Just don’t do it”, they’d say. “It’s easy, just don’t do it.” Clearly, they weren’t him, so they didn’t know how hard it really was. Or maybe there really was something ungodly fucked up with him that he couldn’t keep it under wraps. And every time he tried, it would crumble as easy as sand.

He just felt like giving up. As much as he wanted to be in Phoenix’s arms, they wouldn’t let him. As much as he wanted to comfort him and take care of him and protect him, Oriel was so much of a shit that it was probably safer for Phoenix to just stay away….

Shit no…he didn’t want to do that…

Oriel didn’t know what to do though. He felt more trapped now than he ever ha before. And it was well deserved this time. “No,” he said shaking his head slightly. “….you need to eat Phoenix. I don’t care what the fuck’s going on with me, but if I can’t be there to do if for you, then you gotta learn how to do it yourself.” Oriel looked at him sternly. “Three times a day. I don’t care if you’re hungry or not. Can you do that for me?” And here he was, still trying to take care of him. If Phoenix could learn to do it for himself, Oriel wouldn’t have to be so worried if something happened to him.

“I know,” he said. Phoenix didn’t care. Phoenix is the one who should care the most. “It’s going to be fine. Just give it some time,” he instructed. “Things’ll blow over. We’ll be right back to normal ‘fore you know it.” If only Oriel believed his own words. But…he was good at selling that kind of bullshit.

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Phoenix had known for a long time - since they met, even - that Oriel had a temper. It was something that was always there, but he ignored for the most part, except when he was forced to witness it during particularly bad spells. Like when he'd beaten Kodi to a pulp, or the whole leash issue not too long ago. Even so, Phen hadn't done anything about it really, hadn't suggested Oriel try to get help, or seek counseling for what were obviously serious issues.

Because he was too weak, too dependent, too easily pressured, to say anything like that. Because he'd been afraid Oriel would scoff, or sneer, or ignore it completely. And then Phoenix would feel like he was worthless and he couldn't stand that, not again, not after he was getting so much better...

He blushed deeper as Oriel responded, dropping his hands into his lap so he could avert his eyes further down. "I don't know how to eat if I'm not hungry...." he mumbled. Phoenix might have been starving, but his anxiety stirred up his stomach so much that the idea of eating made him sick. He glanced up at Oriel's instructions, giving a faint nod. For Oriel.... "I'll do it for you," he said quietly. And Phoenix would try. "But... But I miss when we..." He sniffled a bit, thinking back to the times Oriel would feed Phen himself when he was being particularly difficult. He hadn't realized how much he would yearn for those silly, stupid moments.

He finally couldn't take it anymore, Phoenix reached a hand across the table and grabbed onto Oriel's, another tear following the same trail down his face. "How much time?" he asked, his voice cracking. "I can't do this much longer, Oriel. I can't. I need you." He ignored the concerned murmuring from the two men off to the side. "They can't make me stay away. I won't do it. I'm an adult, I can do what I want to." His eyes were fierce, despite the tears. "I love you. No less than I did last week."

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Oriel’s temper was definitely not a new thing. Especially not for Oriel himself. While Phoenix had been aware of it for the past year, Oriel had been dealing with it for…as long as he could remember. As a kid, they were perceived as just tantrums, though…”behavioral issues” they called them. A problem child. Now wonder it was so hard for anyone to deal with him. But over time, typically those kind of tantrums ebbed away with age and maturity, right? That was what was supposed to happen.

But it never really went away. The anger. It was always there. He remembered telling George that once, that he didn’t go a single day without getting pissed. He didn’t always act on it. Oriel just pretended it wasn’t there, most of the time. He always thought he had a handle on it and would indeed be doing fine for a while…and then something would push him in exactly the right way to make him lose that thread of self-control.

He never wanted to lose it against Phoenix…though he’d come close several times. Wasn’t that why he was working with Sean?

A fucking lot of good that did, right?

“It’s easy. Just stick it in your mouth and swallow.” Normally that would have been said with an air of humor, but this time, it was said sternly. Oriel didn’t want Phoenix depressing himself into starvation, like he nearly did when Oriel was in the hospital. “I know you do. But we ain’t going to be doing that for a while. So you’re going to have to do it yourself, got it?”

Oriel had to be strong about this so that Phoenix could be strong. He didn’t know if Phoenix was going to make it otherwise.

“I don’t know, but it’s going to happen, so you’re going to have to deal with it!” he asserted. His resolve was starting to waver, especially with Phoenix grabbing at his hands. Oriel squeezed them back, gently. “…you’re an adult. …I’m not. So they can.” Oriel was lucky that keeping them apart was the worst thing they were doing to him. “I know you do.” He didn’t know how he could. “…I love you too…we’re going to get through this.” Oriel wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep up the tough act though.

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Phoenix had his own share of issues, but those mostly revolved around dependency and anxiety rather than anger. Maybe that's why this had happened - their problems clashed and now they had to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to make it work better. Because they were going to figure this out. Phoenix was certain of it.

Because if they didn't... No. He wouldn't even allow himself to have that train of thought.

It's not that easy, he wanted to say. But Phoenix just nodded as he looked down at the table, silently obedient even now. He held in a sigh and looked up again, trying and failing not to cry. "I'll do what I can," he replied, voice still wavering. "I... I haven't been sleepin' either..." And judging by the bags under Oriel's eyes,"... Looks like you haven't either." He let out a shaky breath. "It isn't fair," he whimpered. Why couldn't they just leave them alone? Phoenix trusted Oriel not to do it again, even if he shouldn't.

He winced a little at the tone of Oriel's voice, and one of the guys straightened. Phoenix tried to pull himself together. "Okay," he said softly. "I-I'll wait as long as I need to." Stupid eyes, they wouldn't stop leaking. "... I always forget you're younger than me..." Phen mumbled, toying with Oriel's fingers. "S-still, it's my fuckin' life, so I should get t'do what I want to!" He spoke quietly enough so as not to alert the adults, but his voice was still angry. His heart leaped in his chest as Oriel spoke again, and a sob escaped past his lips. Phoenix brought Oriel's hand to his mouth, kissing along his knuckles. "I th... I think they want us t'do counseling together," he mentioned between wet, deep breaths. "Maybe... Maybe it'll be, y'know... Good..." There was clear doubt in his voice.

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“I know you haven’t.” He could tell. Phoenix never slept well alone. When Oriel was in the hospital, Phoenix had even gone as far as asking that Junie guy or whatever his name was to sleep with him just for the sake of having a warm body close to him. “I’ll be fine,” he said like a mantra. Like if he said it enough, it would become true.

Phoenix may trust Oriel, even though he shouldn’t. Oriel didn’t trust himself. Not anymore. It was just…better this way. That they were apart for a while. Maybe.

Fuck, he didn’t know. How was he supposed to know.

“Yeah. That’s it. Phoenix, you’re going to be fine, too.” If he made Phoenix believe it too, then maybe that would be one less thing Oriel had to worry about. “I know you do, but listen to me,” he started sternly, giving Phoenix instructions on how to ‘survive’ without him. “After this, you’re going to go back to your room. You’re going to eat. You’re going to draw something. And then go to bed. Tomorrow, you’re going to go to work, just like you do every day. You’re going to hang out with your friends, with someone, Dani or AJ or or George, or fuck, even Gryphon. And you’re going to do the same thing the next day. Eat, sleep, draw, hang out…I don’t care if you don’t feel like it, just fucking do it.” Oriel managed to crack a small smile. “And this’ll be over ‘fore you know it.” God, he hoped so.

Counseling? Oriel pulled back from that topic. “….I already been to counseling. Ain’t been doing shit.” Oriel didn’t know what else they could do other than what he’d been already trying. He closed his eyes. “Maybe…we’ll see.”

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One of the things Phen was most worried about was having a relapse. Already he'd felt the pull of his dust like a rope, slowly urging him to break and take a hit, just to make his anxiety go away. He told himself he wouldn't. He didn't want to. He knew how disappointed Oriel would be if he did. "Wh-what if I get more panic attacks?" he whispered, fear clear in his voice. "Oriel, I-I'm afraid I'm goin' t'have a r-relapse before this is all over...!"

He felt selfish, worrying so much about his own problems, when Oriel was clearly suffering as well. But he didn't know how to comfort his.... To comfort Oriel. Because Phen didn't know what was going on in his head, or what he needed to hear. The younger boy was closed up, and that hurt Phoenix more than he wanted to admit.

He took a deep breath and nodded a tiny nod, still overwhelmed with the entire situation. Phoenix listened obediently to Oriel's "instructions", fidgeting the entire time. It all sounded easy in theory, but Phen knew he would struggle to go through the daily motions without Oriel there to keep his demons at bay. "Okay.... Okay, I'll try," he murmured. What else could he do?

Phoenix's Adam's apple bobbed and he opened his mouth again, but it was a few moments before he managed to utter,"S-speakin' of drawin'.... I, um... I got another job at an art store..." He didn't start for a few weeks, but at least it was something. "That was... What I was talkin' t'Gryph about... 'Cause I was afraid you wouldn't want me t'get another job since I'd be gone more often..." There was a cruel sort of irony there. "I was just gonna tell you when I got the job, if I did," he said miserably. "I'm... I'm so sorry..."

Phen smiled sadly and peeked up at Oriel again. "I know..." he sighed. "I don't think we have much choice though. An'... And t'be honest, I think I'm l-long overdue for some counseling." He averted his eyes. "... I know I've got problems I've been ignorin'. M... Maybe this'll help me get them dealt with." His hands squeezed around Oriel's.

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Shit. He knew Phoenix was going to bring that up. And having Phoenix fall into a relapse while he wasn’t around to help was not what Oriel wanted to happen. Oriel closed his eyes. He had to remain calm, no matter how much he wanted to freak out and break down just as much as Phoenix was. That would…just make things worse. That would be like giving Phoenix permission to break down himself. “That not going to happen,” he said.

Oriel opened his eyes, recollected. He took a breath. “If you do feel that urge coming on…tell someone. Go to someone, your boss, a teacher, Dr. N…go to Gryphon.” Oriel didn’t know the hell that Gryph and Kodi were going through right now…but even so, Oriel felt no remorse for making things harder on that Turkey. He needed a reality check. To know just how hard it was for Phoenix the first time he ditched him. Maybe even give himself a chance to make up for it.

Either that, or he’d tuck his tail between his legs and run again.

“Don’t try. “Try” is just a way to excuse yourself from doing.” It sucked. But it was true. No wonder Oriel never thought he was good enough. “You can do this. Because you know that things are going to be fine once it’s all over.” Just like in their play-sessions. Phoenix let himself be put through a lot because he knew Oriel would be proud of him for it at the end. And because there was so much good at the end. The reward was worth it.

The other job. Right. That was….. Oriel suppressed a bubble of residual anger over the whole matter. Yes, he was upset that Phoenix tried to hide it from him. That he didn’t think he could trust Oriel with this information. Looking on the bright side, if he did get the job, at least it would give him something to do until all this blew over. To keep him occupied. “It’s alright,” he assured him. “I hope you get the job.” Kind of.

Oriel went quiet as Phoenix continued to talk about the idea of counseling. Oriel wasn’t happy with it. But…Phoenix was probably right. They didn’t really have much of a choice. “Maybe,” was all he said.

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Phoenix clung onto Oriel's reassurances, just as he clung onto the small amount of contact they were being allowed at the moment. "You don't think so?" he whispered, wanting desperately for it to be true, that he wasn't going to break down that much. He took in a shaky breath and nodded at the boy's instructions, his hands beginning to tremble more in their grip. "O-okay, I'll do that," he mumbled, hoping he would be able to get the nerve to tell someone other than Oriel when he was feeling that way. "C-can I text you, too?" Phoenix wasn't sure if that was still off-limits. It probably was, but he had to ask....

He winced a little at Oriel's words, but he knew they were true. Phoenix told himself he'd try a lot of things that he ended up not doing. "You p-promise we're gonna be okay?" he murmured, still clinging to that lifeline of contact between them. "W-we're gonna get back together and it'll be like nothin' happened?" Phen flipped his wrist over to bare the tattoo he still had. "We made a promise," he said quietly. "I'm n-not gonna break it if you don't."

Phoenix's guilt grew as he gauged Oriel's reaction to his announcement, and he swallowed hard as he stared down at the table. If it wasn't for the dumb job, this never would have happened. "Thanks," was all he said, softly. He didn't want to dwell on it.

He lifted Oriel's hand up to his face, closing his eyes as he pressed Oriel's knuckles against his lips. "We'll just give it a shot," he said. "And then... And then everythin' will be alright. We can... We can eat hot dogs, and dance t'silly songs, and... And..." He trailed off, lips trembling. The two men were talking quietly to each other, and Phoenix had the feeling they didn't have much time left. In desperation, he jumped out of his chair and ran around the table to throw his arms around Oriel before the two adults could tell him not to. "I don't want t'leave," he breathed, his voice already tainted with panic.

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Oriel had no choice but to not think so. If Oriel gave any hint that he thought Phoenix might not be okay, then Phoenix might think the same thing and really would relapse. Oriel didn’t want that, not after all the progress he’d made. “Good,” he said with a short nod. Oriel considered his question. “I think so…?” he said as sort of a question, turning his eyes to their ‘surveillance’. “I mean, they can’t really keep us from doing that if we want to, I don’t think.” But Oriel sucked at texting. If they could just do simple phone calls, then that might work too, but.. Shit, Oriel didn’t know what they were and weren’t going to allow. Oriel turned back to Phoenix. “Just do it. Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah. We’re going to be fine.” Just keep saying it, and it’ll be true. Like hypnotism or something. “Yeah. Exactly.” There was no way they could do it like nothing happened, but Oriel would damn well try. And he’d make damn sure that it didn’t happen again…somehow. His force of will and guts would get him through it. “I won’t.” Yup. Oriel could deal with this. Being away from Phoenix(who he shouldn’t be around anyway) and not fucking him every single night. A sex addict like him could totally work this, no problem.

He had to. Oriel didn’t have a choice.

Shit.

Oriel turned his hand slightly after the kiss and brushed his thumb over Phoenix’s chin. “Yeah. Soon as this all blows over, we’ll do something nice.” What exactly, Oriel didn’t know. He’d figure something out.

Oriel sat up when Phoenix suddenly jumped from his chair and rounded the table to leap into Oriel’s arms. It was a reflex, for Oriel to open them and then wrap himself tight around the shorter boy. It was almost too much. Oriel could feel his mask starting to break the longer he held Phoenix. “I know. It’s going to be okay,” he said for the millionth time.

Oriel expected the security to separate the two, but…somehow it seemed like they purposely delayed doing so. It was a few long moments before one of them spoke up and started pulling the two boys apart. Oriel went stone-faced again, holding back all the emotion that just wanted to burst out at that moment. His jaw was tensed as he grit his teeth. “You be good, alright?” he said in a strained voice. The guard who brought him started trying to usher him out.

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Phoenix nodded several times, feeling a faint sense of relief. "O-okay, I'll t-text you then," he said. He knew Oriel was slow at it, but that couldn't be helped. It just allowed the pixie boy a small bit of comfort in these hard times. As long as he could still contact his boyfriend somehow, he would be okay... Hopefully.

His shaky breaths calmed somewhat as Oriel continued to reassure him. "Okay... Okay..." he breathed. Phoenix could deal without the sex; he loved it with Oriel, but he wasn't an addict like the younger boy. That wasn't what he was worried about. And he didn't think to worry that Oriel might need to get out his urges with someone else. It just... Didn't even cross his mind, especially considering what Oriel had yelled at him about in the first place.

Phoenix's eyelids fluttered as Oriel's thumb brushed against his skin, and he pined for more. Even now, he wasn't afraid of the hand that had left him bruised. He should be, but he wasn't. "That s-sounds nice," he murmured, imagining already what they could do. "I c-can't wait."

The feeling of Oriel's arms around him just made Phoenix want to break down. He shook, his breath shortened, and more tears escaped down his cheeks. "I love you. I love you so much," he whimpered, burying his face into Oriel's chest. "Don't... Don't ever forget that, okay?"

He clung to the younger boy for as long as he was allowed until he felt them being pulled apart. Phoenix held on at first, but eventually he let them be broken up. Soft sobs escaped past his lips as his lover was taken away from him. "I'll t-tr... I'll be ok-kay," he stammered, trying to believe it himself. "I'll t-talk t'you soon!" As soon as Oriel was taken out of his sight, Phoenix crumpled to his knees and wrapped his arms around himself, feeling empty and lost and helpless until his security guard started urging him back to his feet again. It took a lot of effort for him to struggle to stand; and then, his eyes were so blurry with tears he could barely see where he was going anyway.