Bad Day [Rue]

[Finn Eogeum]

Finn curled up on his bed, facing the wall, arms wrapped around his favourite plushie as he sighed and frowned, bluesy music playing semi-loudly as he just lay there. He just didn't want to get up. At all. It was just too much effort.

Vicky had come in a couple times to check that Finn was taking his meds and everything (because he had been avoiding it - he didn't want to be taking shit that didn't work, even though he knew that not taking it would make things much worse). Vicky was concerned to a point, but her brother didn't seem to be doing anything out of the ordinary, so she just left his door open and peeked in on him every once in a while.

Even though he kept getting up and shutting the door again. He wanted privacy. He wanted to be left alone.

But at the same time he didn't. It was a harsh cycle of his emotions but he couldn't do all that much about it. The music helped though. He curled up into a fetal position and nuzzled his penguin.

[Deleted]

Rue still had a few weeks left before he started his senior year at UVM, and he was trying to make the most of it – at least, as much as a quiet introvert could. He’d gone to the library a few times, painted a couple landscapes, and volunteered a good portion of his time at Hammel helping with the drama and social studies classes. Overall, it had been a good summer so far, if quiet; but that was what Rue liked. Peace.

Speaking of peace, there was one person in particular that he liked to make a habit of checking up on on a regular basis. Rue knew Finn’s sister took good care of him, but he couldn’t help but feel… Protective of the older guy. He felt like he could understand Finn’s emotional rollercoaster better than most, if only because he could see the changes happen before his eyes through his ability. Finn was a rare individual in that the animal of his aura changed on a somewhat regular basis between two things; it was a hard adjustment for Rue to comprehend, but he did the best he could. He just wanted to support his friend.

It was fortunate that Finn lived near the building that Rue lived in – just a quick walk down the street a few doors down, and he was there. Vicky let him in; after a brief conversation, he quietly went to his friend’s room and knocked on the doorframe. “Finn?” he asked quietly, his low voice rumbling over the room. “Do you feel up for company, or would you rather I went away?” Rue never knew what to expect – but the aura laying droopily beside his friend on the bed told him enough.

[Finn Eogeum]

In this state, Finn really didn’t feel up for going to school, even if it was to go do something he (supposed) loved. He just didn’t have the energy for anything at all, and that was just learning. Actually interacting with people? He wanted to, but he just felt so irritated by… just the sound of people’s voices. He would much prefer to stay here, where he had nothing to do except laze around and keep himself company. He had had Coco in with him earlier, but he was with Vicky now, probably.

At the knock on his door, Finn covered his head with a pillow and groaned loudly. He heard and recognized Rue’s voice and felt pretty bad for treating him like he was about to, but, “Go the fuck away.” He said, through the muffling of his bed sheets. He rolled onto his side again and hid his face, “I can’t entertain today.”

[Deleted]

Rue’s expression barely changed as his friend spoke; it wasn’t the first time, and wouldn’t be the last, that Finn had addressed him in such a way. He would like to say it didn’t bother him at all, but that would be a lie – it still stung a little, even though he knew it wasn’t the older man’s fault.

Still, he took a slow breath and nodded, sliding his fingers through his white-blonde hair. “Alright,” he said, his voice still soft. “I understand. I’ll be out here if you change your mind, but it’s alright if you don’t either.” It was important, he thought, that Finn understood that Rue knew he would snap out of this episode eventually; it was just hard to know when, and if it wasn’t for a while, then that was okay.

He turned in the doorway and paused. “Actually, I’ll probably be in the kitchen.” An idea had occurred to him, and he went to the aforementioned room without another word, asking for Vicky’s permission before he got to work on his idea. Sleeves were rolled up and glasses were on as he slid his finger over the ingredients list of a cookie recipe. Maybe, if things went alright, Finn would feel better by the time he was finished.

[Finn Eogeum]

Inwardly, Finn felt horrible, both as a result of his depressive episode and because of his actions towards Rue. It was unfair on him, and even though he knew the other man understood, he shouldn’t be spoken to like that. He just couldn’t bring himself to stop what first came to mind.

In reply, the saturator grunted. He wasn’t sure if Rue had noticed the desaturated colour of his body, seeing as he was bundled up in blankets and the room was pretty dark, by his own choice. As he left, Finn sloppily grabbed the remote for his music player and turned it up more. He was comforted, to a point, but not happy. That was expected.

He didn’t really listen the next time Rue spoke, too busy dwelling in his own destructive thoughts. After a while of lying there like a little kid with a fever, he decided to move. He wrapped a blanket around himself like a cape and, with Gunter under his arm, he turned off the loud music and shuffled his way to the kitchen for a drink of something.

Finn's sour attitude was now a bit sedated, but he was still clearly in a bad way, with bags under his red eyes and his body mostly drained of colour. He saw Rue making something and stopped in the doorway, frowning and drowsy, "What're y'doin'?" He slurred out with a yawn. He was so tired.

[Deleted]

Flour… Sugar… Salt… Rue followed the instructions really carefully, word for word, because he wasn’t really the best of cooks. In fact, he was quite crummy; he did alright if he had a recipe, but if he tried to make anything on his own then there was about a 50/50 chance of it being a complete disaster. And he really wanted these to turn out alright, for Finn, so he was trying his best to make them perfect.

Fortunately, the recipe was fairly simple, and soon enough he was mixing the dry ingredients and starting to add the liquid ones, as well as the chocolate chips. He heard the music stop in Finn’s room, and glanced up, hoping that was a good sign. He didn’t go to investigate, though – he would let his friend come to him in his own time.

It wasn’t too much longer that Finn appeared, looking very drained (literally), and Rue felt a pang of sympathy and worry in his chest. He knew this episode would end eventually, but that didn’t make it any easier now. “Hey,” he greeted softly with a kind smile. “I was just making some cookies; your sister gave me permission to use your kitchen.” Rue’s eyes fell back on Finn’s aura, which still looked incredibly droopy and grey. “Would you like to help?”

He would ask how Finn was doing, but it was already rather obvious that he wasn’t doing well, and Rue didn’t want to make it worse by prying. “I’m almost done, but I need to put the balls of dough on a cookie sheet.” A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “You can lick the spoon if you’d like.”

[Finn Eogeum]

He recognised that look in Rue's eyes - the sympathy. A lot of people looked like that towards him, even if only for a second, and while it was nice to think that people cared (however unsure of that fact Finn was), after a while, the feeling towards seeing it was annoyance. Okay, that maybe have been involved with his state of mind, but he had had enough of the sympathy.

There was a difference between that and actually understanding.

Finn looked around. He almost wanted to hate Rue for being so kind and nice and caring, because that was the opposite of what Finn was (note: this is inaccurate). But he couldn't hate him. How could you hate someone who was making you cookies?

With chocolate chips?!

At the first offer, he shook his head. Didn't want to fuck it up, like he most likely would. At the offer of licking the spoon, however, a slim smile tickled onto the corners of his lips, and he looked at Rue with a little more timid brightness. "Wouldn’t mind it." He mumbled, before dipping his head and tightening his grip around Gunter, expression drooping slightly again, lids feeling heavy. He hoped he didn't just pass out right now, even if he needed the sleep.

[Deleted]

Rue knew that people, himself included with his own depression, often didn’t like to be looked at with sympathy, but sometimes even he couldn’t help it; it was just human nature to feel bad for those who were suffering without their own control. However, he tried to relax his features back into something neutral, but still soft; really, it was rare he looked anything but peaceful, despite what may be going on in his head.

He knew no amount of trying to cheer Finn up would help, so he was just prepared to flow through this episode as well as he could and anticipate when his friend would feel better. It would end eventually; it always did.

He nodded faintly as Finn shook his head, unsurprised. “I hope they turn out alright,” he said with a faint chuckle. “I’ve never been the best at cooking, unfortunately. If they end up tasting awful, don’t feel like you have to eat them, alright?” When Finn showed a slight improvement at the offer to lick the spoon, Rue’s smile widened a little and he handed the utensil over, which still had a decent amount of dough and chocolate chips sticking to it. “All yours, Finn.”

With his hands now free, Rue went to work rolling the dough into balls and flattening them on the tray, trying to keep them evenly spaced until he had them all laid out. He’d noticed his friend droop once again, but rather than bring attention to it, he hoped that if he just kept moving, it would encourage something from Finn. “You can go lay down on the couch, if you’d like,” he spoke over his shoulder. “These shouldn’t take too long to bake, and I’m just going to clean up the mess I made.”

[Finn Eogeum]

Even though Finn was hardly speaking, it was grounding to hear actual conversation in return. He just tried to ignore the scratching annoyance that attacked his brain like nails on a chalkboard with every word. And... well, if he had been any better he probably would have hidden if they were bad. If they were bad now, however, he would make it obvious.

He took the offered spoon like it was the secret to life and licked his lips, readjusting Gunter and sucking off some of the dough... and it tasted good. He hummed in a happy tone, and the suggestion made was one Finn had been thinking himself. "Mhmm." He said, shuffling over to the couch and plopping down on it. Once there, instead of lying down, he stayed sat up, crossing his legs underneath him. Gunter was placed on the spare seat, and Finn secretly smiled at the sight. He pulled his blanket over his lap and looked up, eating some more dough.

Cookies just generally made everything better.

[Deleted]

Rue thought maybe as long as he kept talking, softly, he would be helping. He wasn’t much of a talker to begin with - he was more of a listener - but in situations like these, where he was helping people, then he was more than happy to keep up some light conversation. As long as Finn didn’t get irked by it, he would keep it up.

He smiled, seeing the response Finn gave to the dough. “Not horrible, I’m assuming,” he chuckled. Rue was glad; that would have just made things worse. He placed the cookie tray in the oven and watched Finn follow his suggestion, still smiling at his back. Something stirred in his chest, seeing his friend like that; it was almost like taking care of a child, but Rue found he sort of… Enjoyed it. Feeling useful kept his own depression at bay; as long as he felt like he was helping someone, he knew he was needed.

Rue quickly cleaned up the dishes he’d mucked up and set them on the draining rack to dry. There were a couple minutes left for the cookies to bake, so he snuck over to Finn’s hallway closet and quietly opened it to grab an extra blanket. That done, he meandered to the living room and went to Finn, putting the blanket over the one already on the boy’s lap with a soft smile up at the older man.

“It’s a bit chilly with autumn just around the corner,” he mumbled, feeling suddenly a little awkward. Rue pulled his hands away, hoping he hadn’t broken Finn’s personal space bubble. “The cookies will be done soon.”

[Finn Eogeum]

Finn shook his head. It was great. He would eat bowls of it if he could, and it wasn’t even cooked. He didn’t care that it was probably unhealthy, he liked it. And it took his mind off of his bad mood - the taste brightened his skin a little. As he sat down, he could hear Rue still moving about but didn’t really pay much mind to it. And even though he was brighter, that didn’t really mean he felt better, sadly. He could still feel the heavy weight of depression in his chest, the weight on his eyes, the weight in his limbs, everything which just told him to stop trying. He had been doing that for most of the day - not trying.

He didn’t notice Rue until there was another blanket on his lap an...d… he looked at the other boy, clearly uncomfortable. He didn’t always struggle with it - in fact, during episodes of mania, he knew he could become very touchy with people, giving hugs and all that - but he was just extremely affected by someone coming into his personal space while he was like this. “...o...okay.” He half croaked out, leaning a little away from Rue until his hands were taken away.

Finn looked at the younger man and sighed, looking down, “I’m… I’m sorry, I just… I don’t… I can't...” I don’t deserve the care you’re giving me sounded about right. Because he was being terrible, and he knew it. Along with I can't make myself happier, his thoughts were not exactly helping him. He frowned and leaned over, burying his face in his plushie and making a sound of annoyance. “Just go away. I’m sorry.” It's not you, it's me. Hmph.

[Deleted]

Rue was glad to see that Finn looked a little brighter, and perhaps there was a little less grey in his aura, but that was about all the difference he could see. He still looked incredibly depressed, and it hurt his heart to see it, because he knew what depression felt like.

He knew getting so close and invading the boy’s space was a risk, but he wanted to at least try it to see if there was a possible positive response. When Finn looked at him, though, with an uncomfortable look on his face, Rue knew he’d pushed too far. He snatched his hands away as soon as he realized his mistake and took a step back, keeping his expression neutral despite the guilt and worry that gnawed at his stomach. “I’m sorry,” he breathed out, folding his hands in front of him. “I should have asked first.”

He shook his head at Finn’s apologies. “Please don’t apologize,” he said sincerely. “It was my fault. Don’t worry about it.” Rue didn’t want him to feel bad for something Rue should have taken into more consideration anyway. He frowned slightly when Finn buried his face, and dipped his head, nodding faintly. “Alright. I’ll leave after the oven-“ It was at that moment that the timer went off, and Rue spun on his heel to grab the cookies and turn off the machine. He quickly put some on a plate and went to set it on the table by the couch, before heading to the front door to grab his coat. If Finn wanted him gone – really gone – he wouldn’t argue and wanted to give the older man his space. “I’ll be just down the street if you need anything,” he said quietly as he prepared to leave.

[Finn Eogeum]

Every episode was different - Finn knew this. It was a comfort and a blessing; if he had a particularly bad one, the chances were that he wouldn't have one exactly the same next time, but at the same time, he couldn't predict what would happen, and for how long. So he had had depressive episodes in the past when all he wanted to do was cuddle someone and cry, but that wasn't the case this time. He stayed just as tense as Rue apologised. He couldn't help it. But he didn't want his friend to flinch away from him just because he was a stubborn, selfish bastard.

It was easy enough to just tell him not to worry, but that wouldn't make much of a difference to Finn. It was his fault, he was the one making the difficulties when all Rue was doing was being kind. He was despicable.

As the taller man walked away, Finn didn't move. Oblivious to the mess he would make, he put the unclean spoon on the table in front of him and grumbled into Gunter's face, "Why am I so terrible?" He mumbled. Rue announced his departure and Finn felt a pang of sadness. No. Even with his crap state of mind, and how awful he was being to him, Rue couldn't go. Not yet. The saturator sat still for a moment, before picking up one of the cookies and following after his friend. He held it in front of him, towards the other man, "Don't go, please." He said quietly. He looked at the ground, "I'm lonely." It made him feel pathetic to admit it, but it was true. Vicky had clearly gone out with Coco or something, since the little beastie wasn't yapping at their ankles, and Gunter, although cute, didn't make the best of company.

Finn was in no place to ask Rue for such a favour, especially after all his attitudes, but he didn't want to be left alone.

[Deleted]

Rue had known Finn long enough to see various episodes – not just the depressed states, but the manic ones as well. When his friend wasn’t suffering from these bouts, he reminded Rue of a puppy – which made sense, considering his usual aura. It made it that much harder for the younger man to see him like this, with even his aura shifting into something different, sadder.

He thought what he was doing was for the best – Finn had asked for him to leave, so Rue thought maybe if he just had some quiet time to himself, it would help. Only the saturator himself could explain what he needed to try to feel better; Rue just wanted to do what it sounded like would be best. So when he reached for the doorknob only to hear Finn’s quiet steps behind him, he paused and looked around, blinking in surprise at the offer. “You want me to stay?” he murmured, gently taking the cookie out of the older man’s hand. He smiled and looked down, uncertain why his cheeks felt a little warm. Probably because he felt needed.

“Of course I’ll stay,” he murmured, hanging his coat back up before turning back to his friend. “What would you like to do?” Rue wasn’t sure if Finn just wanted to retreat back to his room and just have the younger man around for reassurance in case he needed someone, or if he had changed his mind about needing comfort. Either way, Rue was happy to oblige. He lifted the cookie to his mouth and took a bite, humming with surprise at the nice flavor. “You’re right, I didn’t mess it up,” he chuckled quietly.

[Finn Eogeum]

Finn told him to go away… in his mind that meant keep your distance, not desert me. That probably wasn’t all that clear, but he wasn’t thinking about it enough to consider that. He had had enough quiet time this whole time, where Vicky had actually gone with his wishes of mostly leaving him be - then he had wanted to be completely alone. Now, he didn’t. He nodded at the question, still looking, too embarrassed and frightened by the prospect of possible judgement from his friend at his timid, honest words to look at him.

He glanced up through his fringe when he agreed to stay instead of leaving. It probably didn’t show much, but it was a comfort. He looked at Rue for a moment before turning around shuffling back to the couch, “I dunno,” He muttered, twisting his lips in thought. He just wanted to curl up and stay still, but not alone. He slid back onto his spot and wrapped the blankets around himself with Gunter sticking out somewhere near his head, “Eat cookies.” That was an obvious one. “I wouldn’t lie.” He said, although it came out in a duller tone than he intended.

Finn looked at the TV in the corner of the room, “...could watch something.” He suggested, but he wasn’t sure what. He just needed something to distract him.