Self-Reflection (Sean)

[Deleted]

Oriel sat in the same damn place he'd sat in for the past several months. Actually, hadn't it been over a year since he started seeking Dr. Neville's help? Though it was about half a year ago that those visits had increased in their frequency, due to an 'unfortunate' incident between himself and his then boyfriend, now fiancee. They didn't trust Oriel to be alone with Phoenix...and well, they had good reason not to. That didn't make it any easier, being forced apart from him, but it at least gave Oriel some much needed motivation to get his shit together.

And progress on that had been....'progress'. He still hated that word.

But Oriel wasn't going to bitch and complain about that today. This was one of the few, scattered days where Oriel was actually thankful to have someone he could bring this up to. Someone other than Phoenix. Especially since Phoenix didn't even like Kodi, so his opinion towards the matter was neutral at best.

At best. Meaning he had to try to care about the dentokinetic at least that much.

Sigh....that was fine. Phoenix had a good reason to hate him. But considering what had happened last time he saw him, Oriel just needed....fuck, he didn't know what he needed. Or refused to think it. Whatever, Oriel was slouched in his chair, his eyes half closed and gaze focused down on his fingers which were fiddling with a sore on his thumb. He kept poking at it until it stung, and he wondered how many times he'd have to do it before it finally stopped hurting. Or if it ever would.

"I, uh....." he started hesitantly, his voice low and grainy. "Gryph said he talked to you....'bout Kodi..." Now that that was out, Oriel wasn't sure where to take this. No...he did, he just didn't want to go there. Ever.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Two steps forward and one step back. That was progress, even if it was less effective than a straight line forward would be.

Sean met with Oriel periodically, and their sessions were a mishmash of productivity, frustration, one lost temper, and occasional tears and headaches. The feelings of pulling teeth and talking to a brick wall had largely dissipated as Oriel paid further attention to their sessions and focused a little harder on what was required of him.

Although the set back around Halloween had been devastating. Still, they were working forward from there. Sean still held out hope that, eventually, the boy would come to see just how manipulative he had been and why the psychiatrist, and Oriel’s friends, had balked upon hearing of his proposal to Phoenix.

With that mindset, he had prepared for today’s session. Yet, the first words out of Oriel’s mouth were neither the bland pleasantries that the boy had adopted as a defense mechanism, or his periodic requests to have his separation from Phoenix reviewed before completing the full course of their sessions.

Instead, he wanted to talk about Kodiak Oubre.

That was unexpected. However, the psychiatrist could discuss him as a starting proposition. While still maintaining some semblance of confidentiality.

“I’m familiar with what’s going on with him,” he confirmed with a single nod.

[Deleted]

Oriel felt sick, thinking about it. Thinking about what Gryphon had told him that Kodi had gone through. While Oriel was off inside his own head, dealing with his own shit, then playing happy with what little time he got with Phoenix….add to that the proposal….Oriel hadn’t noticed a thing. He knew that Kodi and Gryph had broken up for a brief time, Kodi had been evasive during their separation, but beyond that….even if he tried, Oriel couldn’t even remember when it was they got back together. A lot of his memories seemed to be pretty muddled during the months following his incident with Phoenix.

And then to hear from Gryph what had actually happened during those months…..it was the last thing he would have expected to happen to Kodi, and Oriel didn’t know how to react to that. Now that he knew, he couldn’t help overlapping them…Phoenix and Kodi.

That’s when he thought…Kodi and Phoenix were similar in that regard, weren’t they? Was that why Oriel was so drawn to them? His fiancee and his best friend?

Oriel shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with the subject, but…there really was no one else he could bring this to. “Good, that uh…that makes this easier.” Lies. Nothing made this easier. “Anyway, Gryph asked me to talk to ‘im. You know, try ’n convince him to see someone for it all.” Actually, Gryph practically begged him to, with tears in his eyes, despite trying so hard to keep them down. “Something ‘bout us two being similar and I know better how he thinks, or something like that, so he’d listen to me.” Oriel shrugged like he didn’t know what Gryph was talking about. But the truth was, it was probably because he knew how Kodi thought that he was able to provoke the dentokinetic in the worst way possible.

“I don’t know how he expected me to do it, probably in some ‘sensitive’ way or something, but…I don’t know, everything I came up with…” Oriel shook his head. “If I’s s’pposed to go off what I would do, then….I wouldn’t’ve listened to any of it.” Even if it was from his best friend. Oriel was just that stubborn(Sean ought to know that by this point), and Kodi was just as much. “….he ain’t going to do nothing for it until it gets so bad he can’t pretend it ain’t there no more.”

“So thought I’d just help…speed things along a bit.” By triggering Kodi into a full-on panic attack. On purpose. Oriel could still see the look of pure terror Kodi had in his eyes. Oriel hated that he had even the slightest bit of enjoyment from putting Kodi through that sort of ordeal. Oriel’s eyes had fixated on the back of Dr. Neville’s desk at some point and stayed there. “I didn’t think it’d be so…” So raw.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Oriel had his full attention.

Not that Sean ever chose not to pay attention to the boy during their sessions, but an introduction like Oriel had given him demanded every iota of his focus. Between words and body language and the way that the boy stumbled in his speech more than usual, the psychiatrist could only imagine what, precisely, had become of Kodiak’s situation, or what Oriel possibly had to do with it.

Then the boy explained, and Sean made no attempt to interrupt him. Instead he listened, increasingly mystified by what Oriel’s train of thought possibly could have been to lead him to taking such a course of action.

Except he knew, because this, too, fell within Oriel’s general pattern of behavior. Impulsiveness. Not thinking through his actions for potential consequences. Particularly where close relationships were concerned.

To disastrous conclusions.

The psychiatrist held back a sigh as he focused on the most important aspects entangled in all of this and moved down the list. “Is he safe right now?”

They could address Oriel’s reactions after establishing that. And if Kodiak wasn’t safe, although Sean had not invited himself into the situation previously since the young man was no longer his charge, he might have to take a more proactive role.

[Deleted]

Oriel nodded, a slight of a thing. He felt too deflated to provide more response than that. As far as Oriel knew, Kodi was safe. He didn't stick around after that to find out what happened, though, and had been too scared thus far to contact Gryph and ask.

Therefore, he never heard how even Gryphon - the pathetic guy rolling around in a wheelchair because he somehow broke his legs in a flying accident - was accused of being someone for Kodi to fear. Oriel didn't hear Kodi despondent realization that there was something terribly wrong with him. He didn't see how, even after that, Kodi slipped back into a state of denial and manipulated his boyfriend into dropping the subject so he couldn't ask about it anymore. And he didn't see how the next morning, Gryphon broke down and begged the dentokinetic to get help. He didn't know that Kodi agreed to it if only to make his partner happy. Whether it would result in something actually happening was still to be determined.

It was probably best that Oriel didn't know any of this. Even if he did, what could he possibly do with it? Celebrate. Certainly not. He wouldn't want to anyway.

Oriel nodded again and cleared his throat to elaborate. "Yeah...I think so. He...he should be at Gryph's place, I think." Which was as safe a place as any. Honestly Oriel was more worried about what might happen to Gryphon with Kodi like that. He couldn't take care of himself and he was expected to take care of someone else who also couldn't take care of himself and who had deluded himself into thinking he was fit to take care of Gryphon. That it was a bad situation was a vast understatement. Oriel wondered if that's how he and Phoenix looked like to others, when they were at their worst?

He didn't want to think about that. Even though he had to.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean made an executive decision to spend more time focusing on healthy relationship dynamics during this summer’s seminar. Despite the fact that it was several months away, the psychiatrist had to make it a priority. While it would do nothing to remedy this current situation, if he could prevent this from occurring again, then that would make it worthwhile.

For the current situation, he considered it a failure of everyone involved, as well as for himself and anyone else tasked with teaching basic reasoning skills, that this had progressed as it had.

Now he had to involve himself in Kodiak’s situation in an affirmative role, and, while that had become necessary and would prove worthwhile in the long-term, he felt confident that it would cause pain, and that he would encounter resistance, in the short-term. Even if all he did was check with Gryphon and Kodiak to ensure that the latter was speaking with an appropriate mental health professional, that was surely more than he wanted in the first place, but their personal lives had come crashing into his notice through no fault of theirs.

“That’s a start,” the psychiatrist replied, since it was little more than that.

Then, with that established, since Kodiak’s safety was paramount in this situation and his well-being could not be ensured, he then fixed his gaze steadily on Oriel before he asked, “Why did you think that was a good idea?”

[Deleted]

Oriel nodded again. Yeah....a start. That was about as good as it was going to get right now, wasn't it? Oriel...he did want to help. He had wanted to help. He had tried to help. Oriel's idea of helping was no doubt different than everyone else's. Which shouldn't come as a surprise to anybody, honestly.

Oriel could feel the doctor's eyes on him. He imagined what Dr. Neville must be thinking about him right now. Every last horrible thing, every last disdainful opinion that he wouldn't say out loud because he was too much of a 'professional'. Yes, Oriel was another disappointment. He knew it, he didn't need to hear it...but he hated how people pretended that they didn't think it.

Oriel closed his eyes and took a long slow breath, trying to organize his rampant thoughts into something recognizable as a response. "I, uh....I's thinking....Kodi ain't going to see nobody 'bout this 'til....'til he knows there's something wrong. He ain't going to know something's wrong 'til something so bad happens that he can't pretend it away. He's stubborn, he's in denial....he's 'bout as bad as me." Maybe worse since Oriel actually started coming in voluntarily, even though it took nearly a year before Oriel even started being cooperative. He still wasn't 100% of the time.

But...there was some logic to his madness, or at least that's what Oriel justified it with. "G...Gryph ain't doing good neither, so.....and I don't know how long's it going to be 'til he, I don't know, freaks out or something....he's already pretty f--...he's pretty bad off...." Gryph had called Oriel of all people to talk to, to vent, to ask for help. That there alone old Oriel how fucked up he was. After all, Gryph hated Oriel...didn't he?

"And....." There was more to it than that though, and he hated that this was even a reason at all. It made him feel like he really was a sick person. "I...I had to see it. H-how bad he was. I....I had to know...what it looked like...." Did that even make any sense? Probably only to Oriel. As usual. Oriel felt his eyes start to water up.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

That Oriel didn’t know how to help in a complicated situation involving trauma came as no surprise to Sean, but the lack of surprise did nothing to fix the underlying problem. Now they had to deal with the initial trauma that Kodiak had experienced, coupled with the exacerbated effects of Oriel’s “treatment” and the cumulative effects of not having received adequate help in the first place.

In moments like these, Sean wished that the administration would allow him to place mental health holds on students for reasons other than “they are presently a danger to themselves or others for reasons of violent tendencies, suicide ideation, or (thanks to Gabriel Underwood) delusions of grandeur manifesting itself as meta-human supremacy and terrorist impulses.” Unfortunately, that was out of their hands, and he had to assist in picking up the pieces, rather than doing anything prophylactic.

While the psychiatrist understood the limitation that individuals would not seek help until they reached rock bottom, or felt that they had reached rock bottom, outside of control situations, forcing that brought more harm than good at the best of times. At the worst, it triggered disaster, as Oriel’s conduct had done.

Yet, before he could explain that, the boy admitted his other reason for triggering this in Kodiak, and Sean chose to focus on that. “You wanted to see it for yourself?” He queried. “Why?”

[Deleted]

This didn’t do much to help Oriel’s idea that he could only make things worse…but that wasn’t really the point of it anyway. That wasn’t the important thing, he told himself. The important thing was to make sure that Kodi got the help he needed. That he realized that there was something wrong and that if he didn’t do something about it soon, then he was going to lose the person who was most important to him. Gryphon had already promised not to leave Kodi again, but in the situation they were in, that promise was going to be his own downfall…. Maybe it was just Oriel’s paranoid mind that saw this premonition. Maybe it really would be okay if they just left it alone and pretended like there was nothing wrong. But in Oriel’s experience, doing that only made the problem worse when it finally decided to rear it’s ugly head at the worst possible moment in the worst possible fashion.

That was his justification. Not that he thought anyone else would understand it. No, he was sure nobody else would. He was sure that the only thing other people saw was Oriel being an asshole once again. They wouldn’t acknowledge that Oriel did have an immense amount of guilt over his actions. People only wanted to admonish him for those actions. They didn’t see how Oriel spent the good portion of the rest of that day bawling his eyes out to a person who didn’t care one way or the other of what happened to Kodi. Oriel had potentially just lost his best friend. Again. And that didn’t matter, because the only thing that mattered was helping Kodi. Of course, Oriel couldn’t even do that right.

The other part of that guilt derived from his secondary reason for triggering that episode. Oriel must really be a disgusting person to use his own best friend as a guinea pig. Oriel shook his head and tightened his lips as if to keep himself from admitting that he was just that kind of horrible person. “Because….” he started, feeling his throat collapse on him before he could get out another word. It was several moments before he found the ability to speak again. “Because….that….that’s what I did to Phoenix….ain’t it?” Oriel felt them coming, but he refused spill tears over this. He didn’t deserve that luxury. “It’s what I did to him….probably what I still do to him….and…..and I don’t know why…I don’t know why he’s even still with a maniac like me if that’s all I ever do to him. He just…he just keeps loving me. I don’t know how he can do it.” Oriel wasn’t sure he could…then again, maybe he already had and just didn’t realize?

[Dr. Sean Neville]

At least Oriel and Sean were on the same page in one regard, that making sure that Kodiak received adequate help was paramount. That was a start.

Of course, a reasonable adult would need to intervene in this situation, since no participant was capable of handling it himself, even if the participants, or those tangentially related to the situation, had reached or passed the age of majority. They all lacked the requisite knowledge, maturity, and resources to handle the situation properly. Promises to each other, or grasping at straws, would do nothing to help, and certainly wouldn’t solve the underlying problems.

That reality became an aside, because of the sudden insight that Oriel demonstrated. Not insight into Kodiak’s problems to the extent of connecting the other boy’s problems with how he exacerbated the situation, and the underlying psychological effects. But rather by applying his behavior – or Kodiak’s situation – to himself and Phoenix.

Sudden and unexpected insight, given how Oriel had reacted to the separation by proposing to Phoenix and claiming him like some sort of war prize.

That, too, was a start.

And so they would have this conversation now after all.

The psychiatrist didn’t interrupt. He allowed Oriel to finish with everything he needed to say, as he slowly put together the pieces and expressed himself as well as he could.

Sean nodded slowly, before saying, “There are certainly some parallels, yes.” That was undeniable. “But the reasons are always different.” By which he meant Phoenix’s reasons, not Oriel’s. Oriel, and those in his position, always had similar reasons.

[Deleted]

Where was Oriel supposed to go from here? What was he hoping to hear from Dr. Neville? Maybe some reassurance that he was being paranoid again and their situations weren’t the same? The fact that the doctor confirmed they were similar instead made his heart sink straight into his stomach.

“Phoenix ain’t never….he ain’t never acted like that.” Like how Kodi did. “Least not ‘round me…” Oriel mumbled along, wondering if he should stop talking already. It wasn’t making him feel any better, honesty. He had to get it out though. It’d just been rolling and recycling in his head since then and up until now. He had to know if it made sense…or was he just delusional again? “I don’t know if he ever been that way ‘round anyone else though.” Over things that Oriel did. Oriel swallowed, feeling his throat tighten again. It terrified him that Phoenix would ever be terrified of Oriel to the point of feeling he needed to pull away from him. Of needing to hide from him.

“He acted like that once, though…no, a couple times,” Oriel continued. “Wasn’t over nothing I did. Least not completely.” When Phoenix was an attack out of his need to use again. Oriel had hit him then too, he vaguely remembered. And then there was when Phoenix learned of his ex having returned. Even worse, that he was in contact and on friendly terms with Oriel. “He….he pulled away from me. He ran away….” Oriel choked on his voice as the tears he’d been holding back finally broke free and fell down his cheeks. He hated them. Every single one. “Felt like I’s going to die……” Everything that risked Phoenix leaving him, especially by his own will, resulted in that sort of panic. “I need him….I need him so goddamn much….and I hate it!”