Breaking The Habit (Sean)

[Jesse Adams]

While Jesse’s sessions with Sean were never really something he looked forward to (despite knowing just how necessary they were), he had something in mind he wanted to approach today. It had nothing to do with his training progression, his academics, and it had absolutely nothing to do with MSAD or Gabriel Underwood.

He wanted to know when he was going to be off his probation completely. He’d already earned back his ability to go off-campus, which had been a godsend for a while. But now he was just getting sick and tired of the rest of the bullshit rules. He wanted to go back to the freedoms normal students had, and he thought he’d been good enough, toeing the right side of the line, for long enough. No more hoops, no more stipulations. He wanted off the watch list.

The chances of that happening were slim, he was sure, but it was worth a try.

He was also certain that Sean would still want to try discussing what had happened in the winter. He’d been tight lipped about what had actually happened the day his father had called him on a number he should have never been able to get. Sure, he was fairly certain that Vincent and Sean had discussed it behind his back, but he hadn’t wanted to talk directly to Sean about it. Yet with another graduating class having just gone, the blond was getting a little nervous. He didn’t know if his father really could fly to Hammel and drag his ass back home to L.A. without him graduating, but he liked to think it was impossible, or near enough that it wouldn’t be worth his father’s time.

But first, probation. Maybe if he got some kind of answer on that, he’d be more willing to open up. Give and take, right? With that in mind, he made his usual shielding adjustments before knocking and entering the office. His usual spot on the couch was quickly taken, his bag dropped to the floor. “Can we talk about my probation?” There. He’d said it. Maybe he’d have a small chance.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

As one might expect, Sean and Jesse viewed the progression of the latter’s sessions differently. The sessions served various purposes: one was assessment, another was to provide structure, yet another was for the administration’s peace of mind, and another was to measure Jesse’s ability to comply with rules. For Sean, it was also a means of measuring the boy’s good faith, because he had burned through all of the trust that the psychiatrist, and that Hammel, had for him the moment he ran off campus to join M.S.A.D. He had run so far into negative numbers with each action he took with them and then with the aftermath. Sean’s patience was not the same as indulgence, and he made that fact plain.

The boy’s thoughts upon entering his office were evidence enough of why they would have to continue this dance for the foreseeable future. Jesse had to earn privileges with compliance; he did not have the luxury of offering promises of compliance in exchange for privileges first.

The psychiatrist shut the door behind the blond boy, before crossing to the armchair to begin for the day. “We can talk about anything you’d like. Whether you’ll like the answer is another matter entirely.” As Sean had pointed out time and again, Jesse was not the typical student, and until he proved himself willing and able to face that, he would remain set apart.

[Jesse Adams]

Jesse understood the nature of his sessions. Hell, access to them had been half the reason he'd even tried coming back to Hammel in the first place. But the snails pace they seemed to crawl at (mostly due to his own reluctance to address several of his most problematic issues) was only serving to frustrate him. To top it off, he was still on probation, though certain privileges had been restored. He was allowed to leave campus now, but still had to adhere to the curfew. The one and only time he'd actually broken that had been... well... not an emergency, but a special case. He'd never admit to it being an emergency. So what if his stupid father had contacted him? It wasn't like he could do anything. Not at long as he was at Hammel.

... He hoped.

He gave the psychiatrist a look when he answered the question, and it didn't read as impressed. "Hey. I've been good. No more black marks on the file." At least, Vincent had promised that his little visit in the winter wouldn't count against him as breaking curfew. Hopefully, he'd kept his word. Still, if that wasn't in the cards for discussion or review, he'd just have to bite it and do whatever Sean wanted in terms of discussion. "So what, then? Daddy issues? MSAD?" Gabriel was left off that list on purpose. If it came down to it, he'd rather deal with what had happened in the winter than with the dead man. ... Maybe that would be a good way to divert Sean's attention. "... Mr. Meian told you my dad contacted me, right? Probably sent a goddamn detective to pull it off, but whatever. He did it." Curling his feet up under him on the couch, Jesse tipped his head so that he was more or less peering up at Sean. He didn't normally like talking about this, but if it kept the Gabriel subject at bay, he'd do it. Who knew? Maybe it would help.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“I’m not the rest of the administration,” Sean reminded the boy. The administration as a whole worked with what existed in Jesse’s official file. If he went a period without official discipline, then the rest of the administration considered that to be improvement.

By contrast, the psychiatrist was privy to everything when making his assessments and recommendations. This included anything that occurred with other students or with other staff members, regardless of its presence in his file. This included anything that Sean learned through telepathy. This included Jesse’s attitude during their sessions. This included anything that the boy said to him, even if confidentiality prevented him from repeating those specifics to Yvette. This included every refusal from Jesse to discuss the root of what put him on restriction in the first place.

“Both of those, as you know,” the psychiatrist replied. They had session after session, always ending with Jesse’s stubborn refusal to discuss what was necessary. As a result, they found themselves at an impasse time and again.

Jesse seemed to get the hint this time, although Sean realized that he had only compromised on his father issues in order to (once again) stave off the conversation about Gabriel Underwood. The psychiatrist would not fall for it, even if he would discuss Jesse’s father.

“And what did he say when he contacted you?”

[Jesse Adams]

"You're a big freaking part of it," Jesse shot back in frustration. Without Sean, he knew his chances of ever getting off of probation were slim to none. Yet even with him, he was starting to get the sinking feeling that his chances were the same no matter what he did. It was not a great feeling.

He honestly didn't know that his general resistance to talking about Gabriel was factoring into his evaluations. Granted, even if he did, it still wasn't a road he wanted to go down. His dream journal spoke volumes as to why, but as much as he might have wanted to resolve the very thing causing him to lose sleep at night, he didn't think he could actually face it. The saddest part was, the longer he kept it buried, the more it burned, and the more it seemed to affect him. Maybe... maybe talking to Sean about... him would expedite his probation. He wouldn't like it, and he certainly wouldn't want to do it in the first place, but if it would help... maybe.

But a little stalling never hurt anyone.

"Yeah, yeah." He knew the drill. Both of those subjects were ones he'd deemed okay to talk about. Hell, he'd once shown Sean all of his memories, both from childhood and his time in the compound with MSAD, but memories weren't enough. They never were. Talking about them was what Sean wanted, and slowly Jesse had let himself go with them. The phone call with his father was something he hadn't yet touched on, though, and if it kept the Gabriel demons at bay, he'd deal with it.

Shuffling on the couch slightly, Jesse's posture went oddly tense as he recalled the conversation. "He said... that if I don't graduate soon, he's going to come and drag me back to L.A. himself." His trainer had already promised that it wasn't possible, but it didn't seem to matter. The idea was planted, and it actually scared Jesse. It didn't seem to matter that he was nearing 21 in a matter of months. The Big Bad Wolf could still scare him.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean conceded that with a nod. He was part of the administration, and he never denied that. His remark had not been an attempt to distance himself from the rest of the administration in such a way as to demonstrate clean hands. Instead, it was to demonstrate that he was not bound by the same regulations as the rest of them. Unlike the Hammel Board of Trustees, or the Headmistress, or any other person in an administrative position, the psychiatrist had direct interaction with Jesse on a weekly basis. He had firsthand knowledge from their sessions, and he was allowed to consider everything when making his recommendations. As such, he could be Jesse’s greatest ally or his largest stumbling block. As long as the boy continued to refuse to address the important topics, he would serve as the stumbling block.

That was up to the dream manipulator to change. He had to do that for himself.

However, the topic changed to the matter of Jesse’s father. Although Sean had been aware of this through conversations from Vincent, hearing it from Jesse himself served two purposes: first, he could hear what Jesse considered important for the narrative, and second his telepathy provided him with the insight into Jesse’s mind that lacked when learning from a non-psychic second-hand source.

Sean had never liked Jesse’s father, for all of the reasons that he did not like any abusive person, particularly an abusive parent.

“That’s a threat that he can’t make good on.”

The psychiatrist possessed no fear of Jesse’s father. People both richer and more powerful than the elder Adams had tried to fight Hammel regarding jurisdiction, and Hammel always won. Moreover, although Hammel had let Jesse back at the school and kept him on restriction in order to protect other people, they also had a duty to protect Jesse; this included preventing anyone from kidnapping him, even his biological family or agents thereof.

He chose to say as much. “I know that you don’t particularly like being here, but as long as you are, he can’t touch you. All he can do is threaten in an attempt to unsettle you.”

[Jesse Adams]

Being that access to Sean had been part of the twenty year old’s motivation for getting back into Hammel, one might have thought he’d have been willing to try just a little harder. Unfortunately, the actual act of trying was a lot harder than he’d anticipated. Especially when it came to certain topics he wanted to just leave dead and buried where they belonged. Eventually he’d have to do it, and a part of him wanted to. He just didn’t want to think about the aftermath of that particular visit. It would be messy, thoroughly embarrassing, and it was hard enough to deal with that on his own, let alone in front of someone he absolute did not want to break down in front of.

Still. It was coming.

But first, his father. It was the safest of all the topics, mostly because it was the one he was most willing to talk about. For having to keep it under wraps for so long, anything he could say against his father now was a real freedom. Regardless of his reflexive tensing that went with the topic, he’d deal with it.

He didn’t relax at Sean’s reassurance, but he did look marginally more interested in the subject. Still, he had to test, and issued a low, humorless laugh. “You don’t know my father. If he wants me home, he’ll find a way. Always does.” He’d found him, after all. Not on his own, obviously, but his intent seemed clear enough. One way or another, Jesse was going back to California.

He glanced at Sean with legitimate curiosity. “So... he couldn’t come here and drag me back himself? Because he would, y’ know.” He knew it probably looked and sounded stupid coming from someone his age, but his father really was a source of fear for him. Yeah, he could probably swing back almost as hard now, but it wasn’t just that. It was the constant belittling and reminding that no matter how hard he tried, he’d never, ever be good enough. “I like it better here than at home.” It was the first time he might have admitted it out loud, but it was true. No, he didn’t enjoy probation, or training, or dealing with most of the students, but no one had gone out of their way to smack him so far, and no one talked down to him. Even his trainer always told him he could do whatever new thing they were trying. It was weird, but... sort of nice, too.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean understood why Jesse would fear his father and perhaps subscribe supernatural abilities and competence to him. Jesse’s father had been a stern and overbearing presence in his life until he had come to Hammel, and given the actual superhuman abilities of the Hammel staff, blending of the two as a construct of fear came naturally. Still, there was no reason for the boy to worry about being abducted or otherwise forced out of Hammel’s jurisdiction; that simply existed outside of the realm of possibility.

“We have security guards for a reason, and it isn’t just to make sure students behave.” The fact of the matter was that plenty of schools managed to handle unruly teenagers without employing security guards, several of whom possessed combat experience and/or abilities that had offensive and defensive applications. The Hammel security guards were employed to protect the students, be it from other students behaving inappropriately or harmfully, or from the government coup for which they occasionally did security drills, or from metaphobic strangers who might want to harm them, or from angry relatives who thought that they could control their children over the legal rights of the student in question and Hammel as an institution. “Him trying to take you would be kidnapping, as surely as if a stranger tried it.”

That Sean could promise to the boy.

And now they were getting somewhere.

Jesse’s admission did not come as a surprise, insofar as the psychiatrist already knew his background and history. He knew so much about the boy’s father, about domineering attitude and his abusive tendencies, about how he pressured his children and made them miserable in the process, about how he valued success and winning about all notions of empathy, ethnics, or fairness. Still, this was the first time that Jesse had articulated this position. So often, the boy resented his presence here, and, aside from when he had begged to return to the school, was loathe to articulate such feelings. “Let’s talk about that,” Sean suggested.

More than suggested, since this was not optional.

[Jesse Adams]

Jesse had watched from the time he was quite little to his early teenage years to see all the proof he needed to make that statement true. His father did know how to get what he wanted, and he always did. Well. Almost always. Sometimes both Keith and Jesse had failed him, either academically or athletically, and they were always taught a lesson over it. But when he wanted things from other adults? He always, always got it. Jesse didn’t need to apply supernatural abilities to his father, because it was simply how he was. And he firmly believed that if he wanted his son home from Hammel before he was ready to graduate, he would.

Listening to Sean only made him think of his father being full bore tackled by the likes of Vincent, the head security guy. Not surprisingly, it made him smirk, though it quickly vanished when his thoughts changed to his father simply overpowering the security guard. It made him shudder slightly and start picking at one of the studs in his ear as a distraction. “Doesn’t he have legal guardianship still? Can’t he fight Hammel for that? He’s a lawyer,” he reminded the psychiatrist. “He might be dirty, but he’s good, too.” Good in the sense that he knew his ways around and behind the courts. And that was perhaps what concerned Jesse the most. If he couldn’t haul him out by force, then he’d go the legal route. And he’d almost never heard of his father losing a case, no matter how dirty or guilty a client was.

Still, he was more than happy to latch onto a topic that wasn’t his father. Sean wanted him to talk about the fact he didn’t outright hate Hammel? So be it. “It’s... different here. Then at home. I mean, if I slack off on school for a day, or don’t study that hard for a test, no one cares. No one’s going to tell me it’s not good enough or... show me it’s not good enough.” His mental pictures of memories of his father physically showing him just how he felt about his performance were likely enough to allow him not to verbally elaborate. “And it’s not like private school, with these stupid cliques.” Jesse shrugged and twisted his ear stud. “I don’t know. I mean, I miss my mom and my sister, but I still like it better here.” Even better than at Max’s, but that was mostly due to the fact that he’d suspected Max was starting to care about him more than he hated him. He hadn’t known how to deal with that, so he’d simply fallen to an old standby. Run away, and never look back.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“You’re legally an adult; he doesn’t have any control over you under the law.” Sean was not surprised by Jesse’s lack of awareness in this area. He had missed enough time at school to be unaware of basic civics, particularly since M.S.A.D. had not been concerned with the workings of the legal system or of U.S. society as a whole. Likewise, the psychiatrist knew enough about Jesse’s overbearing and abusive father to know that the elder Adams would build up his authority so as to appear all-powerful in the eyes of his wife and children. “Hammel has been granted privileges over adult students, but that has nothing to do with parental authority.”

Hammel had the ability to keep students at the school for as long as necessary in accordance with their goals and mission statements. However, if an adult student mastered their powers and graduated, they were free to leave, regardless of their parents’ wishes. Once a student was an adult under the law, they had the same rights and privileges as all adults as far as family relationships were concerned.

He waited for Jesse to describe what he meant about Hammel and why he preferred being here to being home. He knew some reasons; after all, Jesse’s father had been a frequent topic before the boy had dropped out those years ago, but he wanted greater details. He wanted to hear it from Jesse himself in his own words. He nodded along as the boy described the differences, although he might not say it the same way. The school did care about student underachievement, but nobody could be expelled for poor grades. They had no system of corporal punishment, and Sean, as one of the primary disciplinarians, focused on progressive, beneficial discipline and necessary intervention rather than anything punitive.

The staff did what it could about cliques. There were no initiation rituals like at some of the other private schools. There were differences.

Keeping his gaze on Jesse, he asked, “Do you feel freer to be yourself here?”

[Jesse Adams]

Despite being the son of a lawyer, Jesse knew very, very little in terms of family law. For years all he’d heard was that it didn’t matter what he did, he could be forced back home under any law, and he’d never questioned it. Hearing from Sean that it wasn’t true now he was over eighteen was... both elating and terrifying at the same time. “So...” His hands were back to fidgeting with a stud in his ear, twisting it around and around in circles. “So he couldn’t drag me back from Hammel.” It should have given him a sort of rush of power, not sent him into a somewhat quieter state, but it did. Still, the image of that Vincent guy, the security guard, physically forcing his father away from campus gave him a sort of perverse pleasure. Even if the reality wouldn’t be so much fun. “What would happen to him if he tried it?” His mind more or less pleaded prison, but he doubted it would happen. The bastard knew how to work the system.

The idea was going to take some time to sink in, that was for sure. Now he knew that, it seemed almost stupid and juvenile to run to his trainer’s house for safe keeping when all along he’d been in no danger. Honestly, it made him a little mad. All his life he’d been told these things, and they weren’t true.

The question gave the blond pause. Did he feel freer at Hammel? “Not at first,” he admitted. “But that was...” Ugh, he had to say it. “Part of that was... Gabriel.” The name caused him to physically wince, his hands clenching into fists. “He saw what I could do, and how I already tried to manipulate people like my dad did. ... Does, I guess.” God, was he really going to do this? “He built on that, made me feel like Hammel was keeping me from reaching my potential.” He had stopped making eye contact with Sean, focusing on the weave of his jeans. “After the whole fight thing, I got sent away to stay with one of the M.S.A.D. members who pulled out. Pretended to be human with him for a while.” He shrugged. With Max, his hadn’t really known who he was supposed to be. “I ran away from him and ran into Fiona Hart. She’s the one that made me come back, and... I guess this is the first time I thought about who I wanted to be. I didn’t have my dad breathing down my neck, pushing me to be perfect. I didn’t have Gabriel showing me anything.” It was the first time he’d really been on his own, and his only conclusions during that time had been that he didn’t want to become his father, and he didn’t want to start up a new M.S.A.D. He just wanted to stop running, and sort the hell out of his life. “So yeah. Now, I do.”

And that was probably the most honest he’d ever been with the psychiatrist. Despite the mental and near-physical pain thinking about Gabriel still managed to bring, it felt... good, talking about it with someone. No, Sean wasn’t Fifi. He hadn’t known him the way he had. But it was something.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean nodded in confirmation, once Jesse had drawn the correct conclusion about Hammel’s authority and his father’s limits under the law. “That’s right. As long as you’re here, he can’t touch you.” That was as much a promise as it was a statement of fact. Several parents had tried over the years to get greater control over their children while at Hammel, including trying to have them removed prior to certification that they could graduate. None had succeeded, and those parents had minor children with far fewer past problems than Jesse. “It would depend on what he tried. If he tried to sue in court, our attorneys would prevent him and would beat him in the court case. If he tried to come to campus, he would be asked to leave, and, if he refused, escorted off the premises before we sought a restraining order.” For better or for worse, Jesse was here at Hammel until they certified that he could leave, at which point he would be on his own again. Hopefully to make better decisions.

If he could confront why he made those past decisions in the first place.

During his explanation of how he felt at Hammel as opposed to out in the wider world around them, Jesse finally mentioned Gabriel Underwood’s name. That caught Sean’s attention, and he leaned in slightly, focusing his gaze on the boy while tilting his head slightly, listening keenly for what else Jesse might say.

As a starting proposition, the fact that Jesse could admit and realize that Gabriel had manipulated him showed greater progress than in any of their past sessions. That proved a good starting point, some common ground for future conversations, and he stored that away in his memory while he listened to Jesse’s narrative of events.

He said nothing, did not interrupt the boy, instead let him go at his own pace. Jesse choosing his words, taking his time, was as valuable as any other part of their sessions, and he had no need to rush the blond boy. Yet, finally, after explaining how Fiona had convinced him to return, and how he felt freer because of the lack of expectations and pressure, he seemed to have exhausted himself. The psychiatrist waited another long moment for Jesse to continue, but he did not.

So he took up speaking where the boy had left off. He did not rub Jesse’s nose in the issue of Gabriel Underwood’s expectations. “Do you feel like anyone is breathing down your neck at this point?” Despite the question, his voice remained light and without accusation. He would let the boy answer that however he felt he needed to, as honestly as he could.

[Jesse Adams]

Jesse’s shoulders actually dropped in minor relaxation at that revelation. As much as he might have complained about Hammel in the past, it was actually his safest option right now. The idea of his father being served with a restraining order actually made him smile. It would piss his father right off, and that would be the fun part. Still, it was nice to feel somewhat safer. “That’s good to know, I guess. It’ll piss him off if he tries it, but who cares.” Certainly not him. It was probably about time that his father learned that he didn’t always get his way.

Even mentioning Gabriel was still hard. It didn’t matter that a few years separated now and when the older man had been killed. The scars still felt fresh, and still hurt at the memories. It was why Jesse had been so thoroughly disappointed in training to learn that no, he couldn’t remove his own memories no matter how much he might want to. It was always a crossroads with Gabriel, though. On one hand, he wanted the ghost gone, because sometimes it hurt too much to remember. On the other, he was afraid to lose those memories. Despite being, yes, a terrible person with terrible goals, Gabriel had still shown him a kind of affection and kindness he hadn’t experienced before, and he’d clung to that as long as he could. He knew Sean’s thoughts on Gabriel, but regardless of them, he had, and still felt, a real affection for him. It was something he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel again, which scared him more than he’d care to admit.

The next question made Jesse shake his head quickly. “No,” he responded simply at first, before relenting into deeper territory. “I mean, when I first came back it felt like everyone was looking at me and trying to figure out which toe I’d slip out of line first, but it’s not so bad now. No one’s pushing me to do things I can’t, anyway.” Not like his father, pushing for faster track times, higher grades in subjects Jesse couldn’t bring himself to understand thoroughly, no matter the time he put into it. The longer he stayed at Hammel, the more he could see that they were not there to stand in the way of progress or potential, but rather there to help and guide.

God, he really had been wrong. Well... Gabriel had been wrong, much as it pained him to think about.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Truthfully, Sean had no concerns about Jesse’s father attempting to take the boy from Hammel. Although he knew that the older Adams was ambitious, aggressive, and used to getting his own way, he was also an attorney and understood losing propositions. Others had failed, and they would continue to fail. Best for his security and his reputation if he remained uninvolved with the school, and, by extension, with his son.

However, they would cross that bridge if and when they came to it. Not a moment before. For now, Jesse did not have to worry about his father at all, did not have to pay him any mind beyond the scars inflicted by his childhood.

He listened patiently, allowing Jesse to speak uninterrupted and to go at his own pace. They were doing well enough for this session; the boy had opened up a bit and discussed how he felt comfortable at Hammel in a way that he had not felt elsewhere. The psychiatrist nodded along, making mental note for Jesse’s file once the session had ended. “Considering what you’ve said in the past, I should consider that high praise.”

Not so bad was, in Sean’s experience with Jesse, high praise indeed. He rarely paid compliments to anyone, certainly not to Hammel. Even when he had returned with his metaphorical tail between his legs, he had appeared resentful more than anything else. He had spoken at the time about how he had burned his other bridges and had nowhere to go, but he had appeared to treat the school was a last resort rather than a place of growth or a sanctuary.

So, that was a start.

More important was what Sean overheard in the boy’s thoughts a moment later.

That realization went far in demonstrating emotional progress, farther than Jesse had managed to articulate or display during any of their past sessions. That alone provided the psychiatrist with some hope for the boy’s future.

“Yes,” the psychiatrist agreed, and his voice held none of the gloating one might expect given the line he had drawn against Gabriel two decades ago. “He had been.”

[Jesse Adams]

Jesse didn’t have so much faith. His father was relentless when there was something he wanted, and he hated to lose. Why he seemed to have wanted his son back so much last winter was beyond Jesse, but it didn’t really matter. At least he was feeling better about the chances of it actually happening on campus. It meant he could drop his guard a little. Not completely, but at least he could relax a little more. At least until the next time his father tried to scare the hell out of him.

The comment about high praise caused the young blond to raise an eyebrow and give Sean a somewhat disbelieving look. ‘Not so bad’ turned into high praise... how? “Call it whatever you want,” he murmured, though there was little to no fight in the undertones of the words. They were almost amused in nature, especially when accompanied by a tiny smirk. Funny, he hadn’t expected to come into the office and have things go... well.

Even the defeated mental note that Gabriel had been wrong. Sean’s addressing it startled him slightly, but rather than glare at him or tell him to get the hell out of his thoughts, he just dropped his shoulders further and curled his knees up to his chest, his chin resting on them. Okay, Gabriel had been wrong. Which meant that all of his actions with M.S.A.D. were 100% unjustified, and now he had to deal with that. His eyes closed in a vague effort to shut out that fact, but it didn’t last long. It was becoming clear that he wasn’t going to be allowed to avoid it forever. “We’re going to talk about that, aren’t we?” His tone was resigned. He was tired of fighting about it all. It didn’t change the feelings he’d had for his mentor, not a bit, but at least he was somewhat more willing to talk about the fact that he was wrong. Even if every step hurt.