I Swear I've Seen Your Face Before(Rue)

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Breathe.

Breaaaaaathe.

Iiiiiin and ooooooooout.....

Fuck this shit.

Oriel had a glare pasted permanently to his face and that was no doubt making the crowd of people think that he was eat their face, or spit in the food, or poison them all just for looking at him wrong.

Volunteer, they said. It'll give you something to do! It'll be a good outlet for all that pent up energy you have! And you're even getting an itty bitty (bitty) bit of pay too, at your own "polite" request.

Fuck, who the hell said all that and thought this was a good idea in the first place? .....oh, wait, that was him.

Oriel was here serving slop(it wasn't slop, Oriel made most of it) to the unfortunate and homeless down at the church he'd crashed at the other day. And he was here because he wanted to be....and yet, Oriel was already thinking about throwing in the towel. He hated seeing all these messed up people. All they did was remind him how messed up he was himself. And it made him feel guilty. Guilty for becoming one of those people he always hated and glared at himself for "giving up" their "precious time" so that they could "help the less fortunate". One of those patronizing "saints". Oriel felt like he was betraying himself, for some reason, by doing this. Oriel hated charity. Receiving and, apparently, giving.

Oriel growled as he served another spoonful of mystery meat(he couldn't believe it was actually labeled "mystery meat" what the fuck!?) to the next person in line. "Have a nice day..." he offered in a low voice, which sounded more like a threat of doom than a wish of goodwill. He needed to get out of here.

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Volunteering was one of Rue's favorite past-times, for selfish reasons as well as selfless. Although he liked to think he did it entirely for the good of others, it also gave him his own satisfaction to know he was helping people who might otherwise not have anyone to help. It kept his own anxieties and depression at bay, feeling like he was needed.

This was a new place for him to volunteer, though - while he typically veered away from religious organizations due to his own beliefs, an opportunity to help had come up, and he didn't see any reason to turn it down. It wasn't like he had to spread the good word or anything. All he had to do was show up and spend some time talking to people and serving food, both of which the gentle-spoken man had plenty of experience with.

He had just shown up for his shift on his first day and donned an apron when a somewhat familiar head of long, slightly unruly hair caught his attention. Frowning curiously, Rue approached the guy, catching a glimpse of his face as he got closer. "Oriel, right?" he asked, smiling a bit. He'd kept his eye on the kid since they'd talked on the days that Rue came in to help with the drama class; they hadn't talked since, but something about him had stuck with the older man. "Good to see you here. Are you volunteering as well?"

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Oriel understood the need to feel needed. It was true for him as well, though to an extreme extent considering his relationship with Phoenix. Oriel didn’t just need to be needed. He needed to be necessary. He needed to know that if he didn’t exist, then something/someone else couldn’t either. That way, if he just disappeared…then someone would notice whether they wanted to or not…and then in turn, they’d make other people notice.

He knew he was terrible for wanting that. He knew he was even more terrible for doing that to Phoenix. But without that kind of reassurance, Oriel felt…worthless. Anxious. Like he had no purpose. Like his head was going to explode from all of his racing thoughts and worries.

They’d given him medication or something to help with that…but Oriel was certain it wasn’t working. Just being here was grating on his nerves.

Oriel snapped his head to the person who dared to speak his name and burned holes into his face with laser eyes, or would have if he had for-real laser eyes! He wished he had for-real laser eyes! It would get the point across real quick. Oriel studied the other person for a moment, then relaxed his shoulders that had tensed up. “….yeah.” Oriel didn’t want to talk. If he talked, he’d probably say something fucked up. “….I guess…? Something like that.” He slopped some more slop, trying to not look directly at the person he was serving.

He really was a horrible person.

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Rue’s expression didn’t waver as the boy glared at him; to be honest, given how Oriel had been acting when Rue had seen him, he wasn’t surprised. Still, he offered a smile in response, hoping to calm the boy’s anger, or whatever was going through his head. Given the still red and grey coloring of his aura that was perched beside him on the counter… Rue guessed he was probably right.

At least he relaxed after a bit. “I’m glad you decided to try and give it a shot,” he said softly, turning his attention momentarily to someone who needed serving. Rue conversed with them briefly before they moved on, seeming a little happier after the interaction. “Not a lot of young people these days seem interested in volunteering their time, so it’s always nice to see someone like you trying it out.” He looked sideways at the troubled teen, wishing he could read more into what the boy was thinking.

“You’re a very talented actor, you know.” Rue hadn’t seen much of the boy’s skills, but from little he had seen, Oriel had a knack for it; maybe it was his pent-up emotions that made him so believable, but Rue often found that those with the most issues often turned out to be the most skilled in specific areas. “Have you thought about applying for colleges that focus in performing arts? There are a lot of scholarships for those, so money doesn’t really have to be an issue.” He was just trying to make conversation, but he did hope to possibly spark some interest as well.

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Impressive. The guy didn’t even flinch. If Oriel cared, then he’d give the guy a commendation or some shit like that.

Why was this guy talking to him? Didn’t he realize that Oriel’s grumpy face meant “don’t talk to me”? After a pause, Oriel sighed. “Ain’t ‘cause you said something that I’m doing this,” he grumbled as the next person came up. “I got my reasons.” Being here was depressing and brought back too many memories. There was a boy’s shelter he used to stop by sometimes. Had a similar kind of set up, only more ‘friendly’ for kids. It sucked because the adults always seemed to want to put him back where he came from. Back in a house where nobody noticed if he was there or gone in the first place. Couldn’t even say nothing about it, because that just meant they’d move him to a new place that sucked. “….thanks,” he mumbled halfheartedly.

Aaand he was still talking. Fuck, oh well. It was easier listening to this alabaster-head than it was reminiscing over bad memories. “…..maybe,” he grunted. That is, yes. “I doubt they’d take me though. Hear you got to be good at school or something. I suck.” Which meant he’s nixed it as an option. The same went for scholarships. Oriel probably couldn’t meet whatever arbitrary requirements they wanted him to meet.

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Rue was aware that the face that Oriel had on would probably keep most from trying to converse with him, but given their first and only interaction before, he had a feeling there was a lot hidden behind that scowl. He nodded amiably when Oriel responded, not taking offense to the grumpy boy's words. "Still, whatever reasons, you're here, so I'm glad." Rue assisted another person walking through, easily smiling and making a bit of small talk with them, like he did this every day (which he pretty much did, considering all of his volunteer hours). "How are things going with you since we talked?" he asked Oriel during a quiet moment. "Your aura is still... Pretty much the same, I would say." And that concerned Rue. "I mean, you don't have to tell me anything, but I think keeping up conversation is better than awkward silence." He offered a smile, hoping to put the boy at ease.

And, yes, he hoped as long as he kept talking, maybe he could distract the boy from whatever disheartening thoughts he was probably thinking. "Well, there are other factors for schools besides good grades, especially specialty schools for the arts," Rue replied thoughtfully. "I think they know a lot of creative people don't do as well in academics, but that doesn't mean someone doesn't have potential. There are many celebrities who dropped out, you know." And they weren't failures by a long shot. He shrugged a moment later. "Just a thought. I'm still practically a stranger to you, I shouldn't be telling you how to live your life," Rue chuckled.

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Oriel grunted. “Yeah,” he breathed. He understood it. He knew there were plenty who appreciated the efforts of charities. But just like the guy who rages for only getting two dimes and a nickel from panhandling, Oriel felt like any “charity” people gave was always the absolute minimum they had to give in order for them to feel like they did their “good deed” for the day.

This was a classic example of Oriel’s tendency to project his own feelings and impressions on other people, assuming that if he felt that way about charity-givers, then that must be how all of these people felt about him. And Oriel hated that.

Oriel sighed. “I don’t know,” he said with a little less hostility. “Tired, mostly.” It was exhausting, feeling like shit all the time.

This guy’s talking - Rue, wasn’t it? - was strangely calming. Oriel didn’t know if that was because the guy just gave off that aura, or if he was trying to be so, or if he had some sort of meta-power that affected emotions as well, but Oriel was thinking he liked having this guy around. He had a strange feeling about him. Like maybe he’d seen him before.

Oriel shook his head as he served another pile of slop. “Nah, it’s fine.” Kind of. “I…I used to think ‘bout it a lot as a kid, singing and dancing on broadway or something.” The memory was a happy one and almost coaxed a smile from the boy. “Seemed impossible back then. Then I started trying again last year, got all excited and shit. Now….” Now he knew how much he sucked in comparison to those with formal training. He could never hope to pay for the lessons it took to even get him to the point of being accepted to such a place. And doing it on his own wasn’t going to do anything. “Just seems impossible again. I don’t know.” He grumbled as another sigh managed to escape.

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Rue honestly enjoyed volunteering. Not only was he helping people, but it did make him feel better as well. He knew a lot of folks just did it because it was required or it would look good on resumes, but… That was just a bonus in his opinion. In all honesty, he probably should be looking into getting a job, but… At least with this, he could choose his own hours.

“Your aura is very grey,” Rue murmured. “More grey than red like it used to be, I would say.” And the spots of black looked a tiny bit bigger. It was really a bad sign, and Rue wished other people could see it to know how badly the boy was suffering. “I know it’s a long shot, but… Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked, looking directly at Oriel rather than the lion. “I’m not a psychologist or anything, but… I’m the person my friends go to when they need help, so I’ve determined I’m pretty good at it.” He wasn’t trying to boast, it was just the truth.

He went quiet as Oriel spoke again, diverting his attention between working and listening to the younger boy. “That’s a nice dream to have,” he said quietly. Rue hadn’t known what he’d wanted as a kid. Hell, he still didn’t really know what he wanted. A crease formed between his brows, though, as Oriel spoke about it seeming impossible again, and he rested his elbows on the counter and steepled his fingers in front of him as he pondered this during a quiet moment. “I understand how you feel,” he said finally, tapping his knuckle against his lip. “I can’t say I’ve been in the same place, but I can empathize. And all I can say is… Even I, with my very little training in performing arts, can see that you have potential. And I have no doubt that others see that in you as well. It just takes confidence in oneself, but… I know how difficult that can be when it feels like all the odds are against you.” Rue sighed. “And I don’t want to just sound like your counselor that gets paid to tell you everything will be alright.”

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Oriel would rather have a job…but he was still certain that no place would hire him. He was far too hateable, offensive, and belligerent to be trusted in front of customers. Oriel was a liability. At least, that’s what he told himself.

His face seemed to drop when Rue spoke about his aura again. “Yeah…” he sighed. “Would fit the facts.” That being here was making Oriel very uncomfortable and distressed. “I guess…” Oriel hesitated. He didn’t know why he was being so open with this guy. Maybe it was because he wasn’t much older than Oriel, so it was easier to trust him? Maybe Oriel was just amused by his lame attempts at black ghetto fashion. Either way, it was enough to get him to be somewhat honest and open about his thoughts. “I just got a lot of bad memories of places like this.”

Oriel nodded. “Yeah…I thought so too.” But he wasn’t that kid anymore. He’d grown up enough to know that things just don’t work that way. Oriel scowled at Rue’s comment of “understanding”. It was one of Oriel’s pet peeves, when people say they “understood” or “knew” how he felt. They weren’t him, so that’s what made it impossible! But…at least he corrected himself, somewhat. That was…better. He shook his head. “Nah…S’alright.” Oriel cleared his throat and managed about a quarter of a smirk as he looked at Rue. “If you were being paid for this, I wouldn’t be telling you shit.” Oriel had issues with people who were only paid to care.

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Rue was starting to think that perhaps choosing to volunteer somewhere else would have been more beneficial to the boy. Like an animal shelter, or a non-profit aimed at other audiences. He could just tell that being here seemed to suck the life out of him, and that wasn't good. Oriel's vague explanation gave Rue some answer to his curiosity about the situation. "You've been on the other side of the counter, huh?" he asked softly, serving another person as they went past. He probably could have guessed as much. "I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you could have developed better relationships with the people that worked in those places." Rue wasn't all that surprised, though, to be honest - a lot of groups like this, especially religious ones, didn't always seem to live up to what one would expect.

He didn't realize the negative connotation that Oriel had with what he'd said, but the look on his face told Rue that he'd at least said something that irked the boy. He didn't pry, though. Instead, he chuckled at Oriel's admittance. "It's hard to talk to someone who you know is just doing their job, isn't it?" he said, looking away into the distance a little. "But anyway... Have you ever thought about perhaps writing in a journal?" Rue shrugged and looked back towards the counter. "I know, for some people I've met, they've found it beneficial to write down their emotions and vent out that way, rather than letting it all build up until it sort of, you know, explodes." He didn't know how Oriel would feel about it, but he thought it was worth suggesting.

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Maybe somewhere else would’ve been better, but it was pointless to think about that now. Oriel was already here. And already had an in with the priest-guy of this place. Oriel didn’t have the motivation or guts to try and convince some other person who probably thought he was a lost cause into letting him work. Work, volunteer, whichever, it was all the same to him. Something to occupy his time with. “………yeah,” he replied after a long moment of hesitation. “Something like that. Sometimes.” Sometimes there was no other place to go. And “home” wasn’t an option most times. “Mmm…” he grunted curtly, just a sound of affirmation. Or maybe it didn’t mean anything at all?

“Mmm.” Another grunt. Oriel wasn’t sure the guy got it. His problem was that he couldn’t tell if the “professionals” he talked to really had cared about anything he said when they probably wouldn’t give a shit if they weren’t paid to do it. And Oriel didn’t feel like explaining it. “I, uh…” Fuck…was Oriel really about to admit this to this platinum-head chink? “….I don’t write all that good…so it ain’t….fuck, I don’t know what to say in the first place, and that just fucks it up even more, so…no, thanks.” Of course he had to be offensive about it. It was the only way he could do it without seeming like an idiot. Though….if there was a way he could do it without actual writing….? Maybe an audio journal…but then he’d have to say the shit out loud, so that was just as unsavory as writing.

Whatever...

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This kid didn't talk much, which always made it more difficult to try and get someone to open up. Then again... Rue found it was often the ones that kept things bottled up that needed the most help, it was just that most people didn't have the patience or compassion to do so. And he liked to think he did. "I admire you for even trying to associate yourself with somewhere that reminds you of... Less than happy memories," he said slowly, trying to think of anything to say that might help. "Do you have anyone that you could ask to volunteer with you?" he suggested. The kid had to have some friends, right? "I find that usually makes things more enjoyable... And you wouldn't have to listen to me ramble on," he added with a good-natured smile.

Another hard-to-judge sound... Alright, Rue would let that bit slide. He didn't want to push anything too far. At the mention of his issues with writing, Rue kept his expression neutral, although he felt a pang of sympathy for him. Learning disabilities were never helpful, especially to those that already had a load of other problems. "That's alright," he replied calmly and without judgement. Oriel was thinking along the same path that he was, though, as Rue went on,"You could record yourself just talking about how you feel too. Without the pressure of sharing it with anyone, you could just... Say anything and everything that's on your mind. It might help you get some clarity on how you could help yourself rather than just having other people try to help you." He smiled faintly. "No one knows you better than yourself."

He turned back to a few more people passing by; it would be a few minutes before he would be free to talk again.

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Oriel could be loud and obnoxious and talkative….when he wanted to be. Actually, he usually was, when he was feeling more like himself. Or when the heaviness on his shoulders didn’t feel like it was smothering him so much he couldn’t move. It was when he was as quiet as he was today, or even the past several weeks, that one could tell that something wasn’t right with the naturally enthusiastic(read: irritating) boy. He shook his head. “It’s fine,” he muttered. “I mean…I got friends ‘n all, but I’m sure they don’t want to be doing shit like this.” Erik would sooner eat cyanide, and Kodi might kill the first person who looked at him funny. And anyone else…he didn’t feel he was close enough to to ask. “…your rambling ain’t that bad,” he said with a slight shift in his posture. “I mean, I been through worse.”

He was worse, sometimes.

Oriel sighed. Grunted. Same thing.

“Yeah, was thinking that….maybe…” But then it would record Oriel being…vulnerable. Honest. Saying things out loud he hoped that nobody would ever hear. And what if someone else got ahold of it? Guess the same thing could happen with a written journal too, but he could at least hide that shit. More than likely Oriel’d just be recording off of his phone and he carried that thing with him everywhere. It was too risky.

He needed a new computer…and about a million other things he couldn’t afford.

Time to change the subject. “W…where’d you say you were from?” he asked as soon as there was a break in the line.